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Fantasy Short Stories
Succubus [Rated 16+ for gore and nudity]
Fri Jan 13, 2012 12:08 pm
* This is more of an exercise than a short story. It's really a scene that is meant to help me familiarize myself with the novel I'm about to start writing...soon. I've been planning it for a while. Anyway, I wanted to hear your thoughts*
The fragrance was infuriatingly sweet, driving him to a state of complete oblivion. He did not care that the thick branches and leaves closed behind, in front, on either side of him and did not permit him to pass through, hampering his view of any possible way out. He was perfectly content exactly where he was, smelling the virgin earth, untouched, unknown, so very innocent. He dared not let his hand run through the dirt, knowing that something as precious as this should be treated like a fragile ornament, knowing that something so innocent should remain so, no matter what.
‘Please,’ he whispered, a hint of everlasting melancholia in his voice, ‘come back.’
He heard a voice behind him. Soon enough, she appeared, as if out of no where. It was Earth, herself, the virgin, the fragile ornament. She was completely naked, with only the thick black locks of hair covering her breasts. Her skin appeared snow white in the moonlight, and devoid of any flaw. She was shaped like a true woman, her curves exaggerated, her lips thick and red and her black eyes, hollow and unfathomable.
‘Eat, I said.’ She repeated, her voice rising.
‘I will do as you say.’ He said, trembling.
This Goddess, this creature of the night, this beauty drove his every desire. He bit into the Earth, feeding on the virgin dirt, watching as the creature started bleeding, a large open wound in her stomach, as though somebody had bitten a chunk of flesh off. She screamed in pain and pleasure and laughed a ringing , haunting laugh. He continued to eat, devour, until there was nothing left but him and the bleeding Earth.
He stared at the dirt, the blood dripping from his lips, the mauled Earth staring back at him, begging him to eat more, to love more, to devour.
‘Eat.’ He turned and stared at the trees. More and more Goddesses appeared, but these ones did not look as innocent, not as fragile. They looked vicious. They were stunningly beautiful with their wild hair and electrifying eyes.
‘Or shall we eat?’ One of them asked in a melodic voice, approaching him, coming into the light.
The beauty that she was, the unworldly, ungodly beauty that she was stunned him. Her scarlet hair entangled her ivory skin like flames burning her, her bright red lips tainted with blood parted slightly as she stared at him with her electrifying gaze begging him, no, ordering him, to submit.
‘Eat.’ He whispered.
They pounced, ripping flesh with their long claws, biting into him with monstrous fangs and feeding on his blood, feeding on his flesh. He screamed in agony and pleasure, as the Goddesses kissed his life away under the moonlight. He had never been happier in his life.
Sat Jan 14, 2012 6:18 am
Well, that made sense!
This is to help familiarize yourself with your novel, then? My tip would be to actually get started on your novel. Preliminaries like these are wildly overrated. This is allegory, too, and building from allegorical foundations is harder than it sounds. You have to ask yourself: what does this represent? Have you truly represented your idea of the novel?
On its own, it's not much better. I don't think you need me to tell you that what little theme this might have groped at rotted away with your allegorical pretensions. Such is a common reader's viewpoint.
In juxtaposition with your future novel, this could prove to be quite insightful and a powerful bit of framework. I doubt it, as it has that clichéd apocalyptic regression that one learns to see not unoften in teen prose, and bespeaks tenuosity, but...you know. I'm wrong a lot, so I could be wrong here.
Thu Jan 19, 2012 7:46 am
So, I'm guessing it's about these goddesses (or succubuses) who can destroy people too? It certainly seems like that.
Anyway, I am not quite sure of what kinds of thoughts you are looking for, but this entire piece seems not to have a plot, which is a bit of a turn-off with me. Right now, it's mostly this... eating scene, I guess you can say, and while it's interesting in that they seem to be enjoying some sort of sacrificial cannibalism, there doesn't seem to be any inherent plot. So, make sure there is a good plot and I think it will be much better.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
Moth and Myth
<- My comic!
Fri Jan 20, 2012 4:20 pm
i don't really understand it that well
But i'm sure when you get started into your novel it will make much more sense.
All i can say is to over look this and read the lines carefully because i didn't understand the Earth but really but i know that you personally would understand it. i would have to say that it need more depth more explanation because right now it a bit jumbled up. But i liked the descriptive words used here they make the women sounds amazingly beautiful! But you just need to work on it more because i just got a little lost.
i think it's where you began about the earth and then said this women was called earth i wasn't sure if your character was biting into the soil or the women. so just work on making sure that Earth as in our planet doesn't get mixed up with Earth as if in the person (if she is a person that is)
If you just work on these little things i know that they will make much more sense. i like the gripping end though as we don't know whether he will live or die....
Keep it up and i want to hear more about this!!
Life is full of Mysteries, but you can never solve them if you go looking for them. You can only solve them once they escape your mind and are right under your nose!
Sat Jan 21, 2012 5:04 pm
I've read all the other comments and have found a pattern amongst them. They don't understand! I do understand the story yet I do agree with Snoink who said there wasn't much of a plot. I guess that since this is just an exercise, it shouldn't have a plot. Well, I guess I like it.
Notify me when the novel comes out!
ALL HAIL ATHENA!
"If you are mad at someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes." -Anonymous (I forgot)
Mon Jan 23, 2012 4:11 pm
Sheesh, these people are harsh. I loved it! Not many people can see the real beauty in this. While I oppose to the use of the Goddesses name in such, but I like how you're being creative with it. I didn't see any mistakes that were screaming, "I'm wrong!" So I'll put a check on Grammer. I can honestly say I"ve never read anything like this. So points for originality. And I loved the twist at the end were he was the one being eaten. And the image I got from "kissed his life away" just topped it all off. I loved it and wouldn't change a thing!
We were made to corageous,
We're taking back the fight.
We were made to be corageous,
And it starts with us tonight.
And the only way we'll stand,
Is on our knees with lifted hands.
Make us corageous,
Lord make us corageous. - Casting Crowns
Let the wild rumpus start!
— Maurice Sendak
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