Young Writers Society

Sia Chey relished the hunt of the night.
She couldn't think of anything more exhilerating than the rush of adrenaline when she spotted her prey. The chill of the mid October air blew her slightly damp hair in her eyes, momentarily obscurring her vampire vision. Maybe she outta rethink that haircut her mother mentioned earlier. Psst! Sia! Check out your left, I sense movement. Pulling away from her thoughts she focused in on the indicated direction. The seconds ticked by before Sia heard the audible snap of a twig. Coming from her crouched position on the wooded ground she got to her feet doing a double take that her backup was in position.
"Eli, our targets in sight correct?" "You know it Sia." How far? No more than seven or eight feet. Piece of cake. She took off at a sprint, her footsteps deft on the cold, leaf covered ground. Her long legs eating up the space bewtween her and her meal. It never had a chance, her fangs springing out and sinking into it's neck. They both hit the ground with a thud.

this is a interesting thing you are doing but im thinking there in a park

This is pretty good! I like how you have Sia think about what she's doing. There are some spelling mistakes, but they're easy to fix. So I suppose they're nothing to worry about. Oh, and the ending might want to be fixed a little because it didn't really seem like an ending to me. Maybe consider rewording it or insert a whole new sentence? Either way, this was a really good chapter and I hope you make more!

Nice work, you did a great job setting up the tone for this piece. Two bits that truly captivated me: "relished the hunt" and "the chill of the mid October air." It had a rushed feel to it, which did wonders for the mood. I do have a few suggestions in store.

Sia Chey relished the hunt of the night.

Cutting out, "of the night" would make the sentence stronger. Here's a quick example:



In general, I would recommend employing more variety with sentence structure for a more fluid sense of movement. A curt segment usually denotes action or acts to place emphasis on a key phrase that drives forth a certain tone.

She couldn't think of anything more exhilerating . . . The chill of the mid October air blew her slightly damp hair in her eyes, momentarily obscurring . . . Maybe she outta . . . Her long legs eating up the space bewtween her. . .

As DoomWolfe stated, there were minor misspellings: exhilarating, obscuring, ought to, and between.

Her long legs eating up the space felt awkward. I understand to eat up is to take space, but so far she's been portrayed as a nimble and agile character: eating up space felt unflattering and out of character.

Psst! Sia! Check out your left, I sense movement.

Regardless if it's a hiss or a telepathic message, this excerpt demands quotation marks to separate to mark a distinction from the narrative and a character's voice. I noticed with the dialogue that followed, you kept it on the same line.

"Eli, our targets in sight correct?" "You know it Sia." How far? No more than seven or eight feet. Piece of cake.

I would've suggest:



It makes it easier for the reader to take in. It's rather confusing when it's on a single line because that signifies a single speaker rather than the call and response format in play. Using that train of thought, I would also suggest you make breaks between each paragraph -again, for aesthetics and ease of reading.

her fangs springing out

When I imagine springs, I imagine a bounce. This would've been suitable if you wanted to express that she pounced -her legs sprung and she landed square on the target, but fangs? It doesn't seem to fit. I can see fangs being unsheathed. For them to spring, it would make them malleable -flimsy. I see what you were going for, but I don't believe it has the desired connotation you were going for which undermines the fragment.

her footsteps deft on the cold, leaf covered ground.

Deft typically means nimble or gentle. Thus when you brought up "cold, leaf covered ground" -I felt you wanted to go with a word that meant to silence her movement such as muted.