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Young Writers Society


Fear



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152 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 244
Reviews: 152
Wed Oct 12, 2011 4:43 pm
Niebla says...



“Come on! Just a bit further…I know where I’m going.”
Overgrown trees shadowed their faces. Gravel and earth crunched underneath their feet. It was almost night-time, the summer sky gradually darkening. The salty smell of the sea drifted up their noses from where it lay, hundreds of feet below.
It was enough to give anybody vertigo. The forest was situated on a steep cliff high above sea level. Standing on it, they became suddenly light-headed and cold to the point of shivering.
“Just follow me, will you?” Her eyes were sparkling with rebellion. The boy behind her stood several feet away from her, his doe brown eyes wide and uncertain.
“Ivo? Are you coming or not?”
An expression approaching petrified was spreading across Ivo’s face. “It’s late,” he said. “And Mum told me not to go near the forest. And you don’t know where you’re going, do you?”
The flicker of uncertainty on the girl’s face lasted only a second before she turned to him, her hands folded and eyes angry. “I know exactly where I’m going. It’s up to you if you want to come.”
She headed away from the sea, and after a moment’s hesitation, Ivo followed. They ventured further and further into the forest, where tree branches jutted out alarmingly and the canopies of the trees towered high above them.
Casting a silvery light over the restless sea, the full moon had risen into the sky.
The girl’s name was Jenny, and the truth was that she had never been so far before.
“Can’t we go back now?” Ivo said.
“Just a few more turns,” said Jenny. She was possessed by an immense urge to draw them further into the forest. She didn’t understand it herself; after all, it was far too early in her life to be teenage rebellion.
Her voice was so reassuring that Ivo momentarily began to believe her. Maybe she does know where we’re going, he thought.
Perhaps there’d been a time lapse in the next few minutes they’d spent walking, because the next thing they knew was that the sky was a dark navy and they could barely see their feet in front of them. Still Jenny carried on, unperturbed.
Obscured by the trees to their far left, a fiery yellow eye was watching them.
***

They leaned against the tree trunks, barely able to see each other’s faces in the darkness. Jenny stood resolutely, with her arms folded and looking away from Ivo. Ivo stood opposite her, looking straight at her; glaring.
“What now?” he hissed at her. “What are we going to do? Sleep here?”
For a moment her eyes became wide and excited. “I heard there were bears in the forest,” she whispered.
“What?”
“I’m sorry,” she sighed.
Shaking his head, Ivo sank down onto the ground, his back to the tree trunk. Jenny did the same.
“I’m scared,” he whispered, after a few moments. Somewhere in the distance, an owl hooted in the night. Jenny shivered.
“Me too,” she admitted. “I’m sorry. I took us too far…”
“I should have listened to Mum.”
“Why? What did she say?”
He sighed. “She didn’t actually say it. I imagined her say it, when we started walking into the forest. She said not to follow you.” He looked down at the ground. “But I couldn’t leave you alone.”
She didn’t reply and so they sat in silence. But after a few more moments, she took a deep, shuddering breath and said “I’m so sorry, Ivo.”
He looked up at her. There was something not quite right about her voice. Her eyes were wide and petrified. For a moment, he thought that they were staring straight at him, but then, his eyes focusing in the dark, he realised where she was really looking…behind him.
He turned.
***

Amidst the yellow eyes were dark slits; like a cat’s, narrow and unforgiving. Its fur was a magnificent amber, glowing in the night. Its black wings were folded against its back, but they were slowly unfolding, beating in the night sky.
Now it was content, its cat-like lips smeared with warm blood.
  





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Wed Oct 12, 2011 5:16 pm
Chicken says...



WOOOOOOOOOW!!!! I loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee this piece, i love the language, tention, the build up everything! When I was reading it i felt scared for the characters and the piece made me feel as if I was in the story, aswell as the charaters, you showed really clearly what the characters were like from the things they said and did..... It's a fabbbbbb piece.
Well done!!

Chicken ;)
  





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152 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 244
Reviews: 152
Wed Oct 12, 2011 5:22 pm
Niebla says...



Thank you @Chicken, I'm really glad you liked it. ;)

~MorningMist~
  





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Thu Oct 13, 2011 11:56 pm
paraperson says...



You've got something good going on here! I like it, but I think it could be improved. Try adding more detail, thoughts, and feelings, maybe even talk more about Ivo's mother warning him to stay out of the forest; possibly use a bit of dialogue from that conversation to make a bit of a flashback. Other than that, I think it's great and I love the ending! Keep writing!
Without art, life is pointless.
  





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152 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 244
Reviews: 152
Sat Oct 15, 2011 12:54 pm
Niebla says...



Thank you @paraperson, I'm really glad you like it and your tips are really helpful. I'll definitely use them to try and improve this sometime soon! :)

~MorningMist~
  





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Sat Oct 15, 2011 3:37 pm
LxnderSpeck says...



ok..to start off possitive I loved this. however, I would like way more description, way way more. I would love to see me and feel more and smell more and hear more. More more more. :D I would like more of the situation. I would like to feel as if I am watching them on a movie screen. :D if you know what I mean. :)
  





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134 Reviews



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Sun Oct 16, 2011 12:42 am
FruityBickel says...



I loved it. The short, simplistic sentences in the beginning hint that there's something not right, as does the description of the sea. However, I would like a better description of the forest, given that it seems to be where the action takes place. The mention of the eyes is a good use of foreshadowing, and I felt it helped build the suspense.
The ending was wicked because even though there was no direct action, it left chills up my spine because I could infer what happened to the boy, Ivo, and Jenny, the girl. All in all, very nice piece. Keep writing!
  





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Mon Oct 31, 2011 1:14 am
kkshockrox0 says...



I really, really enjoyed reading this. My favorite thing about it was the title. FEAR. It definitely drew me in and made me want to read more. The only thing I think you could add is more background info about Jenny. She definitely has something peculiar going on with her and I'd really like some more info about her character. I also think you could add more emotion. You have a good amount so far but if you added more I think your story could be even better. Hoped I was able to help! Keep up the writing! Xoxo.
  





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47 Reviews



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Mon Oct 31, 2011 7:49 pm
dragnet says...



This is a fabulous story, I just wish there was more! I am always so sad when your work ends for it is always so magnificent! I enjoy the vocabuloary that you use, do you speak as such, or only write? Overall, it was very good, the only part that I did not enjoy way when you introduced that the girl's name was Jenny. I do not know why, but that line rubbed me the wrong way. I think it just needs to be re-written, but only slightly so, because the second laf was pretty good, it's just the first half that really bothered me. Well, I am off to read more of you work. I propose to you that you write a story, not a short one, and not a poem, but an actual story, you know, with chapters and such. I think that it would just be so fabulous. You seem to have a lot of great idea that could expand to be fabulous plot lines and such, and I want to read that! I love how you write and I just really want a book from you! I know that it could be fabulous with the way you write!
Many ask me if I see the glass as half full or half empty. Well, I don't know about you, but I see the glass as, WHO DRANK HALF OF MY MILK?!?!?!
  








To have more, you have to become more. Don't wish it was easier - wish you were better. For things to change, you have to change, and for things to get better, you have to get better.
— Jim Rohn