Young Writers Society

I was strolling outside under the beautiful night sky. The stars looked like tiny droplets of light hanging above the clouds. I really felt like flying in the sky and hanging out with the stars. Too bad that only happened in fantasy storybooks. I walked through the park when I noticed something behind the trees from afar. I inched towards it.

There was silence. I could only glimpse a fraction of something long and white flowing from behind one of the trees. As I crept closer, the thing disappeared. I paused. I could hear a tiny whisper at the corner of my mind, telling me to turn back.

“Danger,” it said and my heart started hammering inside my chest. There was no doubt about it that it wasn’t my voice at all. The thing was speaking to me!

‘No!’ I thought, ‘It’s not possible. Things like these only happen in storybooks; not real life…’

It seemed like a prank to me, but who would want to prank me at a time like this? I braced myself and continued walking. With every step, my heart would pound harder. Something would stir inside my brain as a warning for me to back away but I was curious. Who could be stupid enough to do this?

My breathing was very uneven. I paused again mid-way. After taking deep, long breaths, I walked quickly, taking long strides this time.

I wasn’t quite sure how it happened but it knocked my breath away.

I’d tripped on something and was falling forward towards a thorny bush. I didn’t want to get scratched; not in front of the prank-person. I closed my eyes and immediately after that, my fall was cut short. Something soft and feathery had brushed my face for only a minute second after which I stumbled forward.

I opened my eyes. The bush was only an inch away from me and I was standing safely on my feet. Although I had no idea how it had been possible for me to not even get pricked by a single thorn. The wind suddenly whipped my face. I shivered, rubbing my arms and turning around to look at what had tripped me like that.

That’s when I fell into a shock. I stared wide-eyed at the thing lying on the ground in front of me. Even in this dark I could detect the red blood still bleeding from it. From afar it might have seemed like an ordinary branch when instead… it was an arm!

A cut-off human arm was lying there with blood spurting out of it, creating a tiny pool of blood underneath it. I gasped. Alarm rang in my head as my eyes lingered towards the white creature which stood a foot away from the arm.
It was wearing a white, hooded cape. The hood hid its face. There was a pair of white, feathery wings sticking out from its back.

“I told you to stay away…” It told me telepathically. This time it wasn’t a whisper. It was a soft murmur in my ear or mind, I couldn’t really tell.

“Who are you?” I demanded trying to raise my voice but what came out was a tiny whisper.

Wind blew again, blowing the thing’s hood off its face as I stared. He was beautiful. He had crimson white skin and he wore the mask of a killer. His eyes were blazing red, staring into my frightened ones. I realized then just how scared I was. My arms were trembling and I pinched myself to wake up from this nightmare but it didn’t happen.

“I warned you…” there was that voice again, sending goose bumps all over my arms.

I closed my eyes shut and tried to picture myself waking up. It still didn’t happen!

Finally, after a few seconds of trying I gave up and opened my eyes again. I blinked. The person was no longer standing there. I looked down towards the ground, the arm was gone and there was no sign of blood there.

I sighed with relief. ‘It must’ve been my hallucinations after all,’ I thought when suddenly, something grabbed my shoulders. My heart thudded loudly as I tried to scream but one hand instantly covered my mouth.

“Oh, is that what you think?” said the soft voice in my ear, I was sure of it this time. I could feel the person’s cold breath on my neck…
A pair of teeth pierced into my neck and I screamed…

It was the night I’d actually died. My parents had found my body lying near the same thorny bush with all the blood drained from my face. That night, I walked as a human. Now, I walk merely as a spirit.


Warning! Don’t ever walk outside at night. You don’t know what creatures lurk in the shadows, awaiting you…

I like how you used the word Hammered while refering to your heart. One thing you might consider is making some of the sentences more vivid and a little longer. I like it though and thank you very much for sharing.

Hello! I will begin to review your work now

warning for me to back away, but I was curious

I thought it would be a bit better if you added a comma.

My breathing was very uneven. so I paused again in mid-way

This is just an option.

for only a minute second

I didn't understand this part D: Maybe explain to me?

A cut-off human arm

I think 'half a human arm' would sound better. Again, another option.

Overall, it was a very spooky piece. The ending made me shiver! Good thing I'm reading this in broad daylight
Could have added more imagery to REALLY get us spooked
Can't wait to hear more from you!

this story is great and full of emotion and has lot of great descriptions like in the first part, it says, 'The stars looked like tiny droplets of light hanging above the clouds.' that was one of the best sentences for descripion i taught. but the sentence that said 'I was in a good mood that night.' i thaught you could have described exsactly how you felt rather than just puting in a good mood.

Hello, Hawk here for a review!

