Young Writers Society

Hello everyone. I was recommended here by a friend saying this is the best place to get opinions on written works seeing as I hope to become an author at some point. I got the idea when we were set the task of creating an original piece based of either 'Harry Potter and the Philosophers/Sorcerers Stone' or 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland'. I chose Alice because everyone else selected Harry and I wanted my work to stand out. The idea came from a friend who had recently watched the movie 'Zombieland'. I may plan on continuing this work and submitting it to a publisher. But untill then this is what I came up with. It was written in quite a short time to be honest but I'm not sure if that has worked to my advantage.

Alice’s Adventures in Zombieland

Alice was falling. The rabbit hole led to a great drop, either the hole was extremely deep, or she was falling very slowly. She passed many bizarre things on her descent, such as cupboards and other furnishings, Alice was also very certain that she saw an empty jar labelled “ORANGE MARMALADE”. After what seemed like forever, Thump! Down she came upon a heap of sticks and dry leaves, and the fall was over.
Alice was not a bit hurt, and she jumped up on to her feet in a moment: she looked up, but it was all dark overhead: before her was another long passage, but the White Rabbit was nowhere in sight. “I should think that my fall must have slowed me down a great deal” Alice thought to herself. She hurried down the passage, there was not a moment to be lost, she needed to catch up with him, “and when I do I shall have to ask him where on earth I am!” Alice said aloud to herself “And I should be quick about it too or I may miss supper to-night” she added. The corridor went on for some while, but the queerest thing about it was the smell, it was the aroma of rotten fruit. Alice was not familiar with it but she knew it couldn’t be coming from something pleasant. It was at this moment she realised that there was absolute silence. The passage was decorated with such elaborate designs, there were the most beautiful paintings you could hope to see and elaborate ottomans next to grand sideboards. There seemed to be an ominous atmosphere in the passage which made Alice very uneasy. She walked very cautiously in case something jumped out on her “You should know that there are no such thing as monsters at your age!” A voice inside Alice’s voice told her. This didn’t ease her thoughts though. As she made her way down the exceedingly long passage she heard a faint sound in the distance, and she was certain it was someone playing the piano. (Alice wasn’t very knowledgeable in music but she was sure it was one of Ludwig van Beethoven’s pieces, possibly the “MOONLIGHT SONATA” but Alice could only guess). She decided she should go and find the source of this noise at once “My, that music does unsettle me so!” she thought.
She made her way through the hallway which ended at a large door. She approached the door and slowly opened it. As she entered the room she saw him, the White Rabbit was with his back to her playing a grand piano, decorated with elaborate golden designs and made of such beautiful dark oak, she approached him and said quietly “Excuse me sir?”, the moment she ended her speech the music stopped “well at least I now know where that music was coming from” Alice thought, and he turned to her with an expression of absolute terror on his face. As he saw Alice his eyes widened and he let out a terrified yelp causing him to fall off the chair (and Alice to jump). He stumbled awkwardly to his feet and Alice noticed that he was shivering “maybe he is cold, with him wearing so little I ca’n’t understand whom wouldn’t be” Alice thought. The Rabbit spoke quietly and with a stutter.
“I-I d-didn’t think an-nyone w-was l-left.”
“I’m sorry” Alice said as politely as she could “but I haven’t the slightest idea what you are talking about!”
“G-gone, all g-gone” it stuttered
“Please, you are starting to frighten me, what is all gone?”
“Ev-veryone, I must g-go now, before those things g-get to m-me” he added as he paced to the door. He reached into a small umbrella stand next to the door which Alice hadn’t noticed as she came in and pulled out a stuffed, pink flamingo and handed it to Alice “Use it to f-fend them off, I’m dreadfully sorry but i-it’s too late” (he pulled out he pocket watch as he said this and Alice was positive it was broken) “Just find a w-way out” and on these words he left in a run leaving Alice frightened and confused. “What on earth was he talking about” she asked herself “I should follow him” and she did just that, she left the room and headed down the corridor and heard a blood-curdling scream, The White Rabbit was in trouble she ran still clutching the Flamingo and saw the most horrifying sight she had ever seen. There was a man wearing a tall top hat, he was uttering a depressing soulless moaning sound, his arms were outstretched like some sort of ghoul and his eyes, they were misted over with a milky whiteness, Alice screamed in absolute terror but this got the attention of the man. He started towards Alice, slowly; his arms still out stretched like some sort of hungry ghost, his fingers were clenching like he was trying to grab her, without thinking, Alice swung the flamingo…

