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Envy



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Sun Aug 21, 2011 5:34 am
crescent says...



Spoiler! :
This is for Tabbygirl's contest. I had to write a story with a magic goblet and a demon in it.


Envy followed the human girl. She was a good girl, one of those who always had to abide by the rules. He hated goody goodies like her. They made him remember how filthy he was even though he hadn't lost his pretty face after becoming heaven’s fiend. But goody goodies were stubborn too, and the stubborn ones were always the most fun. He preferred a challenge, or it was boring. Especially when half the time, humans just did bad on their own.
There hadn't been much to do since he'd first fallen. There had been too few humans, and Lucifer preferred to be the one to have all the fun, the one to taint the new ones with even more filth than they now came prepackaged in. Envy had only been allowed to watch and observe the strange beings, these beings with knowledge of good and evil in the beginning. It was in his boredom before Lucifer finally decided to assign tasks, that he had often thought about the “what if’s” of his betrayal. It wasn’t a secret that he would eventually be exposed to interminable flames or the gnashing of teeth. He’d shuddered at the thought when he’d been first condemned, but he was already done for and he figured if he was going to betray God, he’d do it to the full extent of his abilities.
But even after all these years, Lucifer still only allowed him to tempt mortals. If he was truly appreciated, he’d be promoted to playing faux God and answering rituals. It was something Envy just had to live with, and the fact that it usually only took one wrong to make a human topple over in sin, so he wasn’t really needed either. They liked sin. It appealed to them to rebel against their morals. They liked the adrenaline rush and feeling sly and cunning. It wasn’t hard to make someone do something they already wanted to especially when most of the human race was coated in layers of human arrogance.
This girl Envy was stalking now seemed genuinely interested in loving others though. He watched her bend down and put green bills into a tin can a grimy, unshaven man was holding. She whispered words of encouragement to him, and it disgusted Envy. He watched her, assessed her every decision. He tried hard to listen into her thoughts. He liked to get to know his victims better before he crafted their lies. But she was already filled. He was not to enter her.
He watched her as she walked to her school in shoes that squeaked against the wet tile floor. A boy said foul things to her and his friends laughed, but she remained unfazed. Instead, she spoke a silent prayer for her bullies. Farther down the hallways, other girls whispered things behind her back about how she was a total suck-up to the teachers and hinted that she’d probably slept with her math teacher to have a perfect score in his class, and also how her clothes looked like she’d stolen them from her grandma’s closet. They didn’t even bother to make sure she was gone when they said these things. In fact, they made sure she heard them. Envy smiled when this happened and winked at the mean girls even though he knew they couldn’t see her. The girl’s eyes had gone watery and Envy knew he’d found a weak spot in the chinks of her armor.
When she walked back home through the store-ridden streets, she entered a fancy department store with all sorts of things she’d never be able to afford. Envy had seen her skip lunch today. It hadn’t been hard to put two and two together. It was obvious the few meager dollars she’d offered the homeless man had to have been her lunch money. The girl stared at a shirt with fuzzy words stitched on them in a crude manner. It was funny how much it cost. She traced the neckline of a silk dress with a delicate lace bow attached to it. Something she wouldn’t be able to wear to Prom. She’d taken it to the dressing room anyways and tried it on. It fit smugly and she smiled shyly in the mirror admiring the colors. Envy could see how much she loved it and he painted pictures in her pretty little head. She saw herself with dancing under the dimmed fluorescent lights at the hotel ballroom with a boy Envy knew she liked. “He’d like you if he knew you’d be wearing this.” he told her, “You’d fit in. It’ll make you beautiful. You could just use the money your mom gave you for emergencies and pay her back later.” He could see her considering this for a moment, but she took the dress off and handed it back to the store associate with the plastic number cards.
“When I have the money…” She kissed the dress goodbye. Then she left the store.
There was a small antique shop next to it and she couldn’t resist looking at the intricate pieces of silverware they sold. It fascinated her. Envy knew too by the looks of the plate in her room from her grandmother. A particular piece caught her eye: a silver goblet. Next to it was a small slip of paper that said, “The ‘Magic’ Goblet”. She pondered at what the magic could mean and she was filled with crazy dreams.
“You know, the lady that brought this piece in claimed this cup had cursed her. It’d been given to her by her husband and when she left him she said the goblet was angry at her afterwards. ‘It’s dark magic to the touch’ she’d said,” the cashier told her.
“You’re kidding me, right?” the girl said.
“Her exact words. Honest to God. The owner’d found it amusing and put that sign there next to it.”
She laughed, but Envy knew she could see the goblet cursing a few specific individuals right now. Envy knew her anger and could feel the jealousy she’d hidden for them in the corners of her soul throbbing in her throat. The ipod she’d never been able to buy. The shirt that she’d seen with the expensive price tag contrasted to her Goodwill and hand-me downs. The ticket to Prom she wouldn’t even be able to afford. The money she earned that would never be spent on her own pleasures. And the acceptance the others weren’t willing to offer to her. Despite her near self-made perfection, there were still many imperfect things in her life and Envy used the stark contrast of the people who’d received their normal middle class badge against her own barren, badge-less life. He pushed her to explore the “what if’s” of the ‘Magic’ Goblet. Perhaps it really did curse those who touched it. And while the cashier wasn’t looking, the girl used the sleeve of her jacket and slipped the small silver goblet into her pocket and walked out the door to test the theory.
Last edited by crescent on Sun Oct 30, 2011 6:00 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Sun Aug 21, 2011 11:59 am
roostangarar says...



This is awesome! I really felt like I could see Envy, all angry and gnashing his/her teeth in rage. I liked how s/he subtly manipulated the nameless girl, finding the 'chinks in her armour', to make her fall to sin. I was also really intrigued by his/her treachery. Was Envy betraying Lucifer, or God? What was the treachery? I really hope you write a second part, and explore Envy as a character further.

The only bit I could think of that needed changed was, " He watched her, accessed her even decision."
This should say 'assessed', and what was her 'even decision'? You don't explain that, but it really was the only part I think could be improved. Truly a great story. Keep it up!
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Mon Aug 22, 2011 6:52 am
Dreamworx95 says...



Hi Crescent,

Great interpretation of the contest idea. You had me hooked from the first paragraph. I love that you chose a personification of one of the seven deadly sins as your demon. Envy was a very good choice. I also like how you incorporated the magic goblet into the story.

I like the person you chose Envy to follow. She's a hard soul to break - it would have been boring if it had been someone easily manipulated, like the girls making fun of her.

I wish there was more though. Reading the last sentence I feel like I've read only a short excerpt. You've only included the magic goblet, but I don't think you've used it to its full potential. I want to know what the girl does next, if the magic goblet really is magic, or if it's not and she just ends up making a fool of herself. Countless possibilities.

Good piece. I have to say, if you wrote other stories with the rest of the deadly sins, I would read them. :)

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Mon Aug 22, 2011 12:10 pm
Noelle says...



Hi there!

Wow...this is a great piece! You described everything quite well and had me reading to the very end. I really like the main character. She's one of those girls that are the nicest in the school, who don't let anything bother her, who only need to prove something to themselves. They don't care how pretty they look as long as they're happy with themselves.

No! I disapprove with the ending, only because you wrote it so well! The whole story, you had me thinking she was going to resist envy until the very end, but then she stole the goblet. No, don't take it!

Overall this is a great story. Keep writing!
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