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Young Writers Society


The Little Match Girl



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Gender: Female
Points: 891
Reviews: 24
Fri Sep 09, 2011 11:21 pm
DaughterofEvil says...



I needed money to get a loaf of bread.


"Won't you buy some matches?"

People wouldn't turn around for me...

If only to freeze my hope, my body trembled in the cold.
Asking for a little warmth,
I lit a fire at the tip of a match.

I could see a vision of my grandmother swaying before me.
Hey, charm me with a recollection of absolute bliss.
The yellow phosphorus creates a flame which warms up my body and soul....

When I return to reality, there's loneliness over the unsold items.

Until all these matches are sold,
my father won't let me eat anything.
There's just no way I'm going to be cold and hungry....


I lit my house on fire with my father waiting inside.



Come on, burn with anguish a thousand-fold!
Because I burned down the house I was brought up in, I bought a loaf of bread with some coins.

They won't let me off for that serious crime.
My body is bound.
At my feet, the executioner lit a fire.

I just wanted to eat a loaf of bread...
They couldn't even allow that.
The yellow phosphorus creates a flame which burns my body and soul away to nothing, while grandma welcomes me home.
Last edited by DaughterofEvil on Sat Sep 10, 2011 4:08 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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5 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1090
Reviews: 5
Sat Sep 10, 2011 2:18 am
MaryQuiteContrary says...



Yikes! I certainly feel bad for the girl in the story, but I think she may have taken things too far. The desperation is evident. I would have liked her to have seen the image of her grandmother smiling in the second set of flames, welcoming her home, or something.
-=Mary Mary Quite Contrary=-
  





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Points: 1332
Reviews: 15
Sat Sep 10, 2011 2:16 pm
HereBeMonsters says...



Here we go, first post!

I really enjoyed the simplicity of this story, as if these were the girl's final thoughts before her execution itself, which I think is helped by the slightly disjointed way you've written it, with the short sentences and the character's thoughts seemingly darting from one idea to the next.

I don't see any problems on the grammar and spelling front, and as a self-contained story it works well; obviously it could be made longer, but frankly, I enjoy it as it is.
  





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563 Reviews



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Points: 13816
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Tue Sep 13, 2011 11:45 pm
Writersdomain says...



Hi there DaughterofEvil! I'm WD, here to review your story!

So, as has been said, this is lovely in parts because of its simplicity. You have a way at landing short sentences that are beautiful, and I like it! Your way of weaving sentences is fun, and I like the writing style you are implementing here. However, I feel that I'm not really emotionally invested in this. I feel there is not enough character. Now, I don't think you should sacrifice your style or the simplicity. Your way of relaying details is great. I think it just might be time to think about what details are important.

Right now the match girl feels distant; I get a brief window into her thoughts but not enough to really understand or relate to her. She has no physical presence, really, and very little emotional substance. I find myself wondering: where exactly is she? How does she feel? How does this manifest physically? How does she move? What is she doing? What does she see? Thinking about these questions are vital when trying to immerse someone in a story. Right now the story has some of the right words, but it doesn't draw me in and it doesn't really leave an impact on me. Especially since this is a retelling, I would suggest taking the time to really get to know this character and not be afraid to make her personal. I think that will help this story a lot.

I hope this helps! If you want me to elaborate on any of this, please just let me know. Keep writing! And feel free to contact me if you have any questions.
~ WD
If you desire a review from WD, post here

"All I know, all I'm saying, is that a story finds a storyteller. Not the other way around." ~Neverwas
  





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107 Reviews



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Points: 8102
Reviews: 107
Wed Sep 14, 2011 4:31 am
EnchantedPanda says...



Hello DaughterofEvil,

First of all thank you for the review on my contest entry, it was very appreciated and I was pleased to here your opinion and I will definitely be taking your ideas into account and I will probably be editing it pretty soon! Don't be surprised if you log on and it is different, I'm just like that! Okay now on with the review and a few teeny little nit picks that I have, please don't be offended by this review. I thought this story was great and anything I say is just a suggestion.

First of all, I was very surprised at what happened it was such a dramatic twist and it wasn't what I expected to see coming around the corner at all. I liked it a lot, it was such a creative way to make this story and I thought it was honestly amazing. The twist was easily the best part of this story. You should definitely try this with a few more fairy tales, I bet you'd do great with some more Hans Christian Andersen tales because you did excellently with changing this one and I enjoyed reading this.

Next, I didn't think this really belonged in the 'Fantasy Short Stories' forum. To me this was more like a poem or something that belonged in the 'Other forum'. But it depends on how you look it it I suppose. That's probably just me and no one else has brought it up so I think it is probably just my perception and not a fault of your own, but it is something I suggest you consider for next time.

Finally, I don't think you went into much detail about the girl or the setting. This is usually a good way to introduce that character and set the scene rather than just begin creating the problem straight away. Again, that might just be me but I do think it is a wise idea to describe how everything looks first of all and then describe how it actually is. It is just something that I personally like in a story...

Overall this was really nice and I liked the interesting ideas and the down to earth, style that you wrote with. Generally there are areas you can improve on but I still think this was a good story. If you have any questions or you would like another review than please Pm me or post it on my wall. Thank you very much, I enjoyed reading this story so much and you have a talent.

From DreamingForever
  





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Points: 4893
Reviews: 99
Wed Sep 14, 2011 8:07 pm
babymagic18 says...



I don't mean to sound rude but honestly this sounds like you took this from somewhere. I swear I have heard a story just like this before in a childrens story. Other thank that it was good.
  








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