All right, so I think this is an intriguing story. Definitely makes me want to know just who this angel/vampire guy is and why he's stalking random people at night to kill them. I loved the part where she finds the severed arm. That was just so random and unexpected and totally entertaining. XD

I do think you could stand to use a little more description in the story. I never had a good idea of who was narrating the tale (not even sure of the gender, but I'm assuming it's female since the tone seems to fit). You could mention just a couple of things, like the length of her hair or an article of clothing she's wearing, like a hoodie or something, just so the reader has an idea of what her appearance is. Kind of difficult to imagine the events happening in the story if you don't know what to picture for the main character.

The setting was pretty easy to imagine, so I don't think you need much more description there. The killer guy was fairly well described, though I wasn't too sure what you meant by this sentence: "He had crimson white skin and he wore the mask of a killer." Firstly, I'm not sure how you're blending the crimson and white into his skin; is the crimson from blood that's not his, externally? Or does he have rosy cheeks? As for the second half, the part about the mask, is it really a mask? Because I instantly thought of Jason from Friday the 13th, with the white hockey mask with the holes and all. Didn't seem to quite fit with your story, though. If you're saying his expression was like a mask, you should try to make that a little clearer.

Another question I had while I was reading was when he tells her that he had warned her, and she should have listened. I'm not quite sure why he would be warning her, if he's intending to kill her...unless the arm was part of a hidden victim? And that's why he didn't want anyone nearby? It just seems kind of thin that he either 1) wasn't stealthy enough to avoid being seen by random wanderers, or 2) was trying to lure her and keep her fixed to a spot with a phantom dismembered arm.

All in all, his motives could use some more explanation; is he killing her because he doesn't want her to tell what she's seen? Is he just a murdering psychopathic vampire/angel? Does he feed on blood, and that's why he killed her?

Your narration style is pretty simple and easy to follow, but at times it can feel like you're just telling us what's going on, instead of showing. This is something that a lot of writers (including yours truly!) struggle with, and it can be a tricky thing to recognize, especially in your own writing. Something that helps me find the spots where I've been doing too much telling is looking for instances with a lot of "I" if the story's in first person, or "he/she/character's name" if it's in third person. That's a pretty good indicator that you're doing too much telling and need to add more description or dialogue or such to overcome it. I'd suggest you also read this post about showing vs. telling; it's helped me out a lot.

The last thing I want to say is your ending. I think the sentences, "That night, I walked as a human. Now, I walk merely as a spirit." end the story really well, and that it has a strong yet ominous and chilling sort of finality to it. Putting the little Warning sentence at the very end kind of cheapens that and makes it feel like some kind of moral or advice is trying to be given through the telling of the story. I'm not saying you need to to change it and that it's awful, but I just think the story could be strengthened without it.

Well, that's all I've got to say. Good piece, thanks for the enjoyable read! Please let me know if you've got any questions or whatnot. Keep up the good work!

God bless,
~Hawk

Hello Twinkle4ever,

This was a really creepy, gory story that was really intriguing and full of description. At the start I definitely didn't expect it to turn out like that and like you mentioned briefly in the description this does tend to lean more towards horror rather than fantasy, it certainly turned out more blood thirsty than I imagined and the first paragraph made it sound more of a 'swan lake' type of story I'm glad it wasn't, this was much better than something perfect and unreal. Now on with the actual critiquing.

First of all I agree with RangerHawk and goofysmurf1, this did need a little more description in some parts of the stories. I spotted a lot at the beginning but like most stories, toward the end it began to lack description and I think spending a little bit more time just putting a tiny bit more description into the story would definitely benefit this a lot and it would help the story seem more effective.

Something soft and feathery had brushed my face for only a minute second after which I stumbled forward

TheCrimsonQuill mentioned this but I think it should be emphasized. You have written two separate amounts of time for one moment in time and no one knows whether you are referring to the original time or the second time. Regardless the statement still doesn't make sense so this is easily one of the things you need to work on. This isn't a suggestion the statement actually doesn't make sense.

A cut-off human arm was lying there with blood spurting out of it, creating a tiny pool of blood underneath it

Although this sentence was very descriptive and really well written the first part didn't make sense. I think juggling all the words around a bit would help it make sense. You could try something like, 'A human arm that had been cut off was lying...'' or 'Lying on the ground was part of a human arm...' These are just a few suggestions I'm sure you could think of many more.

Overall this was excellent and I think it was the first horror story that I have read and really, really, really enjoyed. Please keep on posting stories like this and if you are ever in search of a keen reviewer then please don't fail to Pm me or post the link on my wall and I will be in contact within a week or so. This was really great, keep up the awesome writing.

