Young Writers Society

So this is an entry to the Text Messaging contest. Hehe it's kinda long.


June 2nd, Friday, 2:32 P.M.
Ashtar: My name is Ashtar, dear One, I must know the truth! My son, will he live?
Leanne: where r u? i cant use my Truth Eye on you if i cant see you.
Ashtar: At the hallway, I'm right behind you.
Leanne: dont scare me like th@!! alright hang on a sec
Ashtar: Please, you are the only person who can possibly help me! My son may not live soon!
Leanne: i cant if u dont stop sending text messages!!!
Leanne: Your son will live till 2morrow @ 3 pm. Best get home soon
Ashtar: Oh thank you! You truly are the All-Seeing-One! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Leanne: i get it.
Ashtar: Thank you and good-bye!

June 2nd, Friday, 3:01 P.M.
Megan: TGIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Leanne: yes!!! schools over 4 2 days
Meg: lol where r u?
Leanne: locker duh!
Meg: right comin
Leanne: wheres liz?
Meg: dunno saw her with mrs lennith
Leanne: oh social studies teach right?
Meg: yup! Hey i c u!
Leanne: duh ure right next 2 me
Meg: XD
Leanne: lets go find liz


June 2nd, Friday, 3:15 P.M.
Leanne: hey liz!
Megan: hi liz!!!
Elizabeth: Hang on, guys. I'm talking to Mrs. Lennith.
Leanne: yeah we can kinda tell since were standing in front of u
Meg: hurry up then!!!!
Leanne: ure saying th@ a lot 2day
Meg: complaining?
Leanne: no
Liz: Guess what guys?
Meg: ure back!!!
Liz: No, duh, Meg.
Leanne: wat is it??
Liz: Mrs. Lennith is going to connect me to this college so that I can take Calculus! Isn't that awesome?
Meg: 2 u of course it is
Leanne: lol meg was expectin somethin more
Meg: o well im used 2 this ure news is always bout school
Liz: What's that supposed to mean?
Leanne: i still dont c how u can type normaly
Liz: Oh, it's not that hard with some practice.
Meg: nope imposibl 2 me
Liz: Lol, not for me!
Leanne: i can do it but it takes 4ever 2 type
Meg: probaly
Leanne: ice crm anyone?
Liz: Totally!
Meg: do u even need 2 ask?

September 7th, Tuesday, 4:13 P.M.
Megan: guess who got told off?
Elizabeth: What did you do, Meg?
Meg: me? wat r u talkin bout? im a sweet little angel
Leanne: sure u r sure
Liz: Leanne! What did you do?
Leanne: the usual th@ new teach, mrs babynbox or somethin
Liz: Oh! You mean Mrs. Babineaux?
Meg: yah! her! wats with her name???
Liz: She's French you geniuses.
Leanne: th@ would explain her acent
Liz: When you say the usual, do you mean about your eyes?
Leanne: yeah “children these days doing everything 2 get attention even wearing colored contacts!!!” then she told me 2 take them out
Liz: Lol, wish I was there to see it.
Meg: ooh, then leanne was all rebilous and stuff
Liz: Lol, rebellious?
Meg: yah, she was like why should i? its a free country lolol
Liz: :D I get what you mean by the usual.
Leanne: haha, yeah, i told her th@ they weren't contacts 2
Meg: her voice is soooooooo screechy!!!!!
Liz: Why don't you try wearing colored contacts then. Turn your eye color to all green or all blue.
Leanne: good idea! ill go and try l8r

September 7th, Tuesday, 4:17 P.M.
Leanne: liz!!!! can u pick me up?
Elizabeth: What for?
Leanne: my moms not home and i need 2 go by the contacts
Liz: Sure, but you owe me.
Leanne: k wat do u want?
Liz: Ice cream?
Leanne: good thing meg doesnt know shed want some 2
Liz: Lol, yeah. Okay, I'll be there in a few minutes.
Leanne: thx!!! ure awesome!!

September 7th, Tuesday, 4:31 P.M.
Leanne: did u find it yet?
Elizabeth: It should be here somewhere...
Leanne: oooh! i think i found it!
Liz: You did? Great! Try it!
Leanne: hang on i got 2 by it 1st im not gonna shoplift
Leanne: where ru?
Liz: I'm by the bathroom. Oh! I see you! Do you see me? I'm waving and texting @ the same time! Lol, XD!
Leanne: u stand out a lot
Liz: That's my specialty!

