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The Hurricanes are Beautiful



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Mon Aug 29, 2011 3:58 pm
Sins says...



The Hurricanes are Beautiful



The shadows never lie. They crawl underneath your skin and seep into your bloodstream, they whisper hisses of encouragement into your ears, they snigger predictions into your mind as it spins out of control, and they bury themselves deep into the fragile bones of your body. But they never lie; they don’t need to. It’s their truth that destroys you.
We were once so beautiful. We lived off the wonders of the earth, and we thrived off the things that had no cost. All we needed was the green around us: the trees, the plants, the grass, the fields. But then we got greedy. Some imbecile decided to mix water, cement, and sand, and destroyed what was perfect. Cement truly is the devil's mixture.
Maybe that’s why we are where we are today. Maybe that’s why there’s not a world outside, but an ever crumbling ruin of what we once called civilisation. That’s what the shadows told me anyway, and the shadows never do lie, after all. I know that better than anyone. If I force my memory back far enough, I can recall the first time I talked of the shadows to Mum. Imaginary friends were what she called them. Until I knew any better, that was what I called them too.
I’ve learned to keep them from others now, not that anyone would be interested anyway. They’re too busy either pelting a bullet through their own brains, or draining the water from their bodies out through their eyes. I don’t have time for that crap though. If we’re going to go out, I say we go out in style. We’re going to go out fighting because for once, I’m not letting the shadows win. They’ve probably gnawed out any sanity left inside my brain, but they haven’t destroyed me. Not yet. They can gnaw all they like because I’m not going down without a fight.
For the first time in over ten minutes, I turn my gaze to the world outside the window. All I can see is grey. It’s not even right to use the term greenery anymore because the untamed bushes and trees outside have even turned the dullest colour known to man. Their stumps create crackling noises as they grow larger and larger, almost as though whispering words of smite at us. I see people walk by occasionally, but they’re often stumbling. They don’t acknowledge me.
“The sky is dark,” I mutter.
I spin my chair around and turn to the fireplace at the end of my living room--if you could call it that anymore. There are mounds of items thrown across the carpeted floor, from ripped up books to empty packets of food. It no longer looks like the room I spent so much of my childhood in.
I turn my attention to Chanelle. She raises her chestnut eyebrows at me. “When is it not dark, Xavier?”
“Last Sunday was pretty good. The sun said a quick hello, but then it probably noticed the mess and thought, sod this crap hole.” I show a crooked smile. “We should’ve thrown a welcome party. Balloons and all.”
“The world is screwed up, yet you still make snarky comments.”
“Hey, life not being a bed of roses ain’t an excuse for me to develop a new personality. I ain’t gonna go around like the rest of those miserable twats.”
The smirk is still on my face as I turn back to the window. I’m not sure how long Chanelle and I have been stuck in this house now. We only go out if it’s necessary: if the fireplace needs new wood or something, although that’s becoming an impossible task. Wood is rare.
When the great tsunami hit, we were at school, so it was a hell of a challenge finding our way back home. I think it took us months. Not that anyone was here when we arrived anyway. All that was left was a mess from strangers who’d come here for shelter. I click my tongue as I concentrate on the dump outside the window once more.
I think I’ve forgotten what grass feels like, even the rotting kind that’s been left in this crap hole. Grass does rot, right? I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore: only what the shadows tell me. I cast my eyes back over to Chanelle as I lean back in my old computer chair. The shadows told me she’s scared. They told me as though I didn’t know it already.
