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Achilles



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Sat Dec 17, 2011 12:04 am
AlfonsoFernandez says...



Spoiler! :
I don't know whether I will continue this story or not, so I put it in "short stories". Like and comment please!


It is true that your life flashes by when you are about to die. As the arrow flies, whistling towards my heel, I know it is the end. I see myself when I was an infant, just a few days old, sitting down in the center of a circle of the assembled gods. There was my mother, Thetis, standing proudly looking down at me. Then he who seemed the most powerful of all of them kneeled on one knee next to me and spoke.

“Achilles,” His voice was kind, but it seemed wild, untamed, like a thousand thunders all rumbling at once, “A war is to come when you grow older. The Greeks will invade the Trojans, and they will need a leader, a hero. We, the gods, have decided to make you the hero. But for that you must have a power that no other human has. You will be invulnerable to anything. But for that, you must go in the river Styx. You must be strong so that your soul doesn’t get pulled to the realm of the dead. You are too young to go to Hades, and too important. If anything happens, I am deeply sorry.”

Even though I was really small, I still remember it perfectly. I would never forget how Zeus, the king of gods himself, had called me a hero. Even if I hadn’t done anything. Yet. I remember my mother giving me a sad smile, holding me by the heel, lifting me up, and sinking me into the river.

I did not understand why was I doing this. Why were there people on the bottom of the river; people who seemed to have been there for eons. I could breath under the water, but I felt like part of me was slipping away into that dark pit of death. Then I felt the pain; pain that I would never forget. But I also felt as though I was healing. I felt like my skin was being covered with metal. I was stronger, invincible even. But there was my heel. I looked up to see it above the surface, suspended by my mother’s tight grip. I felt as if I was in full battle armor, and my heel naked. My heel being the only human part left of me. I still remember it perfectly.

My mother pulled me up, my body dripping death liquid. Poison. The gods looked aghast. I was the only living human being who had ever survived the river Styx. The chances were minimal, but worth risking in times like those.

“Well,” said Zeus, “You shall start getting stronger, but your training will begin in a few years. Until then, farewell.”

And then lightning struck him, and he was gone. Then, one by one, the gods disappeared. At the end, there was only Thetis left, and she embraced me in her arms, her human warmth making me feel human again. But I would never be. And things would only get worse until the end. I closed my eyes, thinking about the future, and sunk into complete blackness.
Last edited by AlfonsoFernandez on Thu Jan 05, 2012 3:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Sat Dec 17, 2011 1:41 am
GeeLyria says...



Love it<3
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Sat Dec 17, 2011 4:13 am
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Sonotmybirthday says...



You MUST continue!!!! This is really good!! I really like how it was told from his perspective I've never seen that done before!!! The story\action was really vivid: i felt as if i was really there seeing it!! PLEASE CONTINUE!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!! <3
BE FIERCE!!!!!!
  





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Sat Dec 17, 2011 6:07 pm
Xyra says...



I enjoy your writing style and the subject matter! I really do think you should continue.
One thing I noticed is that you use "I still remember it perfectly" multiple times. If it's done right, you can get away with it, but right now it detracts from the flow of the story. Use different sets of words meaning the same thing, like "The images from that day will never leave my mind". It makes it less repetitive.
Other than this, it's really good! You have beautiful imagery, and it's just a bit of a cliffhanger now. I think that it would be cool if you went into who Achilles daddy was.But you don't have to if it doesn't fit into your general plan for the story.
Brava!
Xy
More Than Words Can Say
Forever Yours
Xyra Pekkala


PS I will love you forever if you review my story Maia (revised version!)
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I'll review something of yours in return :P
  





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Sat Dec 17, 2011 6:19 pm
Snoink says...



Haha... I have been corrupted by Homer and Hesiod . Anyway, I will try to bite my tongue on certain issues. Still, I will remark that Thetis is a very dull character compared to some of the other versions that are out there and she seems rather simpering here.

As far as your last line, it's kind of dull... he sunk into blackness? I mean, I am guessing that he's dead at this point, since you started off saying he was dying. But, the actual dying scene seems strange. His life supposedly flashes past his eyes, yet he only sees that one moment. It sounds a bit strange there.

Anyway, just a couple of thoughts!
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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Sun Dec 18, 2011 5:28 pm
lili024 says...



Great Job!
You should definetly continue that, cause if you don't I'll cry. :'( You should make Thetis a bit more important.
You also say I still remmember perfectly too many times.
Best whishes,
Lili
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Sun Dec 18, 2011 10:27 pm
Laminated says...



Hullo!