September 11th, Friday, 1: 15 P.M.
Megan: i 4got!!!! leanne did it work?? how come u arent wearin contacts??????
Elizabeth: MEG! You just made my phone buzz in the middle of class!!!!! Mrs. Jordans is going to murder me!!!!! And obviously it didn't work, otherwise she'd be wearing them.
Leanne: why ask now? in the middle of class?
Meg: sorry liz, i 4got!!! and i was just 2 curios i need 2 know!!! so?
Liz: It didn't work.
Meg: wat???? why???
Meg: ooooooooh!!!! i know!!!! the contacts melted!!!
Liz: As insane as ever.
Leanne: lol, th@ would hurt no i just couldnt use the powers if i had contacts on
Meg: wat?
Leanne: i tried the truth i on liz cuz i bought gren contacts and they didnt work
Meg: aw! u didnt see any secrets liz never told us?
Liz: MEG! WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?
Leanne: lol no i couldnt see anythin
Liz: What's you're other eye called? The green one? I can't remember it. I've got a horrible memory.
Leanne: lol r u sure?
Meg: yah!!! should u say th@? u can remember 500 equatons and ur a walking us histry book!!!
Liz: Am I supposed to be complimented by that?
Leanne: lol, probaly
Meg: isnt it called the ghost i?
Leanne: its called the phantom eye
Liz: Makes sense, since you can see ghosts and weird stuff with it.
Meg: more like creepy stuff
Leanne: o yeah haha megs afraid of ghosts
Meg: am not!
Liz: Hey, you admitted it to us.
Meg: 2 u 2 then
Leanne: lol
Liz: We should probably get back to class.
Leanne: yeah
Meg: c u guys l8r!!!!

Janurary 2nd, Saturday, 12:33 A.M.
Leanne: guys!!!!!! somethings wrong!!!!!
Meg: wat ru doing this early?
Liz: Meg, you didn't stay up for New Year's?
Meg: new years??? oh i fell asleep after a while wat is it?
Leanne: my eyes dont work anymore!!!!!
Liz: What? How? Why? Are you blind now?
Leanne: i dunno i just tried it cuz i was bored i couldn't c a thing!!! i can c normaly but not w/ my ies!!!
Meg: did u make a wish th@ ur eyes stoped working?
Liz: Meg that's nonsense, you don't believe that a wish would make them stop working, do you?
Leanne: no i didnt do th@
Meg: dont ask me then good night
Liz: Really Meg? You're being a great friend! Yeah, ditch your best friend when she needs help.
Meg: fine!!!! i cant sleep if my phone keeps ring anyway!!! wat? Dont xpect me 2 know!!!
Leanne: nvrm id rather u not snap than not help
Meg: 2 late im awake now
Liz: So? What do you think it could be?
Leanne: dunno
Liz: That's helpful.
Meg: ur helpful 2
Liz: Thanks for your sarcastic reply Meg. It really cheered me up.
Meg: th@ just did 2
Meg:: i think were just 2 slepy im gonna sleep bye
Liz: i guess we might as well talk about this tomorrow. Will you be alright?
Leanne: yeah i think so
Liz: Then good night!
Leanne: night

January 2nd, Saturday, 10:56 A.M.
Leanne: ru guys awake?
Elizabeth: Now that you've sent me a text, yes. Meg?
Megan: wat? wat do u want? u know what i want? SLEEP!!!!!!!
Liz: Geez Meg, no need to be so crazy. Can you get sleep l8r?
Meg:noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 i aboslty cant!!!!!!!!
Leanne: k then well talk bout this just me and liz and ice crm
Meg：wat????????? nooooooooo u cant!!!!!!! i want ice crm 2!!!!
Liz: What don't you want? You want sleep and food?
Leanne: watever!!! guys u got 2 help me!!! i dunno wat 2 do!!!
Meg: y dont u sleep it off?
Leanne: tried
Liz: That's a great suggestion Meg.
Meg: wat? u have a better 1??
Leanne: plz dont fight
Liz: Why don't you go and find someone from the other world? They might know.
Leanne: dont got the time
Meg: yah she cant telport or contrl time
Liz: I don't know. I'd go and find someone from the other world and ask if they know.
Meg: just find a realy realy old dude and ask him
Liz: Why an old dude?
Meg: cuz old peeps r smart
Liz: That's a stereotype.
Meg: wats ur proof? is it cuz ur old granps stupid?
Liz: MEG! DON'T INSULT MY GRANDPA! JUST BECAUSE HE'S PARALYZED DOESN'T MEAN THAT HE'S STUPID! HE ALWAYS UNDERSTANDS WHAT I SAY
Meg: wat happened 2 !! ?
Liz: There wasn't enough room!!!!
Leanne: STOP IT GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Meg: th@ took a while 4 u 2 type th@ i was waitin 4 u 2 stop us
Leanne: do u have 2 fight so often???
Liz: We don't fight really often, besides, SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT MY GRANPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Meg: run out on room again?
Leanne: ENOUGH!!! guys seriosly!!!
Liz: I gave you my suggestion. I don't know what else you can do, sorry, Leanne.
Meg: i gave u mine 2!
Liz: And what was yours?
Meg: i said sleep it off.
Leanne: i guess ill go find some1 from the other world
Liz: What are you going to tell the teachers?
Leanne: sick as usual
Meg: keep in touch
Liz: What? You're going to leave right now? :O
Leanne: cant do much g2g cy
Meg: wait leanne!!! hang on!!!
Liz: Leanne? Will your phone work in your world???
Meg: leanne?
Liz: Oh no! Maybe I shouldn't have suggested that.
Meg: yeah maybe u shouldnt wat if leanne gets killed?
Liz: She won't! She has the eyes, she can protect herself.
Liz: Oops, her eyes don't work anymore. Oh no! D:
Meg: im gonna get more sleep
Liz: Sure, see you.

