Young Writers Society

A long time ago, the stars and the moon lived together in a huge cave. Every morning they walked across a gorgeous green field to the suns cave, as the sun gave them gifts if they did things that amused her. When they eventually got there, the sun greeted them politely.

She spoke to them for a minute, and then announced “Make me laugh.”
The stars tried their usual jokes but they did not work. The moon tried its usual flying impressions but that did not work either. While they were walking to their cave, the moon suddenly said,
“I know what we can do to make her laugh”.
“What?” asked the stars.
“We'll fly up into the atosphere!", said the moon.

As soon as they were in their cave, they set to work on a massive invention that made them fly so high.
The next day they carried the invention to the sun’s cave. They knocked on the door and said,
“We are going to fly into the atmosphere."
“Ha Ha", said the sun and she gave them a gift.
Then the stars replied “We are!”
The sun replied, “I’ll believe it when I see it".
“Ok”, said the moon very offended.

Before the sun knew it, the moon and the stars were in the atmosphere! After a minute or two they cried “We’re stuck.”
The sun felt awful- it was her fault after all, so she jumped up. But in the end they were all stuck. So that’s how the stars, moon and sun got into the sky!
(I wrote this a few years ago- I copied and pasted, but soon I'll post up to date stories)

Please Review! And I have copyright- so don't steal without permission of the author first!

OK, so, I'll review! I'll start with grammar mistakes.
*to the sun's cave.
*said the moon, very offended.
*and after a minute or two
Also, you need to put a lot more paragraphs in, as it's a new paragraph for each different speaker. That's why you don't need a period or a comma after speech. For instance, ''I'll believe it when I see it". It should be "I'll believe it when I see it." And then another paragraph.

So the overall idea is very good, it's structured well and it works. Although, I don't really like the idea of the trampoline, because it's a very modern invention, and yet the sun, moon and stars live in a cave. I think it needs to be a little longer, too. It needs more description in some places, because as it stands, it reads a little flat. It feels one noted. You have a bit too many 'so's and 'then's.

Apart from that, it was very good. I look forward to seeing your other stories!
-Anna

Thanks-
I was aware of my grammar mistakes (I got my little sister to write it from my book into the computer and then I copied and pasted). It is definately not my best and I know that but I wrote it when I was nine! I will post another one that is a bit more updated.

The word "Space" is modern too. You should change that.

There's something tragically simple about this, so simple that something makes me love this very much. Which is weird. It's basic but there's something great about that. You maintain the story, you give it [the story as a whole] a sort of character itself. There are a few words and places that I would correct, but I think there's something natural about this story. Sometimes the best stories are just written, not processed.

As your writing grows, I want you to expand your stories, and by doing that you just need to read more, keep writing and write everything. Don't be afraid of an idea or about writing it all down however you want. Just throw it together. Happy writing

Thanks-
Your very encouraghing, you understood what I was aiming for. Simple but very meaningful.