It’s funny how some people show their fear more blatantly than others because unless you knew how Chanelle’s mind works, you would never be able to guess the amount of fear she holds inside of her. I think I can confidently say that I know how the gears work in her head; twins have that kind of power, even if we are fraternal. I wish I could help her.
There’s a gun in your kitchen, Xavier.
The chilling voices shoot through my blood. I jump. Those pillocks inside my head need to warn me before they talk. I close my eyes and sigh.
It’ll be quick and easy. Kill her. Save her from the misery.
I ignore the shadows. I don’t even question why there’s a gun in my kitchen. It probably belonged to some squatter that was in here once, but they completely forgot about it. Or they were killed. Yeah. Most likely rotting in the streets by now. Instead of even considering what the shadows are saying, I continue staring out of the murky window.
This is what the shadows predicted since I can remember: the crumbling of the earth. Maybe that’s what sent me insane in the first place. Maybe it was the constant nattering in my ear about destruction, death, hatred, greed, hurricanes, tsunamis, falling buildings, and just about everything else that made my chest feel as though it would cave in on itself. Ah well, if I am insane, then being insane is fun. It’s better than being miserable.
I feel my grin forming back onto my face when I spot a bearded man stumbling along the street. He’s screaming something about The Almighty. I’ve lost count of the amount of religious idiots that have rambled on about how this is the apocalypse, but that’s a load of shit. God gave up on us centuries ago. The shadows caused this: the shadows only I know of.
“Is the hurricane still outside?” Chanelle’s voice catches me by surprise.
I turn to the window, turn back to her, and then nod. “In the distance, yeah. We’ll probably have to get into the basement soon.”
Chanelle doesn’t respond, although I hear her let out a long sigh. She pulls her tangled waves over to one side of her shoulder, and then does her best attempt to smooth them down. It doesn’t work. Her dark hair is just as untamed as it was seconds ago. I turn back around and sigh.
Your sister will die.
Voices again. My heart makes a break for it out of my chest. I grasp the arms of my chair tightly. No, she won’t. She can’t. I won’t let her. The voices carry on with their whispers, and slowly, they begin sniggering. My blood boils underneath my skin, and it tries to burn through my flesh.
You can’t possibly think we’re lying, can you?
More words. More and more and more. They’re seeping into my brain and depriving me from the oxygen I so desperately need. The shadows are tugging at my body, and they’re scraping my skin. My heartbeat accelerates. And then I hear her voice.
“The hurricanes are beautiful.”
My head shoots towards Chanelle. On her face is a smile: the smile I recognise all too well as my own. She’s gawking out of the window, and her head sways from side to side. That’s when she stands up. Everything about her looks the same, from her dark hair that falls just below her shoulders to the way her lips curve upwards. But then I notice her eyes. They look glazed over, almost lost.
“Chanelle?” I whisper.
She will die.
My sister doesn’t reply. Instead, she ambles towards the living room door. Her steps are slow and heavy, but as I try to move out of my seat, a force stronger than my own weighs me down. I try to get up again. And again. And again. The pressure now on my chest is so tight, breathing has become a thought process. Chanelle’s no longer in the room.
“Chanelle!” My voice is weak. The pressure in my chest becomes heavier. I cough. “Chanelle!”
She will die.
As the words slide into my ears, I jump to my feet. I have no idea how I’m able to, but I do. The weight is released from my chest, and finally, I’m able to breathe again. I run. I run like it’s the only thing I’ve ever done. When I’m in the hallway, I realise the front door is open. No! No, she can’t be out there! I have to help her. I need to save Chanelle. Then the shadows speak again.
You will kill her.
I force the voices out of my head, but they always linger. I push onwards, and soon, the freezing air hits my body like a thousand tiny needles. I ignore it. Instead, I manically glance around for my sister. All I can see is the greyness of the street, and the greyness of the sky.
“They’re beautiful!”
