Young Writers Society

This is a story I wrote for my language arts class, we read the novel "The Giver " in class. I thought it was a great book. Then my teacher challenged each of us to end the story with a 24th Chapter. This is what I wrote, I hope you enjoy!!!Please only read this if you've read the Giver, it will make little sense...


Archangel


Jonas could still feel the faint warmth from Gabe as they both sped down the hill. The echo of the music and the lights he could see in the distance became somehow louder and brighter. Jonas could almost hear the words that seemed to flow from the same elsewhere that he had imagined the river might flow to. The sled began to slow as they reached the bottom of the hill.
As the sled creped to a stop, a wave of joy again enveloped Jonas as he rose from the now still sled. His legs felt as if they were made of jello. Yet he soldered on because he knew that if he were to stop, he and Gabe would certainly die.
The music was blaring now, almost louder than Jonas could bear. The lights seemed to emit warmth. Then it just stopped, abruptly there was no more sound or light. The sound of the winter wind overtaking it.
“Jonas…” he heard, a faint whisper accompanied the blistery, snowy air.
Gabe stirred in his arms; he could hear it as well.
“Jonas…” the voice seemed to call out to him, urging him forward through the cold, barring storm.
“Jonas!” the voice called louder.
“JONAS!!!” exclaimed the voice filled with pain and sorrow.
Jonas’ minded wandered to the sound, and then the realization came to him. He became enlightened.
“The Ceremony of Loss Gabe,” he said in a hoarse whisper.
“They are conducting the Ceremony of Loss…” Jonas blacked out, welcoming the silence that it brought.
. . .
When Jonas awoke, he found he was lying down on a bed. The sheets of satin caressed his skin in a pleasant way; he turned his head to the right. He was a plainly ornate wooden door. Inlaid in the wood were carvings that didn’t resemble anything in particular, but conveyed a message of truth and happiness.
Jonas turned his head to the left; his gave feel upon a crib. The crib was a wooden construct that much resembled the door to his right. Inside the crib lay a content, exhausted Gabe. Jonas could hear his silent breathing as he slept.
Jonas got up from the bed; his legs were not as weak as they had been before. But there was a soreness there that he could just barely perceive. He walked over to the door, placing a hand on the knob appeared to be made of gold. It was warm to the touch, Jonas felt as if he could feel an invisible heartbeat. Though he knew such a thing was very improbable. He turned the knob, the door swung open to reveal another room. This room was much larger with ornate wooded furniture matching the ones in the room Jonas had just been in. Books in shelves also inhabited some of the walls. Jonas struggled to take in all of the raw beauty that simply radiated from the many paintings and sculptures that decorated the vast hall. Jonas walked solemnly along the red satin carpet; admiring tentatively the different works of art.

