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Rats, Twigs, and Black Bile



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32 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 1532
Reviews: 32
Sat Dec 10, 2011 3:34 pm
pettybage says...



Rough draft of rough story
***

Closed for renovation
Last edited by pettybage on Sun Dec 11, 2011 11:05 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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152 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 244
Reviews: 152
Sat Dec 10, 2011 4:58 pm
Niebla says...



This is brilliant - especially for a rough draft! As it's quite a long story I wasn't sure if I should take the time to read and review it or not. If it hadn't been really good, I wouldn't have done, but it drew me in straight away.

I loved the plot of the story in general, with the Gruga - it's really imaginative and although quite a bit of it is fairly fast-paced, none of it is too fast. Likewise, not a part of the story passed when I was beginning to get bored waiting for the next bit of action. I particularly liked the story after the part where he found the dead horse - reading that part really spread a chill through me and I found myself quite literally shivering and glancing around the room.

Also, I love the vivid images and the feelings you creative with your writing. Like any good writing, it made me feel as if I was really there. For instance, the last line:

“Very true,” said Hroda, closed his eyes, and turned his face to catch the soft breeze while it lasted.
When I read this, it was as if I could feel the breeze. You didn't over or under-describe it - you did it perfectly. It may seem like a random example but I found it was like this throughout much of the story. I also quoted the line above because I found it to be a really satisfying end.
An occasional low hanging branch got into the rider’s faces or hair.


That should be riders'. Also, I think you could find a better way of describing it than "got into".

As I said, even that's the tiniest nitpick - and it's probably the only one I can find. You could probably read through it and find ways to polish it more and word some of the sentences in different, more effective ways. Still, even if you didn't do that, it would be a really good and enjoyable to read story.

You did a really amazing job with this - well done!

~MorningMist~
  





User avatar
32 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 1532
Reviews: 32
Sun Dec 11, 2011 2:47 am
pettybage says...



Rats, Twigs, and MorningMist,
thanks for the positivity burst, Mist! You're too kind - there are things to tweak almost on every line, but I'll get there. But your review was like a crumbling goblin finger - a very timely and needed boost :)
  








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