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To Relive A Dream *Preview*



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Tue Dec 13, 2011 3:56 am
Nike says...



Spoiler! :
I wrote this in Homeroom, so I didn't get a chance to actually finish! But this is a new story I thought of (like always) I always think of new ones everyday, ha-ha. But this time I decided to actually write it out and I think it's good. Leave comments and reviews!!! I want to know YOUR opinion of this (:

Thanks,

Nike (:


They arrived.

Sound of footsteps jumped through the house, ready to destroy. Even this crammped attic didn't feel safe anymore. I was scared, shivers crawling down my spine.

I wasn't ready for this.

Not today, please not today.

"Dear God, please make this nightmare be a nightmare,"

But I was under a curse. There was nothing I could do to stop it. Every dream I had, I relived.

Every. Single. One.

At times it was torture, others it was amazing. This nightmare was torture. The difference with this one and any other dream was - I was going to die.

No matter what I did, the dream won't change. Sometime sit would, if I find a way. But it's impossible with this one.

"Please, I beg of you. This once! I know I've begged before, I just hate the torture, but I don't want to die." I whispered into the dark.
It was pitch black, I couldn't even see ,y hand which was in front of my face. I couldn't stop shivering, the floor underneath me creaking. Even though I was hiding under a bed, I was still visible. I need to find a better place.

In the dream, I was hiding under here. This day bed was worthless and as old as President Lincoln.

Looking around, this didn't help me. I couldn't see anything! Maybe they wouldn't be able to see me as well. No, they would. Feeling something big and hard behind me, I grabbed it, pulling it in front of me. No luck, I didn't even have my phone to flash a light so I could see where to put it or to call the police. I placed it in front of me, hoping it blocked the view of me. It did. I didn't have this in my dream, maybe I'll survive.

"Thank you, God. This will be the last time I ask for help. I know, I say that every tome, but, I don't want you to take pity of me. But thanks," I whispered, shutting my eyes.

More thumps came from below me. They had no clue where I was.

I heard muffled words from the man's mouth. Great, they were far away. That's when a crash sound erupted from the next room. I saw some light, turning my head I saw a hole on my left. That wasn't there before - not even in my dream.

"Thanks..." I whispered with a smile.

Sometimes the only thing I can rely on to help me is God. Who else can? This dream is unchangeable, like any other. But he can change it, while I can too. But, I don't know how.

"Can you see anything?" One British guy said.

"No, there's no use, we can't find the girl," the other guy, an American, said.
“There is no need to call me Sir, Professor.”
  





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Tue Dec 13, 2011 7:59 am
volleyball13 says...



Sounds like a really good story idea.
At times it was torture, others it was amazing. This nightmare was torture. The difference with this one and any other dream was - I was going to die.

My personal opinion for the last sentence is you change it to something along the lines of, " The difference between this one and the other dreams was one thing, and one thing only. I was going to die."
Good luck with the story, I would very much like to read more. :)
"Crowded classrooms and half-day sessions are a tragic waste of our greatest national resource - the minds of our children."
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Tue Dec 13, 2011 8:23 am
Lavvie says...



Hi there Nike! 'Tis Lavvie for a review.

Alright, so this is pretty bizarre in the first place, even so for a "preview" or whatever you'd like to call it. While I was reading it, I really didn't get the sense of it being prose but it felt more like the protagonist's stream of consciousness, but written. I'm not saying this is bad, but it's definitely different and not very literary. I predict that it will be even more difficult if you decide to take this further, such as expand the plot into one used in a novella or a novel. It would be challenging then to keep up this stream-of-consciousness-writing for such a lengthy period of time.

Probably due to the whole stream-of-consciousness thing, I also found everything all very choppy. The sentences didn't flow well together and transition words were/are far from prominent. Those words are very crucial to fluid prose as they aid in transitioning from paragraph to paragraph, sentence to sentence. I can see that you're probably wanting a very blunt type of prose, but it's not boding you or the story very well. In certain cases, it's okay, but definitely not this. It eventually reads almost monotonously and becomes exceedingly dull.

To be blunt.

Additionally, you may want to add some more descriptions. So far, it's simply narration and I'm having trouble visualizing anything at all. Write through the eyes of this protagonist because it's what writing is mostly about: painting an image through words. Don't be afraid to do this. Let your creativity run wild and then you can go back later and edit out whatever you deem unfit for the story.

Also. Some nitpicks:

Sound of footsteps jumped through the house, ready to destroy.


This line is really awkward. I mean, how can footsteps jump around a house? I doubt they're belonging to rabbits. And how can they destroy besides stomping? I think you're trying to tell us that the footsteps sounded menacing and were heavy-footed? I'm not sure. Be more precise, please.

Every. Single. One.


This isn't a very literary usage of punctuation. It merely drags out these three rather meaningless words and does nothing for the story. You can simply make this one phrase instead of three chopped up words.

This day bed was worthless and as old as President Lincoln.


That is such an odd simile. It works, I guess, but it has little in relation to the day bed (?). Try a simile that actually kind of works with the thing you're comparing or else it's silly.

Don't hesitate to drop me a line via PM if you have any questions about this review.

Yours,
Lavvie


What is to give light must endure burning. – Viktor Frankl
  








If you want to make enemies, try to change something.
— Woodrow Wilson