One painting he remembered from his time with the Giver; a portrait of a young female with luscious hair that fell beautifully onto her torso. A faint sort of smile adorned her face, adding to her beauty. Behind the female a whirling landscape of rivers and fields that seemed to go on forever.
Another painting shown the scene of the night sky with shining stars that swirled and bended into intricate ribbons and patterns that made Jonas smile.
Jonas was still admiring the artwork when he heard a voice from behind him,
“Welcome Jonas…” it said
Jonas turned toward the direction of the voice to see where it had come from. In the center of the hall was a man. He was dressed in a white tunic and trousers that seemed to glow; sprouting from his back were two large, bird-like wings with luminous white feathers.
His face was pale and stricken of emotion. His jet-black hair moved as if it was blown by the wind, but Jonas only felt the warmth that seemed to radiate from his body. The air around him was heavy and his presence appeared to be old and powerful. Jonas perceived the word angel.
“I’ve been waiting for you…"he said, his voice was deep and sorrowful, much like that of the Givers. Jonas walked toward the angel, staring into his deep, pale, haunting eyes.
“What is your name?” Jonas managed to say. The angel cleared his throat. Then said,
“My name Aurus. The Angel of Death.”Fear crept through Jonas.
“Am I dead?” he asked, choking down a sob.
The angel only chuckled.
“No, Jonas, you are not dead. At least not yet.” he chuckled again, his laugh was eerie and coarse. It tugged at the very chains of Jonas’ soul.
“What is this place?” Jonas asked, his voice was small and insignificant.
Aurus stood from his throne and strode around Jonas in a continuous circle.
“This is The Hall Jonas, the Hall of Decisions…” he finally said.
Jonas paused, then said
“Where are we? I mean, apart from being in The Hall.”
Aurus walked up to Jonas, he put his hands on his shoulders. Jonas looked into his still haunting eyes; he could see images from his memory flashing by.
“Elsewhere…” he whispered
Aurus led Jonas to a pedestal, it was made of the same ornately carved wood, atop the pedestal was a book bound in black leather.
The pages radiated a story over ages of humans, back and back and back Jonas could feel the story. Such tiny words printed of pages of shining silver.
Jonas looked down from the pedestal into a small pool of water about 3 feet in diameter. The surface was reflective like a mirror; Jonas could clearly see his reflection. He noticed too that he was wearing the same white garments that Aurus wore. He emitted the same glow as well.
Aurus waved his hand over the pool. The image changed to that of a city. Towering buildings made of precious metals. The sky a bright blazing blue and a river much like the one in his own community. But there was something different about this river; it didn’t go on forever like his river, but ended abruptly and fed into a pool at the foot of a building; a massive cathedral of some sort. It was decorated with statues of winged angels saving mortals from torment. The picture changed once more, he saw the faces of the Giver, and his daughter the lovely Rosemary. It showed Jonas’ friends and family.
He felt an ache in his heart; he did miss his friends and family. He knew they must be suffering, but with the help of the Giver; they would find the same Elsewhere Jonas had finally found. Gone now was the feeling of loss, replaces with the feeling of love. Because Jonas could feel love, not that his family and friends knew the true meaning of it. Joy still filled Jonas’ heart.
“This paradise of paradises can be yours Jonas…” Aurus muttered. There was something in his voice Jonas just couldn’t get at.
Aurus waved his hand over the pool again, the image dissolved back into that of a mirrored surface.
“But first a choice…” Aurus said, a smirk found its way to his face.
“I don’t understand,” Jonas stuttered. “What kind of decision?” he inquired.
Aurus’ face was now a mask of empathy and pain.
“Only one of you can stay,” he said “The other must die…”
Jonas gasped, how could he make such a decision? Aurus left the room for a moment, returning with a still sleeping Gabe in his arms.
His face was so content and innocent, so at peace. Jonas could even think of letting the new child die. He hadn’t had time to live a full life yet. He could bare to think he could rid him of that privilege.
But Jonas wanted this, he needed this. He had given up so much to be here. He’d given up the Giver, his family and friends!
“Jonas, I need you to make a decision now.” Aurus said harshly; still cradling the new child in his arms.
Jonas stood in that spot for what seemed like hours, just staring at Gabe as he slept warmly in the arms of the Archangel. Anger and sorrow welled up in Jonas. He wept. Aurus did nothing to comfort him. He simply wept in The Hall of Decisions.
“Crying will do nothing to soften the pain Jonas,” Aurus jeered
“These sort of decisions are the ones that give us wisdom…”
Jonas stood in the same spot for what seemed liked more that a millennia, trying to sum up the courage to make this decision. These sort of decisions are the ones that give us wisdom, the angel had told him. A long time ago, Jonas had learned he must bear the punishment of pain in order to gain wisdom. He remembered the components that he needed to be the Receiver of Memory.
“Fine! I have made my decision.” he said, he walked over to the other side of the pedestal to meet Aurus. He stared into his blank, haunting eyes for one last time.
He leaned over and kissed Gabe on the forehead; then he turned
“Good Bye Gabe…” he whispered as he waded into the pool.
Jonas felt a feeling of release as his vision went dark.
It was a pity it took him so long the understand the word

I had to write a 24th chapter when I was in middle school too! How neat Anyway, I shall begin critiquing your story...now!


Jonas could still feel the faint warmth from Gabe as they both sped down the hill. The echo of the music and the lights he could see in the distance became somehow louder and brighter. Jonas could almost hear the words that seemed to flow from the same elsewhere that he had imagined the river might flow to. This is kind of awkward..might want to reword it to make it flow a little easier. (Hehe flow...pun..okay I'm done) The sled began to slow as they reached the bottom of the hill.

As the sled creped to a stop, a wave of joy again again?enveloped Jonas as he rose from the now still sledWe already know it's a still sled..no need to restate it here.. His legs felt as if they were made of jello. Yet he solderedWrong word? on because he knew that if hethey were to stop, he and Gabe would certainly die.

