“I don’t need you. . .”
I couldn’t get Chess’s angry voice out of my head. Even with the distraction of my hardcore cleaning it was all I could focus on and I was having a hard time keeping myself pulled together.
Taking a shallow breath, so as not to inhale too much of the dirt particles filling the air, I got up stiffly from the kneeling position I’d been in, mopping the floor, and took in the small space that would be serving as Pixie’s and my bedroom for the time being. It wasn’t much, just an empty room, but it was loads cleaner than it had been originally, I noted smugly.
In the beginning, about two and a half hours ago, we’d all broken into groups. Josh had dug some cleaning supplies out of his van, I know I was surprised too, and then he and Chess had taken off for town. I’d tried to talk to Chess before they left but he’d completely avoided me. I still couldn’t understand what I’d done wrong, if all it had been was worry then he was just being stupid.
While that ship had been departing, Who and Lion took to cleaning the bigger of the two rooms. Pixie and I joined them shortly and following suit went to clean the adjoining room. It was soon evident though that I would be on my own, as Pixie couldn’t stop her incessant sneezing, and I’d told her to go get some fresh air for a while.
She’d gratefully complied and I was relieved when she left. At least I could hear myself think. Now after the two hours I’d been cleaning I wasn’t so sure that was a good thing, considering that the only thing I’d thought about was Chess and his hurtful departure.
I felt like an empty husk, hollow inside. I tried to push away the crazy jumble of thoughts and emotions tangled up inside me, but failed miserably. Chess had hurt me, something I’d never thought possible and my mind wouldn’t let things be until I’d figured out why, and set things right, if that was even a reality.
Hearing the sound of the rusted soda can approaching, I grimaced. Great. They were back and after two plus hours of racking my brain I’d come up with nothing on how I should deal with Chess.
Going over to the window I watched as the van appeared over the rise and came to a stop at the bottom near the church. Why Josh hadn’t done this the first time around, was beyond me. Probably just wanted the dramatic element of surprise to win us all over, I thought sourly. Too bad for him it only worked on Chess.
The two front doors opened more or less simultaneously and to my astonishment Chess got out from the drivers side. What the heck had he been driving for? He could’ve been killed!
Fury filled me. How dare Josh put any of us and especially Chess, the one who trusted him, into a dangerous situation.
Flying out of the room, my anger fueling the madness I entered the chapel seconds before the boys, packing camping supplies into the church, did. I froze when I saw them, my eyes meeting Chess’s blank expression. The rage I felt evaporated instantaneously, as the pain and fear I’d tried so hard to push away engulfed me.
Time seemed to freeze in that moment, our eyes locked.
“I don’t need you to look after me, so just leave me alone!”
If I chewed Josh out for letting Chess drive, I would be interfering with his life again. I’d earlier thought disgustedly how Josh didn’t need Chess to stand up for him, but I guess I should’ve realized that Chess didn’t need me either. I was only a nuisance that he had finally tired of putting up with, someone he no longer felt like dealing with.
I could feel the tears trying to break free, but I wasn’t about to let Chess see me cry. I broke away from his emotionless gaze and needing a quick retreat took off through the doorway to the bell tower.
I slammed the thick door behind me and bolted it just in time, as the tears finally brimmed over and ran down my face. Pressing my back to the door, I slide to the dirty floor, face in hands.
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t talk to one of the only people in the universe I cared about. Did I even have the right to call him my friend anymore? What had I done to deserve this?
Stop it, I told myself bitterly. I was acting like an idiot and I needed to pull myself together. But I couldn’t. Now that I’d uncorked the tears they wouldn’t stop, and truth be told, I didn’t put much effort in trying to stop them either. What was the point? After we’d crashed the only thing I had to live for or care about was my family, without them I had nothing. Today Chess had showed me how he felt, how long would it take before I pushed someone else I loved too far and they revealed their true feelings? What if they all felt the same way as Chess, what would I do then? I knew the answer, it was as plain as the dirt on my hands. I would cease to exist.
