Young Writers Society

Everything seems unreal.

I lay in bed while sweat soaked the cloth around my pillow and my tangled blond hair could no longer be recognized as locks of golden sunrise. The white sheets piled high were more like a prison then a comfort as they rested heavily on my body and slowly tried to suffocate my movements. There were flashes of lucidity that scared me even more then my horrid dreams ever could. Though, at times I couldn’t tell whether I was dreaming or not. There seemed to always be a boy standing in the corner of my room. He looked unlike anyone I have ever seen before, in fact, it would be more proper to say unlike anything I have ever seen before. He always wore black and had a red neck tie that I could not say was any specific pattern of material. He seemed ethereal. Whenever I looked in his direction he disappeared. I’ve often asked my mother when she came to wipe the sweat off my brow who was there. She never said. I must have seemed insane because I was pretty sure he was an image of my mind because I often dreamt of him. His black curly hair and demure look was constantly in my head. I never could shake his face from its burning image in my eyes. If I had to describe him, I guess I wouldn’t call him human…he was more like…a dragon. A dragon that appeared in human form in my head.

I am insane. My mother told me so.

I told her there was a dragon in my room and she smiled weakly and nodded and continued wiping my head. I swear he was there. The fever must be taking over my continuousness so much so that I could no long identify between reality and imagination. At one point during my delirium I heard him calling. His voice was both fire and ice and chilled me to the bone and filled me with warmth I have never felt before. Of course, I followed. I followed him to a forest and there I appeared in a red and black dress. People I have never met before yet knew were beside me. They obeyed my every command and whim. We were searching. And I knew we were searching for this dragon. He had all the answers. We ran through the forest and I came across a lake and suddenly I was alone. I walked slowly on the dock till I reached the very end. I jumped.

My mother was over me pulling me up out of the water from the bath tub. I gasped. She dunked me again and again till she was sure I was awake or otherwise alive. She took me back to my bed were I once again drifted in and out of consciousness.

I heard the dragon call again.

I saw him this time. He was in front of me in the gray expanse of the forest. He spoke and didn’t at the same time. I heard his voice yet his mouth never moved. He said,



For some reason it was my name even though I realized clearly it was not my name. He was calling me by my proper name. I had another name. Names… they mean so little to humans….

I caught myself. I just referred to humans as if I were not part of them. I stood there in my own revelation before I noticed the dragon had moved. He was holding out a letter stained brown by the time that has passed since it had been written. I shook as I held out my hand and slowly reached for it. The dragon’s eyes pierced into me like a sword yet I did not stop. I was supposed to read this. I had no sooner grasped the letter then I was back in my bed.

I looked down.

In my hand was the brown letter with a green seal. I slowly raised it front of my face and tugged at the dried wax. It gave away easily and soon I could make out letters.









I have been bitten by the dragon.

Hey! First review, whoo!
First of all, I really enjoyed this! Provided me with some really rich, great imagery. It sounds just like something I'd write! In my opinion this is pretty much perfect the way it is, but I'll try for some nit-picks:

I lay in bed while sweat soaked the cloth around my pillow and my tangled blond hair could no longer be recognized as locks of golden sunrise. The white sheets piled high were more like a prison then than a comfort as they rested heavily on my body and slowly tried to suffocate my movements.

I really like the "locks of golden sunrise", very nice description. You can really see the contrast between this girl whyen she was healthy and when she is sick, as she is now. I think that these two sentences are a bit too long to be one after another. You could probably break them down a bit to make them sort of flow better, e.g. add commas etc. Perhaps you could change it to "....a comfort as they rested heavily on my body, slowly trying to suffocate my movements."

He looked unlike anyone I have had ever seen before, in fact, it would be more proper to say unlike anything I have ever seen before. He always wore black and had a red neck tie that I could not say was any specific pattern of material. He seemed ethereal.

This was a very nice description. I really like your writing style, you put in just enough description but not too much. Myabe in the first sentence here you could make it something like "he looked unlike anyone I had ever seen before, OR PERHAPS it would be more proper...". The sentence sounds nice as it is but I think this would sound better. Also, I'm not quite sure what exactly you were imagining when you said "red neck-tie" but to me this doesn't quite seem to fit - this story seems very archaic, like set in the time of King Arthur's Camelot or something, and so the red neck-tie seems too modern. Just a thought.

I am insane. My mother told me so.

I really like the way this sentence stood on its own, and how girl was calmly stating the fact, furthur convincing the readers of her insanity.

The fever must be taking over my continuousness did you mean "consciousness"? so much so that I could no longer identify the difference between reality and imagination.

Just pointing out a few errors above.

His voice was both fire and ice and chilled me to the bone and filled me with warmth I have never felt before.