My head is immediately shoots to my left. I freeze. Sitting on the stone wall that separates the street from a vast field of untamed grass is Chanelle. She has her back to me, and her head is still swaying from side to side.
“Look, Xavier!” She suddenly turns to me with a smile. She points towards the field. “The hurricanes are beautiful!”
So I look. I look and my heart collapses to the bottom of my gut. In the near distance, and as grey as everything else around me, is what looks like four cloudy daggers. Daggers that spin uncontrollably, and daggers that are powering straight towards us. Chanelle jumps off the wall, and moments later, she’s wandering along the field. Towards the hurricanes.
“Chanelle! Stop!” I call, but she doesn’t even flinch.
You should have listened to us.
She’s not that far away. I can catch her. I force my legs onwards, and before I realise I’m even there, I’ve reached the stone wall. Chanelle’s not far ahead. I jump over the wall, and sprint over to my sister. The winds are becoming more violent as I run further down the field, but I continue nonetheless.
“Chanelle!” I grab my sister’s arm, forcing her to stop.
“But they’re beautiful.”
“You’ve bloody said that a hundred times by now.”
What the hell have they done to her? All the shadows do is snigger in response. Chanelle tries to move forward again, but I keep hold of her. As I move my foot though, it bashes against something hard. I look down. Lying on the overgrown grass is a silver gun.
Kill her or the winds will.
No. No, no, no. I try to pull Chanelle back towards the street, but she doesn’t move. Not an inch. The shadows laugh. I try again, but it’s even harder this time. The winds are stronger now, and I don’t need to be a genius to know that in the matter of minutes, the hurricanes will arrive. I glance at the gun beside my feet.
We brought that out of your house, just for you. It would be a shame to waste it.
I shoot my eyes back up. No, I won’t.
It’s a lot less painful.
The shadows can encourage me all they want, but they can’t force me to do anything. They know that. I try pulling Chanelle away again, but it’s useless. All she does is gush about the beauty of what is about to kill her. My hair is blowing all over my face and the freezing air is making my eyes water. Chanelle isn’t even fazed by it.
She’s going to die. We’re both going to die.
You caused this... It’s all you. We spilled our predictions into your brain. You listened to them, and they became truths. You caused this.
They’re right. It’s my fault. All of this is my fault. My legs are trembling underneath me, and despite the harsh winds, sweat is racing down my forehead. I have to do something... but I... What can I do? My legs are turning even weaker.
But then I remember something.
The day I was born, the first storm occurred. That was the first time they whispered in my ears. They’d been waiting for me. For years and years, they’d been waiting for me for their whispers to become truths.
It’s all your fault.
It’s my fault, and they need me... They need me for the world to crumble into absolute nothingness. I grin. I’ve never known something so dark to be so stupid. They need me. How can their whispers be truths when no one’s able to listen to them? It’s now I finally realise how I’m supposed to fight back.
Without letting go of Chanelle, I bend down and grab the gun from the ground. Its metal is cold against my skin. I massage it with my palm. It’s so smooth.
That’s it... Kill her.
I gaze at the silver object in my hand. I could be wrong. Heck, this could be another nut job act of mine. This could just kill me and that will be it. The shadows might still win, and they might find someone else to share their whispers with, but they might not. They couldn’t do what they’ve already done without me, after all. All I can do is try. What have I got to lose? My hands are shaky as I lift the gun to my head.
No! No, kill her!
“They’re so beautiful...” Chanelle again.
It’s funny really: it’s funny how eighteen years can be stolen away with a single silver bullet. It’s a tiny thing really. Then again, so is eighteen years amongst the lifespan of the earth.
The shadows lied. My sister will not die. I won’t let her. I shut my eyes. The shadows are yelling at me; they’re screeching with their crabby voices. But they can’t stop me. I flick my finger, and that’s it. Quick and easy.
I’ve won. I know I have.


