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The True Story of Cinderella

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Mon Dec 12, 2011 1:20 pm
actorgirl101 says...

Now, you may think that you know the story of Cinderella, but let me tell you. All of you have been fed nothing but lies. Let me tell you the REAL story of Cinderella.
I met Cinderella on the day her father married my mother. I know you%u2019ve all been told that my mom was a tyrant, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Mom was a hard-working, but beautiful woman. Mom had to go to work to send Drezella and I to school. She sewed beautiful clothes for the wealthy people in town. She always placed a high importance on education, and told us that we could be anything we wanted if we had an education. I was going to be a political journalist and Drezella was going to be a chemical engineer.
Then Mom met Charles, Cinderella%u2019s dad. And worse she married him.
At first, everything seemed fine. Charles was a nice man, but wouldn%u2019t let us do anything He didn%u2019t want the neighbors thinking that any of us had to work, so he hired servants to do the things my mother told him she would gladly do. But he wouldn%u2019t hear of it.
As for Cinderella, she spent her days looking in the mirror pretending to have conversations with %u201Cher prince%u201D and reading those silly fairytales. Really, it was shameless! She would sit for hours in front of the mirror saying things like, %u201COh, Prince Charming. I would love to dance with you!%u201D and %u201CYes, yes, I%u2019ll marry you!%u201D
Then, one day, Charles died, and we were on our own again. We weren%u2019t concerned. Mom figured that there should be some money in the bank. Boy was she wrong.
Not only was there no money in the bank, but Charles had borrowed several thousand dollars to keep up appearances for the neighbors.
Well, mom went home and fired all the servants, and opened up a dress shop right in our home. Drezella and I graduated from high school and started college, helped mom with the business, and each worked another part-time job in tow.
That left Cinderella. She refused to do anything. She sat in her room and cried, and talked to her mirror. She wouldn%u2019t leave her room at all.
We would read to her each night, but still she would just sit and us things like, %u201CDo you think my prince will come for me tomorrow?%u201D One night I told her that, yes, I did think that her prince would come the next day, but that she needed to look beautiful for him and come down first thing in the morning.
The lie seemed to work for a while. Cinderella got up every morning and came downstairs. She ate with us and even talked of sensible things. Mother thought it only fair that now that Cinderella was doing better she would help out with housework. We told her that it wouldn%u2019t do for the prince to come and see a mess. With this thought in mind, Cinderella got to work and cleaned every minute of the every day.
Then we made a terrible mistake. We suggested to her that she think about going to college with us. She went ballistic! She started ranting and raving that she NEEDED the prince. That her life was nothing without her prince, and that we were keeping the prince from her. Then, she ran back to her room and locked the door again.
Mom said that it was time for action. She had seen a flyer, advertising a ball at the castle. The prince was having a ball and had vowed to dance with every eligible maiden. We knew that we needed to get Cinderella to that ball, get her noticed by the prince and then, hopefully he would take her off our hands forever.
At first we just told Cinderella about the ball. But all she said that the prince needed to be a gentleman, and that he needed to come to her.
Then, I had an idea. We all knew what a love Cinderella had for those silly fairy tales, so I suggested that we create one. Mom would dress up like the %u201Cfairy godmother%u201D and give Cinderella a beautiful dress to wear. Shoes were a problem, as we knew that plain, ordinary shoes would have Cinderella questioning the magic of her fairy tale. The, Drezella came up with the idea of taking a mold of Cinderella%u2019s foot and making her a pair of shoes from a polycarbon resin. The shoes would be clear and molded perfectly for Cinderella%u2019s feet, yet they would be durable enough for dancing (and running). Come on, you didn%u2019t really think that glass would make good shoes, did you?
Then I went to work. I printed up personal invitations, which Drezella and I delivered to the homes of the most beautiful girls in the kingdom that stated the ball would begin at midnight.
The rest is history. After Drezella and I left to guard the gate. Mom, dressed up as %u201Cthe fairy godmother%u201D, gave Cinderella the gown, showed her the coach we borrowed from the neighbors (as their daughters wouldn%u2019t be needing it until 11:30 to go to the ball, ha ha). And then told her that she needed to be home by midnight. Cinderella showed up at the ball, the prince fell in love with the most bequtiful girl at the ball and used her specially made shoe to find her. They got married and Cinderella moved out. The plan worked perfectly . . .
Except we hadn%u2019t really planed on Cinderella making up hose horrible stories about us just to gain more sympathy from the people and to explain her odd behavior, and what did WE get for all our trouble? Nothing but a bad reputation.

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Mon Dec 12, 2011 2:44 pm
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BrokenSkye says...

