Young Writers Society

Note: Makes obscure references to some items that may or may not aggrieve your self. This is purely fantasy, fiction.

I was rummaging through my old attic one day when I found this manuscript and many others, written in an archaic form of what I could see was similar to Middle English, yet was rather elegant in its writing. I could barely make out the words, being of a different make compared to what I've read. The language was totally unknown though, and I had to consult several authorities in order to make some sense of what it was about. The following is one of many excerpts I have managed to translate, but please understand that this is but a rough semblance of the real manuscripts.

This is our tale, of how we have become what we are. Never forget, lords, for this be our origin.

'Twas a night blackest beyond all sight, and our fathers' fathers were huddled in caves 'round all the lands. They said it was cursed, that though the sky brought forth flame, though it made blades of light, yet the sky wept not a tear that cold night. They cried, they laughed, for the winds caressed them in their agony, but also tore them apart. It was cold, it was harsh.

Yet the elders hushed them, saying that it would pass. And the flock did hearken to them for but a moment, as the winds grew stronger. The sentries, as one, half-dead on his deathbed, told me, were driven mad by what they had to endure that very night. They tried to resist, but the madness, the silent stalker that came in the night, overpowered them and did take them for its own.

The people gave into their terror. They were possessed by spirits, spirits both of sanity and madness, of anger, of sadness, that they compelled our fathers' fathers to seek the oblivion, the ending from the elements.

But, in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, all ceased; the silent blades held back their edges and retreated; the possessed kin mute and still. The people were enraptured, the elders gazing towards the sky.

And there came a light from above, bright shining as the sun. Night turned to day, and they were all alarmed. It was but the size of a rock in the sky in the beginning, but it grew larger until the sky seemed unable to hold it.

None could gaze at it, for it blinded all that had seen. And as the light touched our fathers' fathers, they felt a strength growing within. They said that it fed them, that it was sweet but strong, that they need not eat for days. It felt both smooth and rough, and it seemed to be when it could not be.

It changed them so, that they could see what the source was. And lo, behold! It was black, the shade of darkness, the soul of our shadows, but it burned silver and gold. The people gazed upon it, they wondered whence it had come.

And it fell upon them, a falling morning star (for it was almost dawn). the earth and waters shook, uprooting, trees everywhere, throwing boulders and parts of the fallen one to far areas. And a great fear came upon them, and they hid and knew no more.

Hey Mattimias!

First: your love for storytelling and writing is obvious here. Also obvious is that you had whole gobs of fun writing this. Never lose that energy.

As you go onward with this (and writing in general), I'd advise you though to make sure you don't let your enthusiasm for telling the story get in the way of actually telling the story. In the end, you don't need to impress the reader with fancy vocabulary or pretty turns of phrase. A concise, precise description can go further and farther than whole paragraphs worth of adjectives and adverbs.

A good rule to follow is to just say what you're trying to say. Don't be afraid to use one word instead of two. In fact, be afraid of using two words where you could have used just one!

What's the point, you ask? Why am I telling you this?

I'm writing this because as I was reading this, I kept getting distracted by how you said something. Sometimes I had to puzzle out what you were trying to say. Sometimes I just pondered the metaphor. And maybe that's what you wanted the reader to do, but as a reader, that's not what I want to do! I want to enjoy your story, laugh and cry with your characters, not wonder what you meant by something like,

The sentries, as one, half-dead on his deathbed, told me, were driven mad by what they had to endure that very night.

Again, never be afraid to just write what you mean, without embellishment or added flare or spice. Sometimes a pinch of salt is all something needs. You don't have to impress anyone. It's the truth and the story that counts. And besides, you've already impressed me at least with how much you enjoyed writing this.

Any questions, come bug me on my Wall or shoot me a PM. Sometimes I need to learn how to say things plain myself.

Rach

Hey There! I loved your writing style! It was different then what I have read which really intrests me! I'd love to read more of your work! If that will be fine, plus they way you started the begining was very intresting as well, I loved it!

Well if you have any other work you want me to review on, send me a message or comment on my profile! Sorry I dont have time to go into deep detail for this short story! Im not really on my laptop so, I'll send you a message of what I'd change. If you want you can take my advice, if not then thats fine!

~Randi (Alabaster)

This was a really interesting read! From my own experience, I believe you used that style of older English in a skillful way that not only portrayed that your piece was supposed to be 'older', but also explained what the Narrator was trying to say. Great job, and keep writing!

This story reminded me of Beowolf. I am a huge Beowulf fangirl, so yay! However, I would say that since this is supposed to be a translation of a language like middle english, I would avoid "old-timey" words like Twas. Middle english is pretty unintelligible, so most scholars would either translate it completly or use footnotes.

I love the concept of finding something old and magical in the farest reigons of an old place like an attic or basement. And then it leads to something more, like an adventure or quest of some sort. Maybe that's where you can go with this. That would definetly make an interesting story...
Anyway,
Make Sure to keep Writing!!!