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Broken Things



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Thu Sep 01, 2011 6:08 pm
StellaThomas says...



For SmylinG's contest based on Hans Christian Andersen's The Little Mermaid. All comments appreciated, but especially looking for thoughts on pace and tone towards the end!

~~~

Ed collects broken things.
He combs the beach with Juliet at sunset, leaving all the perfect shells behind, picking up the ones that have been trampled underfoot, shattered by the sheer force of saltwater. Stones with half skeletons inside, bottlenecks with no body, splinters of driftwood. The things that have no place in this world, Prince Edmund takes for himself. Juliet watches her fiancé, amused and intrigued and entirely besotted by this tenderness.
Juliet’s sister-in-law Rella giggles at this practice but Juliet doesn’t know why. Her twin brother, Rella’s husband Charming, is a dreamer and Juliet loves him for it. She just smiles and tells Rella that Edmund is simply a different type of dreamer, and she doesn’t mind marrying a dreamer even if the decision is not hers. She will marry Edmund and come to live here in the fortress that they call a palace (though Juliet is from the south and knows that real palaces glitter and gleam).The only thing she regrets is the way Charming got to choose his lovely bride for himself, and Juliet’s future has always been carefully mapped.
One night, a storm shakes her existence. A ship’s hull torn into two, crashing charcoal waves, thunder resounding in Juliet’s belly. She stands barefoot at the window in her nightdress, fingering her midnight coloured plait endlessly in a sort of prayer.
When he returns, Ed is quiet as always, but there is something else in those eyes that were once like a summer sky, they are darker, stranger. They still comb the beach and steal those private moments, and Ed admits his head is filled with another woman, a voice and thin arms around him.
“A voice like what?” Juliet asks.
“Music. Just pure music.”
The next broken thing he brings home, as she sits with the rest of the southern party at breakfast, is a mute girl.
Juliet is a patient woman, but at this latest development, with Rella’s and Charming’s eyes locked on her, she suddenly has the urge to thump the table, to scream. Ed is strange and lovely and everyone sees it as a good match. But first the voice and now a girl with no voice and it’s all very nearly too much. She dabs at her mouth with her napkin and surveys the mute girl. Of course she’s beautiful, hair like spun gold, roses in her cheeks like the first suggestion of dawn, huge eyes as blue and fathomless as the sea itself.
“Do you have a name?” Juliet asks.
“She can’t say,” Ed reminds her. “I’ve been calling her Blue.”
A nickname. Here everybody has them- Rella, Ed, Charming… but she is still Juliet, still an outsider. Sometimes she wishes they would call her “Jules” as she’s heard common girls who share her name be called. “Jewels,” like the precious bargaining chip she is. Well-trained, intelligent, polite, as charming as her brother.
Of course any man in his right mind would prefer the mystery of a girl with no voice and no history.
“Are you going to stay with us at the palace then, Blue?” she asks, focusing on her food. The girl nods and watches Ed with those innocent eyes, clearly in love with the prince and his strange ways. Juliet hates her from that moment on.
That night, Ed brings Blue to the beach with them. She finds the cracked open egg of a seabird and Ed delights in it. Juliet picks her way through the pebbles behind them, like a chaperone. Blue’s steps are delicate, strangely so, she hops from toe to toe as if every step pains her.
Days trickle past and every time the sun goes down, Ed is a little more deeply in love. It’s just a pity it’s with the wrong girl, Juliet thinks bitterly.
The Queen speaks to her one day when they’re in the parlour. Tells her that many royal and noble men take mistresses and it can be hard, but she shouldn’t let it affect her feelings for Edmund. Juliet smiles nervously but it feels as if the Queen has just lodged a knife in her heart. Just as she feels every time she sees Ed and Blue together, sees the way he watches her with those eyes that seem to echo hers. Juliet listens to anecdotes from old ladies, plays croquet with the king, and every night moves to the parlour allocated to the southerners and lets out all her rage.
“How can he do this to me?” she demands of her brother one windy night.
“Sometimes love just happens,” Charming says in his own dreamy way, clearly thinking of that crystalline winter night when he and Rella first danced together. Juliet is pacing, one moment into the warmth of the fire, then out of it once more.
“Yes, Charles," she says and his head shoots up at this use of his real name- that Juliet only ever utters when she is truly angry, "it happens to people like you who are free to choose. Don’t you see? I have given everything up for this arrangement to work. I was never asked. Mama and Papa had this planned before we could even walk, you know that!”
“Then maybe he will free you from the betrothal,” Charming suggests hopefully from where he is bent over in his seat, olive green eyes cast into the flames.
They both know it isn’t his decision any more than it is Juliet’s. She lies between the freezing sheets of her bed that night and imagines what life would be like if she had a choice.
Wise words echo in her ear-from her tutor, or her fairy godmother perhaps: there is always choice.
She attempts to pull Ed back to her in the castle’s dark corners. He refuses, moves away, says something vague about ‘waiting’ every time. On the beach, his focus is entirely on his broken and downtrodden treasure. Juliet wonders manically if she should break herself to make him love her as he loves Blue.
