Young Writers Society

Taken down, thanks to everyone for all the feedback

I actually really like you used classic fanatasy elements in kind of a different style. Very interesting. I love how you managed to make your goblin origional by casually mentioning things like eye stalks. (You did that nicely for a lot of things, buts that's the one that I feel is the best example). Writing wise I have nothing to critique.

I am unsure of your protagonists. What I mean, they are interesting charaters, and I want to continue reading thier story, but I'm not sure yet that they are the god guys. Is that intentional? I'm a goblin sympathiser, so maybe that's just me.

OH MY GOD! THAT WAS AWSOME! I HAVE READ LOADS OF BOOKS AND NONE OF THEM WERE AS GOOD AS THAT!

Brilliant work! I could not stop reading! the diction was good and your sentence structure was even better! I like how you were able to establish the characters personality almost immediately, normally it takes a full book to accomplish that. I can't wait for the second part, but I seriously think this has the potential to become a full novel. Keep on writing!

I will be brief -- I really must get off this laptop on my day off.

Okay, so you will benefit from a couple more proofs.

pressed at the head with his left hand,

while his right worked its grim work.

Like that. What on earth is it? A paragraph break in the middle of the sentence then you repeat 'work.' Little things like this really knock me out of the story. And reviewers' attention will be drawn to these small errors, rather than the macros.

So let's have a look shall we. I don't think there is much to say really, your style is delightful, with a heavy influence I can't quite finger. I think at times you let little lines slip, little observations that aren't important sneak in. And important facts that you fail to introduce properly spring up contrived, when rather they should be muted or assumed. There is an example below.

With the tip of his dagger Bruk trailed out on the ground an enclosing spell. Hroda drew the internal octagon and sprinkled black dust from a small leather pouch at the points in which the octagon’s lines touched the boundaries of the protective circle.

It's difficult to say where the disconnect is, if one exists. I think it's the black dust and the pouch, they seem to come unprecedented. It's kind of contrived, like I said, and these little details could have been weaved in, where you favour extraneous information instead. Obviously this is an easy fix, it just needs to be subtly placed earlier, so its significance is apparent when you reference it again.

I really can't comment as to how the story is progressing. It feels like we don't travel far in this part, but there is action and a whispered promise of more action and that is enough to drive readers through the break between parts. I really am intrigued how work like this goes undetected, I think YWS readers resign themselves to shorter work, poetry and flash fiction. It's an unhealthy diet for a reader if you ask me. I don't have much else to say.

Do let me know when the next part is posted.

JP

Hi JP,
good advice on the pouch; possibly I could sneak it in into the start when they are discussing whether the bush is a danger. That would be a hint that there is a pouch and that it has stuff in it.
The feeling of vague disconnect is possibly to do with the lack of thoughts and emotions and me not being yet at home in such a mode. The obvious yet elusive influence is, at least from my point of view, a Jim Thompson-Karl Wagner mix.
Anyway, thanks very much.
P.S. the second and concluding part of the story is already up. I wrote it a day later and already it's a slightly different, less tight style - just goes to show how 'unstable my narrative voice is.

It's a really good story. It's creative, the characters have personality and you really establish what they are like in the story so far. The writing was dramatic, with the perfect amount of intensity. One thing I personally think could've made the story even better though is more adjectives that are just a bit more descriptive then thick or unhappily. I'm looking forward to reading the second part.