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The night I died (the longer version)



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Mon Aug 29, 2011 6:14 am
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Twinkle4ever says...



The Night I Died

I was strolling outside under the beautiful night sky. The stars looked like tiny droplets of light hanging above the clouds. I really felt like flying in the sky and hanging out with the stars. Too bad that only happened in fantasy stories. I was walking through the park when I noticed something behind the trees from afar. I inched towards it.

There was dead silence. The wind blew, pressing my dark, waist-long hair onto my face. I looked ahead towards the faraway trees. They appeared to me like several black skeletons shivering in the cold night. Just then I glimpsed a fraction of something long and white flowing from behind one of the trees. I squinted; slowly edging towards it.

The thing disappeared. Suddenly, I heard a piercing shriek. It was so loud that I clapped both my hands onto my ears, backing away. I thought the world had turned upside down! It sounded like the shattering of glass mixed with the high pitched whistling of a kettle. No, it was a lot louder than that. It made my ears go numb, although I knew it was a mental shriek. I screamed too.

All of a sudden, as if someone had just turned off a switch, the shrieking stopped. I dropped to the ground and sat there, breathing frantically. My hands were still clasping my head.

A tiny voice at the back of my mind spoke,
“Danger,” it said, and my heart started hammering inside my chest. There was no doubt about it that it wasn’t my voice at all. Something was speaking to me!

‘No!’ I thought, ‘It’s not possible. Things like these only happen in storybooks; not real life…’

It seemed like a prank to me, but who would want to prank me at a time like this? I got up steadily, bracing myself to continue walking. With every step I took, my heart would pound harder. Sweat prickled down my forehead and into my cornflower eyes. I blinked. Something would stir inside my brain as a warning for me to back away but I was curious. Who could be stupid enough to do this?

My breathing was very uneven. I paused again mid-way. After taking deep, long breaths, I walked quickly, taking long strides this time. The cold and vicious wind swooped at me, leaving me immobilized for a split second but I wasn’t one to give up. I gulped and marched forward hesitantly.

I wasn’t quite sure how it happened but it knocked my breath away.

I’d tripped on something and was falling forward towards a thorny bush. I didn’t want to get scratched; not in front of the prank-person. I closed my eyes and immediately after that, my fall was cut short. Something soft and feathery had brushed my face for only an instant after which I stumbled forward.

I opened my eyes. The bush was only an inch away from me and I was standing safely on my feet. Although I had no idea how it had been possible for me to not even get pricked by a single thorn. The wind suddenly whipped my face. I shivered, rubbing my arms and turning around to look at what had tripped me like that.

That’s when I fell into a shock. I stared wide-eyed at the thing lying on the ground in front of me. Even in this dark I could detect the red blood still bleeding from it. From afar it might have seemed like an ordinary branch when instead… it was an arm!

A human arm was lying there with blood spurting out of it, creating a tiny pool of blood underneath it. I gasped. An alarm rang in my head as my eyes lingered towards the white creature which stood a foot away from the arm.

It was wearing a white, hooded cape. The hood hid its face. There was a pair of white, feathery wings sticking out from its back. I opened my mouth to say something but no voice came out. I was frightened to the depths of my heart.

“I told you to stay away…” It told me telepathically. This time it wasn’t a whisper. It was a soft murmur in my ear or mind, I couldn’t really tell. My legs were wobbly. As I tried to back away, tiny needles pinched my back making me jump forward quickly. I accidentally stepped onto the arm and it moved! In only a blink of an eye, it clutched my ankle, digging its sharp decayed nails into my flesh. I gasped in pain, trying to pull my leg away but it was useless.

The winged creature watched me silently the whole time. I looked up, ignoring the stinging ache.

“Who are you?” I demanded trying to raise my voice but what came out was a tiny whisper.

Wind blew again, blowing the thing’s hood off its face as I stared. He was beautiful. He had snow white skin which made the moon look dim. His eyes were blazing red, staring into my frightened ones. He was tall and muscular; hair as dark as the night. I realized then just how scared I was. My arms were trembling and I pinched myself to wake up from this nightmare but it didn’t happen.