Then there is the girl herself, the girl with no words. She speaks in gazes and cold stares. Juliet genially invites her on a walk, but the whole time the girl acts as if Juliet has just slapped her in the face. She has no decorum, that’s for sure. Perhaps that’s what Ed really wants- a peasant and not a princess. The closest Juliet can come is wearing her black hair down that night at dinner. Ed does not notice. He does not even greet her.
When the King dismisses them, she runs up the stairs, bolts the door of her bedchamber and throws herself down on the feather pillows, not intending ever to get up. It is a quiet, clear night for once and the only sounds are her own muffled sobs. When she has used up all her tears and lies there, feeling her heart beat, that’s when the song comes. Her feet find the floor; she trails across to the window, looks out on the royal family’s private cove (such a dark, hostile place compared to the soft gold sand of their beaches at home). Blue is standing in the shallows, a ghost in a white dress. Around her are five girls- no, Juliet thinks, frowning, looking closer.
Not quite girls.
Mermaids at home are a children’s story of something that happens far away. Here, she knows they are real, only mysterious, hidden. They are rumours, but the people of this cold little island believe every word of the rumours to be true. Now Juliet does as well. And she believes something else.
Blue is more than just a little broken.
Juliet puts a cloak round her shoulders, tells the guards on the door she is going for some salt air. She meets Blue on the worn stone steps that lead down to the cove. She is a head taller than the wispy mer-girl.
“I know what you are,” Juliet says darkly. “And what you have done to yourself. It’s an abomination in both our worlds, is it not? Who were those others? Your sisters?”
Blue, of course, doesn’t say anything. She is holding something behind her back. “What have they given you? Let me see!” Juliet demands. She is a princess, and used to giving demands.
Blue reluctantly shows her. It is a silver knife, almost blinding white in the moonlight, edges so sharp they seem to disappear.
“What’s that for?” Juliet asks, but Blue shakes her head. The beautiful knife clatters to the ground and she puts her hands over her face.
For a moment, Juliet nearly feels sorry for her. But after all the heartache this girl without a voice has caused Juliet, she is not about to forgive her in an instant. Still, she finds her arm reaching out, putting itself over Blue’s narrow shoulders. “It’s alright,” she murmurs. “Whatever problems you’re having. I don’t suppose you can go home, can you?”
Blue shakes her head.
“Is it all about Ed?” Juliet asks quietly. She is trying to be neither kind nor cruel. She only wants the answer.
Blue shrugs, a trial under the weight of Juliet’s arm.
“He’s mine, you know,” Juliet begins, without really meaning to. The words fall out of her mouth. “He’s always been mine, whether the two of us like it or not. If you take him, you’re not just taking him, you’re ruining my entire life. The lives of two kingdoms. Could you live with that?”
Blue’s eyes open wider than ever, her mouth too. Then she shakes her head, ducks it, implies, I never meant to hurt anybody.
Juliet almost believes her.
“Come on. Let’s go for a walk to clear your head,” she says, shutting her eyes tight. Still with her arm round Blue’s shoulder, she leads her up the steps and around the headland, hugging close to the cliffs.
“I live close to the sea at home as well,” she says to fill in the silence that is all Blue can supply. “I won’t mind living here. It’s just the cold. But I suppose I’ll get used to that.”
Blue nods. They are standing at the top of the cliffs. Juliet disregards all advice given to her and looks down to where the heads of waves are glinting in the starlight, inhales the salt. Blue stands beside her bare arms, hugging herself. Juliet should help.
She takes off her own cloak. “Here,” she says softly, putting it over Blue’s shoulders. “Once we work things out, we’re going to be friends. I truly believe that.”
Blue turns to face her so that Juliet can fasten the pin at the throat of her cloak. She concentrates for a moment on the cold metal and the rough wool.
Then, with barely any thought at all, she pushes Blue over the edge.
~~~
She runs back to the palace without a cloak, without the brooch that fastened it. Charming had given her that brooch, a present for their thirteenth birthday. She does not speak to the guards, only slips into the sheets that are now mercifully warm.
Juliet cannot believe what she has done, yet she feels no remorse for it. In those private moments of dark, she even smiles about how easy it was, how light and birdlike Blue was when she pushed her.
The mute girl just vanishes. The court breathes a sigh of relief. The Queen immediately calls for dress fittings. Juliet summons her bridesmaids, Princess Charlotte, the eldest of the twelve princesses in the west, Lady Rapunzel, Rella’s hideous stepsister who will ruin the tableau but at least is goodhearted.
Ed is even quieter than usual. He holds Juliet’s hand on the beach. He kisses her in corners and they act like the stupidly in love young couple they should be. She points out the shattered shells on the beach, a dead crab with only one claw. One night, a mermaid’s purse, ripped up one side.
She never mentions what she saw that night, nor what she did, but she knows he thinks about it. He will recall Blue suddenly, a taste on the wind or a glint of gold amongst the rocks. Juliet always knows when he is thinking of Blue. Then he will shake his head, smile at Juliet.
The smile never reaches his eyes. They are tired and sad, and every time Juliet sees them she cannot help but see the mermaid’s eyes that mirrored them. They are only one half of a soul, something that cannot be fixed.
There are always things that cannot be repaired, though. Ed is a broken thing now, a thing with no place in this world.
And Juliet is going to take him for herself.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





