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Tue Oct 25, 2011 12:13 am
JosephBohnenberger says...



Sorry, Its a rough draft so there might be grammer problems. Just tell me what you think.



My name is Levi Yates and this is a story about my ability, when I was 13 I was diagnosed with a disease called Yatoraskism, it’s a disease where it is impossible to dream. The next year I was in a horrible accident that put me in a coma for three months, and all three months I didn’t dream once. The part of the brain that controls dreams is not active but because of this I tend to do a lot of writing any time I can, this to makes up for the missing dreams. About a week ago I realized something about my writing, that the stuff I write is coming true, at first I did think it was just a coincidence but I decided to put it to the test. Most of my writing is stuff that can came true like one time I wrote about me finding a hundred dollars and buying all the candy and the next day it happened.
I then started to write about more things that I wanted to come true that are most likely not to come true but it did, I realized that this was no dream because for me it was reality. I have only written two stories and I am going to continue to write for more things to come true.
I was failing most of my classes and didn’t pay attention real well in school but that was about to change, I went home and grabbed a piece of paper and started to write in story form about my school and how I would just start to get stuff without trying and do everything 100 times better. After writing my story I went to the old desk in my room and put it in the drawer with the rest of my writings.
It was now morning of August 30, 2011 and still no dream, I might not have dreams but I do have a dream and that is able to dream. Kids at school always talk about what they dreamed that night and how awesome it was and yes if you are wondering I have wrote about dreaming but it has still not happened. I ate breakfast like every normal kid and said bye to my parents and went off to the bus stop, I always stayed back because there where mean 9th graders who would pick on me if I got to close so staying my distance was the smart decision. The giant yellow machine pulls up lets out it stop sign and we all pile onto the bus, crowed and loud as usual; I walk towards the middle of the bus when I was tripped by someone’s foot and face planted the ground. I was tired of being picked on because I was the quiet and weird one and I was not going to stand for it anymore.
“Stop!” I screamed in the ninth graders face and every gets real quiet, the kids name was Joseph he had bright red hair and was a big time football player.
“Oh look guys the retard can speak.” He says to everyone on the bus and the quietness turns into laughs, “What you going to do?” He the pushes me onto the seat across from him, I know this wasn’t a fair fight because I am as skinny as a stick and he would snap me in two but I had to stand up for myself I have learned over the years is to get respect was to throw the punch. While he was distracted laughing I push myself back up and punch him right in the face with all I got which was not much. His laughing stops and he swings right back knocking me so hard with so much force back into the seat and I began to cry from the pain. I was never hit in the face and that was because I never did anything but keep to myself, why did I hit someone that would obliviously hit me back with much more force? The bus driver stops the bus and heads back to Joseph and me.
“You sit up front with me.” She says picking me up by my shirt and dragging me to the front seat while everyone laughed while tears tumbled down my face.
When we got to the school Joseph and I was assigned ISS and was expelled from riding the bus for two weeks, they called my parents and I was going to have a long talk when I got home.
I was now in math class and smirks were all over the kid’s faces and I sat all the way in the back covering my eye which I knew was going to be black.
“Alright class, we are continue are lesson about x-games and how to divide and multiply fractions.” The teaches says, out of nowhere I saw pictures go through my head about everything all these numbers pass through and I was getting it. During class I actually answered all the questions and the homework she assigned us I was already done in less than a minute.
“Don’t forget about the fifty dollar prize to whoever can say the most numbers of pi in order tomorrow.” It looks like tomorrow I was going to get fifty dollars.
I head to my next class still covering my face and I walk into my English class and start to head to the back.
“Hey Levi, how are you today?” Mrs. Patton asks and I keep my head down and answer her question.

“Could be better.” I start to walk to my seat when she grabs my arm.

“What happen to you face?” She lifts up my head and he eyes widen. “Who did this to you Levi?” I didn’t want to answer because kids were starting to walk in.

