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The Reaper's love affair (My first piece of work)



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Sun Jan 15, 2012 6:57 pm
PotterGeek101 says...



This is my first little piece of work on here, please review so i know how i can do better :D

My hands felt like bitter frost had attacked them.

My head felt like someone was squeezing it, like trying to pop a balloon.
I waited for him to say something, for him to defend himself, to say that I only imagined what I saw.

But the blood on his hands told me otherwise. I felt hot liquid form in my silver eyes. They were not tears of sadness; in fact they were tears of fear. I thought I knew him, I thought he was normal. The time seemed to stand still. Just me, him and the darkness. I didn’t dare look behind him even though I knew what I would see. Death. That’s what Eden said I would see tonight. The though conceived me as I pictured her beautiful tanned face turning ghostly white. Her deep red lips parting ever so slightly; as the gruff voice escaped her.

I shook my head trying to escape from the memory but it only brought me back to a worse scene. Todd held up his hands in a defensive sought of way. His pale lips that I had once kissed parted as if to say a rehearsed speech. But they shut too tightly again. His head lolled forwards. His deep sand hair covering his face. I couldn’t see the emotion in his eyes but I knew that he was crying. Because he body shook and his hands came up to cover his face. His hands moved over his hair and the blood tainted where ever they touch.

He fell to the floor and curled up in a foetus position as he let the tears roll down his pale cheeks. I wanted to comfort him but my feet seemed to still be in shock and would rather stay where they were. But my eyes travelled behind him. There lay a lifeless body, thick with blood. Two blank stare green eyes were looking straight towards me. I starred at the scene. A mirror had been turned over and some of the glass was drenched in blood. Dead lady that once used to look beautiful laid there, her face and body covered in dark liquid.

My stomach flipped.
My arms groped around it, trying to comfort the feeling that was churning in side of me. I felt the colour drain from my face. Coloured dots began to form in my eyes. I gripped a trunk that was next to me; to steady myself. The world rock and shook around me. Blackness began to rip through the side of my vision. But I saw Todd steady himself and get up. The blood stuck to his face and hair and I felt like screaming. A hot, feeling spread up my throat. It felt like an evil creature wanted to tear through. “Felicity?” Todd’s voice sounded so weak, so scared. As if he was sacred of himself. He closed his eyes lightly shutting off the ocean blue. Slowly the blackness faded and the dots scattered away. The evil creature clawed its way back down my throat. The shaking came to a standstill. But the body still didn’t disappeared. Todd opened his eyes; I couldn’t help but look into them. I had always described them as eyes you could drown in. I was certainly drowning in them.

“Stay the fuck away from me.” I gasped, I hadn’t realised I had been holding my breath all that time until now. Todd flinched as if I had hit him. A pang of guilt flooded into me. I had never sworn before and Todd knew it. But the guilt was washed out by fear just as quickly as it had come. “Felicity please let me explain.” His eyes were searching mine seeing if he had a chance. Slowly my hands came away from the trunk. They left the safe smooth leather that had caressed my hand. They fell to my side into the deepened blackness of someone’s attic. Todd nodded as if he was summing up words in his head that sounded best. But I wanted to talk first.

“Did you …” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Did you kill her?” my voice ended on a high panicked note. Todd looked at me as hurt swarmed into his eyes. He was standing perfectly still like a statue; in his light green jeans and his black t-shirt. But my eyes went back towards the body, as if they couldn’t get enough of the scene. The woman’s once blonde hair was stuck to her face, because of the dark liquid. “What do you see?” Todd asked his head was slowly cocked to the side. I didn’t understand what he was talking about. All I could see was darkness and a murder scene. That my own boyfriend had committed. Todd shook his head as if disappointed with the answer that lingered in my head. “No, you don’t see a murder scene Felicity, look for the truth not actual objects” his voice seemed to flow through the air. Like a gentle feather finding its way down to the floor.
I didn’t understand what he was asking me to do. Until I saw a pearly light like a wisp of a cobweb floating above the body. The light radiating from it seemed to be calling to Todd. My feet fumbled backwards. The light didn’t have eyes, but I could tell that it was looking at me … peaceful like.

“Don’t be scared child, my time has come, and he is my helper” a quiet voice just below a whisper reached inside my head. It mingled around me filling me with tranquillity. But something at the back of my mind urged me to push it as side yet the power was so strong.

I finally understood.

Todd didn’t kill her, the woman died from an accident. Just like Mr Yawn our head teacher and the little girl down my road. At all of their deaths Todd had been there. He didn’t hurt them and he didn’t kill them. He took them to safety. To a safe haven.

“Felicity, I am a grim reaper” Todd’s voice flowed its way towards me just as the blood soaked up and the soul vanished. The body suddenly looked at peace. Then the darkness came crashing down on me.
Life is full of Mysteries, but you can never solve them if you go looking for them. You can only solve them once they escape your mind and are right under your nose!
  





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Mon Jan 16, 2012 12:20 pm
catchingwave says...



First off, this is a pretty good story. I really like how you put so much effort into describing it and the plot was also pretty interesting. For a first piece, I would say you did a pretty good job. :smt001 However, there were quite a few grammatical errors. I don't think I'll be able to correct all of them so I'll just pick out a few. Most of them were pretty small, so here are the nitpicks:
Because he body shook
I think you mean his.
Two blank stare green eyes were looking straight towards me. I starred at the scene.
That first bit doesn't really make sense, you should get rid of blank and stare. Also, the next bit should be stared.
Dead lady that once used to look beautiful laid there

You should add an A before that sentence. Also, laid should be lay.
As if he was sacred of himself

That would be scared. You also added a little extra and unnecessary detail here and there in the story.
Well, there are a few more errors but I really don't think I'll be able to do all of them. Perhaps another time. :smt001
Now that I'm done with the criticism, I'll move onto what I liked about your story. I liked the flow, I guess, and how you described it. Despite the many minor grammatical errors, it was really good and I congratulate you on your first piece. I would say it turned out pretty well for a first post. :D I look forward to reading more of your pieces and until then, keep writing and good luck! :wink:
  








This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.
— T.S. Eliot