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Thu Sep 01, 2011 6:39 pm
Priceless says...



Hey there,
This was beautiful. This was really, really beautiful. I loved everything about it. Your writing was amazing, really. It was dark and beautiful. I could picture everything clearly in my head. It really touched my heart. Daym.

Ed is alien and lovely and everyone sees it as a good match.


Ed or Blue? I think if you're trying to say Ed and Blue are similar, it should be 'Ed is alien and lovely, as is the girl, and everyone sees it as a good match.' Or something. But then if everyone sees it as a good match, why did the court breathe a sigh of relief when she 'disappeared'?
Her feet find the floor; she trails across to the window, looks out on the royal family’s private cove (such a dark, hostile place compared to the soft gold sand of their beaches at home).


To me, it doesn't seem like she'd be thinking of that when she hears strange music? It's kind of out of place here.

Also, would Juliet really be that calm after seeing mermaids?

Juliet disregards all advice given to her and looks down to where the heads of waves are glinting in the starlight, inhales the salt.


Advice about?
Lady Rapunzel, Rella’s hideous stepsister who will ruin the tableau but at least is goodhearted.


I think you should change that name. Makes me think too much of the fairytale character.

You didn't show Ed's reaction to Blue's disappearance at first. He seemed to really love her, maybe you should add something about how he felt at the beginning and how Juliet would get him to love her or something. *shrugs* (He'll love me. I know he will). Or something.

Apart from those, I love love love love loved this!! I swear I could go on and on about how great it is, but that would be no help. And if I had to quote certain sentences I'd probably quote the whole thing ;) Awesomely done!! I really hope you win the contest, looks like you're gonna :)
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Fri Sep 02, 2011 12:23 am
theotherone says...



Hello there. :)

I'll begin with nitpicks and then go on with my overall impression on your story.
Juliet’s sister-in-law comma, Rella comma, giggles at this practice, because Charming is so entirely different in her eyes.

But Juliet knows twin brother, knows how he dreams and loves him for it.

You should try to make it clearer that she is in fact talking her brother, and not Ed.
Rella, Ed, Charming

It’s just a pity it’s with the wrong girl, Juliet thinks bitterly.

This should be italics since it's a direct thought.
Juliet smiles nervously but it feels as if the Queen has just lodged a knife in her heart.


I really liked this story. The way you've written it, the point of view, the plot, the characterization... It was all great, and it helped in the development of your story. I don't know what the contest is, and I don't even know if it is already done, but good luck, because it's really good, as per me. :)

Keep writing!

-Other One
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Fri Sep 02, 2011 12:37 am
Meshugenah says...



I'm not really sure I have words. Well, I do, but they're not all that helpful. This reminds me of something Ari would write.

Anyway. The only real comments I have are clarification issues - there are a few times I'm not sure who're you're referring to - Charming, Ed, even Juliet. It makes more sense after reading through twice - but you reference Juliet's twin, and then I had trouble making the leap to Charming being that twin. Maybe it's the heat, maybe not - but help your readers along just a bit there. Once I figured it out, though, no problemo!

Minor nit-pick, you have, "Mermaids at home are a children’s story of something that happens far away. Here, she knows they are real, only mysterious, hidden."

Swap the first to, "At home, mermaids are..." It structures the two sentences better (yay, parallel structure!), and is clearer, too. I had to read the sentence twice to understand what you meant!

That aside, I think that's all! I don't notice any other nitpicks I mentally marked, and I really enjoyed this. I loved the end. I thought your pacing was fine - maybe a little rushed, but I'm not sure where or what else you could add. Your handling of her pushing Blue I really enjoyed - the act of placing the cloak around her with the brooch is spot on. Yeah. Ed as broken - that parallel was lovely.