Spoiler! :
So yeah. Hidere.

I don't... I don't even know. Don't ask me what this is about because I'm just as clueless as you. I woke up this morning to find it on a MS Word document. I vaguely remember thinking I should try writing a fantasy short story because I'm planning for my next novel to be a fantasy one... but that's about it. Basically, I need to stop writing at 3:00am.

I know there are a lot of things that make no sense in this, there's no logic in it whatsoever, there are a lot of holes, and I don't even know what's going on in the end, but I'm hoping you guys can help me out with cleaning the whole thing up.
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





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Mon Aug 29, 2011 4:09 pm
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IcyFlame says...



Oh. My. God.

You're mad Skins! Seriously... I need to warn someone so you can be commited or something. A sane person just doesn't write like this...
Eugh, anyway, nitpicks:
Skins wrote:It’s not even right to use the term greenery anymore because the untamed bushes and trees outside have even turned grey.

This is a little repetetive (relating to the last sentence)
Skins wrote:I think I can confidently say that I know how the clogs work in her head; twins have that kind of power, even if we are fraternal.

I think you mean cogs, dear. Unless she has shoes in her head which, I will admit, is a possibilty with your writing.

I think there was one more but I can't remember it at all. This was completely disturbing but wonderful at the same time. Now I'm going to go bang my head against a wall, please excuse me.
Last edited by IcyFlame on Mon Aug 29, 2011 6:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Mon Aug 29, 2011 6:34 pm
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confetti says...



All that was left was a mess from strangers who’s come here for shelter.

*who'd
The shadows are tugging at my body, and they’re scraping my skin.

Towards the hurricanes.

This confused me a bit, considering they were just talking about tornadoes. Wouldn't she want to go towards the tornadoes? This is the only part of the story that bothered me. Were there hurricanes AND tornadoes? Damn.
their screeching with their crabby voices.

*they're

I reeeeally liked this. Especially the end, very haunting and beautiful. The writing, of course, is great, not many things to nitpick at.
I think you should write at 3am more often
"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads."
— Dr. Seuss
  





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Mon Aug 29, 2011 7:02 pm
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xDudettex says...



Smurf!

You do know that you writing something like this doesn't surprise me at all. I mean, it's full of death and sadness and anger and insanity and depressing thoughts. So you! The day that you write a happy story is the day that I'll start to worry about you, and wonder if you've gone insane from all of the insanity that's been building up in your stories for God knows how long.

That being said, I enjoyed this, though that's hardly surprising seeing as you wrote it. You have the uncanny knack of making even the most insanly depressing story, fun to read. That's a skill right there, that is :P

Icy and Confetti have picked up on the nit-piks, so I won't bother trying to find anything to point out. I'll just keep pointing out how insane you are instead. But, if you carry on writing stories as good at this, even at 3:00am, I think I'm going to have to come to the conclusion that a little bit of madness is good. I said a little bit, Smurf. Bear that in mind.

So, sorry for the pointless review, but I just thought I'd pet your ego a bit :)

Goo

p.s - I think the amount of times I mentioned the word 'insane' in this is insane.
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.
  





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Mon Aug 29, 2011 9:46 pm
Hiccup says...



Very nice story, I enjoyed reading it. :)
However, something that bothered me a bit...
Maybe that’s why we are where we are today. Maybe that’s why there’s not a world outside,

You used 'that's' in both sentences, which kind of threw it off for me. I'd suggust changing it a bit.

In all, it was great.
  





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Tue Aug 30, 2011 12:22 pm
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Arcticus says...



I'm amazed at your writing skills. I'm amazed by the way you put the pieces together to make a complete picture. I'm usually amazed by eerie or strange stories where the writer puts up a climax and the reader himself gets to decide the end and draw his own conclusion. The incompletenessness makes a real story sometimes.

But.. But... But... At the same time I would remark that I didn't like the end of the story. I mean, the character seemed to be a strong person at the start and in the end killing himself before the adversity was a bad end to the story. I'm sorry I feel like I hated that part. The hurricane seems to be an indicator of an incoming calamity and I don't take these things too literally.... but for me, There's no beauty in suicide, whatsoever. There's beauty in trying to break through every hurricane and every tsunami and either come out alive and breathing or die trying.

No hard feelings please. It was just a brutally honest review from my side...
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Tue Aug 30, 2011 5:35 pm
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Justlittleoleme says...



It was beautifully written! Why is it that 3 in the morning writing(or drawing) is always the best...the few nitpicks have already been pointed out so I will just give my small opinion.

