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Tue Nov 22, 2011 12:48 am
youngwolf1105 says...



Thank you for taking your time and reviewing this. I'm not sure where this is goin, but I hope it ends well....

Prologue
The city burned. The screams of women, dogs barking, and gun firings rang throughout her. Some watched in delight, while the rest watched in horror at what they had done. Every living creature, from human to vampire, was dead. Such a mass murder, yet no one knew that it had ever been. The city would start out small again, and build its way up. And humanity would never again know of their existence. In till the day they met again.
It has been 345 years since that fateful night. Now they meet again. And until now, no one had known of their crimes, their evil ways. But only one knows, and that individual is I. Since the learning of this strange, yet eerie knowledge, strange things have happened to me. I now have learned that I’m wanted dead by some of them. But one, I’ve stolen his heart. Perhaps this knowledge isn’t so bad after all…..

Chapter One
“Hey Victoria, you’re up next!” My tennis instructor, Lucas, tells me cheerfully like he always had. My friend, Callie, sighed in awe at his departure. I had to admit, he was quite handsome. And it hadn’t hurt that he was only four years older than I. Neither had it hurt that he was madly in love with me. He probably still is, but I haven’t spoken to him in years.
“Must you fall in love with every handsome man you meet?” I sarcastically asked Callie. She had never hid her feelings for him, and neither had he hid his feelings for me.
“I can’t help it. It is not like they take me seriously. All anyone thinks of me is dumb.” She replied, tying her long blonde hair into a bun.
“Now that’s not true. They only think of you as slut.” I said, trying to be humorous. It hadn’t work. If only I had the power to be as cheerful as Lucas, I thought. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about all this.
“Great, even better,” Callie said in her American, southern fashion. Bright girl, she was. But the only reason no one ever took her seriously was because she was from the American South, where the cowboys lived. Some place called Oklahoma. I had no clue. She had always referred to herself as a rich Okie, which I suppose wasn’t common. I had no interest of America. London was my only interest.
“Come on, we’re up.”
We played our game and I won, of course. I had been very athletic, but poor Callie on the other hand wasn’t very coordinated. Sure she was beautiful, smart, and down-to-earth, but not very good with her hands. The poor girl tripped every five steps. She tried, though. I suppose that’s all that had mattered. But she’d only done it to impress Lucas. Poor thing, even she knew that he didn’t pay the least bit of attention to her. His eyes were on me and only me. While I hadn’t been all that attracted to him, he had grown on me.
“Are you up for another round, Victoria?” Callie asked, obviously wanting more time with Lucas. She would get nowhere, I realized. Might as well give her the benefit of the doubt, I thought to myself. As I served the ball, it was struck by a random stroke of lightening as dark clouds rolled over us. Not only was the ball gone, vanquished by fire, but it had caught the net on fire as well. Callie pretended to faint, only to fall on her butt. I raised an eyebrow at her act. I slowly walked around the burning net over to her. Lucas came to my side, asking if I was okay, barely giving Callie a glance. I waved him off, not wanting his lack of care for her to upset her. I pick her up in my arms and she whispers.
“Lucas, is that you?” But instead of answering her, I threw her up in the air as high as I could and let her come back to my arms. She was “awake” then. She took one look at me and gave me a devilish glare.
“Put me down,” She growled.
“Oh no, I can’t do that. You have fainted, my dear Callie. You must be carried.” She growled and jumped out of my arms. Lucas gave her an astounded look, with a laugh. Finally he had noticed her. I saw a slight twinkle in those blue eyes for someone besides me.
