Young Writers Society

Once upon a time-

Well, we wish. Let’s not beat around the bush; you may expect every fairytale to start with “Once upon a time,” but that isn’t always the case. Besides, this isn’t an ordinary fairytale. Let me introduce Little Red Riding Hood. Now, I implore you not to call her by that name, because you see, she isn’t little, and she certainly doesn’t ride horses. She prefers to be called Red. Many people fondly call her Red Hood, because she wears a red hood (I advise you not to call her Red Hood unless you have a death wish).

Now let me present the Wolf. He isn't the only Wolf in Fairy Tale Forest, but he is also the nicest. Don’t believe me? Well that’s your problem then. Anyway, Wolf gets bored very easily. The only fun he had was when a man, who was very chubby and sweating like a sinner in church, riding a horse, wandered through the forest. The horse didn’t like Wolf near, so it cantered off, and as a joke, Wolf ran after it. The man fell off the horse, and it galloped away, neighing in fright. Wolf thought this was very funny, and went to thank the man for letting him chase the horse. He walked up to him, but he jumped in fright and locked himself behind an iron gate. The Iron Gate guarded the castle, but Wolf had never been in there. So, Wolf decided to-

Anyway! That’s another story, for another time. So, as you can see, Wolf never had much to do around the forest. He visited this old woman who lived in the forest often. They sat and had tea, but Wolf never liked holding the cups. She was very adamant that he had to hold his “pinkie finger” out, and he always went home with it very cramped. Today, instead, he was slinking round the forest doing nothing.

But, alas, we have forgotten Little Red Riding Hood - Ouch! Sorry, I mean we have forgotten Red. Red’s mother loved cooking. She cooked cakes, scones, meringue, and lots of other delicious foods. Today, the Kingdom was celebrating Princess Aurora's sixteenth birthday, and her mother had cooked a delicious cake, with lots of icing and strawberries. Red loved her mother's cooking, so it was very fortunate that her mother asked her to take it to her Gran’s house. Red obliged, and, adorning her red cloak, sauntered out of the house and into the wood.

When she was safely out of sight, where her mother couldn’t see her, Red sank down on the floor, resting against the rough bark of a tree and pulled the red and white checked blanket off of the basket, and wolfed down a mouthful of cake, sighing in delight. She gobbled up the whole cake, and feeling slightly sleepy, her belly full of gorgeous home made cake, she drifted into sleep.

The next morning she awoke, and quickly pushed the blanket over the basket, and hurried off to her Gran’s house...

... to find the forest blocked by a tangle of emerald green thorns! Determined, she crawled through a very convenient Red-sized hole, and continued on her way. She pushed through the thorns- careful not to prick herself- and finally made it to her Gran’s house.

Now, whilst Red had been carefully navigating the thorns, Wolf had decided to visit the old woman’s house. He had sat down, legs crossed, very proper and prim, sipping from a china cup (“Pinkie finger out, Wolf, my dear!”) and feeling very miserable. The old woman excused herself for a moment, to root through her cupboard to find her album of stuffed cats. Now Wolf had seen this album lots of times before- it made him feel rather sick- and concluded that today, he would not look at them. He crept up behind the old woman, and tapped her on the shoulder. With a small cry, she jumped from shock and toppled into the cupboard. The door swung shoot and the door bolted itself as she kicked to be let free. Wolf scrabbled with the lock, but his large fingers found it hard to get any purchase on the small bolt. He tried to prise the door open but to no avail. She gave an almighty kick at the door, and Wolf heard a large bang as something tumbled over. The old woman gave a small moan, and then became silent. Wolf became very worried. But then, all of a sudden:

“Gran! I’ve brought you – a... err... basket full of love?” Wolf flapped his large, furry paws for a second. He made a bee-line for the bed, and picked up the folded pyjamas and hurriedly stuffed them on. He picked up the night-time cap and pulled it on his head. He jumped into the bed, and cried:

“Come in dear!” He said, mimicking the old woman’s voice. He nearly coughed, the high pitched voice made his throat hurt, and he grabbed the glass of water from his bed and took a greedy slurp, soothing his throat. He collapsed back onto the bed. Oh No...
Red slowly opened the door. She gasped:

“What large ears you have!”

“All the better to hear you with,”

“What large eyes you have!”

“All the better to see you with,”

“What large teeth you have!”

“All the better to eat that with,” He nodded towards the basket, where the smell of cake and strawberries wafted from. Red’s eyes widened.

“Eat me with?” She gasped.

“No!”

“Yes!” The answers came at the same time. A large wood cutter, with tree trunks for arms, and beady eyes burst in, glaring at Wolf. He hefted the axe in his hand, and charged forward. Wolf leapt out of the bed and ran for his life. The night cap flew off, and the pyjama’s tangled in his legs. He tripped up and ripped them off. The Wood Cutter was advancing...
Wolf sprinted through the thorns, as they tore at his skin. His pulse pounded in his ears as he ran.

