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Magic can conceal you, love can hold you forever (R.W.4)



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Tue Jan 03, 2012 6:40 pm
Charlii101 says...



Fourth entry, hope you enjoy it! :D Rose Weasley

The boats pulled up onto the Shore of Hogwarts School. Albus climbed out and helped Rose out of the boat. “Alright first years, follow me to the castle” a giant pointed to the towering grey building that looked magnificent. Rose, drunk the giant in his hairy beard and his big brown eyes were his kindest features. When he smiled his white teeth shined through his dark beard. His chunky hands were the size of Rose's head and yet they looked soft and gentle. The stained-glass windows showing the four founders of Hogwarts were engraved on the glass. “Beautiful isn’t it?” Rose looked around and stared at Romeo’s face. She smiled and looked back up to the castle “I think it’s marvellous!”

“Weasley! Come on, 'can’t be having you lost before ya even in a house now can we?” Rose looked towards the giant and nodded. She picked up her feet and marched over to Albus who was talking to Nigel. The giant named Hagrid lead them up the stairs towards the grand entrance door of Hogwarts. Rose thought Hagrid must have been quite old as his brown hair was partly turning grey now and he had so many lines on his face. Albus looked up into the darkened sky and began to count how many stars were coming out. Rose climbed up the steps, taking in all the scenery of the large lake in the distance and how it glistened with the moon on the surface of the water; trees lingered around the lake and occasionally, Rose saw a shore line. She wondered how her mum and dad had felt while looking upon the view. She thought her dad probably hadn't shown any interest in the view for the first time and concentrated more on being in Gryffindor. But she knew her mum would have loved to see this again, as the last time she probably saw it, it was destroyed and hardy standing. “Rose, we didn’t even discus house teams, on the train! do you think I will be in Slytherin?” Albus drew Rose out of her thoughts. She looked at her cousin and she knew how James could bully his younger brother into thinking that Slytherin would be the worst thing ever.

She wouldn’t be surprised if James said that Uncle Harry and Aunty Ginny would disown him if he was in Slytherin. “Albus you just have to remember what your dad said” Rose smiled as she stepped through the doors and onto stone floor. Warmth flooded her system and she felt peaceful and happy. Albus’ face lit up as he looked at the chandeliers and the stone steps and the basins that held fire in them. He seemed too amazed to even hear or respond to what Rose had just said. Rose was looking at her cousin as his eyes explored everything they could see. A small smile cracked onto her lips as she decided to explore as well. But neither of them had set eyes on a lad with bleach blonde hair and a distinguished pointed chin. His ice blue eyes were set on Rose, with a tinge of light in them. Slowly his lips curved up.

“Right first years” everyone’s head craned up to the top of the stairs where a man with blonde hair and a strong looking face smiled down at them all as if he was remembering a long lost memory. “Please come to the top of the stairs and do not adventure any further” Everyone filled the steps as quickly as they could. Rose and Albus climbed their way to the top. They looked into the man’s eyes and they both smiled at the same time. The teacher bent down to them whispering at a level only they can hear. “Good luck you two” He smiled and stood up straight. “Right, all of you will enter through those doors” he pointed a hand towards the huge golden door. Rose’s eyes lit up they looked beautiful to her. “...Where you will gather at the front and wait for your name to be called out...” The teacher continued “you will them stand at the front and have a hat placed on your head. The hat will call out your house and you go and sit down at that table” Everyone began to mutter to each other as if the very thought of standing up in front of everyone was the most terrifying things ever to be done. “You may feel nervous but there’s nothing wrong with that, I am very sure your house will welcome you as family” the teacher looked down at Rose and Albus and winked. There was a light tap on the door and the teacher’s smiled melted off his face and he suddenly looked natural, with his lips forming a perfect line.

The door opened a crack and Ted popped his head around the door “Professor Longbottom, they're ready for them” Rose peered behind Professor Longbottom and looked at Ted who gave her a sweet smile; she noticed that his eyes had changed to a brilliant luminous green. Professor Longbottom looked around and nodded politely while trying to keep a kind smile off his face. “I would like complete silence from you all … if possible” He smiled. Albus knew Neville would always struggle being strict he just didn’t have it in him.

The doors swung open and Neville spun on his heels and began to walk to the front. Everyone stumbled to keep up with him. Rose felt every single eye on her and all the other first years. She kept her bright brown eyes ahead focusing on Neville’s hair. But her something sparkled in her eyes and she looked up to the ceiling and she gazed upon the starry sky and was amazed by how the candles stayed hovering in the sky.
Last edited by Charlii101 on Wed Jan 04, 2012 5:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Tue Jan 03, 2012 9:38 pm
Mikko says...