The music was blaring now, almost louder than Jonas could bear. The lights seemed to emit warmth. Then it just aburptly stopped. There was no more sound or light. The sound of the winter wind dominated (overtaking is the wrong verb tense..and "overtaking it" was awkward.).

“Jonas…” he heard, a faint whisper accompanied the blistery, snowy air.

Gabe stirred in his arms; he could hear it as well.

“Jonas…” the voice seemed to call out to him, urging him forward through the cold, barring storm.

“Jonas!” the voice called louder.

“JONAS!!!” exclaimed the voice filled with pain and sorrow.

Jonas’ minded wandered to the sound, and then the realization came to him. He became enlightened.

“The Ceremony of Loss Gabe,” he said in a hoarse whisper.

“They are conducting the Ceremony of Loss…” Jonas blacked out, welcoming the silence that it broughtThis is awkward..

. . .

When Jonas awoke, he found he was lying down on a bed. The sheets of satin caressed his skin in a pleasant way; he turned his head to the right. He was a plainly ornate wooden door. Inlaid in the wood were carvings that didn’t resemble anything in particular, but conveyed a message of truth and happiness. This is pretty abstract...what exactly does this message of "truth and happiness" look like? Describe it.

Jonas turned his head to the left; his gave feel upon a cribWhat?. The crib was a wooden construct that much resembled the door to his right How does a crib resemble a door?. Inside the crib lay a content, exhausted Gabe. Jonas could hear his silent breathing as he slept.

Jonas got up from the bed; his legs were not as weak as they had been before. But there was a soreness there that he could just barely perceive. He walked over to the door, placing a hand on the knob that appeared to be made of gold. It was warm to the touch, Jonas felt the pulse of an invisible heartbeat. Though he knew such a thing was very improbable. He turned the knob, the door swung open to reveal another room. This room was much larger with ornate wooded furniture matching the ones in the room Jonas had just been in. Wordy, try to make this sentence more concise. Books in shelves also inhabited some of the walls. Jonas struggled to take in all of the raw beauty that simply radiated from the many paintings and sculptures that decorated the vast hall. Jonas walked solemnly along the red satin carpet, admiring tentatively the different works of art.

He remembered a painting from his time with the Giver; a portrait of a young female with luscious hair that fell beautifully onto her torso. A faint sort of smile adorned her face, adding to her beauty. Behind the female a whirling landscape of rivers and fields that seemed to go on forever.

Another painting shown the scene of the night sky with shining stars that swirled and bended into intricate ribbons and patterns that made Jonas smile.

Jonas was still admiring the artwork when he heard a voice from behind him,

“Welcome Jonas…” it said

Jonas turned toward the direction of the voice to see where it had come from. In the center of the hall was a man. He was dressed in a white tunic and trousers that seemed to glow; sprouting from his back were two large, bird-like wings with luminous white feathers.

His face was pale and stricken of emotion. His jet-black hair moved as if it was blown by the wind, but Jonas only felt the warmth that seemed to radiate from his body. The air around him was heavy and his presence appeared to be old and powerful. Jonas perceived wrong word? Assumed it was a word angel? the word angel.

“I’ve been waiting for you…" (space)he said, his voice was deep and sorrowful, much like that of the Giver's. Jonas walked toward the angel, staring into his deep, pale, haunting eyes.

“What is your name?” Jonas managed to say.

Move this to next line.The angel cleared his throat. Then said, “My name Aurus. The Angel of Death.”Fear crept through Jonas.

“Am I dead?” he asked, choking down a sob.

The angel only chuckled.

“No, Jonas, you are not dead. At least not yet,” he chuckled again, his laugh was eerie and coarse. It tugged at the very chains of Jonas’ soul.

“What is this place?” Jonas asked, his voice was small and insignificant.

Aurus stood from his throne and strode around Jonas in a continuous circle.

“This is The Hall Jonas, the Hall of Decisions…” he finally said.

Jonas paused,join two lines together then said“Where are we? I mean, apart from being in The Hall.”

Aurus walked up to Jonas, he put his hands on his shoulders. Jonas looked into his still haunting eyes; he could see images from his memory flashing by.

