Young Writers Society

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Afterlife
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Now Peter had been doing his job for a long time, and for the most part it was boring. Sure every now and then some really nasty excuse of a soul would appear and need to be cast out, but for the most part managing the gates of heaven was a dull job that consisted mainly of explaining that, yes you are dead, and no you cannot go back to haunt someone. Still on rare occasions there was a mix up – hey Angels aren’t perfect either – and someone got dropped off at the gates that were meant to go right through to wherever it was that they would be settled.

A young woman looked with wide green eyes at the pearly gates, mouth dropped open in shock and disbelief. One of the newer Death Angels – not the most imaginative name, he knew – standing by her side fidgeting. Upon seeing Peter the poor guy let out a breath.

“Uhm, I think I got the wrong person…” He whispered, “Because she doesn’t look like a Mr. Franky Milos…”

“Yes, boy, I figured such, oh well.” Peter shook his head, wondering silently just who it was training the newbies that this big of a mix up happened, “Well run off now and tell one whoever it is who’s training you about this and I’ll get the poor girl settled,”

Once he was gone Peter approached the women, who looked at him as though it was his fault that this was happening.

“This can’t be happening! I mean… it’s just a dream right? And at any moment now I’ll wake up back at home in my bed?” She pleaded, “I mean… This can’t be right, this isn’t the Summerland!”

Peter chuckled, “Sorry Darling, but this is real… Oh! You must be one of our Wiccan sisters, got ya, well come along,”

“Wait, if this is heaven then shouldn’t I be in hell?”

“Well, now let’s see,” Suddenly a book fell into his hands and he flipped through it, “Jeanette Rhoden, 24, practicing wiccan – grade A. Nope your good! Well better than good actually been a while since we had a grade A in anything come through,”

“Grade A?” She asked faintly, more than a little confused.

“Yup, see there’s a scale to everything here, and the grades are basically for how well you kept to whatever religion it was that you practiced rules and how much of a good person you were despite your religion,” He began, motioning for her to follow him as he walked down a path that went through the pearly gates and down, “Now see Heaven is just a vague concept, to put it simply, of where the good place is that you go after death, for you it’s the Summerland, and for Christians it’s your general ideal of heaven.

“Now ‘Hell’ I’ll admit, I don’t know much about, and I don’t care to. If you’re a particularly nasty soul, with either no grade or a D/F you can be cast out. Now Atheist, they get the chance to be reborn so long as they weren’t the nasty ‘Fuck Religion’ and god hating ones. Those that simply didn’t believe and left it at that? They’re actually ok people,” He stopped at the edge of a large clearing that was surrounded by lush forests. The dim tinkling of a far off creek could be heard intermingled with the happy voices singing and laughing, some chanting, as they danced and loved around the giant bonfire set in the middle of the clearing.

Jeanette seemed lost for words, her mouth opening and closing several times giving her the appearance of a fish out of water, “It’s so… so… beautiful,”

“Yup, now run along and join them, Darling, I’ve got to get back to my post,”

I really liked the message you portrayed with this story. The writing was good, but I like how you decided to tie in message with it. Great job, can't wait to see more of what you write.

My sisters BF just wrote a big post but he's going to post it on his account. I logged him out

managing the gates of heaven was a dull job that consisted mainly of explaining that, yes you are dead, and no you cannot go back to haunt someone.

Good start.

pearly gates

cliche. Be a little more original pearly gates is worn to the thread. you have to be careful about cliches like this, it really jolts the reader from your grip.

looked at him as though it was his fault that this was happening.

Show us. Please show us. You tell us exactly what is happening but not how it looks, you don't incorporate many sense in this piece - understandably - but you can still show us the look a little better.

“Grade A?” She asked faintly, more than a little confused.

“Yup, see there’s a scale to everything here, and the grades are basically for how well you kept to whatever religion it was that you practiced rules and how much of a good person you were despite your religion,” He began, motioning for her to follow him as he walked down a path that went through the pearly gates and down, “Now see Heaven is just a vague concept, to put it simply, of where the good place is that you go after death, for you it’s the Summerland, and for Christians it’s your general ideal of heaven.