“I’m fine, I’m country strong. This stupid country has affected me far too much.” That was it, and the twinkle was gone, never to return.
We left soon after that ordeal. I had rescued her from embarrassing herself even more. As we headed home, to the countryside, the radio stopped working as soon as a news broadcast came on. Why did I let father buy me this dumb, American car? I thought to myself. But after a little while, it began to work again.
“What is wrong, my dearest Callie?” I asked her, feeling for her. She had sat in silence for the entire car drive.
“Nothing Victoria, just keep your eyes on the road, please.” She replied, sulkily. I had finally had enough.
“Okay, I’ve simply had enough. I know you’re attracted to Lucas, and I also know that he is attracted to me. And so do you. I’m sorry that I can’t make him like you. But I can’t now will you please stop taking it out on me? I’m supposed to be your friend, not your enemy! Now just get over yourself. I promise you that if he ever comes onto me, I’ll turn him down.” I said, turning the car radio down with a little too much force.
“Do you have to remind me every stinking chance you get? And I don’t want you to turn him down, because I want you to be happy. I’ll get over him.”
“But that’s not the point! I don’t want him. He could die and I wouldn’t care. The only thing I would say at his funeral is that the world was one less tennis player. That’s it! I’m not attracted to him; I only like him as a person. That’s it, you must believe me! Please! You’re my good friend. I don’t want to lose you over him. He’s not worth fighting for.” I argued with her, knowing that it would do no good. We dropped the conversation and resumed listening to the radio.
As I pulled into the five-car garage on the side of my parent’s house, the rain ceased. Since Callie was spending the weekend at my house, I grabbed her bags and hauled them up the stair case to my small, above garage home. It was actually just a big bedroom with a small sitting area and kitchen. I sat her bags by the door to the huge bathroom that could double as a small apartment. She stared in awe at my small living area. I had always complained to my parents about how I hated living in huge places. SO they had the garage and apartment built, just for me. It made me happy and I never had to worry about ghosts, because I was the only one who had lived here. Then again, there are plenty of ghost in the main house, so they might have strayed over there. But I’d never saw one. Then again, there was that one time that I had thrown a pair of panties and a bra on the floor to go take a shower, but when I had gotten back, they had mysteriously disappeared. Either there was a perverted ghost in the apartment, or a thieving animal. I never saw them again. It hadn’t happened since then, but I still felt like someone was watching me undress.
“So, what do you feel like doing tonight?” I ask Callie, changing into my pajamas. The only thing that I wore for pajamas back then was a pair of satin booty-shorts, as the Americans would say, and a matching satin camisole.
“I brought the movie, Twilight, if you want to watch that?” She asks, unsure. The Twilight series drove her crazy. While I loved them two, I just wasn’t into vampires and werewolves all that much. But I admit that I was in love with Robert Patterson. He was absolutely gorgeous and had a great head of hair. While Callie, on the other hand, had madly fallen in love with her Indian counterpart, Jacob. The girl was full blood Cherokee, whatever that’d meant.
“Once again, my darling, we’ve watched it many of times at your own house. How about we watch some scary movies I’ve received from America?” A few weeks before this time of joy with Callie, my parents took me on a trip to see the Americas. There I bought bunches of scary movies that you couldn’t buy in London. Sure, we had plenty of scary movies, but none were as good as the ones you could find in America.
“Okay, sounds good to me!”