“Elsewhere…” he whispered

Aurus led Jonas to a pedestal, it was made of the same ornately carved wood, atop the pedestal was a book bound in black leather. Join two paragraphs together. The pages radiated a story over ages of humans, back and back and back Jonas could feel the story. Such tiny words printed of pages of shining silver.

Jonas looked down from the pedestal into a small pool of water about three feet in diameter. The surface was reflective like a mirror; Jonas could clearly see his reflection. He noticed too that he was wearing the same white garments as Aurus. He emitted the same glow as well.

Aurus waved his hand over the pool. The image changed to that of a city. Towering buildings made of precious metals. The sky a bright blazing blue and a river much like the one in his own community. But there was something different about this river; it didn’t go on forever like his river, but ended abruptly and fed into a pool at the foot of a building; a massive cathedral of some sort. It was decorated with statues of winged angels saving mortals from torment. The picture changed once more: he saw the faces of the Giverno comma and his daughter the lovely Rosemary. It showed Jonas’ friends and family.I like this paragraph!

He felt an ache in his heart; he did miss his friends and family. He knew they must be suffering, but with the help of the Giver; they would find the same Elsewhere Jonas had finally found.This sentence is way too long. Break it up to use less semi colons and commas. Makes it more interesting. Gone now was the feeling of loss, replaced with the feeling of love. Because Jonas could feel love, not that his family and friends knew the true meaning of it.Fragment. Joy still filled Jonas’ heart.

“This paradise of paradises can be yours Jonas…” Aurus muttered. There was something in his voice Jonas just couldn’t get at.

Aurus waved his hand over the pool again, the image dissolved back into that of a mirrored surface.

“But first a choice…” Aurus said, a smirk found its way to his face.

“I don’t understand,” Jonas stuttered. “What kind of decision?” he inquired.

Aurus’ face was now a mask of empathy and pain. Why would he feel bad if he was previously smirking about the decision?

“Only one of you can stay,” he said “The other must die…”

Jonas gasped. How could he make such a decision? Aurus left the room for a moment, returning with a still sleeping Gabe in his arms.

His face was so content and innocent, so at peace. Jonas could even think of letting the new child die. He hadn’t had time to live a full life yet. He could bare to think he could rid Gabe of that privilege.

But Jonas wanted this, he needed this. He had given up so much to be here. He’d given up the Giver, his family and friends!

“Jonas, I need you to make a decision now.” Aurus said harshly, still cradling the new child in his arms.

Jonas stood in that spot for what seemed like hours, just staring at Gabe as he slept warmly in the arms of the Archangel. Anger and sorrow welled up in Jonas. He wept. Aurus did nothing to comfort him. He simply wept in The Hall of Decisions.

“Crying will do nothing to soften the pain Jonas,” Aurus jeered. (then connect the lines) “These sort of decisions are the ones that give us wisdom…”

Jonas stood in the same spot for what seemed liked more that a millennia, trying to sum up the courage to make this decision. These sort of decisions are the ones that give us wisdom, the angel had told him. A long time ago, Jonas had learned he must bear the punishment of pain in order to gain wisdom. He remembered the components that he needed to be the Receiver of Memory.

“Fine! I have made my decision.” he said, he walked over to the other side of the pedestal to meet Aurus. He stared into his blank, haunting eyes for one last time.

He leaned over and kissed Gabe on the forehead and then turned away.

“Good-bye Gabe…” he whispered as he waded into the pool.

Jonas felt a feeling of release as his vision went dark.

It was a pity it took him so long the understand the word. What word??

Overall I enjoyed your ending to the novel One thing I think you should work on is action attribution instead of saying "he said" "he inquired"...when someone talks or asks a question, it's obvious. Instead fill those phrases with action or images to make it more interesting. Also, I think you really like semi colons...because you use them quite often. Instead just break up your sentences (like I mentioned before) into shorter sentences, or compound sentences with commas. Semi colons can be awkward...

Otherwise I liked it! I like your character you made up at the end. I understand Jonas chose to die but I don't quite understand the last phrase. What word are you talking about?

Anyway, good job! If you have any questions, feel free to message me

Keep writing!
<3 Sara.

Well, Aurus was smirking because he thouggt it was funny he didn't know. He was sad when he finally figured out, and he felt the pain.
Abd he fiballu understood the meaning of the word RELEASE...

Define awkward...

I just wanted to say that I won an award for this story, I'm So HAPPY!!!

Congrats!