Wow i wanted to read more and in my opinion I believe they should have made this originally a zombie movie instead of the children's cartoon it was good job, I say add to it :]

Hello! Here to review.

Roza wrote:
“I-I d-didn’t think an-nyone w-was l-left.”

“I’m sorry” Alice said as politely as she could “but I haven’t the slightest idea what you are talking about!”

“G-gone, all g-gone” it stuttered

“Please, you are starting to frighten me, what is all gone?”

“Ev-veryone, I must g-go now, before those things g-get to m-me”

I really don't like the stuttering going on there. It's okay a couple of times, but not that much. But that's just me. I can't stand it in real life. I understand he was scare, but still.

Roza wrote:The passage was decorated with such elaborate designs, there were the most beautiful paintings you could hope to see and elaborate ottomans next to grand sideboards.

Lovely imagery there, darl'n! Keep it up~

I like this. Yup, write more. And if you plan on making this a novel, move this to Fantasy Novels.

kbai~

Good job. Keep writing.

- Ariel♥

Hi Roza!
I'm here to review as requested

Before I go on, I'll say that this was a little bit hard to read because there was no space between the paragraphs. Usually on YWS people separate the space between the paragraphs even though there's already a gap if you've got line spacing on (like me). It just helps readability a little bit Don't feel discouraged though!

And before I go on, if you haven't introduced yourself in the welcome area (community>welcome area on the black bar), do it! I've been on YWS for a month and I already have quite a few friends which I met when I introduced myself

Things I liked

Alice’s Adventures in Zombieland

Yes, you read it. That is the title, which is a good sign! I know it's a parody, but I know that the original title is 'Alice's adventure in Wonderland' (let's call it some sort of heaven). This one is set in some sort of... hell

There seemed to be an ominous atmosphere

Please... don't scare me! XD

This didn’t ease her thoughts though.

Uh oh... this must be a gut feeling... and that's not good...

As she made her way down the exceedingly long passage she heard a faint sound in the distance, and she was certain it was someone playing the piano.

You've got all the kind of things that would scare me here! I'd like to see a bit more emotion though. I want to FEEL that she's scared and I want to see how it affects her. Freak me out... you've got all the things that can, just expand on it!

decorated with elaborate golden designs and made of such beautiful dark oak,

Nice description!

pulled out a stuffed, pink flamingo

I feel like shouting WTF and laughing XD I can't swear on YWS (except when one of the characters are talking) though.

here was a man wearing a tall top hat, he was uttering a depressing soulless moaning sound, his arms were outstretched like some sort of ghoul and his eyes, they were misted over with a milky whiteness

Lovely!

Things that need to be improved

Before I begin, apologies if I'm a bit harsh. It's unintentional XD

I notice that you make your sentences way too long. Try and vary them - especially in a scary scene, it can work wonders sometimes. For example:

“Ev-veryone, I must g-go now, before those things g-get to m-me” he added as he paced to the door. He reached into a small umbrella stand next to the door which Alice hadn’t noticed as she came in and pulled out a stuffed, pink flamingo and handed it to Alice “Use it to f-fend them off, I’m dreadfully sorry but i-it’s too late” (he pulled out he pocket watch as he said this and Alice was positive it was broken) “Just find a w-way out” and on these words he left in a run leaving Alice frightened and confused.