First things first, WELCOME TO YWS! Okay, now to get serious. If you look at your work, that was amazing by the way, there are the little number and letter phrases from where when you copied that document over to YWS that it made all the apostrophes and such into word and number phrases. I would highly suggest that you fix that immediately. But other than that I don't really see any other form of an error.
Did you come up with this yourself? Because it was simply amazing and beautifully written. I love how you took a story that made the Queen and the two ugly step-sisters into this, where Cinderella was the one that had all the melt downs and problems. And the three were just trying to help her get her life back together and right on track.

Well I really liked this piece and can't wait to see more from you.
Spoiler! :
If you love something let it go, if it comes back, it's your's.

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Mon Dec 12, 2011 3:07 pm
MikeMoney says...

Wow, who knew Cinderella was such a lazy -censor-. I enjoyed this story but seen mistakes in your punctuation, but don't worry everyone makes them :). What I would do is edit and re-read. Hoped that helped.
"If your horrible to me, I'm going to write a song about it, and you won't like it. That's how I operate" - Taylor Swift #Stop Bullying!

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74 Reviews

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Mon Dec 12, 2011 3:12 pm
LemonyIce says...

Hey actorgirl~
HPR here to review! :D
*laughs* I love the idea for this story! It's funny and enjoyable. But I think you would ruin little kids' imagination with this story, eh? XD Anyway, I really enjoyed it and the idea for what really happened was very good. I definitely enjoyed reading the story. Now, Nitpicks~

I know you%u2019ve all been told...

Then Mom met Charles, Cinderella%u2019s dad.

but wouldn%u2019t let us do anything. He didn%u2019t

You see the parts I've put in bold? You had a lot of those in the story. I know you didn't type it like that, so just edit and correct those, okay? Also, in the third line that I quoted, you need to have a full stop between anything and He.

She always placed a high importance on education, and told us that we could be anything we wanted if we had an education. I was going to be a political journalist and Drezella was going to be a chemical engineer. 

This part seems a little wrong to me. It's more like a modern day Cinderella story because you've mentioned careers like political journalist and chemical engineer. Since the original is a fairy tale and such careers didn't exist in those times, I suggest you either change this part or turn the story into a modern day Cinderella story.

Drezella and I graduated from high school and started college, helped mom with the business, and each worked another part-time job in town

Like I said, modern day Cinderella. First of all, how would they even go to high school and college? If you think about it practically, they couldn't have gone to school or college because such things didn't actually exist! And part time jobs? Those were definitely not there. You were probably writing the story for fun, but I suggest to change this.

We would read to her each night, but still she would just sit and ask us things like,

Cinderella got to work and cleaned every minute of the every day. 

We all knew what a the love Cinderella had

Other than that, I really enjoyed your story! I'm sorry I pointed out so many mistakes but, don't worry! Everyone makes mistakes and I was just trying to help. Hopefully, I did. Anyway, really great idea and *likes*. ;) Oh, and welcome to YWS! :D

I'd rather waltz than just walk through the forest.
The trees keep the tempo and they sway in time.
Quartet of crickets chime in for the chorus.
If I were to pluck on your heart strings would you strum on mine?

~Plant Life, Owl City

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13 Reviews

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Tue Dec 13, 2011 4:44 am
Ad1la3tt3n says...

this is a wonderful story. Personally I never liked Cinderella, but this is a well thought out, funny, and quite harsh parody.
your new veiw on a classic story is inspired with a comical twist. Thinking of Cinderella as spoiled, insane, snot-nosed brat is so different it's criminal! there were a few problems of course, but thats normal. My biggest problem was I never learned the other sisters name. No big deal just a little anoying and I lost some conection with her. I like your writing style keep it up. :) P.s. I think you might like some books by Gregory Maguire.
Last edited by Ad1la3tt3n on Wed Dec 14, 2011 4:24 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Tue Dec 13, 2011 6:44 pm
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ElizaWards says...

Absolutely loved this story, it's very imaginative and I thought it was brilliant.

We all have our areas of faults and let me tell you...I've got a long list of faults.
The list of errors would be cut down dramatically if you reread your story (as many times as you can) because you can guarantee you've missed something. Try not to repeat the same phrase because the reader picks up on them quickly, it also challenges us writers to find better phrases. e.g. At the beginning you put "Let me tell you..." a couple of times. Maybe you could use...I would love to tell you the true story that has never been told.
It's up to you. I hope I've helped :)
Eliza Wards

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28 Reviews

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Sun Dec 18, 2011 7:31 am
92nida says...

Hi there...
I'm sorry to tell you this. But, I have already read a story like this one already. It was a published copy. But, I liked your version too. And I personally feel that you being in one of the sister's shoes and narrating it gave a kind of movement to this whole experience of Cinderella. I felt terribly sorry for the family. I also like the fact that you gave a history to the mother. You added where she came from. And made an abnormal context for cinderella's lies. It all worked well. Good job!

— BlueAfrica