Hey there Charli! I've been following and I'm really enjoying your story - it looks like you're doing Rowling's books justice with this! Let me work on the things that need fixing. Shall we start?

Well the first thing I'll say when reading this is that you need to place more paragraphs in here. Your piece needs to breathe xD it's all clustered up, so try dividing it into smaller chuncks, please. And anyway, it will help your reader get through it easily. I don't know, but for me, I find it easier to read something when it looks...roomy. Not stuffed into a small container.

Okay.

“Alright first years, follow me to the castle.the A giant pointed to the towering grey building that looked magnificent.

Here, I would really like it if you could describe this giant. I mean, it's the first time the kids are coming across Hagrid (any Potter fan would know that this is Hagrid but) there needs to be a description of some sort.

The stained-glass windows showing the four founders of Hogwarts were engraved on the windows.

Windows is repeated here. You might need to get rid of one and reformulate it.

“Beautiful isn’t it?” Rose looked around and stared into at Romeo’s face.


“Weasley! Come on, 'can’t be having you


The giant named Hagrid lead them up the stairs that lead to the entrance door of Hogwarts.

I would really suggest you changed the first "lead" into something like "walked", for example because it makes the sentence sound repetitive and slightly boring :/

Rose climbed up the steps, taking in all the scenery of the large lake in the distance and how it glistened with the moon on the surface of the water; trees lingered around the lake and occasionally, Rose saw a shore line.


She wondered how her mum and dad had felt while looking upon the view for the first time.


She thought her dad probably didn’t hadn't shown any interest in the view and concentrated more on being in Gryffindor.


But she knew her mum would of have loved to see this again, as the last time she probably saw it, it was destroyed and hardy standing.


“Rose, we didn’t even discuss house teams. Do you think I will be in Slytherin?”

:O Wow, I was quite surprised at this bit. You'd expect them to have talk all summer about this - if not, maybe even their whole lives!

“Albus you just have to remember what your dad said.


“Right first years,” everyone’s head craned up to the top of the stairs, where a man with blonde hair and a strong looking face smiled down at them all as if he was remembering a long lost memory. “Please come to the top of the stairs and do not adventure any further.


“Good luck you two.He smiled and stood up straight. “Right, all of you will enter through those doors...” he pointed a hand towards the huge golden door,


Rose’s eyes lit - up they looked beautiful to her. “...where you will gather at the front and wait for your name to be called out...” the teacher continued, ...you will them stand at the front and have a hat placed on your head. The hat will call out your house and you go and sit down at that table.


“You may feel nervous but there’s nothing wrong with that, I am very sure your house will welcome you as family.The teacher looked down at Rose and Albus and winked.


There was a light tap on the door and the teacher’s smiled melted off his face and he became normal faced.

xD "Normal faced" made me laugh. Maybe try using something else to describe his his sudden change of facial expression. You could try "...melted off and he became straight-faced." Or "neutral" or something... I know, it's not very helpful.

The door opened a crack and Ted popped his head around the door “Professor Longbottom, their they're ready for them.


Their =/= they're.

Rose peered around behind Professor Longbottom


sweet smile; she noticed that his eyes had changed to a brilliant luminous green.


“I would like complete silence from you all … if possible.He smiled.


True. Neville is too kind to be strict <3

Rose felt every single eye on her and everyone else all the other first years as they walked. She kept her gaze ahead, focusing on Neville’s hair. But her gazed she looked up to at the ceiling and she gazed gawked upon the starry sky and was amazed by how the candles stayed hovering in the sky.


This was a nice ending to the chapter but I thought there were too many "gaze" or "gazed" in one sentence. That's one of the main things I'd like you to becareful with in your story: don't repeat the same words in the same sentence - it gets kind of boring for the reader.

You have so many words available to you why not use them? When descibing things, you could use synonyms of the adjectives you've already used. Or metaphors to make your descriptions even more sensational and lovely to picture mentally.

Punctuation was a problem, especially in your speech. I could see that you didn't know whether you should place a comma or a full stop so you just closed the speech marks and carried on. I believe if your character is done talking, end with a full stop, but if he's still going to say something before another person speaks, place a comma before closing the speech marks. I know it sound a little confusing but many people have this problem.

I think that's all for the things you need to touch up on. I quite liked it and I'd really like to keep reading therefore you must keep on writing! ;D

Good luck, and I hope this helped!

Mikko.
when she needs to shelter from reality she takes a dip in my daydreams
  








Light griefs are loquacious, but the great are dumb.
— Seneca