Young Writers Society

In the stillness of the night, I creep closer toward the glow. I lick my muzzle. My aching stomach grows louder as I get closer. I can smell the humans sleeping; those humans killed most of my pack. I go into a low growl, slowly pulling up my muzzle to strike at them. Then, I hear a cracking noise in the distance.

“Oh no,” I thought. “The hunters found me!” I dash into the woods keeping to the shadows. Farther I run, trying to get away from the chase. A river unfolds in front of me and I am paralyzed. I can only imagine a death by water.

I stop and look into the river. It slowly grows darker as I look deeper. Every dark torrent whispers my name.

“I must find a way to get away,” I think.

Then they are upon me. Their dogs snarl and growl. I slash and claw at them in warning. The hair on the back of my neck stands up as I arch my back.

“Stop! Don’t hurt that wolf!” a tall man comes running up.

“Why? What gives you the power to tell us what to do?” asks one of the hunters.

“I am the person who owns the land your on,” he said as a boy comes running up. He takes out papers and shows the hunters. I slowly try to sneak away when the hunters dog growls. I growl back. Then, the man hits the dog in the neck.

“Tell your dogs to back off the wolf!” yelled the man.

The hunters grab the dogs and walk off into the woods. I look at the man and the human cub that stands next to him. The human cub gets closer and I let a low growl to warn him.

All of a sudden the dog comes dashing out striking me in the back of the neck.

“Let go of her!” yelled the human cub as he jumps at the dog pushing him into the water. The dog climbs out and jumps at the human cub.

“Ah!” he yelled. He started to bleed in his neck as the human man ran to him. I bare my teeth and attack the dog, an unlikely match for a lone wolf.

The hunters rush to the side of their beloved pooch as he bleeds to his death.

“How dare you! Your dog killed my son…” the tall man falls to the earth, weeping. Slowly I crouch backwards into the shadows of the forest.

“Maybe man is not as violent as they seem.”

Hello,

Your writing is fairly good.
But the dialog part of it, does indeed sound very childish. Not very sophisticated and doesn't really fit in with the story.
Maybe you could work on that.
I like the fact that you say "human cub", for me it just matches with the wolfs persecution of everything that is going on.
The story did go a little bit fast though, for what was happening in it.
Maybe put a little bit more description to the death of the two things.
And maybe scrap what the wolf is thinking... It doesn't sit right with the rest of the story.
Hope my opinion helps.
Happy writing to you.

-- Ever.

Hi!

Your story is really good--I like the way how you write the story through the wolf's perspective, though a little more detail describing what the wolf sees and feels would be a lot much better. And to tell the difference between each man talking, it would help a lot if you described their features so we know who's talking. But other than that the story is pretty good! Nice job!

Totally, awsome. But your grammer, no ofense, is horrible. You need to do a lot of revising. Take it to your English teacher, and ask for some help. And you need to make it much clearer about what's going on. Otherwise it rocked!

The only thing I don't like about this is in paragraph 2, where you put the thoughts in quotation marks. Usually, thoughts are in italics and putting them in quotation marks make it seem awkward and out of place. Second is how simplistic the writing is. Like above, the dialogue is just too simple and childish. You don't have good solid complex sentences. Another thing is the lack of detail. What color is the main character? Where is the glow coming from? Lack of backstory too-how did the rest of the pack get killed? How did the main character come to be tracked by hunters? Were the humans the main character was after hunters to? Why can the main character not cross water?
Other then that, really good piece. Keep writing.

-Alex, part time writer, part time scientist, full time Asylum Resident.
(yes, even when the nice men in lab-coats put me on probation.)

I wrote a the story over again, with more detail but. I hope its better! Its called Lone Wolf (Edited Version)