z

Young Writers Society


The Charms of Opher (Part 1)



User avatar
46 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1396
Reviews: 46
Fri Aug 26, 2011 6:29 pm
Xreigon says...



I'm kind of new at this, so any comment would help a bunch.
_____________________________________________________________

Sometimes, I wish that I could curse my parents. What kind of people names their child Lykaios? Wolf-like? How were they supposed to know if I was wolf-like? I really don’t understand people sometimes. Especially my parents. My parents are insane. My name is only a start. They planted grass on our roof after hearing that it gives you better ventilation. Also, how am I supposed to explain to my friends why our house is painted twenty different colors? They’re not going to care if my mom thought that it needed her “personal touch”. The inside of our house isn’t any better. The floor is covered in painters plastic and there are paint cans and brushes everywhere. I guess that it all comes from having artists for parents.

My mom and dad are what people would call professional artists. I call them professional destroyers. They wreck anything they touch. One day, we received a delivery of flowers from a relative. My dad took one look at them and said that they were not colorful enough, even though they were the brightest reds, yellows, and oranges. My mom agreed and they proceed to cover them in purple glitter. Those flowers died within the week. There was nothing normal about our family. Instead of watching TV at night, we would stand on ladders and drop balloons filled with paint on top of giant canvases. I can’t believe that people actually call this art.

We used to have a cat, but we hadn’t seen her for a month. We kept putting out her food, and it kept disappearing, but there was no sign of little Catabelle. We weren’t worried, though. One time, she disappeared, and then turned up a year later, sleeping peacefully on the couch.

Our neighbors must think that we are crazy. Our doorbell sounds like an old car horn, our mailbox looks like a donkey (it opens when you pull its ear), and we get UPS deliveries every day, most of them the size of a couch. Last year, mom ordered a truckload of metal scraps. We still find nails in our yard. You can probably see why I don’t I invite any of my friends over.

You know, I have been sitting here and complaining, but deep down inside, I love my life. There is never a dull moment. My parents let me get away with mostly anything. I enjoy the freedom of being an artist. People think you’re crazy, but appreciate your work.

My art teachers are always complementing my work, but they don’t know that I am raised by two “professional artists”. I can sketch anything, paint anything, sculpt anything, and who knows what else. I have been doing art since my hands could hold a paintbrush. Sometimes, I get tired of, “Who wants to demonstrate how to draw a dog? Lyka, why don’t you try your hand at it?” But I do love Nix’s jealous glares.

Nixon Crytew was the most annoying kid at the school. He has black hair that falls to his shoulders and black eyes that show no mercy. His dad owns the biggest company in Rock Stream and Nix thinks that he can get away with anything because of it. He loves to taunt me because of my paint splattered clothes. I had punched him more than once, but soon learned that it wasn’t worth the trouble that I got in. Now, I would ignore him, but would anonymously prank him. He knew that it was me, but he couldn’t prove it. My best friends Ashley, Kathryn and Marco stood up to him, but other than me, they were the only ones.

That morning, I had rolled out bed and quickly slipped into a white dress over a pair of boot cut jeans. I spent the rest of the morning searching for my converse, only to find them beside my bed. I heard the bus and ran out the door, grabbing a sandwich from the fridge. I sprinted to the bus and threw myself into a seat. I took a bite of my sandwich, and then realized whom I was sitting next to. It was Tristyn, the most popular boy at school. He had short blond hair and bright green eyes. He was on the swim team and the muscles in his arms proved it. I swallowed and said, “Hi.” Nice introduction, isn’t it?

He replied, “Hi. Why are you eating a ham sandwich for breakfast?”

“Oh. Um…,”I said, “I spent the entire morning looking for my shoes and when the bus came, I grabbed it from the fridge. Mom and Dad were still asleep; they don’t get up before ten. What did you have for breakfast?” I mentally kicked myself for a lame reply. I guess that it came from the fact that I have had a crush on Tristyn for six years.

“I didn’t eat breakfast. My dad put me on this new swimmer’s diet that doesn’t include breakfast,” he said unhappily. He was glaring at my sandwich as if it had done something wrong, but his glare soon turned to a hungry look.