“This kid on the bus, don’t worry about it I already got ISS for it.” I said and before I gave her chance to say something back I walked to my desk and on the way pick up the book we are reading. The warm-up on the bored told us to read two pages from the book and describe what it was talking about; I open the book and the words look as if they lifted of the page and order itself to something I understood. I started to read and didn’t stop I was done with one chapter in less than a minute and I was getting it like the plot and the conflict and the solution, I was a flipping a page every second and people started to look at me even the teacher was stunted and then I was done and I closed the book. “Done.” Everyone’s mouths drop.

“Explain what it was about?” Mrs. Patton asks me.

“A boy named Luke Bruce who is 13 that lives in New Jersey Mountainside, had a problem that his parents died when he was three and he now lives on the streets and he had to find a way to live until a man named Phil helped the boy back to his feet and…..” For some reason I couldn’t finish I just couldn’t remember, the teaches rises her eye brows wanting me to finish. “I forgot sorry.” She was still impressed that I got done with over half the book in 4 minutes.

The end of class I was already assigned two more books to read and was going to be placed in AP English and she was going to mention me to colleges, only in 8th grade and already in AP English from one day.
I went through the rest of the day doing the same thing and now recommended to three honors classes and people were actually talking to me for help and a couple of people want me to hang out with them this weekend. In just one day my life has changed just because of my writings, I need to up the level and see what more I could do, like sports.
I wanted to get home as quickly as I could to start more of my stories.

It was now after school and my mom was picking me up from school because of the whole fight thing, I wonder what my parents were going to do with me. I got into my the car and mom gave me the look and didn’t say anything the whole trip home, when home I grabbed my book bag and went inside and my dad was sitting at the table shaking his foot and my mom sat next to him and I knew it was time for the talk.
“Sit down.” My dad says with frustration and I sit across from them and for about a minute they just stared at me to get me to talk. “What were you thinking when you hit that kid?” My dad screams and I jump, I was scared of my dad a lot of times because he had a bad temper and my mom would just take it all in.
“He tripped me on purpose and called me a retard I couldn’t take it anymore.” I said hoping that him knowing he started it then it won’t be so bad.
“You must be a retard to fight someone that was bigger then you, you’re just a stick. Now I am going to have to start work later to take you to school so that means staying longer, you are grounded and not going anywhere in a month except school.” My dad screams and grabs me by the arm and drags me to my room, I look at my mom who was doing nothing and just letting him punish me for no reason and drag me down the hallway. “Don’t come out until school starts tomorrow!” He throws me and slams the door and I was so mad because I finally had friends to hang out with and now I was grounded for no reason. I wish my parents would just die they piss me off so bad, I pick up paper and a pencil and start to write about them just dying and leaving my life so I could actually have a life. I had bruise on my arm from where my dad dragged me down the hallway and I was not going to let that happen again.
I was done writing and I realize that what I wrote was stupid and how my parents feed me and put a roof above my head, before I could erase what I put the door opened and I threw the sheet under my bed and my mom walks into the room.
“I am sorry about tonight, he didn’t have a good day at work.” What he did had no excuse and it was probably do to all that drinking he was doing lately.
“You didn’t help when I needed you the most, get the hell out of my room!” I scream and tears go down my face and I stopped her before she could speak. “Out!” She then leaves and I scream into my pillow hoping the pain would just leave.



Still no dream, I got ready in my room and the only time I left was to take my shower and brush my teeth I didn’t even eat breakfast.
“Let’s go Levi!” Mark screams, I am not going to call him my dad because he obviously don’t love me like a dad should, I sure wish I could dream of a better dad. I get into the car and the whole ride every time he spoke to me I put my head against the window and ignored him even when he yelled.
When arriving at the school I jumped out of the car and headed inside.
I entered Math class and the room was full because of the competition for pi but all these people had nothing on me and my writings. I walked up to her desk where she had all the paper with all the numbers and I was up next and all the numbers where going through my head and I knew I had this no problem, it was now my turn and I walk up to her.
“Alright Levi so far the highest is 97 numbers good luck.” That is easy.