So that is why, as I tell this story, with Red on my left and Wolf on my right, Wolf says:

“And that, children, is why you should never become a wood cutter,”

This was very funny. A nice twist to a classic.

I found myself feeling sorry for the poor lonesome wolf.

The only thing I would cut out was the fact that it's the Princesses' birthday. Is that the only reason she was baking? It just didn't feel pertinent to the story. I thought she was cooking for Aurora, but no, she brought the cake to Gran....

Maybe just cut that part out and say it was in her habit to cook for Gran?

Thanks for the humour, I needed it this morning.

Tanya

Thankyou. Well, Sleeping Beauty tied in with the thorns. But thank you anyway!

*sigh* I knew I should have caught on to that....

you twisted a fairy tale and created something good keep up the good work

POD! FAIRYTALE. *noms*

I. NITPICKS

Besides, this isn’t an ordinary fairy tale.

Fairytale.

Let me introduce Little Red Riding Hood. Now, I implore you not to call her by that name,

Then why introduce her as it? Just say, let me introduce ... whatever he calls her, then go back and look at the other names.

He is the only Wolf in Fairy Tale Forest, but he is also the nicest.

Well, if he was the only one, of course he would be the nicest.

But today, he was slinking round the forest doing nothing.

But seems the wrong word here...

But, alas, we have forgotten Little Red Riding Hood - Ouch! Sorry, I mean we have forgotten Red.

Okay, apologies, I see what's happening here with the first introduction. But I still think that the Let me introduce and then backtracking isn't working.

Princess Auroras sixteenth birthday,

Aurora's

Red loved her mothers cooking,

mother's.

“What large ears you have!”

“All the better to hear you with,”

That comma should be a full stop. Same with all the ones following...

II. OVERALL

This is interesting, definitely! I'm a little confused by the ending though- is that the Woodcutter talking? I'm not clear on what exactly happens at the end. The constant changing of perspective from Red to Wolf to the narrator who I'm not so sure is the Woodcutter isn't really helping matters. I think you should definitely make the ending clearer, and make sure the whole way through that we're aware the narrator is a character and not just the author's voice. As well, this is so short, you definitely have room for a little more characterisation of Red.

Overall though, I love a fairytale with a twist!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

I have a super-soft spot for fairytales, but I'm really picky about my rewrites. Let's see about yours, shall we?

Once upon a time-

Well, we wish. Ew. Broke the fourth wall already. oo" Not good. I'm expecting a butt-kicking follow up to this, or else breaking the fourth wall just won't work. Let’s not beat around the bush; you may expect every fairytale to start with “Once upon a time,” but that isn’t always the case. Besides, this isn’t an ordinary fairytale. Telling the audience what to think =/= good. The trick with writing is to make the audience think the way you want them to without having them realize you're manipulating them into that train of thought. By telling me this, you're alienating me further. Let me introduce Little Red Riding Hood. Introduce her, then. Don't make small talk. Show, don't tell. Now, I implore you not to call her by that name, because you see, she isn’t little, and she certainly doesn’t ride horses. She prefers to be called Red. Many people fondly call her Red Hood, because she wears a red hood (I advise you not to call her Red Hood unless you have a death wish). One, how can it be fondly if she despises the nickname? It's not affectionate anymore as much as it's light-hearted teasing (best case scenario) or intentional provoking (not as good). Two, there's a lot of rambling and infodumping here. I'd really rather you just get on with the story.

A good beginning has conflict and introduces the character. You did neither of these. oo" Instead, you ramble. It's almost as if you're nervous and you're trying to delay the story. Come on. Have a little more faith in yourself.

Now let me present the Wolf. He isn't the only Wolf in Fairy Tale Forest, but he is also the nicest. Don’t believe me? Well that’s your problem then. Nope. That's your problem too. If you can't get the audience to believe your story, then the audience will leave. You have to work within their suspension of disbelief, not alienate them. A narrator with attitude is cool, but a narrator that breaks the fourth wall and pisses the reader off is not. oo" Look. Stop telling me things and show them, okay? Just quit telling me. Anyway, Wolf gets bored very easily. So does the reader. The only fun he had was when a man, who was very chubby and sweating like a sinner in church, riding a horse, wandered through the forest. The horse didn’t like Wolf near, so it cantered off, and as a joke, Wolf ran after it. Doesn't sound very nice. The man fell off the horse, and it galloped away, neighing in fright. Realistically, the man would die. BUT this is a fairytale, so I'll give you more leeway than I'd afford a normal story. Wolf thought this was very funny, and went to thank the man for letting him chase the horse. He walked up to him, but he jumped in fright and locked himself behind an iron gate. So this iron gate was conveniently located in the castle, or did it magically appear there? Even fairytales give at least one line of explanation before rushing off to mention that behold, the castle was in the forest after all. Some foreshadowing would be nice.The Iron Gate guarded the castle, but Wolf had never been in there. So, Wolf decided to-

