Young Writers Society

Scrape. Tap, tap, tap.

The sounds got louder, jolting Lisa from her sleep.

"Honey, wake up!" she shook her husband, Henry's sleeping body until he awoke. He looked up and saw her sitting beside him, shivering. The window was open and a cool winter breeze blew into the room. Henry got up and shut the window, but Lisa was still shaking.

"What's wrong, honey?" he asked, crawling back into the bed. He pulled her close to him and tried to comfort her.

"They're here, they're here..." she repeated.

"Who's here?" Henry asked.

"The monsters of the mountain," Lisa hissed. "Listen! They're trying to get into the house!"

Henry's heart pounded in his ears. The monsters of the mountain were the worst. He had heard many stories of disappearances and tragedies because of them. Every full moon, they would swoop down from Mount Grave, the mountain overlooking the town, and search for liars and non-believers. They did this in order to purify the town. Only the honest people would remain. The monsters saw the town as their own because they were there first.

Scrape. Tap, tap, tap.

Lisa gasped. "Did you hear them just now? Did you hear them?!"

Henry shook his head, still deaf to the noises. Suddenly, there was a loud boom and the lights flickered off. Lisa screamed and Henry pulled her close.

"I didn't hear anything babe, it's just your imagination." He said as he tried to keep his composure. There wasn't a storm, so why had the lights gone off?

Lisa's face went pale as she realized something. "You can't hear them, can you? You're safe, but I'm not." She climbed out of the bed and ran into the hall. Henry rushed after her, running into the walls along the way. "What have I done," she yelled to the empty air of the house. "How have I offended you? I've kept my promise, spare me!"

Henry was speechless. He was sure Lisa had gone crazy. The monsters never came down unless it was a full moon and it wasn't a full moon; was it? Henry looked out the window and nearly fainted. Sure enough, he saw the moon full and bright in the sky. But what did the monsters want with Lisa? What had she done? He reached out to her, wrapping her into his arms.

"They're coming in, they're coming to get me!" Lisa wriggled out of her husband's grasp and hurried to the kitchen. Henry watched in horror as the front door exploded. He turned and ran for the kitchen, luckily finding a flashlight on the way. He found Lisa by the refrigerator, a knife in her hands. Her crazed expression scared Henry. He'd never seen her like that before.

"Lisa, come here honey," he said, his voice shaking as he slowly walked toward her. But she suddenly lashed out, sending Henry reeling backwards.

Your time is up, Lisa. Our deal has expired.

"No! I didn't do anything this time, I've changed!"

Your feelings are still the same. You do not love this man. You want for another.

"I...only...love...Henry!" With each word Lisa spoke, she swung her knife, desperate to draw contact with the monsters. Yet she knew there was no hope. They were spirits, intangible like the wind. They came and went whenever they please and they would kill her, They would kill her that night before they left, she knew.

You still lie to us.

Lisa felt a rush of cold wind as the spirits surrounded her. They circled her, drawing the air from her lungs and holding it captive. She tried to draw a breath, but it wouldn't come. She looked at Henry, her eyes begging him to help. But he simply slid to the floor, looking at her with horror, not knowing what was going on. The spirits finally let go and breath returned to her. She fell to her knees, gasping, feeling the fresh oxygen running through her body.

Henry cannot see us, nor can he help you. He is safe. You, however, are doomed.

"I told you I'd change, and I did," Lisa wailed. "Please spare me!"

Lieing to us once again will not help you. Say your goodbyes.

But the spirits didn't give her a chance to speak. With a rush of freezing cold air, they wrapped around her and choked her. Henry watched as his wife was attacked by the monsters he could not see. He cried out when her body fell limp onto the floor.

A rush of wind ripped past him, sending a shiver down his spine. The monsters had taken Lisa' soul and her screams back with them to the mountain.

Hey, Noelle.

So I see this is for the fear contest. Interesting, scary stories can be a bit difficult to execute a lot of times. I've tried writing one myself before. Complete flop. But I know the challenges that can be faced when attempting to tap into those scared feelings that propel such stories. I think you may have had a bit of a struggle trying to tap into the kind of scared feelings that move this story.