From DreamingForever

Okay... it's definitely an interesting idea, you have here, I must say.

I feel kind of bad for saying this, but if it wasn't review day, I probably wouldn't have read past the first few paragraphs. You're not using description and the senses to tell the story, you're just saying "I did this, I did that" and it just gives off the impression of someone telling us this nonchalantly, and not actually a short story. This could be fixed by using similes, personification, metaphors, etc. just to make it come alive, in a way, and make it feel as if we're actually there.

‘No!’ I thought, ‘It’s not possible. Things like these only happen in storybooks; not real life…’

What's not possible? What things don't happen in real life? Nothing has really happened yet. I mean, she saw some white thingy go behind a tree and then disappear, then something said "danger". Nothing screams "storybook" from that situation. If it were me, I don't think my mind would automatically jump towards the "fairytale" aspect. I think someone would most likely yell "Who's there?" or run away. Me, I'd think some freaky cosplayer was nerding about in an elf costume or something and ran behind a tree because he was embarrassed by his nerdy-ness. But then again, I do think of some pretty weird things ;P

Alarm rang in my head as my eyes lingered towards the white creature which stood a foot away from the arm.

Should that be "An alarm rang" or "Alarms rang"? Either way, just saying "alarm rang" isn't grammatically correct.
Also, about the arm, I don't think it'd be squirting blood all over the place. Yes, it would be leaking blood, but I'm not sure if it would be "spurting" blood (though I can't be sure, I've never actually seen a severed arm before, but since it's no longer connected to the heart, the veins wouldn't be pumping the blood, and therefore it wouldn't be spurting, most likely)

Now, has this arm been severed for a long period of time? Is there some person running around, wondering where his arm went? If it was severed after this person died, then it wouldn't still be bleeding, and if it was severed a while ago, then it would have drained by the time the MC tripped over it.

And, the thing with the white vampire dude.... why did he tell the MC to go away? Since when do vampires pass up a chance for a midnight snack? I mean, the MC is alone, she's right in front of him, and they're alone. To me, in this situation, wouldn't it make more sense if the vampire actually wanted her to come closer to him? Then he could eat her and go home, problem solved.

Also, you could have described him at least a little. I mean, it was a thing with wings and a cape. That's all you said about him. How big was he? Was it human-like? Was it small? Elf-like? Did it seem like an angel? What made it seem so scary? I mean, it warned the MC and told her to stay away, it was in all white, it was beautiful, and it had wings. Doesn't that kind of shout "Oh my god, an angel!" and not "Holy crap! A vampire! I'm going to die!" (although I do like the vampire being angel-like and unexpected)

I also agree with Ranger Hawk on the little a=warning sentence at the end. It's just unnecessary and kind of tones down the ending. It would be more powerful without it.

I did enjoy this
It was interesting and entertaining. I like scary things, and this was definitely creepy. I think you could just do better with it, add more description, and it would be even scarier and more exciting!

Hello!
I really liked it! good job! Your character was great and very expressive, which I liked. I saw some places where you needed commas but I think someone already pointed that out. I liked it because it was a good spooky story. The ending sentence was great! The creature was very cool! Good idea Keep writing!

I was really happy when you wrote a longer version Now I'm wondering who that person was!
Are you going to turn this into a novel or a short story? If not, I really think you should

