Young Writers Society

Stomp. Stomp. Stomp.

"What could be stomping around at this time of night?" I say, standing up to walk to my window.

Oh, I see, you don't know who I am, do you?
I'm the lady who lives-- no. Not in the shoe. That's the little old lady.
I'm the lady who lives in the gingerbread house.
Oh, you haven't heard of it? That's a shame. Not many people have. Those who have pay admission to come and have a meal here.
I'm a quite good cook. But I'm better at making candy. Desert is my favoirte part of all those meals.

Ah, but yes, we were going to see who was stomping outside my door. It's two little children. Quite pudgy children.

Now, you might think that becuase I live in a house of candy, I would be pudgy. But no. I never eat candy. I would rather eat salads and fruit. Yes, strange, isn't it?

The children are licking my house. I wish people wouldn't do that. I much prefer them to wait nicely so I can give them something out of my pantry.

People are worse than ants in that regard.

I open the door, ready to shoo them away, like I do the crows that sometimes come around.

"Oh look!" the girl says, her mouth covered in the red food coloring of my lollipop door handle. "It's a little old lady!"
"Yum- yea!" says the boy, his face lighting up, as he continues to dig through my chocolate flower beds.
"Children, I beg of you, please leave. It isn't restraunt hours."
"Oh, but it is, Ms. Old Lady." says the girl, grinning wider.
"My name is not Ms. Old Lady." I reprimand. "Please, call me Gramm."
"Oh, I wish I could, but what Gramm would deny her children food?" the boy says, stepping closer, the melted chocolate dripping down from his mouth.

Now I feel bad. Children have a way of doing that to me. Well, butternut. What am I supposed to do now? I can't leave those poor things to starve on my lawn till morning.

I wave them over. "Come inside dearies. I will give you a meal, though it be against my judgement."

They run up to me eagerly, their faces happy. The girl has a red mouth, it almost looks like blood lining those sharp teeth. Interesting. Maybe I should change the name to Vampire Lollipops. I'll consider it tommarow.

The children come inside, looking around in wonderment. "What a big house... Gramm." The girl says, her face wearing a forced smile.

Why can't I shake the feeling that blood is sparkling on her lips, not lollipop?

The boys face is smiling too. Odd, he seems to have lollipop stains all over his shirt. Poor boy.

"Now Gramm, where's our first course?" asks the girl.
"Now Gretel. Don't get ahead of yourself."
"What? I'm hungry. Hansal, I want to eat now." the girls voice rose to a whinning pitch.

"Fine." The boy- Hansal sighs. He waves his hand. "Carry on."

As I watch, the girl starts morphing, sinking close to the ground. Her nose enlongating.
"Dinner time, Gramm," she whispers, and the werewolf girl named Gretel, pounces on my chest.

And I feel no more.

hey, wow, you have written an interesting story here, with lots of twists and suprises! You had a few typos in your short story and i wasn't very sure if you did it on purpose or what....i really loved reading your story, it was entertaining and with suspense. it is nice how you led the reader to think that the old lady was the evil one but it was amazing how you used a old fairytale and added some contemporary elements such as fantasy characters like werewolves. Again, i thought it was very well written and i think you should post more of these stories!

Well, this was an interesting take on Hansel and Gretel. :D

Minor grammatical corrections/words you could consider adding on to your sentences in the quotes are in red. Specific sentences that I talk about under the quotes are in bold.

DramaLlama wrote:"What could be stomping around at this time of night?" I say, standing up to walk to my window.

Oh, I see, you don't know who I am, do you?
I'm the lady who lives-- no. Not in the shoe. That's the little old lady.
I'm the lady who lives in the gingerbread house.
Oh, you haven't heard of it? That's a shame. Not many people have. Those who have pay admission to come and have a meal here.
I'm a quite good cook. But I'm better at making candy. Desert is my favoirtefavorite part of all those meals.

I wish there was a better transition between Gramm looking out her window to Gramm introducing herself. Also, I find the last two sentences very awkward compared to the others they way they're phrased. They're confusing. For example: "Better"...she makes candy better than what, exactly? I would rewrite these sentences like something like this: I'm quite a good cook. But, I'm best at making candy. And out of all the meals I make, desert is my favorite.

