Young Writers Society

I'm really not happy with this piece so please, please help me by telling me where I'm going wrong. I've spent a good two days trying to figure it out! Don't be afraid to be harsh and just so you know I'm terrible at grammar. Thank you so much

February 17th, 1998

“Nora, you forgot your lunch!” The sharp voice floated down the street just before said teenager turned the corner towards freedom. Sighing, Nora reluctantly turned around and walked back down the street. Numerous doors slammed around her, signalling other children on their way to school. The eight-thirty school bus left in ten minutes and if Nora didn’t hurry she new she could easily miss it.

Her black curls – pushed out of her face with a crimson Alice band – danced as the winter breeze wafted down the street. It had rained heavily the night before and her school shoes kicked up the residue on the pavement, creating a soft splashing sound as she walked.

Number thirty came into view and her emerald eyes met the gaze of the woman standing in the doorway. Dressed in her favourite pink dressing gown, Nora’s mum reached out a hand grasping a brown lunch bag. She took the bag and pecked her mother’s cheek.

“Thanks.” She whispered, before sauntering back up the street. Nora paused on the corner, took off her black backpack, neatly decorated with the words ‘free spirit’, and placed the lunch bag in a safe position. ‘Free spirit’ described her perfectly. Outgoing and adventurous, qualities that often got her in trouble in class, she never backed down from a challenge and always went with her gut feeling.

Continuing around the corner, she ventured down the main street towards the bus stop. Already groups of friends were gathered around the tiny shelter, chatting with one another. The road to the bus stop was fairly busy this time in the morning, with cars and vans of different sorts passing along it to get to work. The road, being the only main road to cross through the small village, wasn’t very wide and incidents had been known to occur. The road not being very wide also meant that the pavement wasn’t either and, the year previous, a young boy was seriously injured after a car accidentally mounted the curb. Since then signs had been posted in warning and thankfully had affect on the drivers. Today, however, all such signs were blatantly ignored as a posh Mercedes sped through the streets.

Nora hummed to herself as she strolled along the pavement. She watched the clouds move swiftly in the sky and tried to make shapes out of them; glancing down every now and then to make sure she wasn’t going to walk into anything. The bus stop was only a few hundred yards away and the pavement was completely clear so, having faith in herself, she continued the final leg of her journey staring up at the sky. A particular cloud caught her attention. It looks like some sort of animal, she thought, one that I’ve seen before but I just can’t put my finger on it.

The Mercedes was getting closer now, the morning sun glinting off the paint work.

Nora still stared at the sky and immersed herself in thought. She forgot about everything else; her mum’s funny clothes, the bus stop at the end of the main street, having to walk along the narrow pavement.

The sound of screaming filled the air as the Mercedes drove up the main street. Nora looked around to find the source of the commotion and found herself standing in the middle of the road; the flashy car driving towards her. Several teens from the bus stop looking her way in anguish, screams of shock emanating from their mouths. No where to run and feeling like a deer caught in the headlights, Nora closed her eyes and hoped there was enough time for the driver to stop.

Her loud scream pierced the air as the car crashed into her with sickening force. Flying over the roof, the free spirited teenager landed in a bloody heap in the middle of the road. Her limbs bent and broken, her neck snapped in two and no breath left in her body. Death on impact.

The driver just drove on.

This is amazing i love the punchline and the characters are so well detailed in your writing i would love to see more of this story please keep writing it you are great at this skins. YOU ARE MY HERO! and if u have time could you please check out my story its in two different chapters thanks a lot XD!

WOW.

That was amazing, Midnight! I loved it!

Some of my favourite bits:

“Nora, you forgot your lunch!” The sharp voice floated down the street just before said teenager turned the corner towards freedom. Sighing, Nora reluctantly turned around and walked back down the street. Numerous doors slammed around her, signalling other children on their way to school. The eight-thirty school bus left in ten minutes and if Nora didn’t hurry she knew she could easily miss it.

I loved how you described that Nora turned the corner to freedom. It shows her relationship without her family and yet i found it a bit funny XD
The first bit in bold confused me a bit. It took me a while to realise that it wasn't someone talking and you forgot the speech marks.
You missed the 'k' in knew by the way. I pointed it out in blue

Her black curls – pushed out of her face with a crimson Alice band – danced as the winter breeze wafted down the street. It had rained heavily the night before and her school shoes kicked up the residue on the pavement, creating a soft splashing sound as she walked.

I loved this The first bit was a great description and I could picture it so clearly and the second bit was exactly what it'd be like! I can totally remember when it was like that once

“Thanks.” She whispered, before sauntering back up the street. Nora paused on the corner, took off her black backpack, neatly decorated with the words ‘free spirit’, and placed the lunch bag in a safe position. ‘Free spirit’ described her perfectly. Outgoing and adventurous, qualities that often got her in trouble in class, she never backed down from a challenge and always went with her gut feeling.

