Young Writers Society

It started with the miller and his daughter. Before them, I was just a nameless brownie. I shouldn’t have gotten involved, but she was in an impossible situation, and I couldn’t stand to see her cry.

Mortals can be so thoughtless at times. First the miller decided to spread the word that his daughter could spin straw into gold, as if her beauty was not enough of a draw. Then the king decided he would break social boundaries and marry a peasant if the rumours were true, and set out a way to test the story.

They locked her in a room full of straw and commanded her to work magic. Of course she couldn’t do it. But spinning was a special gift of mine. A trick like this would be simple for me.

So I made myself known. She was grateful of course, but I could tell my very presence bothered her. She called me “little man” and even offered me her ring as payment. She couldn’t know how offensive it was to offer a brownie payment, but it still hurt.

She thought I was ugly. I am not ugly. I am skinny and brown, and small that is true. Nothing like the handsome tyrant who threatened her. But have never been ugly.

By the second night, it was obvious that she wasn’t concerned about being put to death. She was more worried that I would thwart her chance to be queen. Perhaps she thought she was never truly in danger. I didn’t understand the concept of bluffing back then. I just thought I was stuck helping a dim-witted girl who would treat me like dirt while pining for the man who had imprisoned her. I let her pay me with her necklace, even though I knew it once belonged to her mother.

On the third night, I was going to ask for a kiss.

It was a foolish idea. I didn’t even like her. But she was so beautiful, and I thought it would be amusing to finally get something I wanted when she would find the very idea distasteful.

I thought I could trick her into thinking my offer was not completely outrageous. I got the idea from the stories mortals tell about folk like me. I first demanded a price I thought no one would willingly pay. I never dreamed she would accept.

I didn’t want her baby. I contemplated taking it anyway; just to teach her a lesson. When I told her to guess my name, it was my turn to make her attempt the impossible. I didn’t have one.

But the new queen seemed to genuinely cherish her daughter, and despite all that had happened I still didn’t want to cause her any real suffering.

I knew she would try to cheat. Wasn’t I the one who had helped her the last time? I relied upon her trying the same thing with me.

That’s how I found myself, shouting nonsense rhymes at the black sky, yelling out a word that meant nothing to anyone, but made me strangely happy. I knew her spies would carry it back to the castle.

I let her rob me of my victory, but I didn’t vanish entirely. I stayed to keep an eye on the little princess. I watched her grow into a girl lovelier than he mother ever was.

We were out in the garden one day when she suddenly spoke.

“I know who you are,” she said. “Did you used to follow my mother this way?”

“Sometimes,” I admitted, flustered. I hadn’t realized she could even see me. Most humans can’t unless I make them.

“But I’m special?” She asked.

“Yes of course.”

The smile she gave me was the most wonderful thing I had ever seen.

Everything was better once she had acknowledged my presence. She knew I was always there, even when life at court became difficult to bear. When she was sad, I tried to make her laugh with my silly fairy antics. I was always leaving little gifts for her before, but it was more fun giving my presents to her in person.

On her sixteenth birthday I gave back her grandmothers necklace. I didn’t say what it was, but I think she knew.

It is a very good thing that I didn’t steal her away as an infant. What I felt for her was far from paternal. She was young, yes, but so was everyone compared to me. I lived in fear of the day they would betroth her to some stupid young lord and I would have to watch her get married.

But that day never came.

When my princess turned twenty-one, I discovered how the queen had kept her deception hidden for so many years. The magic had supposedly been transferred from mother to daughter, and the king had been waiting for the power to manifest. He was getting impatient.

I found her down in the dungeons. It was the same scene as before. Golden hair blending with the straw as she lay exhausted from her pleading. Only this time the king’s role was father, not future husband, and the girl’s beautiful face was truly a reflection of her soul.

“It’s you!” She exclaimed, sitting up and trying to brush away the tears. She was still stunning, even with her eyes puffy and her cheeks pink from crying. “My mother said you might come.”

“I want to help you, if I can.”

“I was warned you demand a high price.” She said, as if there could be anything in the world I wouldn’t do for her.

“It depends on what you want from me,” I replied.

She walked over to me, and bent to she could look at me directly when she made her request.

“Take me with you. Get me out of this place. How much would that cost?”

I smiled. “That I would do for free.”

The princess gave me my kiss without ever being asked. At last I stole her away, as it seems I was always meant to.