“I warned you…” there was that voice again, sending goose bumps up my arms.

I closed my eyes shut and tried to picture myself waking up. It still didn’t happen!

Finally, after a few seconds of trying I gave up and opened my eyes again. I blinked. The person was no longer standing there. I looked down towards the ground, the arm was gone and there was no sign of blood there; although my leg was still throbbing.

I sighed. ‘It must’ve been my hallucinations after all,’ I thought when suddenly, something grabbed my shoulders. My heart thudded loudly as I tried to scream but one hand instantly covered my mouth.

“Oh, is that what you think?” said the soft voice in my ear, I was sure of it this time. I could feel the person’s cold breath on my neck…

A pair of sharp teeth pierced into my neck and I screamed…

It was the night I’d actually died. My parents had found my body lying near the same thorny bush with all the blood drained from my face. That night, I walked as a human. Now, I walk merely as a spirit.

---This isn't the end. The story goes on. Please read 'the night I died (did I really die?)'. The title doesn't really give away the story here. :) ---
Last edited by Twinkle4ever on Fri Sep 02, 2011 1:23 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Mon Aug 29, 2011 8:46 am
Euhuman says...



Really really nice.. A slight touch of more suspense and it would be even more awesome!
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Mon Aug 29, 2011 11:52 am
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YellowAeroplane says...



Good, I like it. Maybe a little more suspense, but otherwise it is really good
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Mon Aug 29, 2011 12:55 pm
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Noelle says...



Hi there!

First I'd like to say that you did a good job pulling me in a keeping me reading. You did a great job keeping the story moving and you kept a good pace. I like the way you described what was happening to your character. I could see everything that was happening in my head. And when you described that arm on the ground you did a great job. I'm definitely a squeamish person and you made me squirm. Good job!

All right, now the rest of this review will be a mix between my comments (both positive and negative) and things I think you should change.

I like the way you established the setting in the very first paragraph. Now we know where your character is, what the weather's like and that it's night time. I really like the description of the stars, they sound lovely!

Too bad that only happened in fantasy storybooks.

This word sounds a little awkward to me. I think you should use novels or stories instead.

I walked was walking through the park when I noticed something behind the trees from afar.

By saying your character walked through the park, it sounds like they aren't in the park anymore. Make sense?

Right off the bat the second paragraph brings an ominous feel to the piece. It goes from a carefree walk in the park to a run for your life situation. But of course, being a story, the character must go investigate. The way you described the screams was perfect! I never would've thought of something like that. It's imteresting how the character can only hear the screams inside their head.

It seemed like a prank to me, but who would want to prank me at a time like this?

The character thinks this is a prank? Classic! I alway think it's funny when characters refuse to believe that they're in trouble. You just want to yell, 'run away already!'

Now, this whole deal with the thorn bush is confusing. So, your character sees the bush and she (I'm sorry if the character is a guy, but I'm just going to say 'she' from now on) trips, falling toward the bush. But then, she's pulled backwards and is unhurt? Did she feel a hand grab her shirt? Did someone reach around her to pull her back up? I highly doubt that someone could save her and she wouldn't feel a think. Make sense?

Now we meet the creature that has been making her freak out. The way you described him made him sound like an angel. I find this a little weird because people think of angels as nice, calm, helpful beings. Maybe you did this to create that false sense of security?

“I warned you…” there was that voice again, sending goose bumps all over up my arms.

I think it would work better if you said the goosebumps spread up their arms rather than all over. I just think it sounds better that way.

So, was this creature a vampire or what? Did your character ever figure out why she was killed? You've left me with some unanswered questions.

Overall this is a good story. Keep writing!
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

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Mon Aug 29, 2011 11:23 pm
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GeekyKid says...



Enjoyed reading this piece..fantastic work..more suspense would have made it better..and a few errors..but good job :)
  





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Tue Aug 30, 2011 1:33 am
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Rock n' Roll Queen says...



I have to say that I love this, although I will have to agree with the others. I wanted more suspense, but you did a great job holding my attention. It was great! I hope you turn this into a novel.
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Tue Aug 30, 2011 9:42 pm
Twinkle4ever says...