“Here. I won’t tell.” I tore my sandwich in half and handed half to him. He took it and bit into it. In two more bites, it was gone.

He said, “Thanks. I needed that.” I glanced at the rest of the sandwich and gave it to him.

He looked at me questioningly and I said, “Go ahead. My friend Ashley always brings way too much breakfast and I can eat some of hers.” It was a total lie.

“You’re a lifesaver, Lyka. Thanks.” He knew my name!

Kathryn stepped on the bus and said, “Hey, Lyka. Would you mind helping me?” She was carrying a giant pile of books and trying to stagger back to a seat.

I replied, “Sure. Bye, Tristyn.” As I stood up to go, he caught my arm.

I turned to him and he said, “See you around sometime?”

“I should think so. We go to the same school, you know. Maybe you could find me at lunch. Bye, Tristyn.” I took most of the books from Kathryn’s arms and her blue eyes and long brown hair appeared.

“Thanks. Let’s see if there’s an empty seat,” she said and I followed her. I looked down at the books for a second, and a second later, I was sprawled on the floor.

Nix said, “Oh. Sorry, Lyka. I didn’t see you there.” His voice dripped with scorn and I barely stopped myself from exploding. I stood up and collected the books. Nix knocked them out of my hands and said, “Wow, Lyka. Have you lost your nerve? No comments?”

Surprisingly, a voice from behind me said, “Nix, lay off.” I sat up and turned to thank the speaker. It was Tristyn. He had a cold look on his face and he said, “I’m tired of seeing you torture her, just because her dad is not as rich as yours. So, lay off.” Apparently, everyone else was just as stunned as I was, because no one spoke. Tristyn knelt beside me and picked up the books that I had dropped. I snapped out of my trance and helped him. Kathryn had found us a seat and I carried the books over to her. Tristyn followed me and handed Kathryn the rest of the books.

She stared at him and I said, “Thanks. Kathryn means to say thank you, too.”

He shrugged and said, “No big deal. Someone needed to stand up to him.”

He stood there awkwardly for second, until I said, “Well, thanks. I’ll see you later, ok?” He nodded and went back over to his seat.

I turned to Kathryn and whispered, “Did you see that? Or am I dreaming?”

She replied, “I saw that. But I still think that you might be dreaming.” The bus stopped and Marco and Ashley came in. They sat in the seat next to us, hands intertwined. They had been dating for a few weeks, though from the outside it would have been hard to believe. Ashley had long blond hair, bright blue eyes, and wore cute clothes, while Marco had shoulder length black hair; his ears were pierced and he always wore black. Ashley smiled to us, but she stopped when she saw our faces.

She whispered hastily, “What’s the matter?”

I replied, “Nothing’s wrong, just unbelievable.” I whispered to her what happened.

She smiled and said, “Not unbelievable. Fate. You two are totally meant to be.” Ashley believed that everything happened for a reason. She never stopped to consider that it might be a coincidence. I did.

The bus stopped at Rock Stream High School and everyone got out. I walked to my locker and opened it get out a few of my books. A box fell into my hands. It wasn’t big, just a small red box. A piece of paper was attached to it and I pulled it off. It read, Happy Birthday. I opened the box, confused. My birthday was a month ago. Inside was a charm bracelet. It had purple beads and a green ribbon to fasten it on. There were five charms on it and they were quite strange. One was a horse, one was a heart, one was a present, one was a book and one was a mountain. I saw a little slip of paper in the bottom of the box and I picked it up. It said, Horse=Animal, Present=Object, Book=Knowledge, Mountain=Place, Heart=Love. Use, but I do not advise using heart charm. Opher is not responsible for grave consequences if bracelet is misused. Please use very wisely.

That was confusing. How could a bracelet give you grave consequences? How could you use a heart charm? Why did they have meanings? I flipped the card over, but nothing was written on the back. I stuffed the box back into my locker and fastened the bracelet around my wrist. It didn’t match my dress, but I didn’t care. I grabbed the book that I needed and walked to class.

