Young Writers Society

Saturday evening... The day is about to come...
"Honey..." said Robert. " Tomorrow is the day when the army of hell arrive...We will face the devil itself."
Catharina started to cry.
"We, men, will defend this village till our last drop of blood leaves our bodies...And you will have to do one thing. Follow me."
The couple leaves the room Robert takes Catharina in the basement of the castle. She has never been there before.
Suddenly Robert stops, takes a key out of his pocket and opens a dusty, old door that seemed not to be opened for decades.
"This is a secret door that nobody knows of. You will take the children and other women, leave this village and never come back."
"No!.. You don't have to do this... why cant we all just leave and let the demons burn this village? We will all survive... If you face the enemy with a few more villagers, you won't..."
She started to cry again:
"I can't live without you! I love you! And the baby needs you too!"
"Catharina..." says Robert, "there is one thing that i can not leave...Its called dignity!..I'd rather die than live, dishonoring my father, my grandfather, my family and God. "
They kiss...
The night passes quickly...
In the morning, Catharina tells the other women to take their children with them and go...And so they do.
Men are getting ready for the battle, despite knowing that the situation is helpless: Putting on their armor,
grinding their swords...
Catharina is crying...
Robert goes to her and says:
"Let me tell you one thing:
One day, we will all die. Life is a challenge...A big challenge where we have to try hard not to fail...And if we succeed, God will reward us. And if not..." He did not find it necessary to finish his words,
Catharina smiled. She understood her husband.
"Now, time for you to go!" Robert kisses his wife and baby. "Farewell", he says and they leave...
Catharina is already far from the village when she sees how the sky darkens...
The evil army comes from the hell itself...The sound of battle reaches Catharinas ears...
Robert and his friends fight, fight till the last drop pf blood leaves their bodies, as Robert had said before...
As they fight, they sing:

"As the sun set,
Day left us
All alone under
Blood red skies,
Fighting the devil
Under mans disguise,
Facing the demon
And its deadly strikes..."

Wow I really loved this. It was unquicly written in a way I hadn't seen before. I really liked it especially the song at the end. I loved how you seperated each line and how you set the mood as if it were happening now. It was almost like you were listing what was to happen and going to go back to write more later. I don't know whether that's what you were going for, but I certainly liked it. It was short and it had an ending, some short stories, and mine are included in this, somehow leave you hanging as if there could be a part two. I loved how this had an ending. The only mistake I found was this:

Robert and his friends fight, fight till the last drop pf blood leaves their bodies, as Robert had said before...

Just a little typo over all perfect! I loved it. 5 owls out of 5.

This is pretty good! There are a few grammar errors and a spot or two where the sentences could flow better. Aside from that its great! One thing you could do to make it better would be adding more descriptive words-you can never have too many of them! Anyway, great work!I really liked the ending!Hope to read more from you!

Thanks . Im so happy that you guys liked my story. I will try not to make any grammar mistakes in the future and I will try to put as many descriptive words as I can in my work. And I want you to know that English is not my native language and thats why I am not very good at grammar.

Hello! I'm Hawk, and I'm here to review.

All right, so first off I like the setting. Reminds me of Braveheart and 300 and those kinds of movies, which have a noble sense of futility and yet victory as well.

I definitely think your story could use more detail, especially regarding the characters. See, I get the fact that this man is sacrificing himself for love of his family and his dignity, but I don't really care about him too much, and it doesn't bother me that he ends up dying. I never got to really know his character and grow attached, which is something you want to do. You want your characters to mean as much to the reader as they do to you; you want the readers to cheer on the hero and exult when he wins and cry when he's beaten. This can be accomplished by giving the reader a really good picture into the hero's life and personality. You never urged on a stranger as much as a friend at a game, right? The same thought process is applied here. How can we root for a man we don't know much about? Your story's ending will have a much stronger impact if we are so attached to him that we want him to overcome the odds and somehow survive and live happily ever after, and to mourn the fact that he doesn't.

Another critique I have is grammatically-based; you tend to switch tenses throughout your story, which makes it confusing. Decide which tense (past or present) you want your story to be told in, and stick to it. Keep an eye out for the verbs like "is" and "says" versus "was" and "said." This'll make your story flow a lot more easily, and make it sound better.

I also found your use of ellipses (...) a little bit of an overload in some cases. For example, in this paragraph:

"No!.. You don't have to do this... why cant we all just leave and let the demons burn this village? We will all survive... If you face the enemy with a few more villagers, you won't..."

You don't need all those ellipses; it just gives the flow a slowed, discontinuous pace that takes away from the urgency and distraught emotions that the words are indicating. When people see ellipses, the natural reaction is to read the story in a slow and more hesitant manner, which I doubt is the tone you're hoping to set with this story.

grinding their swords...

This is awkwardly worded; I'd change it to "sharpening their swords."

Well, that's all I've got to say. I think you've got a good idea here, and I'm very impressed that you've done such a good job writing in a second language! Please let me know if you've got any questions about what I've said.

Cheers!
~Hawk

You are right. I will try to improve it.