There are a bit too many "and"s in this sentence, same with

I told her there was a dragon in my room and she smiled weakly and nodded and continued wiping my head

Maybe break up the sentence a bit by breaking it into two sentences or adding commas or semi-colons, as I said before.

I just referred to humans as if I were not part of them. maybe "as if I were not one of them" would make more sense

He was holding out a letter stained brown by the time that has passed since it had been written.

I can see what you mean here, but when I first read it it didn't make sense. Perhaps change it to something like "he was holding out a letter, stained brown with age."
A few other nit-picks:

They obeyed my every command and whim.

I walked slowly on the dock till until I reached the very end. I jumped.

I looked down.

In my hand was the brown letter with a green seal. I slowly raised it front of my face and tugged at the dried wax. It gave away easily and soon I could make out letters.

I have been bitten by the dragon.

I just pointed this bit out because I think that it's a perfect ending. Don't change it.
Overall I really liked this! It gripped me from the start and your writing style is really good. If you write another part to this story I'd love to read and review it. Hope this review helped!

Djinn.

Well, this was certainly interesting of you to write. :] In fact, I don't think I've read anything quite like it before. Perhaps the thing I enjoyed most was the fading in and out of reality. You seemed to have quite a firm grasp on the idea, and molded it into something interesting. You had the general differentiation between consciousness and subconsciousness. In this piece I could see you were attempting to smudge up the line so that these two forms of awareness became almost as one. I could see strong hints of this being properly executed, but something about the way you went about it merely seemed "almost there" to me. And I can't quite seem to place my finger on what or why.

You seemed to be having quite a bit of trouble with the tensing and such of your words. There was a lot of little spelling and grammatical errors scattered throughout this that I found quite distracting as I read through. Your voice was there, and you seemed to have a sturdy direction with your writing and the telling of this story, but there was so much clouding your words. I just found myself wanting to pick up a permanent marker and start correcting what I was reading down the way. I think it'd be wise of you to go back through and maybe fix these general errors. They're really not hard to spot at all, and it would only benefit this piece.

I had no sooner grasped the letter then I was back in my bed.

This would sound best rewritten as, "No sooner than I had grasped the letter was I back in my bed." There were many instances as I was reading along through where I could catch the gist of what you were meaning to say, but figured it might be better rewritten a different way. This was one of those instances.

He was holding out a letter stained brown by the time that has passed since it had been written.

This was a very vaguely, tiredly written description I think. Again, I could grasp what you mean, but it just sounds awkward to me for some reason. I really think you should look back at the way you decided to structure your sentences and descriptions. I get the sense that what you're saying is struggling to sound truly beautiful. In the opening of this story I could already catch that vibe. I would like to see it nicely executed, however.

As for your ending, I found myself a bit lost in translation. You have your narrator, who has been having these dreams of this fictitious dragon boy. It's a bit steamy and romantic. You make these dreams sound dangerous and captivating, like all her life is devoted to seeking out the mystery behind her almost tangible subconscious. Then you go ahead and make it tangible to her with this letter. This old letter, from the context of your story. When she opens it up it says "I have been bitten by the dragon." By this I want to assume you mean this black-haired boy she's always dreaming about? But when I think of this, my mind is telling me that shouldn't make sense. Wasn't he already a dragon? That's what you indirectly have the narrator say here:

If I had to describe him, I guess I wouldn’t call him human…he was more like…a dragon. A dragon that appeared in human form in my head.

So my next thought goes to the point of view of the narrator. Did you mean to say that she was bitten by the dragon? If so, what does this even mean? You've no indication to the reader whether this is a good thing, a bad thing, or a plain old alarming thing. I'm not sure what to think of it. And I can see plain as day that you were trying to leave it on a striking note, but to be frank, this truly didn't make any real sense to me. There wasn't enough in the context of your story for me to take anything away from this. This was one of your major flaws I feel.

Throughout reading this, I don't feel there was enough self awareness in the narration than I would have liked to've seen. I'm unable to really dig into what this girl thinks or how these alluring dreams effect her really. there's not a lot coming from her aside from the telling of this story. It's an interesting story, as I've already mentioned, but I do think there was a lot that was incomplete about this for me to be completely swept away. I think I'm in love with the idea of this being a first draft. I think what you have here is a great start to something awesome. I would love to see you take this somewhere more in depth and analytical. Be mysterious, but hold some logic. And try not to contradict yourself as you do so.

I suppose that's about all I really have to say as far as critique goes. Nice job though. I'd really like to see you build from this! If you have any questions or comments concerning my review, feel free to PM me. I know I tend to be a little all over the place with my thoughts. If something I said made little or no sense, don't be shy to point it out to me. ;]

-Smylin'

I don;t have anything constructive to say, I just wanted to tell you how much I liked this piece. It was something really unique, and I love how the reader is left wondering what happened. Did she simply die? Or is there something more going on and this is just the first layer? Bravo.