This was really nice, it reminds me of Rumpelstiltskin. Then again I'm sure that's what you were getting at in the first place, I love the fairy tale romance and just the fairy tale style of it all as well. You did a fantastic job and I just can't see anything wrong with it at all. Awesome job!

When I finished this I didn't think 'that was a pretty good retelling of the old tale' I thought 'I finally know the whole story' This was beautifully written and I loved every bit of it. I thought the character of Rumpelstiltk was wonderful. His voice sounded real and one of my favorite line of his was this one.

That's how found myself, shouting nonsense to the black sky,yelling out a word that meant nothing to any one yet made me strangely happy. I knew her spies would carry it back to the castle.

I enjoyed the Frog Prince but liked this one evern better. I hope to see more retold fairy tales from you in the future.
Thanks for posting this.
~DG
I'm so jealous of you for thinking of this.

A fairytale rewrite! *throws Pokeball* (>> Sorry. I think the heat's getting to me.)

Anyway, on to the review. Comments will be in red, awkward sections in green, and things that I like will be in orange.

It started with the miller and his daughter. Before them, I was just a nameless brownie. I love it when people use brownie instead of fairy or something. Just makes me feel all fuzzy inside. That said, I'm ambivalent about this beginning, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and read on. I shouldn’t have gotten involved, but she was in an impossible situation, and I couldn’t stand to see her cry.

Mortals can be so thoughtless at times. First the miller decided to spread the word that his daughter could spin straw into gold, as if her beauty was not enough of a draw. Then the king decided he would break social boundaries and marry a peasant if the rumours were true, and set out a way to test the story. Not a huge fan of that sentence. It's clunky and it's awkward, and to top it all off, it's super stiff. Revise. Also, you've been infodumping in this paragraph. Watch out for that.

They locked her in a room full of straw and commanded her to work magic. Of course she couldn’t do it. Between the last sentence and the next, there's a rough transition. The link is there, but it's flimsy and it doesn't quite hold up. Revise. But spinning was a special gift of mine. A trick like this would be simple for me. The last bit was redundant. If it's his gift, he's good at it.

So I made myself known. She was grateful of course, but I could tell my verypresence bothered her. She called me “little man” and even offered me her ring as payment. She couldn’t know how offensive it was to offer a brownie payment, but it still hurt.

From the very beginning of this piece, you've been telling me things. Telling, telling, telling. There's no showing at all. Even worse, this is written in first person, but it feels so distant it might as well be omniscient third. More on this later.

She thought I was ugly. I'm not ugly. Contractions are better - they make the piece flow better and make it feel more organic. They're especially good in first person POVs. I am skinny and brown, and small - that is true. I'm nothing like the handsome tyrant who threatened her. ButI have never been ugly. For all that this paragraph is telling, I like it. It gives some character to your narrator (the first paragraph to do so in the whole piece).

By the second night, it was obvious that Get rid of every extraneous word to tighten your prose. she wasn’t concerned about being put to death. She was more worried that I would thwart her chance to be queen. Awkward sentence. Revise. Perhaps she thought she was never truly in danger. I didn’t understand the concept of bluffing back then. Yay more telling. ._." I just thought I was stuck helping a dim-witted girl who would treat me like dirt while pining for the man who had imprisoned her. Now why would he think that? :/ He's a brownie. He could turn her into a literal brownie if he wanted. oo" I don't understand why he feels obligated to stay, to be honest. I let her pay me with her necklace, even though I knew it once belonged to her mother. And that's not really treating you like dirt. I mean, she gave up something precious of hers.

On the third night, I was going to ask for a kiss. In the last paragraph, you made it seem like he was helping her against his will. Now he actually likes her?

It was a foolish idea. I didn’t even like her. But she was so beautiful, and I thought it would be amusing to finally get something I wanted when she would find the very idea distasteful. Oh wait no. But now your characterization is all over the place. First, he was naive, a sweet little guy who was sensitive to others' feelings. Now he's just kind of mischievous and cruel, to a degree. @@ I am so confused.

I thought I could trick her into thinking my offer was not completely outrageous. I got the idea from the stories mortals tell about folk like me. I first demanded a price I thought no one would willingly pay. I never dreamed she would accept. More telling. Show me the scenes, don't tell me. You may think that this is a fairytale, so you're allowed to tell - and this is true, to some degree. Most fairytales rely on telling. But the style you wrote this in, and the way you present the story - it's not written like a fairytale, and so I don't think you can get away with telling lots.

I didn’t want her baby. I contemplated taking it anyway; just to teach her a lesson. Now he's gone from mischievous to downright cruel. When I told her to guess my name, it was my turn to make her attempt the impossible. I didn’t have one. Last sentence confused me for a second there. A little more clarity would be nice.