If you want to know if a sentence is too long and you can't tell, try saying it aloud. You could just add some punctuation to help too

-

As I said before, I would like to see a little bit more emotion from Alice. Not what she's thinking, but how she's feeling and how she's reacting to this. For example:

She walked very cautiously in case something jumped out on her

I think that last bit of the sentence is unnecessary. It's pretty obvious why she's doing that, but remember, it could also be fear as well too. We don't need to know everything, just enough to understand most things and fill the gaps where needed (although the answer to fill in the gaps should be pretty obvious)

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“You should know that there are no such thing as monsters at your age!” A voice inside Alice’s voice told her.

I can totally understand this but... I think what would've been better is if she's thinking 'Monsters... don't... exist' but yet she's frightened. It'd give a little more suspense to it too

-

(Alice wasn’t very knowledgeable in music but she was sure it was one of Ludwig van Beethoven’s pieces, possibly the “MOONLIGHT SONATA” but Alice could only guess)

Unneeded. It doesn't really add much and not everyone knows it. If you want to keep it though, it could be 'an eerie piece of music' or something. I don't know the piece myself so I can't tell how it adds to the atmosphere, know what I mean?

-
I'm beginning to worry the above sounds harsh... if it is, I don't mean it! Anyway:

She approached the door and slowly opened it.

Let it creak open. We want to know what she can hear, taste, smell and feel as well as see in the description. You don't need to add it all the time, but where appropriate so it can add to the atmosphere

-
Finally:

without thinking, Alice swung the flamingo…

I know that she did it without thinking, but my instinct would be to run for it. Literally. I don't know how old Alice is supposed to be, but I think she'd run away too (along with many adults!). If you're not sure whether that's how they'd react, try imagining you're in their shoes and think about what you'd do (of course we'd like to think we'd do something as brave as that but most of us would be freaked out! We don't know where he came from so we'd want to run away.)

Overall
Overall, I think this has a lot of potential. It needs some work, but I think you can pull it off I don't recommend sending this to a publisher because it's not your own characters (fan-fiction in away) so it'd be pretty hard and you'll have a lot of legal stuff.
I pointed out where you need to improve up there, but feel free to PM (private message) me if you have any questions about my review. If you rewrite this, you can post a reply on the same page as this if you want. Just let me know if you do so that I can give you my thoughts.

Keep Writing! I hope I helped!
Mac (on behalf of Ahmadblues Reviews. Yes, I only said that because it just sounded cool and professional XD)

The writing immediately looks chunky to me. This is a huge turn-off, but your story seems promising, so I shall read on anyways.

Alice was falling. The rabbit hole had led to a great drop, either the hole was extremely deep, or she was falling very slowly. This is an odd thing to say - why would she be falling very slowly? perhaps: "The rabbit hole led to a great drop, one that seemed to never end." She passed many bizarre things on her descent, such as cupboards and other furnishings,(period) Alice was also very certain that she saw an empty jar labelled “ORANGE MARMALADE”. After what seemed like forever, Thump! I don't like this, it sounds awkward. "After what seemed like forever, Alice hit the ground with a thump." (or something) If you do keep it the way it is, "Thump" is not capitalized.Down she came upon a heap of sticks and dry leaves, and the fall was over.
I think the falling scene could have been longer. Allow us to hear what she's thinking, describe the things that are falling. Is the hold completely dark, or can she see the walls? I mean, if she can see things floating down with her, surely she can see the walls. Just a thought.