A few scary movies after that and we turned them off. There was a reason why Britain hadn’t made their movies that scary. British people were wimps, even to this day. Even though the movies had scared the crap out of me, Callie wasn’t in the least bit scared. She had grown up around these kinds of movies, darn American. She was the only one that could sleep that night. All the while I kept hearing noises and saw shadows that didn’t belong. But when I did fall asleep, all I could dream was about was fire. I wasn’t in it, or watching it. I was the fire. There were screams, gun shots, and the sound of metal crashing. And all of the sudden, there was silence. Then, I saw him. His black, wavy hair and piercing blue eyes could kill you with a look. And he was tall, so tall. Leather covered him from the waist down. With his chest bare, the rest of the world looked bleak. That tan skin seemed to last forever, but his trousers hid any evidence. He reached out for me, with want in those icy blue eyes. Then, I’m awaked.
Last edited by youngwolf1105 on Wed Nov 23, 2011 3:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
We were made to corageous,
We're taking back the fight.
We were made to be corageous,
And it starts with us tonight.

And the only way we'll stand,
Is on our knees with lifted hands.
Make us corageous,
Lord make us corageous. - Casting Crowns
  





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26 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1216
Reviews: 26
Tue Nov 22, 2011 1:02 am
youngwolf1105 says...



It's in short stories cause I won't be posting anymore unless I have three people PM me to post more. I'm not being cocky or anything, I'm just not sure if i want the rest of it on here.
We were made to corageous,
We're taking back the fight.
We were made to be corageous,
And it starts with us tonight.

And the only way we'll stand,
Is on our knees with lifted hands.
Make us corageous,
Lord make us corageous. - Casting Crowns
  





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Points: 1764
Reviews: 84
Tue Nov 22, 2011 2:01 am
amygabb says...



Ok, firstly I want the rest! I don't have any idea where you're going with it but I like what I just read. It was engaging. Ok, I have some spelling and grammar nitpicks, so bare with me.

and that individual is I ----- It should be: and that individual is me.

In till the day they met again. ---Until

Neither had it hurt that he was madly in love with me. He probably still is, but I haven’t spoken to him in years. Ok, I wouldn't say 'spoken to' because you do speak to him later. Maybe reword it to "I haven't payed the slightest attention to him in years" or something like that.

The only thing I would say at his funeral is that the world was one less tennis player. Just wanted to say, this line is gold. I literally laughed out loud.

Then again, there was that one time that I had thrown a pair of panties and a bra on the floor to go take a shower, but when I had gotten back, they had mysteriously disappeared. Either there was a perverted ghost in the apartment, or a thieving animal. I never saw them again. It hadn’t happened since then, but I still felt like someone was watching me undress. I really enjoyed this part, too. I know that exact feeling.

The only thing that I wore for pajamas back then was a pair of satin booty-shorts, as the Americans would say, and a matching satin camisole. I feel like you should take out the "as the Americans would say". That was the only thing that bugged me about this story. You mention Americans like they are a different species. Trust me, I'm Canadian and we don't talk like that, so I doubt the Brits would either.

“Once again, my darling, we’ve watched it many of times at your own house. How about we watch some scary movies I’ve received from America?” A few weeks before this time of joy with Callie, my parents took me on a trip to see the Americas. There I bought bunches of scary movies that you couldn’t buy in London. Sure, we had plenty of scary movies, but none were as good as the ones you could find in America.
Another example, you mention America three times. Oh, and you could switch it up by saying the US once in a while.



I super loved the last paragraph, way to leave us on a cliff hanger!
One thing," Then, I’m awaked." should be "Then, I'm awaken."
I loved the description of the guy in her dream. Dreamy! Oh...duh!
Life is not about how you sing in the sun, it is about how you dance in the rain.
  





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Tue Nov 22, 2011 1:20 pm
SunshineandCarnage says...



Very lovely story, Wolfie
If looks could kill, you'd be turning blue as we speak

I may not agree with what you say, but I'll fight to the death your right to say it- Voltaire

Rainbow Dash: Cutesy? Wootsy? Have you even met me?
  





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Tue Nov 22, 2011 4:04 pm
greatman says...



nice stuff wolf liking this story. i think this had good dialogue to it and it really would get the reader interested.keep up the good work :)
  





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Wed Nov 23, 2011 2:22 am
Ranger Hawk says...



H'okay! Here as requested! :D

So first of all, I already like Callie. I don't usually warm to character that quickly, but the way she acts and all is quite endearing and I think I'll quite enjoy getting to know her more. I feel like Victoria is a little less defined; I didn't see any major quirks or anything to make her stand out as being special, and I'd like to know more about her and her personality. After all, this story is being narrated by her, so we should have a pretty good view of her workings and inner character. I'd suggest spending a little more time delving into her personality.

I'm not sure the prologue is necessary; oftentimes, it's just telling us something that could be incorporated in the actual story and thus keep things a little more natural without revealing too much. It's up to you, and it's mostly a personal decision, but I've also heard that editors don't care for prologues that much...just a thought to consider.

