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Beauty and the Beast part 3



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Wed Oct 05, 2011 5:17 am
Leahweird says...



Spoiler! :
Okay, so I origionally was going to leave this a tragedy, but I eventually broke down and wrote a happy ending. Sorry Fiyero!
I really need comments on this portion the most. I need to know whether it's too much and I should just but a better conclusion on the last section and leave it ther. I have a weakness for making things turn out allright, and I want to make sure i'm not being too cliche or sappy. Thank you!


Read part 1 here viewtopic.php?t=88315
and part 2 here viewtopic.php?t=88421


Callie couldn’t even bring herself to be pleased that Ariadne and Theseus were spending most of the journey fighting. She told herself it was silly to be more miserable going back to Athens than away from it. Before, though, she had the hope that she could escape and return home, but now that wasn’t enough.

When they finally stopped on a little island between Crete and home, all she wanted was to be left alone. She charged off into the maze of trees and didn’t stop until she found a little tide pool. It reminded her so much of the fountain in the courtyard of the labyrinth that she couldn’t bring herself to leave. Sounds of laughter and music started to drift from the campsite she'd left behind, but she felt no desire to join in the festivities.

“I wanted to apologize for getting you involved.”

She hadn’t heard the man approach. She was going to ignore him anyway, but something about him captured her attention. Once she was looking clearly, it was hard to say why she’d immediately known he was male, he was so femininely beautiful. His body was very young, but something about him seemed terribly old. A maniacal gleam danced in his eyes.

“Lord Dionysos,” she breathed. The god of wine and rebirth.

“How clever you are. I don’t even have any of my things with me yet.”

He truly wasn’t wearing any of his ceremonial attire, but Callie suspected that if a god wanted you to recognize him, you were going to. To Callie's dismay he sat down beside her.

“As I was saying, our most powerful patriarchs are having a disagreement, and you are one of the mortals caught in the cross fire.”

She wondered why it seemed to matter to him. Deities seldom seemed to care about the consequences their actions had.

“It’s all about King Minos really. Zeus really likes him for some reason, but the rest of us hate his guts. Poseidon can’t go against Zeus, so he concocted this elaborate scheme to get his favourite hero Theseus involved. The King of Crete is going to lose a lot of respect now that a kid has slain of his major threats. So the king of the gods has sent me to make sure Theseus doesn’t gain anything from this adventure.”

Apparently the god of wine liked to talk. “How are you going to do that, may I ask?”

“By stealing away Ariadne.” He must have seen her scowl. “Don’t judge her too harshly. She knows she made a mistake trying to trade the brother who cared about her for a man she wanted to be loved by. She’s been paying for it ever since, believe me.”

Callie didn’t care anymore. If Dionysos wanted to woo the princess of Crete, it didn’t matter to her.

“If you hadn’t been there,” Dionysos continued. “I actually might not have had a chance with her, believe it or not. She could have been still in love with the Athenian brat. I suppose I should offer you some sort of reward.”

Callista shook her head. The god just smiled at her, his mad gaze sharpening. “Oh come now, surely there must be something.”

A sliver of hope pierced her chest. There really was only one thing she wanted.

“You couldn’t. It’s impossible.”

“I can do whatever I feel like. I am a GOD. Of REBIRTH. This should be easy. And Poseidon has gone to talk to the gods of death for me. I think he feels bad about ruining the poor boys life to punish a father who never really cared anyway.”

“You can really bring him back?” Callie cried.

“Assuredly. Of course, he won’t be the Minotaur anymore. I hope you don’t mind.”

“I just want him back. I don’t care how.” She was being careless, she knew that, but never in her wildest dreams had she anticipated this.

“Alright then, close your eyes.”

She almost couldn’t do it, fearing that the moment she looked away this would cease to be real. But she obeyed instructions. Within moments the wind picked up, and the sounds from the distant party suddenly became clearer. When she looked again the god was gone, but she recognized the figure in his place instantly despite the change.

“Callista?”

“Oh, it’s you. It’s really you!”

“I can’t remember how we got here. What happened?”

Bursting with Joy, she told him all that had happened. How she had lost him only to have him miraculously restored.

“I didn’t even get a chance to thank him properly,” she fretted.

“He probably knows already.”

“Divine intervention. It’s like something out of a story.”

“I still feel strange. What’s wrong with me?”

Callie just laughed. “Come and see!”

She led him to the edge of the tide pool. He stared at the water for awhile. He looked down at his hands and his chest. Back at the weak reflection in the dark water.

“That can’t be me.”

“It is!”

“But...”

“I know.” She reached up to touch his face. “You’re free now. No one else would recognize you now. You can go anywhere you want.”

“Come with me,” he said. Then he kissed her, and he didn’t stop kissing her. He had a lot of time to make up for as a human.
Last edited by Leahweird on Wed Oct 05, 2011 6:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Wed Oct 05, 2011 3:04 pm
apple96 says...



Hi

Love this <3

I'm glad they finally got their happy ending!

I only noticed a few mistakes with this but they should be very easy to fix:

When they finally stopped on a little island still quite a ways from home


Should this be still quite a way from home?


She tried to ignore it when sounds of laughter and music started to drift from the campsite she’d left behind


This was confusing for the reader as they can't tell whether the thing she is trying to ignore is the laughter or the tide pool, this could be reworded to make it less confusing.


so she just to hold still


She just held still or she decided to hold still.


Anyway appart from those it was great! Well done.

- apple96
  





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Wed Oct 05, 2011 6:01 pm
Leahweird says...



Fixed those errors, plus a few others I found. I really need to edit better.
  





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Sun Oct 16, 2011 1:54 am
Kale says...



I haven't read the first two parts, but after reading this, I think I just might. I'm a huge sucker for fairytales and Classical mythology, and I see here that you've combined both into one tidy little package.

I must say though that it looks like a very tidy little package from this little third. The only thing that I see could use a bit of tweaking is the pacing. Right now, it's a bit quick and not a lot of time is spent building up or focusing on emotions except for that one brief section where she closes her eyes. If you slowed things down a touch, dwelt a little (but not much) more on the emotions, this could wind up being not just a cute and happy ending but a truly emotional and happy ending. Making the emotional impact of a story involving tragic romance stronger is never a bad thing, after all. ;P
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Sun Oct 16, 2011 2:03 am
Leahweird says...



I'm glad you like it! I agree with your comments about my pacing. It's one of the things I have problems with on a regular basis. But practice make perfect, right? I plan to go back and clean up the whole story in my alleged free time.
  





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Mon Oct 31, 2011 1:11 am
831abrokengirl says...



Awh, I love a happy ending! Wonderful job, I enjoyed this so much. I had to read the original for english in eighth grade and I hated it but this made it so much more enjoyable. It's a nice mix of the two. You're an amazing and talented writer, don't ever stop.
  








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