Thanks for all your comments!! :) :)
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Thu Sep 01, 2011 7:04 pm
Ranger Hawk says...



Hey Twinkle! Here as requested. :D

All right, so first off I've just got to say: great job! I can see the places that you changed and fixed the story up, and it really shows! I notice you made an effort to show instead of tell, and it definitely has improved. I had a much better idea of the setting and the characters' appearances due to your descriptions, and the story definitely felt more solid because of that.

I love the addition of the arm actually grabbing her, by the way. Moving, dismembered appendages are always a win.

Even in this dark I could detect the red blood still bleeding from it. From afar it might have seemed like an ordinary branch when instead… it was an arm!

A human arm was lying there with blood spurting out of it, creating a tiny pool of blood underneath it.

This is all a bit repetitive, what with the multiple uses of "blood" or some form of it within such a small amount of space. Try coming up with a couple of other terms; for example, instead of "bleeding," you could say "dripping" or "pouring." And in the last instance of "blood," you could say "a pool of redness" or something descriptive of the blood's actual appearance. Finally, if the blood is spurting out, it would actually spatter instead of creating a tiny pool, so you want to fix the inconsistency there.

Well, I really don't have much else to say; you obviously worked hard on fixing this up and making it even better. Great job! Keep up the good work. :D

Cheers!
~Hawk
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Thu Sep 01, 2011 8:02 pm
coolsaitek says...



First off I would like to say : It would suck to die like that

but your writing skills were rather good, portrayed the story fluidly, decent description and it was easy to read.
I find myself agreeing with the others when they say "add suspense", but what you do have so far is a gripping short story and I do believe it could be improved in the "thriller" department.
Good story so far.
Perhaps making the title little less vague? it almost gave the story away before I started reading.
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Fri Sep 02, 2011 1:00 pm
Starlight9 says...



Fantastic! I loved the story and what I loved more about it is your ability to give out descriptions well fitting to every scene in your story. That one for example.
It sounded like the shattering of glass mixed with the high pitched whistling of a kettle.

> I loved how you pictured that awful sound that girl was hearing. It was the right description at the right place.

Someone was speaking to me!


The ending may seem predictable from the title but you've managed to make it well-written. I loved the last statement.
Overall, it was a great story and I've enjoyed reading every part of it. Well done : )
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Fri Sep 02, 2011 8:56 pm
carbonCore says...



There are two main ways that I'm aware of to create suspense. One is the brute-force method, which you attempt here and which authors such as H. P. Lovecraft have perfected-- it is to say and show as much terror as you can cram into words. The other, favoured by Stephen King and best exemplified (in my opinion) in the story The Great God Pan by Arthur Machen, is implying horror. So a comparison of the two styles--

The brute force method is highly effective when used well, but is difficult to master. To use it well means to have a large vocabulary, a grasp on connotations for picking the most effective words, and a feel for sentence pacing. Unfortunately, few of these qualities are present in this story, and so I suggest you try the other, implicit method, to write horror.

Did you know that in the Dark Ages, when torture was still the big thing, about sixty percent of people to be tortured never actually were? The proper procedure for torture was to first show the subject all torture devices and explain, in detail, how they worked. Their minds made the torture out to be so horrible that they confessed to whatever their crime might have been before actually being subjected to any. This technique also works in writing.

A little blood stain here, a torn cloth there. You don't need to worry about how you phrase things as much as being able to create and accurately describe various implicitly frightening situations -- as in, things that are by themselves not frightening but suggest something that is. For instance, in a fantasy horror story, you might describe a legend about creatures that appear out of thin air to howl between worlds wherever and whenever a lightning in the summer solstice strikes. Later in the story, you might have the hero investigate the disappearance of his girlfriend at her house, only to find muddy footsteps leading through the house and out into the patio. There, the hero discovers a large black mark in the otherwise perfect wooden deck and a strong, fresh scent of sulfur -- as if after a powerful lightning-strike.

Anyway, the reason I suggest these things is because different styles work for different people, and as it is, your current style isn't doing much for me. I will not go through your whole story with the red pen, just because I feel that doing so in any review is insulting the author's intelligence. Instead, let's cover one paragraph and see what we can dissect from there.