“3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209…..” I kept going but making sure that she could make sure that I am getting everyone right, I never felt so smart in my life and now I was 200 pi numbers and everyone was crowded around even the principle and some teachers. I didn’t want to stop I never got so much attention in my life, entering 600 and I decided to stop so we could get on with our day. Everyone was clapping in the whole school and I felt so blissful knowing that I wasn’t just Levi Yates anymore.
“I can’t believe it Levi 623 numbers of pi and you didn’t mess up once, I don’t know how it is possible and all the other teachers tell me that yesterday you answered everything correct. How are you doing it and why now?” I explained to her about my writings and how everything I was writing was coming true and when telling her I realized that I wrote yesterday night that I wanted my parents to die and to never see them again.
“I have to go now.” I said and I run through the crowed and went outside and took out my phone and called my mom but there was no answer, I then tried Mark but still no answer and I knew what has happened.
My phone then begins to ring and on it was a number I have never seen before, “Hello?” There was a deep breath taken by the person on the other line.
“Is this Levi Yates?” A woman asks whom I never heard of.
“Yes this is he.” Another deep breath was taken by the woman and I could tell that something was wrong.
“Your dad Mark died today in work, it is still unexplained we have been trying to reach your mom but there has been no answer.” The news made me freeze and I drop the phone and one of the teachers run outside.
“Levi you can’t be out here.” I knew that if dad was dead then mom was too and I needed to get home to be for sure, maybe I can still save them.
“I need to be taken home, I was just told that my dad is dead and my mom is not answering her phone. Please Mrs. Patton I think I caused this from my writing take me to my house its only about five minutes away.” Mrs. Patton touches her face thinking about what to do.
“Listen I can’t take you I could lose my job, please come back inside we will handle this.” I had no time to handle this, I guess I am running and she is not going to stop me. I then take off towards the direction of where my house is, it would take me about ten minutes but that is not going to stop me.

When I arrived home, I ran inside and I looked around and finally came to my mom’s room and she was laying on the floor. I run over to her but there was no movement not even a plus, my mom was dead and it was all my fault I lost my control and wrote something that didn’t need to be wrote. I have to fix this.
I grab paper and a pencil and start to write that my parents come back to life and join me with a good life to come. When I finishing writing I went back into my mom’s room and waited but nothing was happening and I couldn’t wait much longer, maybe if I right something less specific. I grabbed another piece of paper and started to right.

“My life use to be normal until I had the ability to write the future, you would think that writing the future would be something worthwhile but it changes everything. Having such a power could be useful until you turn, anger filled my body and made me something I regret. Both of my parents passed away today and it was my fault, I wish my life would just go back to the way it use to be with everyone I loved in my life.”
I then finished the writing and run stare at my mom just waiting that she will wake up but nothing was happening.
I started to hear a voice around me but I couldn’t tell where it was coming from or what it was saying but I could tell it was a man. It didn’t sound like it was someone in the house but as if it was the house of something in my head; “He is stabilizing.” The voice said more clearly and I started to hear more background noises like a beeping and small talk. They were talking about some boy but I couldn’t really tell what the boy name was but they seemed happy for him. “I can’t believe it he is coming out of it.” The voice said once again and all of a sudden the house around me started to haze and faded away, I didn’t know what was going on I was confused.
“Here he comes.” The man says
I woke up and a bunch of strangers where around me all in doctor uniforms and there was one man standing in just regular close.
“Where am I?” I ask the doctors.

“Hello Luke you are in Mountainside Hospital, Phil and you were in a car accident a year ago and you have been in a coma sense, do you remember anything?”
Sleep Walk-Bohnenberger
  





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Tue Oct 25, 2011 5:17 am
VampireSenshi says...



I really enjoyed the concept of this. Sometimes i feel that i have this power, and then i realize i don't and i go cry in a corner. But that's unrelated to how great of a story this can be. I would enjoy reading a story like this if you were to continue, but what is up with the ending? Was he ever Levi, or was he allways Luke. Or are the doctors telling him his name is Luke to throw him off? Now THAT would make an awesome story...

8/10

Make Sure to Keep Writing!!!
<YWS>
<NE1>

NIGHT is always watching...
  