But the new queen seemed to genuinely cherish her daughter, and despite all that had happened I still didn’t want to cause her any real suffering. Now he's back to sympathetic. @@" I'm so lost I feel like a penguin in the desert.

I knew she would try to cheat. Wasn’t I the one who had helped her the last time? I relied upon her trying the same thing with me.

That’s how I found myself shouting nonsense rhymes at the black sky, yelling out a word that meant nothing to anyone, but made me strangely happy. I knew her spies would carry it back to the castle. Now he's so sweet I feel like giving him a hug.

I let her rob me of my victory, but I didn’t vanish entirely. I stayed to keep an eye on the little princess. I watched her grow into a girl lovelier than her mother ever was.

We were out in the garden one day when she suddenly spoke.

“I know who you are,” she said. “Did you used to follow my mother this way?” If she knows who he is, then sounds like he's been doing more than watching. Probably interacted with him or something.

“Sometimes,” I admitted, flustered. I hadn’t realized she could even see me. Most humans can’t unless I make them. Hm. In this case, it wasn't clear enough in the last paragraph.

“But I’m special?” She asked.

“Yes of course.”

The smile she gave me was the most wonderful thing I had ever seen.

Everything was better once she had acknowledged my presence. At this point I am seriously getting bored. It's all telling and absolutely no showing whatsoever.She knew I was always there, even when life at court became difficult to bear. When she was sad, I tried to make her laugh with my silly fairy antics. I was always leaving little gifts for her before, but it was more fun giving my presents to her in person.

On her sixteenth birthday I gave back her grandmothers necklace. I didn’t say what it was, but I think she knew.

It is a very good thing that I didn’t steal her away as an infant. What I felt for her was far from paternal. She was young, yes, but so was everyone compared to me. I lived in fear of the day they would betroth her to some stupid young lord and I would have to watch her get married.

But that day never came.

When my princess turned twenty-one, I discovered how the queen had kept her deception hidden for so many years. The magic had supposedly been transferred from mother to daughter, and the king had been waiting for the power to manifest. He was getting impatient.

I found her down in the dungeons. It was the same scene as before. Golden hair blending with the straw as she lay exhausted from her pleading. Only this time the king’s role was father, not future husband, and the girl’s beautiful face was truly a reflection of her soul.

“It’s you!” She exclaimed, sitting up and trying to brush away the tears. She was still stunning, even with her eyes puffy and her cheeks pink from crying. “My mother said you might come.”

“I want to help you, if I can.”

“I was warned you demand a high price.” She said, as if there could be anything in the world I wouldn’t do for her. Awkward.

“It depends on what you want from me,” I replied.

She walked over to me, and bent to she could look at me directly when she made her request.

“Take me with you. Get me out of this place. How much would that cost?”

I smiled. “That I would do for free.” Ending is too neat, too flat. At least you had a climax, I suppose.

The princess gave me my kiss without ever being asked. At last I stole her away, as it seems I was always meant to.

Eh. I'm not big on the execution, and I'll give you my reasons why. However, I do have to say it's an adorable idea.

1. You tell too much.

Most people hear that a lot. "Show, don't tell." Only few understand it. Given how much you told here, I figure it won't hurt to explain it to you.

Telling is when you write down what you want the readers to think.

Example:

She's cruel.

Showing is when you give clues so the audience/readers can form their own opinions.

Example:

She fed a man's daughter to her lions once. Told him if he shed so much as a single tear or blinked even once, his wife and mother would be next.

Showing tends to be a lot more effective than telling because showing makes the audience realize exactly /why/ X is cruel or beautiful or selfish or manipulative. You didn't tell them - they 'saw' it for themselves. It's kind of the same thing as hearing a girl died and hearing that someone in your neighborhood (heaven forbid) was mugged and shot in the head. There's something a lot more visceral about the second because the person feels real, and you know the details of it all.

Let's have another example, just to drive in the point more clearly.

Showing:

He was happy.

Today, there was a spring in his step, a glimmer in his eye - something impalpable but real nevertheless. She couldn't quite tell what was different, but it seemed he carried himself with more confidence, more hope - more freedom.

There's a stark difference between the two. The first fell flat, while the second (although not an example of stellar writing, forgive me for that) has more life to it. Feels a little more happy, too.

I want you to show me what happened. Don't tell me the baker told everyone she could spin straw into gold; show me the neighbors gossiping about it, and show me the nosy jester whispering the rumor to the king.