I was strolling outside under the beautiful night sky. The stars looked like tiny droplets of light hanging above the clouds. I really felt like flying in the sky and hanging out with the stars. Too bad that only happened in fantasy storybooks. I walked through the park when I noticed something behind the trees from afar. I inched towards it.
There was silence. I could only glimpse a fraction of something long and white flowing from behind one of the trees. As I crept closer, the thing disappeared. I paused. I could hear a tiny whisper at the corner of my mind, telling me to turn back.
“Danger,” it said and my heart started hammering inside my chest. There was no doubt about it that it wasn’t my voice at all. The thing was speaking to me! this was confusing. I thought you meant your conscious was trying to tell you ‘danger’. but then you act like the white thing was speaking to you.
‘No!’ I thought, ‘It’s not possible. Things like these this only happen in storybooks; just a comma would be fine, I think not real life…’
It seemed like a prank to me, but who would want to prank me at a time like this? I braced myself and continued walking. With every step, my heart would pound harder. Something would stir inside my brain as a warning for me to back away but I was curious. Who could be stupid enough to do this? this last line was confusing too. Are you talking about yourself, like who would be stupid enough to keep walking forward? Or are you saying who would be stupid enough to prank you? It’s unclear.
My breathing was very uneven. I paused again mid-way midway from what?. After taking deep, long breaths, I walked quickly, taking long strides this time.
I wasn’t quite sure how it happened but it knocked my breath away.
I’d tripped on something and was falling forward towards a thorny bush. I didn’t want to get scratched; not in front of the prank-person I don‘t get this either. Wouldn‘t you not want to get scratched, because getting scratched hurts? You make it seem like it was only because you were afraid of being embarrassed. That doesn’t seem very realistic. . I closed my eyes and immediately after that, my fall was cut short. Something soft and feathery had brushed my face for only a minute second after which I stumbled forward.
I opened my eyes. The bush was only an inch away from me and I was standing safely on my feet. Although I had no idea how it had been possible for me to not even get pricked by a single thorn. The wind suddenly whipped my face. I shivered, rubbing my arms and turning around to look at what had tripped me like that.
That’s when I fell into a shock. I stared wide-eyed at the thing lying on the ground in front of me. Even in this dark I could detect the red blood still bleeding from it. From afar it might have seemed like an ordinary branch when instead… it was an arm!
A cut-off human arm was lying there with blood spurting out of it, creating a tiny pool of blood underneath it. I gasped. Alarm rang in my head as my eyes lingered towards the white creature which stood a foot away from the arm.
It was wearing a white, hooded cape. The hood hid its face. There was a pair of white, feathery wings sticking out from its back.
“I told you to stay away…” It told me telepathically. This time it wasn’t a whisper. It was a soft murmur in my ear or mind, I couldn’t really tell couldn‘t really tell what? You have an unfinished thought here.
“Who are you?” I demanded trying to raise my voice but what came out was a tiny whisper.
Wind blew again, blowing the thing’s hood off its face as I stared. He was beautiful. He had crimson white skin and he wore the mask of a killer two things about this sentence. First, how can he have crimson white skin? Red and white skin, wouldn‘t that just be pink? It doesn‘t make any sense to me. Also, the mask of a killer. There are many, many different kinds of masks. I‘m picturing a Jason hockey mask (I noticed this before I read Ranger‘s review lolz xD). But for all I know it could be one of those black ones that robbers wear. Or something totally different. The ‘mask of a killer‘ is way too vague. Oh, and if he was wearing a mask, then how come you could see his face enough to call him beautiful? Like I said, too many things are not adding up to me. . His eyes were blazing red, staring into my frightened ones. I realized then just how scared I was. My arms were trembling and I pinched myself to wake up from this nightmare but it didn’t happen.
“I warned you…” there was that voice again, sending goose bumps all over my arms.
I closed my eyes shut and tried to picture myself waking up. It still didn’t happen!
Finally, after a few seconds of trying I gave up and opened my eyes again. I blinked. The person was no longer standing there. I looked down towards the ground, the arm was gone and there was no sign of blood there.
I sighed with relief. ‘It must’ve been my hallucinations should be ‘a hallucination’ after all,’ I thought when suddenly, something grabbed my shoulders. My heart thudded loudly as I tried to scream but one hand instantly covered my mouth.
“Oh, is that what you think?” said the soft voice in my ear, I was sure of it this time. I could feel the person’s cold breath on my neck…
A pair of teeth pierced into my neck and I screamed…
It was the night I’d actually died. My parents had found my body lying near the same thorny bush with all the blood drained from my face. That night, I walked as a human. Now, I walk merely as a spirit.

Overall, not bad. The ending was chilling to me, because we don’t really know the specifics of what happened to her, just that she died and is continuing on as a spirit. However I think there is a lot of stuff that needs to be cleared up. The other reviewers have pretty much said it all, but since you requested I read this I’ll just repeat some stuff.

Why did that monster thing warn her, and then supposedly try and eat her? What was the white thing that she saw? I don’t think it was the monster at the end, because you said it was just this small white thing floating around, and I didn’t think that could be a person.

I was confused when she tripped over the arm… and then didn’t fall? Were you trying to say that the monster thing kept her from falling? And then tried to eat her?

Why would the monster thing wear a face mask, if he was planning on using his teeth? It would have to remove the mask to get its fangs out, right?

Why was it wearing a white hood at night, did it want to be caught? White can be seen very easily at night, unlike darker colors which will just blend right in. If he was trying to be inconspicuous, he’s doing it wrong.

Why would the creature be so careless to leave a human arm hanging around the place?

Why did the girl not scream or try to defend herself? Even if she was frozen with fear, there should’ve been a ton of things running through her mind. And you don’t mention any of it.

Well, those are just a few of the things that felt off-balance to me. Quite honestly, I was confused through all of this chapter. I think if you would just clear a few things up, I could enjoy this more. Then you could focus on bringing in more description, and some characterization for the girl. But right now I think you should focus on filling some of these holes.

I’m glad I read this! Though I am still much more excited about your dragon story lolz.