‘Fuck Religion’

Wow. This came out of nowhere. Change the rating or change Fuck to something a little bit more fitting, less distracting.

a fish out of water

cliche.

This is a pretty good premise and not a bad story. It does have it's faults and the writing isn't that good yet. You need to show a little more and work through the clichés.

You have written a nice little piece here. I like your portrayal of the afterlife, as well as your touch into religion. What I don't like is the fact that the story isn't that well structured in the context of it needing a bit more substance. Your descriptions are not too bad and there is a clear plot. You have also kept things nice and light; I felt slightly happier after reading your story.

Now, for the less pleasant part: grammar.
I have made some changes. Any explanations are in brackets [ ].
Now Peter had been doing his job for a long time, and for the most part, [this comma helps the flow of the sentence] it was boring. Sure every now and then some really nasty excuse of a soul would appear and need to be cast out. But most of the time [it is best not to repeat a phrasing in the same paragraph as it is tautology], managing the gates of heaven was a dull job that consisted of explaining that: yes you are dead and no you cannot go back to haunt someone. Still, on rare occasions, there was a mix up (hey, Angels aren’t perfect either) [narrations should be placed in parenthesis] and someone got dropped off at the gates when they were meant to go right through to wherever it was that they would be settled.

A young woman looked up [direction is important] with wide green eyes at the pearly gates [try something less clichéd], her mouth dropped open in shock. One of the newer Death Angels (not the most imaginative name) was standing by her side, fidgeting. Upon seeing Peter, the poor guy let out a breath.

“Um [correct spelling], I think I got the wrong person, [ellipses make works look amateur] ” he whispered, “because she doesn’t look like a Mr. Franky Milos. [you need to work on the correct grammar for dialogue (Edible English by Judy McLaughlin is great)”

“Yes boy, I figured such. Oh well.” Peter shook his head, silently wondering just who was training the newbie that caused this mix up. “Well run off now and let your superior know what happened. I’ll get the poor girl settled.” [reading sentences and paragraphs aloud can help you fix up the wording]

Once he was gone, Peter approached the women who looked at him as though it was his fault that this was happening.

“This can’t be happening! I mean… [you can ignore what I said earlier about elipses if you use them correctly in speech like here] It’s just a dream right? And at any moment now I’ll wake up back at home in my bed?” She pleaded, “I mean… This can’t be right, this isn’t the Summerland!”

Peter chuckled, “Sorry Darling, but this is real. Oh! You must be one of our Wiccan sisters. Got ya. Well come along.”

“Wait! If this is heaven then shouldn’t I be in hell?”

“Well, now let’s see.” Suddenly, a book fell into his hands. He flipped through it. “Jeanette Rhoden, 24, practicing wiccan, grade A. Nope, your good! Well better than good actually. It's been a while since we had a grade A in anything come through.”

“Grade A?” She asked faintly, more than a little confused. [all good here]

“Yup. See, there’s a scale to everything here and the grades are basically for how well you kept to whatever religion it was that you practiced and how much of a good person you were despite your religion,” He began. He motioned for her to follow him as he walked down a path that went through the gates and down [down to where? you need to be less vague], “Now see, Heaven is just a vague concept. To put it simply, it's where the good place is that you go after death. For you, it’s the Summerland, and for Christians, it’s your general ideal of heaven." [closing speech marks]

“Now ‘Hell’, I'll admit I don’t know much about, and I don’t care to. If you’re a particularly nasty soul with either no grade or a D/F, you can be cast out. Now Atheists [plural], they get the chance to be reborn so long as they weren’t the nasty ‘Fuck Religion [please use something less vulgar]’ and god hating ones. Those that simply didn’t believe and left it at that, they’re actually okay people.” He stopped at the edge of a large clearing that was surrounded by lush forests. The dim tinkling of a far off creek could be heard intermingled with happy voices singing and laughing, some chanting, as they danced and played around the giant bonfire set in the middle of the clearing.

"Jeanette seemed lost for words, her mouth opening and closing several times, giving her the appearance of a fish out of water [cliché]. “It’s so… So beautiful.”

“Yup. Now run along and join them, darling. I’ve got to get back to my post.”