DramaLlama wrote:Ah, butyes, we were going to see who was stomping outside my door. It's two little children. Quite pudgy children.

Now, you might think that becuasebecause I live in a house of candy, I would be pudgy too. But no. I never eat candy. I would rather eat salads and fruit. Yes, strange, isn't it?

The children are licking my house. I wish people wouldn't do that. I much prefer them to wait nicely so I can give them something out of my pantry, instead.

DramaLlama wrote:People are worse than ants in that regard.

I open the door, ready to shoo them away, like I do to the crows that sometimes come around.

"Oh look!" the girl says, her mouth covered in the red food coloring of my lollipop door handle. "It's a little old lady!"
"Yum- yea!" says the boy, his face lighting up, as he continues to dig through my chocolate flower beds.
"Children, I beg of you, please leave. It isn't restraunt restaurant hours."
"Oh, but it is, Ms. Old Lady." says the girl, grinning wider.
"My name is not Ms. Old Lady." I reprimand. "Please, call me Gramm."
"Oh, I wish I could, but what Gramm would deny her children food?" the boy says, stepping closer, the melted chocolate dripping down from his mouth.

Cute! I like the descriptions of the children's faces and the dialog between them and Gramm. It would be really cool if you could describe the house more. :3 I also wish you could add some more hints right here to what the children really are, even though I know you start hinting a few sentences later.

DramaLlama wrote:Now I feel bad. Children have a way of doing that to me. Well, butternut. What am I supposed to do now? I can't leave those poor things to starve on my lawn till morning.

I wave them over. "Come inside dearies. I will give you a meal, though it be against my judgement."

They run up to me eagerly, their faces happy. The girl has a red mouth, it almost looks like blood lining those sharp teeth. Interesting. Maybe I should change the name to Vampire Lollipops. I'll consider it tommarow. tomorrow

Change what name to Vampire Lollipops? What is Gramm talking about? Explain more.

DramaLlama wrote:The boy's face is smiling too. Odd, he seems to have lollipop stains all over his shirt. Poor boy.

"Now Gramm, where's our first course?" asks the girl.
"Now Gretel. Don't get ahead of yourself."
"What? I'm hungry. Hansal, I want to eat now." the girls voice rose to a whinning whining pitch.

"Fine." The boy- Hansal sighs. He waves his hand. "Carry on."

As I watch, the girl starts morphing, sinking close to the ground. Her nose enlongatingelongating.
"Dinner time, Gramm," she whispers, and the werewolf girl named Gretel, pounces on my chest.

And I feel no more.

Can you make it clearer who's talking in the first bold sentence? What I mean is adding on something like "the boy replied". Also, it would be great if you could describe more about how the girl starts to morph into a werewolf. The second sentence about her nose getting longer seems totally random just sitting there all by itself. I think you should add on more descriptions, or take that sentence out completely.

I liked this! Present tense actually worked out pretty well in this story. But, make sure to proofread and spell check next time. This draft is rough; some sentences could also be rephrased and improved here and there.

Nice idea, thanks for the read-

Kae

I really like the posture of the story. I like how you added a twist to your ending, although i think that you wanted to rush the ending. For example:

Larry and me wanted to be best friends, althogh he died early so I never got to speak to him, the end.

this isnt your story but i just made it up, perhaps with theh example you can make it that the narrorator wanted to be really go freinds and she couldnt take it so she killed herself to be with Larry. Thats a carry on story, a crry on is where you think it is going to end but you add a twist to it, i am not going to repeat the whole story or carry on the whole story im jjust going to add some things to the example.

Larry and me wanted to be best friends, althogh he died early so I never got to speak to him. But when I thought about it I took my dagger that I got in China and thought that I could get a friend for once in the unreal world. Last but not least I made my point, suiside. I took the knife and thumbbled it into my chest as i fell to the ground in pain. I felt my sould fly up into haven and saw Larry there with a big steaming pot of friendship waiting for me....

So thats what i mean. I dont mean to be harsh but I just think that its better that way in your story. Thanks and i hope you enjoyed my comment!

Pixie~