I scrubbed at the tears angrily, doing nothing to stop them, only succeeding in rubbing grit into the mixture. I was so stupid. I’d always laughed at the girls in stories I read and how they would so easily fall to pieces when a guy left them. I hadn’t even admitted I had any significant feelings for the guy in question and I was a freakin train wreck.
I didn’t get it. I tried so hard to be strong, and not once in my life had the trying actually paid off and I manage to pull of the real thing. I was weak. It hurt to admit it but looking back, if there wasn’t someone else there to save me during the trials of life, I just broke to pieces until once again someone was able to put me together again. Someone, someone, I was always dependent on someone. Lion, Pixie, Who and Chess, they were my someone’s, my heroes, my family.
Would there ever be a time I could stand on my own and take what ever came at me head on and emerge victorious? I sighed shakily in defeat, I doubted it. Time wasn’t something I had, not anymore and until I could stand alone I was just going to have to be a burden. But I didn’t want to be.
Finally the tears slowed and a couple of minutes and a soaked hem later, my face was once more dry, if not in any way cleaner. Wobbling to my feet, I took a couple of deep breaths through my mouth. I felt like crud, my bawling had done nothing for me. I now had a migraine, a clogged nose, and probably looked like something out of a horror movie.
That’s what you get for being a pathetic wimp, I mentally chided, disgusted with myself. I needed to move. I knew I’d improve my condition if I did, but I was reluctant to be around anyone right now. So stacking up my oh so many choices, I decided to investigate the bell tower.
I have to admit, when Josh mentioned the bell tower, before my emotional break down, of course, I’d been rather intrigued and excited. I’d rather lost my enthusiasm since then, but at least it was something to do and it might for a little while at least be able to deter my ensnared thoughts.
Using what little light was in the room and my hands to feel where I was going, I made my way to the staircase and headed up into the dirt, the cobwebs, and the unknown.
*
“Key open the door!”
I pointedly ignored the muffled shout, coming from somewhere south of my location. I’d been gone for who-knew how long and this was the first I’d heard from anybody, so they could just wait until I was good and ready to come down. Which wasn’t going to be anytime soon, might I add. I was quite comfortable to stay alone in my dirty little quarters where I wasn’t bugging anyone or in anyone’s way. The way it should be.
I don’t know how long I’d been up there, I’d lost track of time, and once or twice I think I drifted off, all I knew was that it was getting late and sun would soon set. Not that it mattered, I wasn’t going anywhere. I liked it up here.
It wasn’t much, the bell tower that is. Just a small dirty space filled with an assortment of cobwebs, leaves and other filth. The floor was littered with wood particles as the roof was obviously rotting and the bell had long since been removed, probably the same time everything else had. The walls though that was a different matter. There weren’t actually any walls and I think that’s what I like most about the place. I wasn’t boxed in or trapped, I could see in every direction and, before the sun set, quite far out over the massive woods, that surrounded our solitary hold.
More then once I’d wondered why someone would build a church out here in literally the middle of nowhere. I mean it was peaceful and everything but not practical. It was pretty much it’s destiny to not be very successful and it wasn’t a wonder the place had gone under. Just more proof of how wasteful the inhabitants of this planet were.
This planet. I wondered what had happened to my planet. My home. Wistfully I peaked out at the sky, nope, the stars still hadn’t come out yet. I sighed and leaned back against the edge of the ‘window frame’ where I was sitting. Since there weren’t walls the tower just had four foot high parapets from the floor up and the rest of the space to the ceiling was open to the elements.
That’s where I had taken refuge, the northernmost sill. It was a little precarious being perched up there like a bird and the fall would have been treacherous, but it was thrilling. Just sitting there on the edge of the world the wind blowing through my hair and clothes. It was nice and it had really helped me just relax and for a while I was able to pretend to forget about my problems.
At least until a messy, green haired alien somehow made it’s through the defenses and invaded my privacy, forcing me to face reality once more.
I stayed silent, watching Chess cross the small space and lean nonchalantly against the wall facing me. His eyes searched for mine and I dropped my gaze, the now familiar sensation of anger stirring inside me.
I pushed it down, there wasn’t anything to be angry about. I wasn’t going to get mad and I wouldn’t cry. At least that’s what I told myself, but I guess I was going to see how well I could follow through on that commitment momentarily.