I like the story. Greek stuff is super cool.
That said, the story of Achilles is difficult to cram into a short story. I would suggest not so much continuing it, but expanding it.

One thing I noticed:

Then he maybe? the one?who seemed the most powerful of them kneeled on one knee next to me and spoke.


That sentence seems like it is missing a word.

Super cool, I love it:)
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Tue Dec 20, 2011 2:46 am
greenjay says...



Hi Alfonso,

First, I want to say that I really liked the idea of this story. Achilles's meeting with the gods and experience and survival of the river lend a mystical drive to the story, and I love that his heel was left out of the water. You did well in emphasizing this...it's a powerful foreshadowing!

You also did well with the writing, though I have a few minor suggestions.

But for that you must have a power that no other human has. You will be invulnerable to anything. But for that, you must go in the river Styx. You must be strong so that your soul doesn’t get pulled to the realm of the dead. You are too young to go to Hades, and too important. If anything happens, I am deeply sorry.


Here you use, "But for that" twice. I suggest replacing both, as this phrase is not the best sentence starter. What about "For this you must have..." and "Such power requires a price" ? Just some ideas to get you thinking.

I found Zeus's speech confusing, though it made sense after I had read a bit further. It would help if you were a bit more specific. For instance, you could explain that Zeus (or someone else or some law) requires that Achilles be dipped into the river Styx. It would help clarify this section and give the reader a clear bridge to what happens next.

Overall, I really like this piece, and along with the others, I encourage you to continue. Sadly, I do not know as much about this myth as I would like to, so I really appreciate people like you who are willing to take the time to reinvent and present the good old myths to me!

Thanks for sharing!
the greenjay strikes again...
  





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Wed Dec 28, 2011 7:44 am
Angelreader77 says...



Hey Alfonso!
Here to review~
I loved it. Your idea was amazing, and the was you portrayed it even better. Your opening sentence makes it really hard for the reader to give up on the piece and the constant action makes it even harder to do so. I liked your writing style as well.
AlfonsoFernandez wrote:Then who seemed the most powerful of them kneeled on one knee next to me and spoke.

When I first read this sentence, I was a bit confused. I think you should add commas.
Like: Then, who seemed the most powerful of them all, kneeled on one knee next to me and spoke.
The imagery you used was really good.
AlfonsoFernandez wrote:Why were there people on the bottom of the river; people who seemed to have been there for eons.

This sentence didn't seem so right to me. I think you should put a question mark or maybe rephrase it.
And your descriptions were awesome :D
AlfonsoFernandez wrote:At the end, there was only Thetis left, and she embraced me in her arms, her human warmth making me feel human again.

The 'in her arms' isn't required.
Your end is cliffhanger and you really should continue this. After all you said in the beginning that Achilles life flashes by. This was only one flash, right? ;)
Keep writing
Angel :D
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Sat Dec 31, 2011 1:33 am
Fenrir77 says...



This is amazing! I had heard a brief explanation on Achilles birth but never from first person. I highly encourage you to continue this account and consider trying other myths as well. I'd like to see you write about during and after the Trojan war from Achilles perspective like in the Illiad.
  





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Sun Jan 01, 2012 2:29 pm
Blues says...



Hi there, Alfonso!
I'm here as requested. Sorry this took a few days, Christmas, New Year's, y'know XD I hope you had a good new year.

My first impressions - this is pretty good! But is this a first chapter? I'd have thought this suited a prologue more because this introduces the whole thing. It's the necessary bit of the plot to understand, but not necessarily the actual beginning of the conflict.

As a prologue, this served great. It was interesting and the first person idea definitely helped that. It didn't feel like an info dump and I now know (a bit of) the Achilles story. So well done. I do actually think you should continue it, so if I were you, I'd PM a moderator to move it :)

I've got no nitpicks at the moment (hooray! I hate Nitpicking), but I do have a word of warning. This is the first time I know anything on the Achilles story, but I want to say that you can make something out of this story. But if you do, my main concern is that it'd be too similar to the actual story. What'd be great in this story is a kind of twist on the story, so we know the basic stuff, but there's a unique interpretation to it that makes it much more than a recount of the story in first person.

Does his mum and Zeus feature a lot in the story? If he does, I'd love to see a little bit of description of how they look like, in a few words or something. If not, don't worry, but in case they do, it'd be really important. I don't know myself if the Gods look like Humans or not! :)

But anyway, I do hope I helped. This is definitely something I'd read! I know a friend (I made him join YWS recently) who loves this kinda stuff. I might tell him about this, if you don't mind ;)

Thanks for the request and keep writing!

-Mac
  








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