OH! The final comment about Ed not being of this world - you say that in the beginning - calling him alien ("alien and lovely" the quote is). Uh, what? Why? If his actions are alien to Juliet, you just need to explain that. It sounds like he's a different creature entirely, and I'm not sure that's what you meant? Maybe just a different word would work better?

OK. Now I'm done. Lovely read, Stellz! <3

Bek
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Fri Sep 02, 2011 7:11 pm
Kafkaescence says...



Juliet’s sister-in-law Rella giggles at this practice, because Charming is so entirely different in her eyes. But Juliet knows her twin brother, knows how he dreams and loves him for it. Ed, she tells Rella, is just another sort of dreamer, and she is happy to marry a dreamer even if the decision is not hers. She will marry Edmund and come to live here in the fortress that they call a palace (though Juliet is from the south and knows that real palaces glitter and gleam).The only thing she regrets is the way Charming got to choose his lovely bride for himself, and Juliet’s future has always been carefully mapped.

The first paragraph is a great hook, but this second one is something of a setback. The first sentence makes no sense to me - why would Charming's being different cause Rella to giggle at Ed's hobby? It didn't help that I didn't even know who Charming was and what relationship he had with Rella. The second sentence confuses me even more. When you say that Ed is Juliet's twin brother, I don't even know whether I should believe you or not. She's marrying her twin brother? Why? The rest isn't so bad, but, all things considered, this paragraph could easily be split into at least two or three different ones. Make sure you take your time to explain things; if you don't, your writing will have a habit of making little sense to the reader.

Besides that, I found your story very enjoyable! Your prose was graceful and your grammar, as far as I noticed, impeccable. At times it is dripping with poetic imagery, and at times it is hearty and emotional. All in all, this was a beautifully orchestrated story.

There were instances, however, when I found your prose overly wordy, or your word choice slightly off. The former I found especially apparent; there is a trace of it throughout the entirety of your piece. Here's an example of what I mean:
Mermaids at home are a children’s story of something that happens far away.

Sentences of this species will always break your prose. Whittle these down as much as you can, and your story will sound that much better.

Keep writing!

-Kafka
#TNT

WRFF
  





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Sun Sep 04, 2011 4:53 am
Rahul says...



Well. I really like your perspective of your story specially in the first paragraph sometimes I don't understand who is the speaker and who is the listener
Though it's really awesome

Keep up!
  





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Sun Sep 04, 2011 8:19 am
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catchingwave says...



Hey I REALLY liked this story! I even copy pasted the link for it to a friend of mine who also liked it very much! Great job Meshugenah! Truly had me transfixed into the whole plot. I really look forward to reading any other posts by you. My favourite story so far.
  





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Mon Sep 05, 2011 6:25 pm
Mickixoxo says...



Oh gosh... there are just no words.... I truly LOVED this to pieces! And now I'm scared to enter this contest O_o hahaha

Sooo I really only have one nitpick, here.

Juliet’s sister-in-law Rella giggles at this practice, because Charming is so entirely different in her eyes. But Juliet knows her twin brother, knows how he dreams and loves him for it.


Here, at first I thought that Charming was a nickname that Rella gave Ed, and therefore I was entirely confused and creeped out when Juliet referred to him as "her twin brother" haha I literally paused my reading and was like "Wait... she's marrying her twin brother?! OMIGOD!!!" hahaha but then I reread it a few times and figured out that Charming was actually an entirely different person than Ed. I think it would leave less confusion if you changed/altered that little part right there. Maybe say something like "Juliet's sister-in-law, Rella, giggles at this practice because Charming, her husband, is so entirely different in her eyes" or something like that. It's just confusing when the first mention of Juliet ever having a sibling is in this sentence.

Other than that, I think this story is close to perfect! X3 one of my favorite YWS stories, I would say... (though I can't exactly remember all of the stories I've read O_e) I was practically hypnotized! Couldn't stop reading for anything :3 hahaha it was creepy, sad, and twisted and I loved it! I love re-doings of fairytales :3

Oh! One more thing, was Blue totally human? Like, when she was pushed off the cliff, did she drown? Or was she just able to breath under water? I think more the first one, since she wasn't able to turn back into a mermaid, right? (or was she?)

EDIT: OHH!! And by the way, before I forget. You still haven't entered this story to the actual contest. You should probably do that before time runs out XP
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Mon Sep 05, 2011 10:54 pm
PandaRawr says...



Ahh. This was pure joy. Well it was actually very dark but it fills me with joy how beautifuly and well written this was! I absolultley love this. There is not much else I can say.

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