Don't feel offended by my grammar corrections 'cause I'm a bit of a grammar Nazi! But that's what we're here for. The more you share your works on YWS and get good quality reviews, the better you'll get! We're all a bunch of lovely people (Except Snoink. Not really, Snoink is actually quite nice.) who are willing to help you improve your skills.

Even though this story has a rather small plot, it's clear and easy to understand. This story would go great as a little extra on the end of a novel that includes Peter as a minor character. By itself, it's still great. Great work!

-The annoying figment of your imagination: jaetwee

Hi

I found this really interesting to read. It showed the belief of different religions all being just different paths to the Divine. It really is a lovely message to incorperate into your writing.

I have to agree with some of the above comments about the parts which were too cliche (even for me and I love cliches - yes I know I'm strange).

- apple96

I really liked the idea and the plot of your story.

"Once he was gone Peter approached the women."
It should be 'woman'.

“Grade A?” She asked faintly, more than a little confused.
I think telling 'faintly' is enough. and there is no need to elaborate it.

Let's take a look at your story from another angle, shall we?



You are little Bobby, a Grade A Christian eleven years of age. You go to Church and all that. Then one sunny day your priest decides to rape you. You have a screwed up childhood filled with court trials where you have to ceaselessly repeat where Rev. Smith touched you, in the same room as him. Your family is near breaking apart because of the stress, and because of the legal system which takes ages to get a case through. You run out of money and are unable to complete the case, and the child molester is let out because the case took too long to get through court. At that tender age, you aren't yet capable of understanding the saying "God works in mysterious ways", and all you can think of is there's this great divine being who created the world and is capable of doing anything, but instead let the rape go on and let your child molester free. A messed-up childhood and adolescence ensues. Whoops, suddenly you aren't a Grade A Christian, and instead you're a "F-ck God" atheist. So what do you do?

Well, you become a friend of the court and help as much as you can in cases against child molesters. You stage anti-religious protests. You run a shelter for abused children. Once, when visiting a church to picket it, you see a child trying to escape a priest, because this is a cruel universe. You chase after that priest and you find a piece of wood and you beat him to death. You are then shot by the police for resisting arrest, because in your mind, you did nothing wrong and -- in fact -- a heroic thing. So, what is this St. Peter going to say to you? "Oh, I'm sorry, but even though you did exactly what you thought was right and felt good for doing it, since you were a f-ck god atheist and a murderer, we can't let you into heaven. God sure has a good sense of humour, doesn't He? Well, off to Hell you go now."

An interesting dilemma. Here's another one.

You are Baron Vampyre Bloodscythe, a hardcore Satan worshipper. You were told from childhood that sacrificing people in Satan's name is right. You have no qualms with murder; you think you are doing the Lord's work as you plunge the sacrificial knife into the virgin's heart. The way you were brought up tells you it's the right thing to do. Your parents and your grandparents all did it. You have lots of fun worshipping Satan and feel as if your life is complete. You follow your religion perfectly and adhere strictly to its morals. You are a Grade A Satanist.

What does St. Peter say now?

I appreciate your effort to write a piece which reflects the tolerance of Christians. However, the problem with writing about Heaven and Hell is that the world is much more complicated than the black and white morality you give it. Factor in one more thing -- that Wicca as it's practiced today, with the Summerland and all that jazz -- was "interpreted" [read: invented] in the early 1900s and is more or less a provably manufactured religion. Does that mean that people who worship, say, shoelaces (because they feel like it) and follow their shoelace morals also get into Heaven? It's just such a many-pronged issue that it's impossible to tackle with such a definite answer that your piece seems to provide. Ultimately, I think that when writing a work like this, you should avoid the notions of good and evil (as Heaven and Hell seem to suggest) like the plague.

Your re-interpreter,
cC

This story was very interesting. I enjoy the idea of angels guiding souls into the nest great beyond a good subject to write about... And this was a great example of how great astory like this can be like. I enjoyed grading the souls on how strong there beliefs are and whether they were a good person. It kind of leaves you with a thought on what your grade would be if you were the one being guided into "heavan".
"Even angels aren't perfect" in of itself would make a great title/plot for a story don't you think?

Overall a great peice of literature...
5/5

Sincerely,
Lesley