I liked it, it was eerie and moving with strong imagery(I saw the whole scene in kind of a gray overcast) Though I would have added lightning strikes to the scene where they are outside...but that's just me XD Oh...and I hate it that the shadows sorta still win in the end, even though the shadows won't use her anymore they will probably just go use someone else later, so why not make her really fight them instead. I also would have loved this a hundred times more if her and her sister had some how weathered the storm out side together...or, if she had shot the gun above her sister's head and broke her out of the trance...but that's just me again XD It really is just awesome the way you wrote it...plus the character dieing in the end might leave more of an effect on people ;)
  





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Tue Aug 30, 2011 9:43 pm
annapapadimitriou123 says...



I am really impressed. THis was a great story and very well written. In fact, i forgot I was reading a story because it just felt so real. You are honestly a really talented writer, it totally grabbed me.
  





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Wed Aug 31, 2011 1:00 pm
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MiaParamore says...



Hey, Skins! :wink:

I am not supposed to be reviewing this but your novel. But since you posted it, I can't resist a short review. As you might have realized by now, I nowadays don't do long reviews but short ones. At least they seem short to me. xD!

Do you remember that the last time I reviewed a short story of your I made a comment that they don't feel like your reading. There's no smell of Skins in it? I hope you do. The reason I am mentioning this is that this time I actually smelt you everywhere. Each part read like your writing. I think you do your best when you are writing in the midnight because every time I read something you wrote when you were having insomnia, it reads perfect. I think you should write only on late night.

About this having parts where it makes no sense at all is maybe what I'll agree with you on. Even though I am unable to point to a specific thing which seemed out of place/weird, or illogical, but the overall impression was this only. But even after that I like this story. Since it's fantasy it does have the benefit of having insane logic, or no logic at all.

Something about stories having apocalypse background to them have always intrigued me. Even though this story is not like the zombies/infestation kind of a story, I liked it. Something about the fact the whole place is ruining with the nature's effect, or is so desolate makes me like this much more.

As for trying something of fantasy genre, I would try to make a point. It's good, fresh, but still it didn't reach to me as a fantasy story. I don't know why, but it didn't. Maybe it is because being a short story one can not have much time to bring in more stuff. But somehow, it seemed more of psychological problem to me. I mean with the character. He has been seeing too much of depressing stuff, families tearing apart which has maybe given his brain an illusion of 'shadows' and what they say is nothing more than his brains' stories. I don't know, just felt that to me. But then again, it could be my psychological problem. xD!

I don't have anything to say really. I have just expressed what I felt and it's most likely possible that I'm wrong. So don't feel troubled or anything because you're on the right track. :D

Keep Writing,
Mia
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Wed Aug 31, 2011 2:26 pm
zinger1912 says...



I absolutely love storied about insane people and voices! Call me weird or morbid but i dont care. this story was amazing. I'll admit that at first i didnt know what was going on but by the end of it, it all made - somewhat - sense. Just to clear one small thing up...he killed himself, right?
I'm not inclined to resign to maturity.
If it's alright, then you're all wrong.
But why bounce around to the same damn song?
I know, you know, that I'm not telling the truth.
I know, you know, they just don't have any proof.
Your worst inhibition's gonna psych you out in the end.
  





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Sat Sep 03, 2011 9:53 pm
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dragonrider says...



The first story I read is about an insane guy who kills himself. This is just like me. Okay, this is my review:

I enjoyed it. It had the perfect amount of darkness and I liked the insanity. Usually, out of all the people my age works I've read aren't good. But with you, it's clear that you enjoy writing and you've had plenty of practice. Too many authors nowdays put the "Happily Ever After" thing. It's getting old. Though the "good" guys win in your story, it had tragedy. Like I wrote, it's interesting. However, some parts are a little unclear that you might want to "clean up." Also, you might want to sprinkle some more new, exciting adjectives or else the story loses its "charm." Do you know what I mean???
Sincerely,
Dragon Rider
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Thu Sep 08, 2011 4:12 pm
Temi says...



