Young Writers Society

Once upon a time there was a young man who lived with his uncle and aunt. His relatives were poor, but they were the boy's only relations, and so they grudgingly took care of him. The boy's uncle worked at the local mill, but he was a drunkard, and most of the money he made was spent on alcohol. One day, the boy's uncle was fired from his job at the mill, and began to take out his anger on the boy.

The boy, sensing the danger he was in, began to wish with all his might. All his concentration was focused on being invisible, passed over by his raging uncle. Suddenly, the boy's uncle became confused; he was attacking a space of empty air. The boy was ecstatic. Sensing that his uncle could not see him, he went to the market and found that he was able to obtain items without anybody ever seeing him or looking in his direction. He found an abandoned building and used what furnishings he could find.

He lived in this fashion for many years, until he decided to begin a journey. He traveled for seven days and seven nights, until he arrived at a large castle. He watched the inhabitants and became enamored with the golden-haired princess who lived there, along with her mother and father. He wished desperately that she could see him, or understand him in any way - for how could he persuade her to love him if he could not interact with her? One day, she perceived him, and after a comment to her minder, she discovered that no other person could see him. They spoke at length for many days, as they were both similar in their loneliness. He could not be seen, and she was always the princess, not the girl to be friends with, but the royalty to bow down to.

One day a sorcerer visited the castle, and the princess spoke to him at length about the man who could not be seen. The sorcerer was old and wise, and had encountered the circumstances before. He told the princess that should the man marry his true love, he would become visible, but if his heart was broken, he would disappear forever.

That night, the princess was approached by the king, and told that a marriage had been arranged to the prince of a neighboring kingdom. The princess was saddened by the news, for surely the man's heart would be broken, and he would be gone from her life.

The man, however, was aware of the responsibilities of the princess, and was understanding of her plight. And so while he did not appear to the rest of the world, he did not disappear from the princess's sight, for he knew that he was loved by the princess.

So the princess was married to the prince, but the invisible man remained with her always. And while her first child was begotten of the prince, her second child was never seen by any soul other than two that were present at the birth - the invisible man and his princess.

The princess raised the visible child in public, although several servants questioned for the princess's sanity when she would speak to seemingly thin air. Her life continued like this, and it was easy, for the prince did not require her love, and she was with the man she did love. When the prince, then the king, died, she felt no great sorrow, for her invisible man was still with her, and so she was not alone. And when she died herself, nobody noticed the extra weight in the coffin, and nobody saw the unmoving body that shared her final resting place.

And what of the invisible child? He found an invisible wife, and their children's children's children just may be watching at this very moment, waiting for the one they love to notice them and set them free.

Note: I wrote this intending it to be in a folklore style. I haven't rewritten it enough to emulate the oral nature of the fable, however, so it's not perfect. I just got too excited not to share! The beginning started out as an idea for a Harry Potter fanfic that got away from me, so any similarities there are...not intentional, but acknowledged nonetheless.

EDIT: Better title now, and fixed some style issues. Thanks!

hmm not bad. I hated it at first until I realised the folk, round-the-campfire voice you wanted to emulate. It kind of reads like a fairy tale. Almost. Which is good. My only gripe is with the title. If you call your story The Invisible Man you realise you have stolen something - other than the title of course - from the classic by the same name. I really expected to see some influence from Wells at the least. It works against you because a lot of readers may feel deeply and intimately affected by the title. You may inadvertently uproot memories good or bad of the original. With a title like this, despite it's complete dislocation from the original, it still stirs recognition and doesn't provide you, the story teller, with a clean canvas, but rather an old worn which we expect you to paint a masterpiece on.

I really liked the story!
But you should definitely change the title.
Also, I think you should rewrite the first paraghaph. It is a litle bit confusing and repetitive. You know, those "the boy" and "the boy's relatives" or "the boy's uncle"... Try to change this, ok?
But despite that I found it really good.
Definitely sounds like a fairy tale (a cute fairy tale I should say). One I would tell my son, for sure!
Congratulations
Keep writing

As far as a new title goes, I like "The Man Who Could Not Be Seen," which is a line you use in your story when the princess goes to tell the sorcerer about him.

Overall, this is a good piece. It's a nice story, and I think you stay fairly true to the original fairy-tale style. So you achieved your goal there.

There are just a couple spots that are written in a weird way - maybe it's just because you were writing fast or whatever:

"His relatives were poor, but they were the boy's only relatives, and they grudgingly took care of him." Having "relatives" here twice sounds repetitive. You could change the second "relatives" to "relations," that would take care of it.

"The boy's uncle worked at the local mill, and was a drunkard." "But he was a drunkard" would make more sense here than "and was a drunkard."

"He found an abandoned building and used what furnishings he could find." This was kind of weird because, although we can deduce that he used the building as a home, you don't actually say that, and thus it sounds odd. "He found an abandoned building and made it his home, using what furnishings he could find" would work better."

There are a few more spots like that, but the only other thing I want to nitpick on is this. The boy was so easily able to make himself invisible by wishing very hard to be invisible, yet he couldn't reverse the situation by wishing not to be invisible? That's a little odd, to me. If you can find a better way for him to become invisible, or a better reason for him not to be able to reverse the problem, that would fix this.

But otherwise, I thought it was a lovely piece, a nice "modern" fairytale, and a beautiful little romance.

~Blue

I really liked reading this story. I loved how it ended happily, but not your usual ditch-the-arranged-marriage-and-marry-the-true-love thing. I caught on within the first sentence that you were using a traditional oral fairy-tale style, and you continued with it all the way through. Good job!
Write on, and God bless.

~DragonGirl11

I enjoy this. I'm glad I was able to read after you had made various improvements, and I can say with confidence that this is Alpha-grade work right here. As one poster already mentioned, I liked how you used the "Once upon a time..." Fairy tale storytelling method, which in my opinion, made this a more enjoyable quick read. Nice job!