Alice was not a bit hurt, Strange order of words here and she jumped up on to her feet(period) in a moment: She looked up, but it was all too dark to see overhead:I'm not sure why you used a colon, but (even before) it's out of place. Change it to a period. Before her was another a long passage, but the White Rabbit This is the first time in this story you have mentioned the white rabbit. The reader will have no idea what you're talking about (of course, I'm sure they will because it's a spoof of Alice in Wonderland, but let's assume that they don't) Also, 'white rabbit' does not need to be capitalized. It's like saying "Jane noticed a Blue Bird sitting on the tree across the street", blue bird has no business being capitalized. was nowhere in sight. (new paragraph)“I should think that my fall must have slowed me down a great deal(comma)” Alice thought to herself. She hurried down the passage,(semi-colon) there was not a moment to be lost, she needed to catch up with him,(period) “and When I do, I shall have to ask him where on earth I am!” Alice said aloud to herself(period) “And I should be quick about it too, or I may miss supper to(tonight is one word - no dash)-night(comma)” she added. (new paragraph)The corridor went on for some while, but the queerest thing about it was the smell, it was the aroma of rotten fruit. Alice was not familiar with it(comma) but she knew it couldn’t be coming from something pleasant. It was at this moment that she realised that there was noticed the absolute silence. You drop the idea of the silence much too quickly. Describe it - how does it make her feel? Nervous? The passage was decorated with such elaborate designs,(period) There were the most beautiful paintings you could hope to see and elaborate Use a different word other than 'elaborate' here ottomans next to grand sideboards. There seemed to be an ominous atmosphere in the passage, which made Alice very uneasy. She walked very cautiously in case something jumped out on her(period) “You should know that there are no such thing as monsters at your age!” a voice inside Alice’s voice Inside her voice? I feel like you meant 'head', but even if you didn't, I would suggest using head. told her. This didn’t ease her thoughts though.(new paragraph) As she made her way down the exceedingly long passage, she heard a faint sound in the distance,(period) and She was certain it was someone playing the piano. (Alice wasn’t very knowledgeable in music but she was sure it was one of Ludwig van Beethoven’s pieces, possibly the “MOONLIGHT SONATA” but Alice could only guess). Sounds like she's knowledgeable with music to me. I'M not very knowledgeable when it comes to music, and I have no idea what piece she is talking about. She decided she should go and find the source of this noise at once(period) “My, that music does unsettle me so!” she thought.

She made her way through the hallway, [colour=#8040FF]and found herself facing a large wooden door.[/color] which ended at a large door. She approached the door and slowly opened it. As she entered the room she saw him,(period) The white rabbit was with had his back to her as he played playing a grand piano, decorated with elaborate I find that you use 'elaborate' too much. Here, try using something like "intricate" golden designs and made of such beautiful dark oak,(period) She approached him and said quietly(comma) “Excuse me sir?”,(no comma here) The moment she ended her speech(comma) the music stopped(period) “Well at least I now know where that music was coming from(comma)” Alice thought,(period) and he The white rabbit turned to her with an expression of absolute terror on his face. As he saw Alice his eyes widened(comma) and he let out a terrified yelp(comma) causing him to fall off the chair (and Alice to jump). He stumbled awkwardly to his feet, and Alice noticed that he was shivering(period) “Maybe he is cold, with him wearing so little I ca’(no apostrophe)n’t understand whom wouldn’t be(comma)” Alice she thought. The rabbit spoke quietly and with a stutter.

“I-I d-didn’t think an-nyone w-was l-left.”

“I’m sorry(comma)” Alice said as politely as she could(comma) “but I haven’t the slightest idea what you are talking about!”

“G-gone, all g-gone(comma)” it stuttered(period) Also, you describe the rabbit as a 'he' in previous parts, so do the same here.

“Please, you are starting to frighten me, what is all gone?”

“Ev-veryone, I must g-go now, before those things g-get to m-me(comma)” he added added is not the right word to use here. He wasn't adding anything to what he said, he was replying to her question. as he paced to the door. He reached into a small umbrella stand next to the door(comma) which Alice hadn’t noticed before (comma)as she came inand pulled out a stuffed,(no comma) pink flamingo umbrella (I'm guessing you're describing the umbrella. I wasn't entirely sure) (Also, period here) and He handed it to Alice(period and new paragraph) “Use it to f-fend them off, I’m dreadfully sorry but i-it’s too late” (he pulled out he pocket watch as he said this and Alice was positive it was broken) Why is she positive that it's broken? She has no reason to assume this, or at least no reason that she mentioned. Don't put that into brackets either -there is no reason for that. “Just find a w-way out” and on with these words (comma) he left in a run(comma) leaving Alice frightened and confused. (new paragraph)“What on earth was he talking about(comma)” she asked herself(comma or period) “I should follow him(period)” And she did just that, she left the room and headed down the corridor and Too many 'and's, it's beginning to feel like a list heard a blood-curdling scream,(period) The white rabbit was in trouble(period) She ran towards the sound, still clutching the flamingo and saw the most horrifying sight she had ever seen. (new paragraph)There was a man wearing a tall top hat,(period) He was uttering a depressing soulles moaning sound moan, and his arms were outstretched like some sort of ghoul(period) and His eyes,(no comma) they were misted over with a milky whiteness,(period) Alice screamed in absolute terror, but this got catching the attention of the man. He started towards Alice, slowly; his arms still out stretched like some sort of hungry ghost,(period) His fingers were clenching like he was trying to grab her, and without thinking, Alice swung the flamingo umbrella…

