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Death- Contest Piece



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Wed Dec 07, 2011 11:58 pm
alabasterwolveness says...



In the stillness of the lonesome night, nothing seemed to move. Her movements were short and curled together as the darkened water’s torrents. The woods had a mist to them; the air seemed to get chillier as the night clock counted down to the next sunrise of a blissful day. The night seemed to last forever, her long white hair contrasts against the pitch black. Almost a colour of yin and yang, shifting as the girl moves.
The wind blows slightly, causing the mist to slowly amble its way through out the dead woods. The trees were bare, their branches were different than most. The bark of the trees were dark, grey, and out of shape. There was a tint of green from the moonlight hitting the moss that covered most of the terrain.
The girl swiftly walks into the heart of the dead forest, her long white hair flows behind her as her tail uncurls around her body. As her tail uncurls, her ears seem to appear at the top of her head. Her ears slowly rise up into a perked position; twisting to and fro, listening to the silent of the woods, searching for something that she had lost long ago.
Her hands hung at her side, her fingers curled up into a fist. Her eyes started to show rage as she couldn’t find what she was looking for. Her expression was different then what it was earlier, there seemed to be worried written all over it.
Suddenly a young white wolf appears in the mist, staring at the young girl with jaded eyes. She stops, starring at it. Her hazel eyes seem to glow due to the reflection of the mid-night moon light. The white wolf slowly steps forward, meeting up with the girl. Its movement’s showing kindness and friendliness towards the young girl as she bent down to meet it at its own level.
“Hello my dear friend,” She whispers, gently running her fingers through the wolf’s soft, silky pelt. The pure alabaster wolf gently buts its nose to her hand, showing a sign to respond to what she had said. She smiles softly towards the wolf, something inside her made her feel happy once more.
There was a sudden screaming in the distance; she quickly turned towards the direction of the screaming. Her ears perked as she tilts her head to see what was coming. A dark figure seemed to rise out of the mist, carrying a sword beside it. She motioned the wolf to run, but it stayed at her side.
The figure came running towards them; the smell of blood began to fill the air. The smell of her brethren’s blood, that made her rage go out of control. She stood tall, her tail flickering to and fro as she ran towards the stranger. Waiting to get revenge upon for slaughtering her family and friends; she lets out a scream as she tackled the warrior to the terrain.
She leans over him, her eyes filled with rage when she noticed that the boy was crying. She tilts her head as she saw something else within him. His eyes seemed to be a mix of black and blue. He was being possessed. The young girl gently pressed her head against the boys, causing the spirit within him to rise out of his body. The spirit was one of a restless bear, one that was killed long ago by her tribe.
The young girl bows to the bear, gently offering her hand to take the bear back to a place of happiness. The bear took off running in the other direction, leaving the young girl and the scared boy in the dark woods. Silently the girl helped the boy up, and began to tend to his wounds. The young boy glanced at her, wondering why he had lived though he had killed all those helpless people. He watched the girl; she was different than the others. She had a tail and ears like a wolf, kindness like any other animal to another.
“Who are you?” Asks the boy, glancing towards her.
“My name is Lady Death, and you?” She asks, her gaze turning towards him.
“Why such a horrid name?”
“My name is this way because I see all that is dead and all that’s alive. As you can see, I’m nothing like everyone else in the land. I normally keep to myself and help those of the dead find their way home. You slaughtered my people, which I still am raged with. Indeed it wasn’t your fault, there for I must forget,” She weakly says, turning away and begins to start a fire.
“You see all that is dead? There you can talk with the dead?” He asks, tilting his head in a perplexed motion.
“Indeed, I can speak with the dead. Mostly I never talk, the spirits like the silence,” She says, leaning over the fire. Her tail sways as her ears flicker.
“Ah I see how can you live out here alone? Aren’t you lonely?” asks the boy, watching her again.
“No, I have the animals that live in the forest, and all the spirits around. We all need each other, so we all become one,” She claims, turning her hazel gaze back towards him.
“Lady Death… That indeed is a weird name, but you are lovely to one another like me. I think your name should be Nylla,” the boy says happily.
“Why Nylla?” the young girl asks.
“Because Nylla was the name of a girl in my village, she was the kindest of us all. You seem like her, so you are worthy to have a name like hers, well is it alright that I call you that?” He asks.
“Do as you wish, I wouldn’t mind at all,” The young girl claims, watching him. The boy tilts his head, his eyes scanning the wolf girl up and down to try and find what mood she felt then. Her eyes only showed sadness, pain, and suffering. She had been suffering so long, scars on her body showed that. She looked of Death, and acted the way of Death because of her silence. It scared the boy, as soon as he let the fear come back to him… It all happened again.
The demon took his body back over, slashing the girl in the head. She let out a yelp, suddenly the young white wolf from earlier jumped out at the boy. Grabbing his jugular and shaking its body wildly. This threw both of them to the dusty barren terrain, blood splattered across the province, only to be soaked into the earth. The wolf-like girl only watched as the young boy was killed by her fellow companion.
She only came over and told the wolf to stop as soon as the boy had no soul left inside of his body. His soul left, his eyes turning pitch black as the forgotten mid-night sky. The young girl’s ears flatten against her head as she knew she could have stopped the killing but she didn’t. She left the young wolf finish the boy off. The wolf dug into the boy’s helpless body, ripping the flesh off of the bones. The wolf turned back to the girl after it had eaten. Its muzzle stained with the blood of the dead boy, it just lay beside the girl. Waiting for more travelers to come along, it the dead forest in the middle of the pitch black night.
~Lady Death~
Down in the dark, alone at night. Bleeding and Torn... Broken in the light
  





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Thu Dec 08, 2011 10:16 pm
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TaylorTheGreat says...