Anyway! That’s another story, for another time. So, as you can see, Wolf never had much to do around the forest. He visited this old woman who lived in the forest often. They sat and had tea, but Wolf never liked holding the cups. She was very adamant that he had to hold his “pinkie finger” out, and he always went home with it very cramped. Devolves into absurdity, but I think I know what you're going for. oo" Unfortunately, the humor in this is too contrived. Today, instead, he was slinking round the forest doing nothing.

But, alas, we have forgotten Little Red Riding Hood - Ouch! Sorry, I mean we have forgotten Red. Woul work better in a movie, not in a story. Red’s mother loved cooking. She cooked Baked, maybe? cakes, scones, meringue, and lots of other delicious foods. Today, the Kingdom was celebrating Princess Aurora's sixteenth birthday, and her mother had cooked baked a delicious cake, with lots of icing and strawberries. Red loved her mother's cooking, so it was very fortunate that her mother asked her to take it to her Gran’s house. Red obliged, and, adorning her red cloak, sauntered out of the house and into the wood. ...What does her loving the cooking and taking it to her grandmother's house have to do with the whole princess' birthday thing? I'm confused. oo Try to connect them better.

When she was safely out of sight, where her mother couldn’t see her, Red sank down on the floor, resting against the rough bark of a tree and pulled the red and white checked blanket off of the basket, and wolfed Very punny. ^^" down a mouthful of cake, sighing in delight. She gobbled up the whole cake, and feeling slightly sleepy, her belly full of gorgeous home made cake, she drifted into sleep.



The next morning she awoke, and quickly pushed the blanket over the basket, and hurried off to her Gran’s house...

... to find the forest blocked by a tangle of emerald green thorns! The dramatic ellipsis followed by the exclamation point. We meet again. ._. Honestly, there are better ways of achieving drama. You can do better. Don't rely on the punctuation to do the work for you. Determined, she crawled through a very convenient Red-sized hole In fairytales, things are convenient, and it's not in your interest to point out that they are because it breaks the magical feel of the fairytale. Regardless of whether fractured or not, it's still a fairytale, and thus must keep a fairytale feel., and continued on her way. She pushed through the thorns- careful not to prick herself I thought there was a hole her size? Why would she have to push through anything if so?- and finally made it to her Gran’s house.

Now, whilst Red had been carefully navigating the thorns, Wolf had decided to visit the old woman’s house. He had sat down, legs crossed, very proper and prim, sipping from a china cup (“Pinkie finger out, Wolf, my dear!”) and feeling very miserable. And how, exactly, did he visit Grandma? There's a forest of thorns outside. =.= Please stay consistent. Even fairytales make a degree of sense. They stay consistent in how unlucky/lucky the narrator is, how much x dislikes the prince, etc. This being a fairytale is not an excuse to throw logic out the window. oo"The old woman excused herself for a moment to root through her cupboard to find her album of stuffed cats. Now Wolf had seen this album lots of times before- it made him feel rather sick- and concluded that today, he would not look at them. He crept up behind the old woman, and tapped her on the shoulder. With a small cry, she jumped from shock and toppled into the cupboard. ...A cupboard? How small is this woman? I think if you'd done better in the earlier parts I would've been okay with this, but because you've a habit for the absurd. >>" The door swung shut and the door bolted itself Again, I could believe this if only you didn't murder my suspension of disbelief somewhere before this point. as she kicked to be let free. Wolf scrabbled with the lock, but his large fingers Paws, maybe? found it hard to get any purchase ...Purchase? oo I don't think it's the right word. on the small bolt. He tried to pry the door open butto no avail. She gave an almighty kick at the door, and Wolf heard a large bang as something tumbled over. The old woman gave a small moan, and then became silent. Wolf became very worried. But then, all of a sudden:

“Gran! I’ve brought you – a... err... basket full of love?”

Wolf flapped his large, furry paws for a second. Nice attempt at cuteness, but it doesn't quite work. He made a bee-line for the bed, and picked up the folded pyjamas and hurriedly stuffed them on. He picked up the night-time cap and pulled it on his head. He jumped into the bed, and cried: Sounds very laundry list. He did this, he did that, then he did this.

“Come in dear!” He said, mimicking the old woman’s voice. He nearly coughed; the high pitched voice made his throat hurt, and he grabbed the glass of water from his bed and took a greedy slurp, soothing his throat. He collapsed back onto the bed. Oh No... Makes no sense for him to say come in knowing he'd get caught.