Again, you might say this is a fairytale, and most fairytales tell, not show, so it must be okay.

Erm, not quite. ^^" This is actually my second point.

2. This is written in 1st person.

You might be wondering why I'm reminding you of this. Well, it's because I didn't feel like it was written in first person.

Tell me, do you think the way the brownie does? How would it be like if I spent a day in the brownie's head? Would he sound the same, like some generic over-the-counter medicine? Or would he be akin to a drug, addictive and strange, impossible and new?

Probably the second, if he's to be an effective narrator. The first-person POV narrators have a strong, distinct voice. It's clearly different, unique, from every other first person POV book the reader's ever encountered. The voice is one of the most important things about first person. It's the POV's greatest strength - and most difficult part.

A first person POV story must have a super strong narrator, one whose voice can handle the narrative while staying distinct and fresh. Each page must bring something new to the table - there is no room for formulaic, rehashed voices in first person.

Reading a first person POV story should be like getting dunked headfirst into cold waters (or a warm bath, depending on your character's personality). It's a change in environment, a change in perspective. Things don't quite look the same from beneath the water, and in the same way, a first person POV story should warp the narrative to suit the main character's personality. I'm not saying the story actually changes, but I'm saying it won't be objective.

You have hints of that here - like how unfavorably the brownie views the baker's daughter, and how much he adores the princess. But it's not enough, and I'm actually wondering if it was unintentional. Leah, in first person, the story is tainted by the biases and thoughts of the narrating character. Here, we feel distanced. I need to hear more of the character's thoughts and feelings, and I need to feel closer to him. Make us feel like we're in his head.

Oh, and if your brownie can't sound distinct enough, I'd recommend dropping first person and switching to close third person. Not a lot of characters can handle the weight of first person POV, so don't force it if it doesn't come naturally.

3. Your characterization is all over the place.

Probably partly because the motives of you characters are so obscure I'm not sure what he's doing and why. I mentioned all the places where your characterization was inconsistent in the piece, so I don't think I really have to elaborate on this. Your other characters are also flat, one-trait cut-outs. >.o

Princess - beautiful

Baker's daughter - Mean

King - Selfish

.______." People rarely have only one trait - they often have redeeming traits as well as bad ones. Show us both, or your story won't feel real (or as real as a fairytale could feel, anyway). By real I mean something believable, something that our suspension of disbelief can withstand.

By the way, when I say he's inconsistent, I don't mean show only one trait all the time. Some people contradict themselves lots; I'd just like to see what happened that made him contradict himself or something. More thought processes should clean this bit up, so this bit of advice really just ties back to my first and second points.

4. Your flow needs cleaning up.

Just reread the whole thing out loud and if you stumble anywhere, revise it. I'd advise you to do this after you edit the story so it has more voice. Good voice usually eliminates flow problems, though it doesn't hurt to make sure.

Anyway, this has the basic workings, and you seem to know about plotting (there's conflict, rising action, climax, etc). Good job on that. Conflict is what most stories usually lack, so it's nice to see someone who has a good grasp of it. 8]

Remember, this is your story, so take what advice you think is good for it and discard the rest. ^^ If you have any questions, PM me, all right?

Sincerely,

Octave

I agree that there are some major things wrong with this piece, and most of them stem from the use of first person. It's not my usual style, for obvious reasons, but I thought it would fit this piece. It didn't. I am going to fully rewrite it at some point, so I'm not going to fix it just now, but know that I am listening.

As for the bias and conflicting characturisation, that WAS supposed to be intentional. I made I rookie mistake and worked on assumptions the reader had no way of making. (Bad Leah, no cookie!). His meaness in certain places is him tring to be cruel, even though it's against his nature, because he was extremly offended by her ofter of payment. (Which would make sense, but only if your working with my very specific veiw of brownies. So yeah.)

Also, I put in more exposition than I woud have liked, because I think the last one of these I wrote didn't get everything across. But that's just me making excuses.

I thank you for bringing those flaws to attention. I hope you are willing to read the fixed version, when I eventually get around to writing it.

Hi Leah,

I love this! I always have loved the story of Rumpelstiltskin and never knew why. Again I will say that I love your editted fairytales (beauty and the beast is still my favourite).

I especially love how in them, the frog prince and this in particular you portray the characters as having different qualities e.g. Rumpelstiltskin being helpful rather than mean and the Princess not being spoiled and horrible (in the frog Prince). Well done.

- apple96