During the class, my teacher pulled out a pop quiz. I knew most of the questions, but I was stuck on a few of them. I murmured quietly, “I wish that I automatically knew the answers.” I tended to say things like this to myself, even though I knew that it wouldn’t happen. Except this time, it worked. I realized the answers and filled them in right before the quiz ended. It was weird how that worked. The next few classes I said things like that again, but none of them worked.

At lunch, Ashley said, “I didn’t see that bracelet on you earlier. Where did you get it?” I told her what happened and showed her the bracelet. She replied, “I thought that you said it had a book charm.”

I said, “It does. In between the present and the mountain charms.” I spun the bracelet around, but the charm was gone. I took the bracelet off and looked again. It wasn’t there.

Ashley said, “It must have fallen off.”

“But there’s not an empty space in between the other charms, where it should have been. It’s like it was never there,” I said puzzled. The charm was gone, but it was almost as if the other charms moved to compensate for it. The four charms were evenly spaced along the bracelet. Weird.

During the course of the day, I forgot all about the charm bracelet. It was around my wrist, but I was too focused on my schoolwork (for once) to think about it. That night when I came home, my mom said, “Hey, honey. Where did you get that bracelet? Did your class make it today?” She was dousing our living room in paint. It never stayed the same color for more than a week.

I replied, “No. I found it in my locker. Isn’t that weird?”

My mom continued painting the wall, and said, “I guess. Oh, well. What else happened?” I told her about the bus ride, the box, and the missing charm.

She calmly climbed down from her ladder and replied, “Well, you had a busy day. Why don’t you go get changed? We are going to deliver the bug painting, then tonight we’re doing abstract.” I smiled. Abstract was my favorite. No rules, no limitations, no exceptions. I walked up to my room and changed into my painting jeans and shirt. I put my hair up in a ponytail and went back out to the living room.

My mom pointed to a paintbrush and said, “Can I get a hand? I want two bluebirds right in the middle, but mine aren’t as good as yours.” I grinned, thinking that her birds were just as good as mine were, sometimes better. I took a charcoal pencil and sketched a couple of bluebirds. I also accidentally got charcoal on my face, but I didn’t care. I spent the next half an hour on the painting and I had almost finished it when I heard the familiar old car horn.

My mom said, “I don’t remember any more deliveries for today. Maybe your dad ordered something. Can you get it?”

“Sure.” I wiped my hands on my jeans, stuck my paintbrush behind my ear and went to get the door.
  





User avatar
23 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 1178
Reviews: 23
Fri Aug 26, 2011 10:09 pm
Mjdwrite says...



There was is nothing normal about our family. Instead of watching TV at night, we would would should go. stand on ladders and drop balloons filled with paint on top of giant canvases. I can’t believe that people actually call this art.



We used to have a cat, but we hadn’t haven't. You have been writing in present tense and you randomly switched to past without warning or reason. BTW, I am reading this backwards, so any comments ahead of this are because of the order that I am currently reading in. seen her for a month. We kept putting out her food, and it kept disappearing, but there was no sign of little Catabelle. We weren’t aren't worried, though. One time, she disappeared, and then turned up a year later, sleeping peacefully on the couch.


I sprinted to the bus and threw myself into a seat. I took a bite of my sandwich, and then realized whom I was sitting next to. It was Tristyn, the most popular boy at school. He had short blond hair and bright green eyes. He was on the swim team and the muscles in his arms proved it. I swallowed and said, “Hi.” Nice introduction, isn’t it?


I like this part a whole lot!

“Oh. Um…,”I said, “I spent the entire morning looking for my shoes and when the bus came, I grabbed it from the fridge. Mom and Dad were still asleep; they don’t get up before ten. What did you have for breakfast?” I mentally kicked myself for a lame reply. I guess that it came from the fact that I have had a crush on Tristyn for six years.

Why were the parents mentioned?

That was confusing. How could a bracelet give you grave consequences? How could you use a heart charm? Why did they have meanings? I flipped the card over, but nothing was written on the back. I stuffed the box back into my locker and fastened the bracelet around my wrist. It didn’t match my dress, but I didn’t care. I grabbed the book that I needed and walked to class.


Itty bitty thing, she was wearing a white dress, was she not? White matches anything.