“Key.” Chess said quietly. I was more then a little relieved to hear no hostility or hate filling his voice and I relaxed slightly.
“I forgive you.” I blurted out hurriedly, still not making eye contact. I’d been thinking for a while, it wasn’t Chess’s fault that I was a weak, self centered, wimp and I couldn’t blame him for being upset with me. The only fault here was mine.
“Key, please don’t be like that.” Chess pleaded, I could here the remorse in his voice. The anger flared up again and I only pushed it slightly down this time.
“How am I supposed to be then? You tell me since I don’t seem to know how to,” I growled, barley suppressing the anger.
“You’re forgiven, so you can leave.”
“Key!” I practically jumped out of my skin, as in one swift movement Chess crossed the small space between us and carefully but forcefully grabbed my chin, turning me to look at him.
My heart flew to my throat and started pounding inside me like crazy. Chess was close, really close. All I could see were his amethyst eyes, as they bore into mine a labyrinth of different emotions.
“Key, I don’t want your forgiveness. I only ask that you listen to me.” His voice was barley above a whisper, and I shivered as his breath touched my skin. I nodded slightly, hardly daring to move.
“What I did earlier, what I said, I’m sorry. I swear to you that I didn’t mean any of it and I wish more than anything that I could take back everything. I was horrible to you, and I don’t expect your true forgiveness, I just don’t want you to think less of yourself because of me.”
I nodded again, but this time I smiled faintly. It was if he had taken a huge weight off of my chest and I could breathe again. He didn’t hate me.
Chess returned the gesture in obvious relief and finally let go of me, taking a step back.
The anger that had been building up in me dissipated but was immediately replaced by a gnawing fear. If Chess didn’t hate me then his rage at me had stemmed from somewhere, but where?
“Please don’t get mad at me for asking, but what really was wrong?” I asked abruptly. I couldn’t forget how Chess had acted before he’d attacked me, he’d been hurting.
Indecision filled his eyes, and my fear grew. He was hiding something. But what? I desperately needed him to tell me what was going on, but I didn’t push him, I’d seen how well that went over last time and I definitely did not want a relapse.
Finally he sighed and looked away.
“I don’t know.”
The confusion contained in those two words seemed to deflate him and I watched as the fear he was obviously trying so hard to hide, played across his face. My stomach twisted as my emotions mirrored his.
I wanted more than anything to help him, Chess was rarely ever frightened, so what was scaring him now?
Slipping off of the parapet, I approached him cautiously. I had no clue who I was dealing with right now, this scared vulnerable state was a side of Chess I’d never seen before. Coming to a stop in front of him, his worried eyes searched mine.
Steeling myself for rejection, I closed the gap between us and, before I had a chance to change my mind, reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck.
I felt Chess stiffen against me in surprise and knew he was going to pull away. I guess it had been the wrong thing to do after all, I thought dejectedly. Then to my surprise, he did the exact opposite.
Relaxing, he gently at first and then almost desperately returned my embrace. My heart pounded so hard in my chest I knew he could feel it, but that was ok because I could feel his heart match mine perfectly.
I don’t know how long we stayed like that, just that I wished it would never end.
Standing there, together at the top of the world, everything else, the worry, fear, pain, unknown, disappeared. But like all good things must, that moment came to an end.
“Thank you, Key.” Chess murmured against my hair and I relaxed my hold on him, looking up to meet his eyes. The fear was gone. Relief washed over me and I smiled. Chess smiled back and released me, but didn’t move away. We were mere centimeters apart and I shivered at the intensity in Chess gaze as he watched me. I couldn’t tell what was going through his mind, but I longed to know.
In the next second, time seemed to slow as he leaned towards me and I closed my eyes.
“Key!”
I started, hitting my head against Chess’s as a loud voice broke the silence.
“Chess! Are you guys up here?”
“Yeah, we’re up here.” Chess called out as he rubbed his forehead, and smiled at me ruefully.
“Sorry,” I muttered, taking a couple steps away from him as the sound of loud footfalls ascended the stairs.
“Don’t be,” he scolded lightly, seeming to be somewhat back to his old self.