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Tue Oct 25, 2011 2:52 pm
JosephBohnenberger says...



During the story when he read that book in English class he was accually reading about himself that's why he couldnt finish it because it meet up with present time. He was never able to dream so when finally he got into this car accident he dreamed such a real life with parents, when accually he was homeless and he never meet his parents.
Sleep Walk-Bohnenberger
  





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Tue Oct 25, 2011 4:00 pm
djwicca says...



I like the idea but you need to add on to the discriptions. To basic but otherwise amazing!
We are all like Graffias. The taller we get, the closer to the leaves we want :)
  





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Tue Oct 25, 2011 4:22 pm
JosephBohnenberger says...



thanks, its just a rough draft I wll make sure to do that.
Sleep Walk-Bohnenberger
  





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Wed Oct 26, 2011 2:41 am
Celdover says...



Hello.

I'll be honest, this piece has left me confused about what tone you tried to convey. On one hand I see many grammatical errors, common character archetypes, and an unrealistic series of events that harm the story. On the other hand, it's revealed at the end that said character was in a coma so it'd make sense for the previous narrative to be a little loopy given context. If this was intentional then you are a genius. If it wasn't then you have a lot of work to do. And even if you are a genius you still have a lot of work to do, so let's cut to the chase.

You were right about the grammatical errors and I found plenty scattered about. A few times in the story you shift tenses, meaning you start narrating in past tense, switch to present, and go back to past tense again. I found this to be jarring because it ruined the flow of the story. Now tense shifts can be done right, but only if they make sense. For instance, say you have a story primarily narrated in present tense, but then a character begins to tell a story in past tense, because most people tell stories in past tense. These tense shifts did not make sense so they disrupted the story.

The second thing I noticed was the improper use of commas. It seems like you're trying to use commas to replace periods, perhaps in an attempt to make the story seem more unified. It does the opposite. When joining two independent clauses you do, indeed, use commas, but please make sure said independent clauses are related in subject matter. Otherwise the resulting sentence will jump from one topic to the next and won't make much sense at all.

You also seem to have difficulty with subject/verb agreement and using the correct words. I'm not going to pick out individual examples since this is something you should be able to fix yourself, but I will make a suggestion. Try reading out loud to identify subject/verb disagreement and maybe to help find those places where you used the wrong word. Actually, try reading aloud to help you fix all of the grammatical issues I mentioned above.

And a nitpick here. When you describe the inability to dream with the term "Yatoraskism" I immediately knew it wasn't a real term, even before I looked it up. The suffix "-ism" is used to create an action noun from a verb (e.g., baptize -> baptism) and is rarely used for diseases. And the root word, for lack of a better term, "yatorask" isn't from any language I (or Google) am familiar with. Names for diseases aren't pulled out of thin air. A good number of them have roots in languages such as Latin (bipolar disorder ("bi-" Latin, two. "polar" from Latin polus, complete opposites)), are named after people (Alzheimer's disease) or are in English (obsessive-compulsive disorder). If you want to make up a name to a disease and have it sound legit then keep this in mind.

I'll stop beating a dead horse and move on from grammar to the actual events and characters, starting with our viewpoint character. He makes for a pretty convincing teenager. Whiny, short-tempered, not thinking things through, and having a self-centered mindset. The problem is a character like that is difficult to write without them becoming extremely annoying, which is what I found him to be. I don't have any sympathy for this character and don't care when the plot starts to pick on him. As far as I'm concerned he brought it upon himself.

The supporting characters aren't much better, either. They don't seem to have much personality or purpose outside of fulfilling their plot designated roles, which makes it really difficult to see them as people a reader should care about. If you really want us to identify with and sympathize with these characters then they need to be something more than a collection of archetypes thrown together. Sure we may be limited to the viewpoint of our whiny teenage friend but you can still drop subtle hints that they're more than our (probably) biased narrator is letting on. How about including body language that the character misinterprets? I know I've taken my parents' looks of concern for looks of pity a few times and gotten unreasonably upset over it. You can do the same thing here.