I think this is a really interesting peice. It really sent chills down my back. You did a great job with your immagery, and that really helped me see the story's setting. You are a great writer, and this story has no flaws that I can detect. I think you have a true talent on writing theese types of genres. Keep on writing, you are doing great!
  





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Sat Dec 10, 2011 1:38 am
Griffinkeeper says...



This story is full of purple prose. Purple prose is what happens when a writer deliberately over-complicates their writing; usually because they are trying to impress the reader with their writing ability. Readers, on the other hand, like things to be as clear as possible. The clearer the writing; the easier it becomes to read.

Her movements were short and curled together as the darkened water’s torrents.


I have no notion of what this could mean. I'm trying to imagine water, which has been darkened (when is water like light?) and it is in possession of torrents. But a torrent is water that is moving rapidly and violently; which doesn't bring to mind short movements, nor curled ones.

Perhaps you mean to communicate how fluid and graceful the girl's movements are. Rather than comparing them to darkened waters torrents; you can merely state that her movements are graceful and fluid.

The woods had a mist to them; the air seemed to get chillier as the night clock counted down to the next sunrise of a blissful day.


Is there a day clock to compliment the night clock? And where is this clock that is counting down? In the woods? And how do we know that the next day is going to be blissful?

Perhaps you should just say that the air become colder as the night went on?

The night seemed to last forever, her long white hair contrasts against the pitch black. Almost a colour of yin and yang, shifting as the girl moves.


Seeing as water just had torrents moments ago; does the night have long white hair? The yin and yang reference implies that the idea exists in the world you are writing; but yin and yang are not colors; they are opposites.

Instead of that; you split the first sentence into two sentences. One, to indicate that the protagonist has been searching for a while. The second; to admire her appearance. The third sentence will no longer be necessary.

The wind blows slightly, causing the mist to slowly amble its way through out the dead woods.


Dead woods? Are those the same woods as there was earlier? Or is this a completely different set of woods?

Instead of dead woods, replace it with dead trees. Unless the entire forest is dead.

The girl swiftly walks into the heart of the dead forest, her long white hair flows behind her as her tail uncurls around her body.


The girl who is night has a tail which uncurls. So she's not human. This would have been worth knowing earlier. Unless stated otherwise, we assume that girls are human.

As her tail uncurls, her ears seem to appear at the top of her head. Her ears slowly rise up into a perked position; twisting to and fro, listening to the silent of the woods, searching for something that she had lost long ago.


Her ears seem to appear at the top of her head, but they don't actually? Are these human ears? Or is she transforming into a wolf? It would be hard to "perk" human ears, much less move them up to the top of her head. But if they only seem to appear...

Instead of being vague; be specific. Her ears didn't just appear to change; they did change.

Her hands hung at her side, her fingers curled up into a fist. Her eyes started to show rage as she couldn’t find what she was looking for. Her expression was different then what it was earlier, there seemed to be worried written all over it.


She gets angry and starts to show rage; but her expression doesn't change to rage because it has the word "worried" written all over it.

The vague language really hurts you here. Merely state her anger; mixed with worry. None of this "started" business. State what is happening.

Suddenly a young white wolf appears in the mist, staring at the young girl with jaded eyes. She stops, starring at it. Her hazel eyes seem to glow due to the reflection of the mid-night moon light. The white wolf slowly steps forward, meeting up with the girl. Its movement’s showing kindness and friendliness towards the young girl as she bent down to meet it at its own level.


She stops what? Walking? Or is it the whole "worried" written all over her face business?

This particular section is very jerky, it isn't a smooth read. That's what happens when you stop to describe every motion. Sometimes you want to do it in order to describe things that are happening in slow motion. I don't think this one is done very well.

The figure came running towards them; the smell of blood began to fill the air. The smell of her brethren’s blood, that made her rage go out of control. She stood tall, her tail flickering to and fro as she ran towards the stranger. Waiting to get revenge upon for slaughtering her family and friends; she lets out a scream as she tackled the warrior to the terrain.


And this is where I stopped reading. Random warrior randomly attacks with a sword. So what does the unarmed wolf girl do? She tackles him. Aren't we forgetting the large pointy thing called a sword? What is to stop random warrior from cutting her down? This is never explained.

You need to re-examine this scene. You skip the battle, which is very important. Battles tell the reader who is fighting; why they are fighting, and how they are fighting. Males in particular like reading the battle scenes; you cheat them when you don't describe it.

I hope this helps you.
Moderator Emeritus (frozen in carbonite.)
  





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Wed Dec 14, 2011 8:08 pm
Omnom says...



Ok, here to review! :D

I like the story very much, but there are some things I saw that worried me.

During the first few paragraphs, you changed you mind from past-tense to present-tense. I don't know why you did that, unless you meant for the story to be that way.

alabasterwolveness wrote:her long white hair flows behind her as her tail uncurls around her body.


It would make the sentence flow a little more if you put it like this:
Her long, white hair was flowing behind her as her tail uncurled around her body.

Your first paragraph was in past-tense, so it would make much more sense if you made the rest of the story that way.
alabasterwolveness wrote:staring at the young girl with jaded eyes. She stops, starring at it.


I don't really need to put this out here, but I am anyway; you spelt staring wrong right after you spelt it right! :) Sorry, my OCD.

Also noting, you changed from the wolf-girl to the boy in a middle of a paragraph, really bugs me, sorry lol.

The ending was somewhat weird and short, kind of a cliffhanger and unexpected.

I hope you excell in the contest, but if you were to lengthen this story a bit more, I would follow you.
Good job and keep up the writing!
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Formerly Kirkiln
  








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