Alright. I'm not sure if I got everything, but I tried my best.
One of your biggest problems is punctuation - especially when using dialogue. This will help immensely: topic44898.html
Another thing you seem to be struggling with is when to make a new paragraph. I believe that this will help: http://www.saidsimple.com/content/When- ... -Paragraph
It's pretty simple, and you can really do it wherever you feel it works.

This needs a lot of work, but it's very promising. I hope this helped!

Hi there!

Ahah, my two favorite things, zombies and Alice, compiled into one awesome short story. Thanks for the entertainment!

Anyways, this is pretty good for a short story. I have only two things that I would change/do differently if I were you. And here they are:

Action

So, she falls, finds some marmalade, enters a strange room, whatever. We see all that in the book! And if any of your readers haven't read the book (which they should!) then they've probably seen that in the movie. What we expect of you as a writer, even though you are basing this off of a novel, is that you have your own thoughts, and your own ideas. The first half of the story is not that, and that alone made me want to stop reading.

What I have to suggest is that you have the zombie's appear sooner. You need to have one pop out somewhere, before she goes to see the white rabbit. This not only would lengthen your extremely short story, but make it more entertaining. Then when she gets to the white rabbit she'll have some sort of clue what's going on, and possibly ask him, just generating an explanation to what's happening. Because without the title, I really don't know what this is about, and that's what it all comes down to.

Ending
So, another problem I have with this is that you end too soon, and skip all the action, most likely because you're afraid of it, and you don't want to risk it, blah, I did the same thing. But go for it! Keep on writing, show me something interesting! You stopped right when it was about to get good - seriously annoying. I want to see if she misses or if the mad hatter chomps her to pieces. Please, continue this and finish it!

Plot

The plot is pretty good, except for what I've already mentioned about the beginning. I think you need to keep on going with it. Right when the plot is about to pick up, you stop, making this an overall uninteresting story. And I know you can do better! I can tell by your writing, so do it.

Characters

I think you portray Alice pretty well, and you have the White Rabbit down, obviously, because the only thing he ever says is 'I'm late.' My one thing about the White Rabbit is that I would have him talk faster, because he's in a hurry and always is talking rushed in the novel.

As far as Alice goes, she likes to point out the obvious, so you should try to do that more. She likes to go "Curious and curiouser" when something is, well curious. She likes to point out when things aren't going the way she plans, or are going in a weird direction all together. Most importantly, she speaks all of her thoughts aloud, and is very emotional. When the White Rabbit starts to do his scary thing, you should have her speaking to herself about the matter, how this worries her, and how this is strange.

Realisticness

You do a pretty good job with that, the only thing is that in the novel, she's like "Whaa why is this rabbit hole leading me here?" and in this is't like, oh, I'm falling slowly down a very, very deep rabbit hole. And Oh, I just found some marmalade at the bottom of this long rabbit hole and OMG A PIANO!! I mean, is that really the most mystical part about this? The piano being played? I'd say that's the most normal thing that happens and she takes the most interest in that. Not very realistic at all.

I hope I helped!

Keep writing,

Classy

I think this is very well written. You have a great writing style Just write more, I'm interested to read more.