Wow! Skins, you my friend possess a raw talent, a dark flame burns inside you and you seem to kindle it with insomnia. This was great. Your diction was simple and straight foward and your voice, your voice was pure, strong, raw, with a hint of vunrebility. Your imagery was flawless.You also made the story, a story of motion. A story thats gets you moving from the beginning to the very last word. I loved the ending. It was different from what I had in mind. I thought you would do a cliche where everythings ends happy but you didn't. You surprised your readers, which is good. It all depends on how well a particular reader deals with surprises. Keep writing and tend your flame!
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Tue Sep 13, 2011 3:19 am
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Evi says...



Oh boy, this is late. O_o

I don’t have time for that crap though. If we’re going to go out, I say we go out in style. We’re going to go out fighting because for once, I’m not letting the shadows win. They’ve probably gnawed out any sanity left inside my brain, but they haven’t destroyed me. Not yet. They can gnaw all they like because I’m not going down without a fight.


I don't like this segment, firstly because it's too informal for the tone of narration you've established (different from he tone of dialogue), and secondly because what it's saying is uninteresting and cliched. "I'm not going down without a fight"? That doesn't matter to readers, these empty and unoriginal vows of I SHALL PREVAIL. Show us what the character does to fight against the shadows rather than this.

Actually, the more I read, the more I think that your tones are fluctuating. The voice of this narrator is inconsistent-- after reading the eloquent ramblings of the beginning, reading his dialogue of "ain't" and "sod" surprised me, and for the rest of the story he gradually descends into more colloquial language. He floats in between seeming dreamy/eccentric, or even mentally insane, perhaps, and just a worried, angsty teenage brother.

You said you're not sure what this is about. There are a lot of different ways to interpret this, but my favorite interpretation is that he really is crazy/schizophrenic, and maybe his sister is too-- something genetic? To pull off that slant, though, the "worried, angsty teenage brother" parts would have to go, though, and turn into something a lot eerier, a lot more distant, a lot more abstract. And that may not be the way you want to take this-- maybe you'd rather go full-on fantasy and actually have little shadow monsters talking to him. Either way, you have to make a choice, and depending on how you want to portray this narrator (crazy or a victim of spirits) you have to make his narration more consistent.

As the words slide into my ears, I jump to my feet. I have no idea how I’m able to, but I do. The weight is released from my chest, and finally, I’m able to breathe again. I run. I run like it’s the only thing I’ve ever done.


This is...anticlimactic. There's not enough struggle beforehand to justify the importance of this bit, of him defeating his shadow tyrants to save his sister.

Instead, I manically glance around for my sister.


No one "manically glances", or even "glances around". You glance at something, but it's not really a searching verb and I don't think it fits in this context. More important, though, is that you avoid empty adverbs like "manically" that just stifle your sentence flow.

My head is immediately shoots to my left.


Now, I don't need to say what's wrong with this. :P

In the near distance, and as grey as everything else around me, is what looks like four cloudy daggers. Daggers that spin uncontrollably, and daggers that are powering straight towards us.


Okay...I have a problem with your description of hurricanes. Unlike tornadoes, you cannot really see a hurricane spinning, especially not four! Hurricanes are massive tropical storms that just cause the coastline to be extremely windy and experience torrential downpours-- it's not like you see this spiral hurtling towards you, and it's not like at one instance you're engulfed in a hurricane. It's a more gradual disaster, one that would cause the city to have been raining and gusting for hours (maybe days) until it eventually because so bad that it causes real damage.

Overall, my biggest issue is the tone, but the end also confused me. I don't follow his thought process- how would committing suicide help everything? I'd understand if he had some whacko reason or if the gun just glinted in the storm light and tempted him, but he seems to try and actually justify it. This justification doesn't make sense, though. Killing himself leaves Chanelle in the hurricane, and without her only other companion. It's a rather selfish thing to do, actually.

Okay, so, good job! Just clean your characterization and work on his train of thought. PM me for anything!

~Evi
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