Now I mentioned at the very beginning that there's the possibility that all these errors were intentional so you could establish a tone for your story, an idea I find to be interesting. However, due to the nature of the grammatical errors and writing style your piece doesn't come off this way. It's true that you can break grammatical rules to benefit a story, but you have to know the rules before you can break them. With how these errors are scattered about with no method or planning behind them I just end up confused about your intentions and what you wanted this story to say. Did you want the dream in the coma to be disorganized or not? Were the supporting characters supposed to be exaggerations of people the character has actually met, which would explain their flat personalities?

Overall I see potential in this piece, even though I haven't complimented it much in my review. With some effort and thought you can probably polish this into something cool. Besides, a draft is just something with many mistakes, and with each mistake comes an opportunity to grow as a writer. Don't be discouraged.

You're welcome to PM me with any questions or comments.

--Dover
Lumi: I hate it when plans require faith in competence.
Jagged: You should know better by now.
  





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Wed Oct 26, 2011 2:55 am
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Kafkaescence says...



Be careful what you wish for, right? Haha. Sure.

Lots to say on this, I guess. I'm not sure whether the aforementioned moral is what's most prominent here, though - it is entirely contradicted by the "some wishes come true" vibe you kind of got at toward the end. But I'm not sure whether to believe this latter or not. It would require the first part of the first paragraph to be in the spectrum of reality, and not in the dreamscape that most of the story resides in.

But I don't know if the narrator's inability to dream is explicitly limited to the physical or psychic realm, and this is the main point where the theme of your story begins to garble. I don't know what to make of the ending; yes it is clever, but to where are you pointing? What's the moral here, that rope to tie your story together? It's lost, I think, in the foggy ambiguity you display as far as time and place.

Yeah, so there were some grammar problems. More than some, I guess. I think that really weighed the piece down, because it showed that you didn't have an entirely firm grasp on syntax, an inference through which the reader will be inclined to view the piece with more criticism than otherwise. It also completely drowned out any sense of legitimate style you might have developed. Nearly half or more of the sentences this contained are grammatically incorrect in some sense or another, whether it be lack of commas, a misplacement of commas, a misspelled word, incorrect language usage, etc. So this needs some major editing, yeah?

Yatoraskism

Don't know where this word came from. Just fell from the sky? I understand that there is no English word for an inability to dream, but that doesn't mean you can just throw some random letters together. You have to use prefixes, roots. The Greek prefix for "dream" is "oneiro" - use that, not "Yator," which means nothing.

Now let's take out our microscope and study the more intricate crevices in your story.

First, the teacher seems incredibly unsympathetic when she learns that the narrator's father died. She acts more like a robot than anything else, in that scene at least. Try displaying more emotion there?

Secondly, being a fast reader will, under pretty much no circumstances, be a free ticket to social acceptance. Rather, it might draw interest toward him as far as his ability, but that's about it. Making instant friends would be a stretch. Surely your experience will lead you to a similar conclusion?

Along those lines, how does everyone suddenly get drawn to him as they see him reading? How do they know he's not just skimming, or flipping pages for whatever other reason - to find where he left off, perhaps. And - what the heck? - the principal came? How completely bizarre is that?

The cliché of the football-star-bully picking on some random thin kid for no reason is so...hackneyed, that I can't even read it without suffering itches of irritation. Please - for the readers sake, can you come up with something that is actually original?

I wouldn't call this "amazing;" as you can see, there is work - much work - to be done to remedy this piece. The plot is somewhat creative, but becomes muddled and incoherent where the theme is concerned.

Hope this helped.

-Kafka
#TNT

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Wed Oct 26, 2011 7:56 pm
JosephBohnenberger says...



Kafka, this is just a rough draft and people pick on people to impresses there friends and thats what came from here. And it was by the readers eyes and to him the teacher seemed unsympathetic. It takes alot of thinking to get it, and I know my grammer is bad, I get that. But want to hear something cool, the best writers are worst with spelling and grammer but they leaned. It's the message that makes this ROUGH draft important.
Thanks!
Sleep Walk-Bohnenberger
  








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