When I first read that, I thought "Telling instead of showing" but then I realised with what happened at the end, it was great. That paragraph tells me that she'll be missed a lot!

The road, being the only main road to cross through the small village, wasn’t very wide and incidents had been known to occur. The road not being very wide also meant that the pavement wasn’t either and, the year previous, a young boy was seriously injured after a car accidentally mounted the curb. Since then signs had been posted in warning and thankfully had affect on the drivers. Today, however, all such signs were blatantly ignored as a posh Mercedes sped through the streets.

Something's gonna happen! I was thinking in my head "Uh oh..."
With the thing in bold, it's pretty obvious that it's posh (unless it's in really bad condition). How about describing it as if it was posh, so that it's "[...] a sleek, silver (maybe polished here) Mercedes sped through the streets"? You don't have to take the suggestion though

No where to run and feeling like a deer caught in the headlights, Nora closed her eyes and hoped there was enough time for the driver to stop.

Great comparison!

I loved that Midnight! I didn't find many mistakes Keep writing!

Mac

This story's pretty good, there are only a few things I can pick out, and they're mostly spelling mistakes.

"The sharp voice floated down the street". There isn't really anything wrong with this, but I feel as if it was a sharp voice then it wouldn't float. I'm sure there's a better word you could use here, it just seems that the two words contradict each other.

"...and thankfully had affect on the drivers." This should say effect, unless you mean "it affected the drivers".

"No where to run " Nowhere should be one word.

"Her loud scream pierced the air as the car crashed into her with sickening force... Death on impact" How can she scream, if she's been killed on impact? You may want to change this bit just to avoid any confusion.

Overall though, I thought it was pretty great, you have good descriptions and I liked your comparisons. Keep it up!

P.S. Is this a true story, or is that just to make it more dramatic? It's total sad if it is.

Hi Midnight,

“Nora, you forgot your lunch!” The sharp voice floated down the street just before said teenagerturned the corner towards freedom.

I'm not sure about "said teenager" here. You never stated that Nora was a teenager before that, so I'm under the impression that "said teenager" shouldn't be there.

danced as the winter breeze wafted down the street.

I don't think 'wafted' is the best word choice here. I usually think of a smell or pollin "wafting through the air" when I hear it. I would use "blew" Sometimes it's better to just go simple.

Number thirty came into view and her emerald eyes met the gaze of the woman standing in the doorway.

"emerald eyes" is such an overused cliche to describe green eyes. Can't you think of a different way?

Nora’s mum reached out a hand grasping a brown lunch bag.

I really think you're trying too hard with descriptions. Just go with something like, "Nora's mum held out a brown lunch bag." Surely something simple like this would get the message across.

“Thanks.” She whispered, before sauntering back up the street. Nora paused on the corner, took off her black backpack, neatly decorated with the words ‘free spirit’, and placed the lunch bag in a safe position. ‘Free spirit’ described her perfectly. Outgoing and adventurous, qualities that often got her in trouble in class, she never backed down from a challenge and always went with her gut feeling.

There are some places where you don't need description as much as you do in others. I think if you changed "sauntering" to just walking or going back up the street it would read a lot more naturally. I'd also make the bolded sentence simpler: "Nora stopped on the corner to put her lunch bag in her backpack, which was decorated with the words 'free spirit' in bright white letters." Or something like that. The "free spirit" part matters here - it's a small depiction of the person Nora is.

The road, being the only main road to cross through the small village, wasn’t very wide and incidents had been known to occur. The road not being very wide also meant that the pavement wasn’t either and, the year previous, a young boy was seriously injured after a car accidentally mounted the curb.

I think you could do without that first sentence, especially because you repeat yourself in the next one.

Today, however, all such signs were blatantly ignored as a posh Mercedes sped through the streets.

I'd make it: "Today, all signs were blatantly ignored by a posh Mercedes speeding through the streets."

Several teens from the bus stop looking her way in anguish, screams of shock emanating from their mouths.

'Looking' should be 'looked'. I'd also change the next phrase. Don't like the word "emanating" to describe the screams.

I thought the description after that was brutal and cringe inducing. Good job on that.

I knew the car was going to hit her as soon as I read, "Nora hummed to herself." Also describing the Mercades speeding through the streets made it clear that someone was going to get hit. I'm not sure if it was your goal to make it so predictable. If it was, you succeeded.

Nice piece. My biggest issue was with all the mindless details. I thought you were trying too hard. I'm not going to remember Mum's emerald eyes or the winter breeze wafting down the street or Nora sauntering around the corner. The idea is to pay attention to detail where it matters, like the free spirit backpack.

I think the best way to improve this is to leave it for a few days. Reading it over and over and over again for two days has probably made you blind to all the mistakes. Let it sit for a week, come back to it, and I guarantee you'll see all the areas you need to fix with clear eyes.

Good luck with this,

Dream.