Young Writers Society

Last night my heart just said
My soul screamed to be dead
And I just went to bed
My mind is still not here
Its lost in memories there
Death's not now a big dare
Life should be now all fair
That's all what my heart said

Life's decisions are like a plane
Which may leads you up high
And may make u to die
Like bird you fly in sky
And make your head up high

May sparrows seems u down
So be the eagle up town
Be like a star my lad
And give helpless your shed
Don't make your self to be used as lend
At wrong please never bend

Hey! make your heart held tight
And feel yourself so light
Like moon you 'ill feel so bright
Just make decisions right
And hold the thread of life's kite
Look! take my words as cite
So you 'ill reach at heights

My dear I want you to lead
Just call me when you need
I'm always there indeed
Life's like a sun that rise
And make you feel so wise
One day it may will set
But don't worry you 'ill get,
All in your luck I bet
Don't run behind finance
May it will ruin your sence

Hello! CF/Freak here

Well, personally I kind of hate the rhythm. It is too fast and seems obnoxious (I don't know how to explain it, but it simply annoys me).

After trying to get past that: nitpicks-

Last night my heart just said
My soul screamed to be dead

I think there should be colon after "Said" or quotation marks since in the end it finishes.

It's lost in memories there

*Forgot the apostrophe.

And may make u to die/May sparrows seems u down

You can't place a "U" in replacement of "You." We are all writers here.

Hey! make your heart held tight/Look! take my words as cite

Capitalize "Make" and "Take" since it is the beginning of a sentence.

*Now there are actually a lot of punctuation errors: no commas, periods, etc. Make sure to read it over; place pauses then the commas and periods (Etc.) in the correct place.

Anyway, good job with this, it has much potential, just keep writing!

Hey, Khan!

I feel a bit lost with this poem. In general, there's no real concept to get under my belt, no real direction other than a long rant about someone who's sad about life going rubbishy on them or something. The rhyme scheme played a vital part in my confusion; its forced, unstructured fix was distracting and painful, inevitably drawing away from the understanding of the poem. I felt like you were just throwing in words to make the lines seem more rhythmic, but in doing so the poem suffered its greatest setback.

My advice on the matter: write free-verse (no set stanzas or rhyming patterns) for a while, and see where that takes you. If you can get the lines to flow without rhyming, you will have overcome the problem of needing graphology and structure to do it for you.

You need to think of a more original way to depict this story. It feels sad, generic and very teenage, delving no further than the repeated images of a broken heart, or sadness. I don't feel like I can connect with the character in question because you simply explain everything, without considering emotions. Currently, it comes across as very whiny and repetitive. You need to use the English language to say things that have never been said; that have never been highlighted; to describe what you're saying and not just say it. Comparisons, imagery - these are essential.

Life's like a sun that rise
And make you feel so wise
One day it may will set
But don't worry you 'ill get,

If you look aside the forced rhyming scheme, this has a potential image to it. But it feels unfulfilled; why compare a sun rising to life? I'm not saying it's wrong - if you can draw the connection, then you can make it work. Right now, however, it feels out of place.

On the other hand, I really liked a good portion of what you were saying. There were hopeful parts in this, parts that I read and was pleased to be doing so. The second stanza was my favourite; it's where you start to see beyond the one character and, still considering his or her emotions, began to connect the bigger picture (life flying) to everyone (you fly).

Sorry if that came across as slightly (or very) vague. Please, keep writing, and do let me know if you post either a rewrite or a new poem up. Let me know if I can help with anything. =)

Best
Blinky

Okay, my major problem with this was how you forced the rhyme. It was obvious that you were trying to get the lines to rhyme, as none of them really meshed together into a substantial idea. It was also obvious that you did not edit this piece before you posted it, since there were several times that you spelled "you" as "u". Please, for the sake of your reviewers, at least edit your piece before you post it on YWS. That will save us all a lot of time.