January 13th, Tuesday, 9:10 P.M.
Leanne: sry guys no reception @ world only place is here good reception
Megan: LEANNE!!!!!!
Elizabeth: Leanne! Are you alright? Why are your words so weird? Where are you? Do your eyes work?
Leanne: listen or read dont write text back k?
Meg: k but y?
Leanne: dont have much time u c the orignal oracle is gonna wake soon my powers dont work cause they are going back 2 the orginal 1.
Leanne: they say afterwards i wont be able 2 come back my ies will be normal but color stay same k?
Liz: Is that it? Is that a good thing?
Leanne: ive looked 4 long time found the temple of oringal orcale and monk there they tell me
Meg: ure sentences make less sense then mine!!! so is it a good thing?
Leanne: got little time!!! tell u l8r!!! g2g!! bye!!
Liz: Be careful Leanne!
Meg: good luck!!

Januray 15th, Thursday, 11: 27 A.M.
Leanne: guys!!!!!! im back!!!!!
Elizabeth: That's great! Where are you? Can we see you?
Megan: is it a good thing th@ ur ies power gone?
Leanne: i guess, kinda miss the power though
Liz: So we can see you?
Leanne: right now? no mom going crazy dad worryed 2 dont want me 2 leave ill c u guys 2morrow though
Meg: wat do u mean by u miss the power? Do ure ies feel different??
Leanne: sorta less lifeful
Liz: You mean they feel less lively?
Leanne: yeah something like th@
Meg: so ure glad theyre gone?
Leanne: ie color still same
Liz: They just take the power back? They didn't say thank you or give you a gift or anything?
Leanne: they said thx and gave me a gift
Meg: really???? wat is it???? can we c it???
Liz: You're so greedy Meg!
Meg: am not!!! im just crious
Liz: You mean curious?
Meg: who cares?
Leanne: guys the gift is th@ i can pause time 4 5 mins
Liz: Lol, that's funny.
Leanne: no its not! its not a joke!!! its true!!!
Meg: cooooooollllllll!!!!! can u show us???
Leanne: if ure holding my hand then u dont get paused
Liz: So it's true? You have a special power then? Will people come to get your help then?
Meg: will u show us 2morrow??? plz???? ill stop bothring u bout ic crm
Leanne: sure ill show u guys no people wont come find me not like w/ the oracle ies
Meg: cool!!!!!!! show 2morrow!! we can laugh @ the teachs!!! and whoever we wantt!!!! cool!!!! th@s awesome!!!
Liz: :D I think we get the point there Meg, with all those excamation points.
Leanne: Lol, yeah.

So this was for a contest? I don't know why anyone would want to write a story made entirely of text messages but anyway...

This was OK. IT was just unrealistic. Not just the weird eye stuff but if you're writing a story through text messages, why are people texting each other when they're right next to each other? And I didn't know 3-way texting existed. The story is pretty silly as it is but maybe if it was more realistic I would like it more. Plus the girls constantly fighting... I mean who are they? Sure they're probably middle school or high school but they're just pretty empty people. You could have made Meg and Liz a single person (megliz?) and there'd be no difference because there is no difference between them as characters.

Good luck on the contest.

Hello there. I realize the contest closes today, so while this review might not be able to help, hopefully you'll be able to apply with I say to future stories.

As applejack already mentioned, the characters aren't very distinct and they blur into one another. There's also how they're texting while in sight of one another? I think both issues could be easily solved if you told this story in a more conventional form. Right now, with the text messages, I feel like you left out the meat of the story. There's a whole adventure to be had following Leanne as she finds the temple and monk and loses her oracle eyes, but because it couldn't be relayed via text message, it was cut out, which is a shame because it sounds like it was quite interesting.

Also due to the text message form, a lot of things don't make much sense, like how Ashtar typed or approached Leanne, or even what the oracles eyes are and do. The oracle eyes themselves don't really play much role in the story as it stands, and they're more of an aside which, if they were removed, really wouldn't change much about this story. Try and incorporate them a bit more. Having the characters talk about them or even request a glimpse into their future every once in a while will ensure that the oracle eyes are as important and essential throughout the story as they are intended to be.

Now, I think it would be interesting if you incorporated the text messages into a more conventional short story form and expanded upon Leanne's adventures. There's a lot of potential here for an interesting story, but as it stands, the text-message only format of it really hurts and hides the tale rather than working to tell it.