Young Writers Society

This is a short idea for one of my RP characters, please give me feedback of what I could improve. But I hope you enjoy! (If you like this, please press the like button)



Lance ran through the woods, the Garak sprinting behind him. He jumped over a fallen tree, trying to give the creature the slip. A giant snap echoed through the woods behind him as the Garak ripped through the tree as if it were only paper and continued its rampage after him.

Lance went around another tree and broke into a clearing filled with fallen trees. He jumped over several trees and got to the other side before the Garak broke into the clearing. The creature growled and started walking towards him.

The Garak stood roughly 9 feet tall, had narrow slitted eyes with purple pupils. It’s body was about the thickness of a tree trunk and had long arms with claws as long as my arm. Saliva dripped from its mouth, making small pools in its wake. Lance placed his hands in front of him, and spoke the words of the ancient language.

“Feira Adamanet!” A small whirlwind of fire surrounded him as a sword appeared in a flash of flame. Reivna was its name, and it was one of the only ones left of the Thirteen Swords of the Guardians of Theronas.

The Garak immediately understood the power difference, but didn’t seem like it cared. It lashed out at Lance with one of its claws and tore a tree trunk in half as Lance jumped over its arm. He brought Reivna up and summoned magic.

“Feira Valo!” he shouted. A fireball shot out of the end of the sword and towards the Garak’s face.

The creature roared in agony as the flame hit its mark, turning the Garak’s face soot black. It stumbled backwards, wiping at it’s face. Lance took this moment and charged towards the Garak. He side-stepped a wild swing and cut through its arm, leaving a huge gash.

Howling in pain, it went into a frenzy, swinging its arms wildly. Lance dodged a swing and spun the sword over his head, slicing in between the creatures calves. The Garak dropped to its knees as its legs gave out.

Lance raised Reivna and brought it down in an arc, decapitating the creature. Its body rolled to the side, as motionless as the forest around him. He recalled Reivna and turned away from the body.

Why did it chase me? Lance thought to himself. The Garak was the guardian of the sanctuary of The Thirteen Guardians. Something must have made it go insane.

Lance suddenly felt a presence across the clearing and saw a man. He was equipped in ice blue armor, had a two-handed sword strapped across his back, and steel ice eyes.

“Xalor...” Lance cursed under his breath. This might not be a fight he could win...

A very engaging scene, I must say. A few things bubbled up in my mind while reading this, though.
1) You said the Garak was "roughly 9 feet tall." Then you said you had to swing above your head to slash at the Garak's calves. Unless the Garak has disproportionatly long legs or Lance is only three to four feet tall, he should not have to swing a blade [two-handed or one-handed?] above his head to accomplish this.
2)Xalor. His introduction was interesting, the grammar just needed some tweaking.

He was equipped in ice blue armor, had a two-handed sword strapped across his back, and steel ice eyes.

I really thought this was a run-on sentence that could be much more entertaining and descriptive. This is what I might offer as a change:
"His plate armor looked as if it had been made out of ice. A long, two handed sword was sheathed on his back, the hilt peeking over his broad right shoulder. His steely, icy eyes were absolutely devoid of any care or kind thought. 'Xalor...'"
Besides these two things, I really liked the idea and I think this could almost be an excerpt from a fantasy novel. Well done.

Hello Jalmoc! It's been a while since I've read fantasy and it felt refreshing to read this! Something that I liked about this peace was the action in it. I would have liked it to be a bit more intense and developed, but it was fun to read all the same! I also liked some of the visuals:

A giant snap echoed through the woods behind him as the Garak ripped through the tree as if it were only paper and continued its rampage after him.

That was cool haha. Moving on...

So first off I would like to point out that you use a lot of commas. This isn't always a bad thing, but here I think it is. It sort of makes the sentences too choppy to really get into. I'm not going to talk too much more about it throughout the review, but keep in mind that a nice conjunction or two can work wonders in place of a comma. You could also cut up some sentences into multiple sentences, or even use a semicolon or two. Alright, so on to the review!

The Garak stood roughly 9 feet tall, had narrow slitted eyes with purple pupils. It’s body was about the thickness of a tree trunk and had long arms with claws as long as my arm.

This isn't bad as long as you don't do it too often. Using the same adjective twice, in the same sentence and only a few words apart can begin to wear on the reader. It's like seeing the same commercial every time the show goes on break.

Lance placed his hands in front of him, and spoke the words of the ancient language.

This is a place I saw where the comma is just unnecessary. In my experience, it is a rare thing to need an 'and' right after the comma. Try to only use one or the other and say the sentence out loud to feel how it comes off of your tongue.

Saliva dripped from its mouth, making small pools in its wake.

First off, this is not bad comma usage - I just have a suggestion: in my opinion, this sentence would look better without it. Try rewording the sentence like "Small pools formed in its wake as saliva dripped from its mouth" or "The saliva dripping from its mouth formed small pools in its wake". Once again, not bad comma usage. I just think that it would sound better without one.

It lashed out at Lance with one of its claws and tore a tree trunk in half as Lance jumped over its arm.

The way you describe this whole sentence came off as a little passive (haha not sure if I'm using the right word here... anywho). Try adding in some more action words and chopping up the sentence a bit to get it a chaotic feel. "Lance hurdled over the beast's arm as it made to strike out with its claws - the Redwood behind him wasn't so lucky." You see what I mean? I'm not sure that a dash is the best way to go, but that's just an example.