Let's first take a look at the introduction. I could definitely see where you were going with it. There was some catchiness to it in the beginning, but then it just sort of grew caught up in explanation. There was a leveled pace and rhythm in the words for the first two lines which I liked and seemed appropriate for the beginning of this story, but I wasn't so fond of the rest you put in. Maybe you could look back at it and try reworking it some. Perhaps less is more in this case, yeah? Couldn't hurt to experiment.

The horror in this story is based on these "monsters of the mountain". When you said that I figured it might either be entirely weird like Hills Have Eyes sort of, -which would be rather scary- or just very unconvincing. I think that by creating these creatures that were invisible spirits made it a little more difficult to grow convinced and believe in the fear of the situation. I mean, it wasn't just like a tale of the town or anything, it seemed as though each of your characters as well as the towns people were believers of the mountain monsters. By doing this you made it that much harder to bring in the fear. There was no element of surprise, it was just all in the readers face from the very start.

To fix this, I think you should either change the dynamic of the monsters, or, simply include some point that allows you to believe that only this main character fears these monsters. And include a reason. I still had no idea why this woman was so guilty and why these monsters had to come after her. Therefore the reader isn't sympathetic for the situation. It's just a scene being told. It might be good to make it as if the whole town was a town of non-believers and these monsters were simply myths used to scare people in their childhoods. There's some kind of base missing here I think. Other than the italicized intro, there really isn't much ground to read off from.

The way the woman was taken also lacked a certain fear factor. It wasn't very scary, like I said it was more so like a scene being explained. And I think that might have a lot to do with the readers lack of sympathy for the character. You should probably think about that some more if you're looking for a certain reaction from your readers. As I said, horror can be a pretty difficult emotion to bottle up into a great story. You want to be careful of the littler things as well as the bigger picture. There tends to be many elements when writing this type of genre. Imagery being one. I think you should definitely work on the amount of imagery involved so the reader has a chance to take in the senses of the situation in whole.

Anyway though, I didn't mean to sound so picky and critical. I'm honestly just trying to be as helpful as possible. :] I think what you have here is a solid first draft. It could just us some tweaking and altering in places. Best of luck in the contest. I'm sure there'll be some great competition!

-Smylin'

Hey,
I thought that the story was a little borring and didn't really hold my interest but the idea itself for the story with spirt collectors is pretty cool.
I wasn't looking for many mistakes but only found things that didnt interfer with the story
Also this is somewhat unrelated but have you ever read I Am Number Four because the poem in the begin sounds kind of like the its back cover where it goes like;
"We may be walking past you right now.
We are watching as you read this.
We may be in your city, your town.
We are living anonymously.
We are waiting for the day when
We will find each other.
We will make our last stand together—if
We win,
We are saved, and
You are saved as well.
If we lose, all is lost.'
I don't know it just sounds familiar, but anyway the the story idea was good sorry if i sound to harsh

Okay. So. I'm going to collect my thoughts here a little, and tell you exactly what I thought of it.

First off, the introduction wasn't bad--the idea of 'monsters of a mountain cleaning up the town' actually managed to grasp my interest for a while. However, my interest soon faded--mainly because I couldn't really put myself into the characters' shoes.

Lisa seemed like a very quick sketch. I couldn't really see her personality, other than the fact that she was extremely scared and married her husband even though she didn't really love him. Henry was even more bland; he simply sat there and let his wife get devoured. The only emotion he did show, again, was fear. No thoughts from either of them.

There were a lot of loopholes--especially considering the monsters. Why didn't everyone just leave if they were scared of the monsters--especially if they could only come down on the full moon? Why did Lisa marry Henry? Why did the monsters wait so long to kill her? And I like a certain mystery in horror. Keeping the monsters hidden till the end was the best way you could have put the terror into us--but as it was, we already knew what to expect. A few spelling and grammatical errors here and there as well: especially of the word "lying", which you repeatedly wrote as "lieing". And certain others you could do with correcting.

Overally, it was okay...but you could've done better.