My mom pointed to a paintbrush and said, “Can I get a hand? I want two bluebirds right in the middle, but mine aren’t as good as yours.” I grinned, thinking that her birds were just as good as mine were, sometimes better. I took a charcoal pencil and sketched a couple of bluebirds. I also accidentally got charcoal on my face, but I didn’t care.


My only thing with this is I do not really understand how you would get charcoal on your face. Maybe just the fact that I have never done any artsy things like that is why I do not understand. Sorry.

Overall I really like it. I love the little foreshadowing with the note and the quiz. Great! It was a really good and captivating story. I thought it was a bit odd that she sounded like she did not have a whole lot of money, but her parents bought enough paint to redo the living room one or more times a week! Is paint really cheap or do they actually make a pretty decent amount of money and they just spend it all the time.
"It is perfectly okay to write garbage – as long as you edit brilliantly" C.J. Cherryh
  





User avatar
41 Reviews



Gender: Other
Points: 1408
Reviews: 41
Sat Aug 27, 2011 8:06 pm
AwesomeSocks says...



This story is great! I love the foreshadowing with the charms and the quiz. There was a bit of rambling at the beginning, but it carried on quite nicely.
At the beginning, instead of just telling your reader all the weird things about Lyka's family, you could include it bit by bit in the story. Some parts were good there, but I thought the part about her cat was a little unnecessary.
I really liked the part with Lyka and Tristyn. They sound like they would make a good couple! Nixon annoys me, but I suppose that's the point of his character.
I can't wait for more (so I guess I'll read the second part?)!
transmissions from space
  





User avatar
34 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 3287
Reviews: 34
Sun Aug 28, 2011 2:38 am
LostMagi42 says...



Hello! I loved this piece, and cannot wait to read the second part.

The only issue I had was as follows:

I walked to my locker and opened it get out a few of my books


You missed a whole word here. I loved the story, but that error really made me pause and ponder. Before posting, I find it helpful to do a quick review so as to not embarass myself with silly mistakes. I do not mean any offense, but I suggest you do the same. It will help. Trust me.

Other than that, the piece flowed nicely. I loved the litle seasonings of foreshadowing you added. It brought back memories of that word (bad experience, but good job! The quality of the memory was nothing you could do, but the fact that you triggered a flashback is a job well done!)
I did not notice any errors in punctuation or capitalization, but you did have trouble with tenses. (Dont worry, I do it too. In fact, I bet we all do it.)
Anyways, good job, good work, and good luck in future writing!



-----LostMagi
"Fourty-two"
- Deep Thought

"There is no spoon"
-Strange Child

"C IS FOR COOKIE! THATS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!"
- Cookie Monster, may he Rest In Peace

"Bow ties are cool"
- The Doctor
  





User avatar
43 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 368
Reviews: 43
Sun Aug 28, 2011 6:48 pm
DragonGirl11 says...



Happy Review Day!

This story was really good, except for several mix-ups in tenses the others have pointed out already. I saw a few of those in the beginning few paragraphs. Other than that, you really captured the lifestyle of the artists' family. (I wish I had parents like that!) For some reason, though, I thought Lykaios was a boy until she put on a dress.

Let's see if I can find any nitpicks...

Yup, there's a couple I picked up on. I won't use the obnoxious quote tags this time, as you've only got minor mistakes in an otherwise lovely story.
"The floor is covered in painter's plastic" Add in the apostrophe.
"“Oh. Um…,”I said, “I spent the entire morning looking for my shoes...”" Is "I said" really neccesary there?
"swimmer’s diet that doesn’t include breakfast" That doesn't make much sense. Isn't breakfast the most important meal of the day?
I saw a lot of y's: Lyka, Tristyn, Kathryn, Ashley... Maybe it's just me, but I get annoyed when I see so many of the same letter.

Well, that's just about it right now. I can't wait to read part two!

Write on, and God bless.
~*~

"You could look at the raindrops on your window, or you could look through the window and see the rainbow."
~K.C. Oxford

<YWS>
  








"Come quickly, I am drinking the stars!"
— Dom Pérignon