The creature roared in agony as the flame hit its mark, turning the Garak’s face soot-black.

So I added a dash here because whenever you have two connected adjectives describing an object, it requires a dash. For example: "The Jackal was ferocious and wild-eyed." or "You're a good-for-nothing husband!"

Well I hope that I helped! Remember, other readers may agree or disagree with some of the things that I have said; some of the stuff in reviews is just personal preference. So just do what feels right for you!

Keep Writing!
~HP

Any changes i make will be in the beastly color blue )



Lance ran through the woods, the Garak sprinting behind him. He jumped over a fallen tree(what type of tree?), trying to give the creature the slip. A giant crack echoed through the woods behind him as the Garak ripped through the tree as if it were only paper and continued its rampage after him.

Lance went around another tree and broke into a clearing filled with fallen trees. He jumped over several trees and got to the other side before the Garak broke into the clearing. The creature growled and started walking towards him.

The Garak stood roughly 9 feet tall, had narrow slitted eyes with purple pupils. It’s body was about the thickness of a tree trunk and had long arms with claws as long as my arm. Saliva dripped from its mouth, making small pools in its wake. Lance placed his hands in front of him, and spoke the words of the ancient language.

“Feira Adamanet!” A small whirlwind of fire surrounded him as a sword appeared in a flash of flame. Reivna was its name, and it was one of the only ones left of the Thirteen Swords of the Guardians of Theronas.

The Garak immediately understood the power difference, but didn’t seem like it cared. It lashed out at Lance with one of its claws and tore a tree trunk in half as Lance jumped over its arm. He brought Reivna up and summoned magic.

“Feira Valo!” he shouted. A fireball shot out of the end of the sword and towards the Garak’s face.

The creature roared in agony as the flame hit its mark, turning the Garak’s face soot black. It stumbled backwards, wiping at it’s face. Lance took this moment and charged towards the Garak. He side-stepped a wild swing and cut through its arm, leaving a large gash.

Howling in pain, it went into a frenzy, swinging its arms wildly. Lance dodged a swing and spun the sword over his head, slicing in between the creatures calves. The Garak dropped to its knees as its legs gave out.

Lance raised Reivna and brought it down in an arc, decapitating the creature. Its body rolled to the side, as motionless as the forest around him. He recalled Reivna and turned away from the body.

Why did it chase me? Lance thought to himself. The Garak was the guardian of the sanctuary of The Thirteen Guardians. Something must have made it go insane.

Lance suddenly felt a presence across the clearing and saw a man. He was equipped in ice blue armor, had a two-handed sword strapped across his back, and steel ice eyes.

“Xalor...” Lance cursed under his breath. This might be a fight he couldn't win...

So since you say this was an introduction to your Rp character, you say that this wasn't really intended as a story per se -- in that case, I'm going to treat it mainly as an experiment in style and battle writing.



I didn't feel it. You do not engage enough of my senses, giving spatial and visual descriptions rather than visceral ones. The fact that the Garak stood "roughly 9 [sic] feet tall" doesn't do anything for me. I see a figure that is nine feet tall and I see it in the words you're describing it, such that my mind has no blanks left to fill. That's not good. The point of writing such as yours is to engage the reader in it, to drop them into a fantasy world and immerse them in action. Your descriptions, instead, were clinical and calculated, like a scientist observing an experiment. Or an IKEA manual. How about a gust of wind chasing after the main character after the Garak busts through the tree? Maybe pieces of tree bark hitting his back? What does the Garak smell like? And don't tell me these things. Make me feel them. Don't tell me "it smelled like roses and corpses". Instead, maybe have the Garak hide for a minute, and mention the main character smelling roses and corpses in the vicinity. You know, something. Work it into the narrative, don't just drop descriptions on me.

Second, what the heck was the point of this? If Lance had the ability to kill this Garak thing all along, why didn't he in the beginning? I'm guessing that maybe this Garak thing isn't actually always evil and there's some sort of a taboo connected to killing them. If that's the case, then why did Lance kill it? He didn't seem to be in *that* much trouble, he wasn't pinned by the Garak to the ground or anything. There's no stakes, no explanations. All these things can be implied through text, even if you don't want to go into them in detail.

Third, what's up with the sudden POV switch? You narrate the whole story in 3rd person, and then I hit this:

It’s [sic] body was about the thickness of a tree trunk and had long arms with claws as long as my arm.

Your arm? The author's arm? Or is there a second person present at the scene who's narrating it, and we aren't aware of them? If this was a post-modernist piece, this would've been a touch of genius. For a fantasy work, however, it's just clumsy writing.

This needs polishing, big time. There's nothing at stakes, no character development (and don't start telling me that this is too short to develop characters -- in prose, there's always space). Even the guy's weapon doesn't seem that cool, given how inconsistent his use of it is. So, while it might work as a one-off exercise, if this were a story, I would not read it.

Your Garak,
cC

I absolutly love the concept, but the grammer did need a little tweeking (But who am i to talk about grammer). I like the use of magic and magic words, is there a constructed vocabulary for making these "spells" or is it just all made up? I do kind of wish you would have gone into more detail when describing the character and also the Garak; maybe even the sword. But other than that i loved the story. If this were to be published, i would definetly read it.
5/5

Sincerely,
Lesley