“And Key,” he met my eyes. “Don’t worry about what I said earlier, I’ll be fine. Just trust me ok?”
I nodded. What choice did I have?
“Thanks, and please don’t say anything to Lion. When he worries it’s almost worse than you.”
I scowled, but Chess just laughed at me.
“Geez guys, I’ve been looking all over for you.”
I turned around to find Josh huffing from his climb at the top of the stairs. I sighed in defeat, man this guy was like a pesky fly that just wouldn’t go away. Note to self; get a fly swatter, a really big fly swatter.
Lion appeared momentarily behind him, not looking too thrilled with Josh’s inefficient pace.
“Is something wrong?” Chess asked from behind me, as he came to stand next to me.
“No, I just worried when you two disappeared. I thought you might be out killing each other somewhere in the woods.” Lion informed us, eying me skeptically.
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Chief,” I muttered humorously, but I knew he wasn’t joking. Back home if we’d had quarrels, more often than not they’d resulted in a fight. And not the kind where we just scream at each other. We’re talking about a full out brawl, with broken bones and bloody knuckle’s, not that that wasn’t the only thing that got bloody but you get the idea. We are trained fighters, and pitting that much skill head to head in combat, well lets just say it’s a good thing we heal fast. And that as we’d gotten older we’d thankfully matured enough to pretty much outgrow our blood-lust, and had become civilized enough to try and talk things out.
“Well judging by the lack of blood, I assume you two kissed and made up?” Josh asked, jarring me back to the present in alarm, and I stiffened as his words grazed the could’ve been truth. He didn’t know did he? Taking in Josh’s relaxed carefree posture, I doubted it. He was just being his usual, stupid, witty self.
Relief filled me, and I adopted a bored attitude, shrugging nonchalantly to answer his question.
“Yeah, Key let me off the hook.” Chess offered, giving me a sidelong glance. I looked at him and nodded.
“Really?” Lion asked, evident surprise in his voice. I felt a little hurt by his attitude, I wasn’t that much of a jerk. Meeting his gaze, I found him surveying me like a test subject. What was his problem?
“Yes, really,” I growled, more than a little irritated with Lion.
“Any who, now that we’ve established that nobody died and we’re all friends again, lets get down to business,” Josh piped up, dispelling the ominous mood that had been building, as he rubbed his hands together in anticipation. For what I wasn’t sure, but I wasn’t interested in doing any ‘business’ right now, and so veered off subject.
“Speaking of Who, where did he and Pixie wander off too?”
Josh shrugged.
“They crashed on a couple of the cots downstairs.” Lion replied, warily making his way around Josh to stand in the center of the room.
“So what do you mean by business?” Chess asked curiously, bring us back to the topic on hand. Thanks Chess, not.
“Well, we were going to pull the roof down.” Josh said dramatically pointing upward.
I stared at him blankly. They were gonna what?
“Why?” Chess asked, obviously as confused as I was.
“Well, Lion mentioned something about Key always complaining about not being able to see the stars in the city, so I thought it would be neat to tear the roof down up here and set some chairs up. It would be a great view.”
I glared at Lion, why had he happened to ‘mention’ anything about me?
“Sounds great,” Chess agreed.
“Cool, let’s get started,” Josh said enthusiastically. Wow, did this guy ever run out of steam? Huh, oh well I guess it wasn’t that bad of an idea, not mentioning that if I wanted to see the stars I could just walk outside. At least it was something to do.
“I’ll help,” I muttered.
Josh looked up at this and smiled. “Great.” I sure hope he wasn’t getting the wrong idea or anything.
I sighed, I guess only time would tell. Grabbing one of the hammers that Josh had brought with him, I twirled it experimentally in my hand and enjoying the weighted feel of it, got to work.
*
“It’s beautiful,” I murmured in quiet appreciation. I felt a strange sense of calmness filling me, as I stood there staring at the stars. The work had been long and hard but in the end, well worth it. The bell tower was now lacking a roof and the floor was covered in pieces of wood and rot, but to me it was a perfect sanctuary. It gave me the illusion and the hope that we were now that much closer to the stars, outer space, and home.
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