I was strolling outside under the beautiful night sky. The stars looked like tiny droplets of light hanging above the clouds. I really felt like flying in the sky and hanging out with the stars. Too bad that only happened in fantasy stories. I was walking through the park when I noticed something behind the trees from afar. I inched towards it.


The first three sentences have the narrator fantasizing about the night sky. Great, but how does it apply to the rest of the story? You erase all of them right away with "Too bad that only happens in fantasy stories.", and it seems to me as if those sentences were not needed at all. They do not set the mood -- you're writing horror, not romance. If you were going for shock value by lulling the reader in at first and then abruptly making the story scary, you didn't make it abrupt enough. A good opening paragraph with strong shock value goes on for a bit before changing tone in a matter of a couple of words -- not two sentences, like in your story. Here's a quick example of such a paragraph (although it isn't horror -- it's from a book called Slaughterhouse-Five):

Kurt Vonnegut wrote:"Trout, incidentally, had written a book about a money tree. It had twenty-dollar bills for leaves. Its flowers were government bonds. Its fruit was diamonds. It attracted human beings who killed each other around the roots and made very good fertilizer."


But, of course, there are exceptions to the rule. May I present the opening parts of L'Hiver Approche, written by none other than our very own Jagged:

Jake brings him home. Says, “Mommy, I found an angel”, and you’re not paying attention, so you make a sound like a hum, say “How nice” and when Jake asks “Can he come in?” you nod, “Of course”.

It’s only when you turn around to rid him of his scarf and jacket that you realize there’s something there by his side; hunched-up wings and bright eyes all over, and shaped like a boy as seen through a thick lens through water, standing by your son like it wants to crawl under his skin to see how the world’s like from there. Like it’s terribly cold and only the warmth of a tiny beating heart can make better, like it could at any time take Jake in its arms and fly somewhere far, far away.


...so really, it's a matter of which style is good. But you won't get good by sticking to just the one style, and so I highly recommend you both read more (more of anything, not just horror -- Vonnegut's book is anything but a horror story, and yet I can vouch that if you read that book, you will become a better writer no matter the genre you write in), and write more, experimenting in different styles. I don't have a right-off-the-bat example from someone else on YWS, so, self-serving as it may be, I'll just quote myself--

Furtive eyes spied me from beneath the cover of a makeshift cattle pen, and a strange thing for which I knew no name briefly slithered between the crude rock foundations of the shanty. As I reached for the door, the oppressive black serpent of Fear coiled about my throat.

^ I wrote this after reading a lot of Lovecraft

He drove his thumb through the bottom of the squealing kid's chin, his nail piercing the skin. He dragged him by that wound, as if a fish by a fishing hook, to the nearest stop sign a few meters away. The sign was rusted, and had very sharp edges.

^ I wrote this after reading a lot of Vonnegut

Two very different styles, but both are written by me, and both are from rather morbid stories. I can't say whether I've become better at writing after mixing up my styles, but I did gain perspective, letting me see flaws in my earlier stories which I didn't even suspect were there. To see flaws you weren't aware of -- definitely a plus in my books.

Your hooded figure,
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Sat Sep 03, 2011 7:58 pm
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IcyFlame says...



You have so many reviews here! How am I supposed to follow Ranger and Carbon? :(

Now I can't nitpick, or really talk about tension seeing as they have been covered. What I noticed when reading the piece was that you still seem to be very list like. Let me grab a section and I'll show you what I mean.
Twinkle4ever wrote:I opened my eyes. The bush was only an inch away from me and I was standing safely on my feet. Although I had no idea how it had been possible for me to not even get pricked by a single thorn. The wind suddenly whipped my face. I shivered, rubbing my arms and turning around to look at what had tripped me like that.

This roughly reads like this:
I did this. This was here. But there was this. The thing did this. I did this and this and this.
See how repetetive that can seem? Try to rearrange your sentences and add some of the characters thoughts in so it doesn't read too similarly.
Don't forget to throw in that description - especially similies and metaphors!

Hope I helped a little, and sorry this was late!
Icy
  








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