You'll want to keep an eye on your tenses; you shift from past to present throughout the story, which makes the flow awkward. Keep a watch for words like "is" and "says"; those are good indicators that you've slipped into the present tense. Another grammatical issue I noticed was your dialogue punctuation; generally, you use a comma at the end of dialogue and the "said" or whatever comes directly after isn't capitalized. Take a look at this post, which does a great job of explaining those tricky little rules.

Also, the part with the lightning was a bit...odd. There wasn't a lot of shock or panic, which is what I'd expect if a net caught on fire and such. You might want to make them all a little more frantic; think about you and your friends, if you saw that happen in real life. I doubt anyone would be as calm in real life if that happened as the characters in your story are.

Well, that's all I've got to say! Keep up the good work, and let me know if you've got any questions or whatnot.

Cheers!
~Hawk
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle
  





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Sun Dec 11, 2011 7:39 pm
lili024 says...



It is a great story! I want to keep on reading it. The only thing is that it is Robert Pattinson not Robert Patterson.Please keep writing it!

Lili
  





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Fri Dec 16, 2011 3:49 am
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NightWriter says...



Hey again!

This was good!

It hadn’t work. If only I had the power to be as cheerful as Lucas, I thought. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about all this.

Worked.

As I served the ball, it was struck by a random stroke of lightening as dark clouds rolled over us. Not only was the ball gone, vanquished by fire, but it had caught the net on fire as well. Callie pretended to faint, only to fall on her butt. I raised an eyebrow at her act. I slowly walked around the burning net over to her. Lucas came to my side, asking if I was okay, barely giving Callie a glance. I waved him off, not wanting his lack of care for her to upset her. I pick her up in my arms and she whispers.
“Lucas, is that you?” But instead of answering her, I threw her up in the air as high as I could and let her come back to my arms. She was “awake” then. She took one look at me and gave me a devilish glare.


Alright: I'm sorry, but one: random stroke of lightning? How often does that happen! But yeah, your story.
Two: Again, like in chapter 2, what is with the lack of emotion, the lack of surprise and to be frank, lack of reaction! I mean, there's a fire! they were almost hit by lightning!
Last thing. She threw her up in the air!? What; is this girl, like superman? haha. I've seen strong girls, yeah, but to pick their friends up, from the ground, without any help, and chuck them in the air...slightly impossible.
Other than those things, I'm liking it so far.
Now just get over yourself.

I feel like that's a bit mean. Don't change anything, I'm just saying :(

While I loved them too


With his chest bare, the rest of the world looked bleak. That tan skin seemed to last forever, but his trousers hid any evidence. He reached out for me, with want in those icy blue eyes. Then, I’m awaked I would say, woken.


his trousers hid any evidence

...Um...what?

Okay apart from that, I do like your story. As I have said before, I want to see more :)

Well done!

NightWriter x
raised by wolves // brought up on words.
  





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Sun Dec 18, 2011 2:59 am
Jagger says...



I love this novel. Are you almost finished? I've read up to the 8th chapter, I believe. You really should post more of it for these people, it is far to good to keep from them. But since I'm supposed to use complements and constructive critism on these reviews, I shall. My first problem I found was that you show a lack of emothio in some places. Like when the net caught on fire. I know that you said that Victoria hadn't given a damn, but you should at least put that on there. And when she threw Callie into the air, I thought this was very funny. I hadn't gotten it until I read past what you've posted on this site. I know that you've explained your reasons for some of the things you've wrote to me, but you really should tell the others. But then again, that is your own desicion. I will donate you points to help you post the next few chapters, but I'll be wanting review for when I post. Good luck!
May the Goddess protect you forever and longer
  





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Sun Dec 18, 2011 3:48 am
youngwolf1105 says...



THank you, but when did you read up to the 8the Chapter? It's all on my hard drive.... wait-----never mind. I now remeber that I let you read it the other night. And I'll try. I don't have that many points and I"m a lazt person.
We were made to corageous,
We're taking back the fight.
We were made to be corageous,
And it starts with us tonight.

And the only way we'll stand,
Is on our knees with lifted hands.
Make us corageous,
Lord make us corageous. - Casting Crowns
  








Defeat has its lessons as well as victory.
— Pat Buchanan