Red slowly opened the door. She gasped:

“What large ears you have!”

“All the better to hear you with,”

“What large eyes you have!”

“All the better to see you with,”

“What large teeth you have!”

“All the better to eat that with,” He nodded towards the basket, where the smell of cake and strawberries wafted from. I thought Red ate it all. Red’s eyes widened.

“Eat me with?” She gasped. Saying gasped doesn't really make it as strong as it should be.

“No!”

“Yes!” The answers came at the same time. A large wood cutter, with tree trunks for arms and beady eyes burst in, glaring at Wolf. He hefted the axe in his hand and charged forward. Wolf leapt out of the bed and ran for his life. The night cap flew off, and the pyjama’s tangled in his legs. He tripped up and ripped them off. The Wood Cutter was advancing... YAY Dramatic ellipses. No. Just no. Seriously.

Wolf sprinted through the thorns as they tore at his skin. And Wolf didn't run into this problem before hand, when he was visiting Grandma? His pulse pounded in his ears as he ran.

So that is why, as I tell this story, with Red on my left and Wolf on my right, Wolf says: I missed the fourth-wall breaking narrator /sarcasm. ._. Honestly, get rid of the narrator. Really kills the story.

“And that, children, is why you should never become a wood cutter,” Uhm. I don't get it?

Okay, so comedy is one of the hardest genres to write. See, studies have proven that when we write something, we find it a lot of times funnier than the person reading it does. This isn't to mean that you should crank up the crackpot level of this piece. oo" Good God no. What you should do is try something more subtle, or something a little less contrived. You don't want to make it clear that you're going for humor. Watch comedians and you'll realize they deliver all their lines with a straight face, which is partly why they are so funny. Check Charlie Chaplin and Rowan Atkinson out. They know they're being absurd, but do they get embarrassed or draw attention to the fact that it's absurd? No, they don't. They act as if the absurdity of their actions was the logical thing to do.

Similarly, that's why your narrator is nothing but a heavy weight your story has to drag around in this piece. oo Oh sure he has voice - he just broke the fourth wall. Breaking the fourth wall is tough, and even published authors don't do it very often because the goal is to drag the reader into the story and make him/her feel a part of it, not make him realize he's just a spectator. To pull off such a huge and constant break in the fourth wall, your writing will have to be phenomenal, and to be honest, it's not there yet. You're going to have to let go of the idea of breaking the fourth wall (saying you) unless you plan to crank up your writing by a hundred notches.

My suspension of disbelief is more tolerant to fairytales than to other stories, but this story just kind of picked up a bazooka and shot at it. o-o It got so absurd and messy I couldn't even believe it. Nothing made sense anymore. It didn't sound like something from the days of old, when mystical factors ruled over all of nature's laws, but rather, something from this age pretending to be mystical and strange and lovable. It's probably because of your wording. You tend to have modern phrases and speech patterns, which makes the whole thing very modern in a sense, and much harder to believe. You'll want to work on the voice of the piece, then - make it feel like something from older times. (No need to use ye and thee, but you get the drill. Read some fairytales and try to imitate the way the words feel.)

I won't go into characterization, because this isn't big in fairytales, but I'd like to ask you to avoid the be verbs. You have lots of them. She was eating, he had gone to visit her, etc. You'll want to avoid the "was", "had", "were", and others of the like because it slows down and kills prose. The audience prefers to be there when the action happens, instead of having you tell us what happened before. "She told him to get out." > "She had told him to get out."

Anyway, that leads me to the idea of show, don't tell, which you seem to forget lots. oo" I believe you've heard of it before -- almost everyone has -- but you prooobably don't really understand it. Not a lot of people do. ^^" Show don't tell basically means to show the people how it is and not tell them.

For example, I'll give you a sentence in show and tell.

She's angry.

Telling.

She slammed her books on the table.

Showing.

See how you can infer she's angry from the second? Plus, I moved the plot along a little bit because our protagonist is actually moving. The first is a waste of words, while the second maximizes the sentence. Plus, it doesn't look down on the audience because with the second, you're allowed to formulate opinions on your own. The trick with writing is to not let the readers know you're manipulating them.

Another example, just to be sure.

She's gorgeous.

Telling.

The way she walked into the room, hips swaying and heels clacking, ensured no one could resist staring at her.

Bam. The second shows more. First, you get the impression she's really good-looking. Second, you have your own version of her. Is she fierce? Seductive? Dark, or vibrant? Vampish, maybe? It's up to you to form your own opinion, but I've laid the groundwork.

Lastly, like Stella said, pick one POV and stick with it. You want to go with Wolf? Go with Wolf the entire way. Red? Then go with Red the entire way. Or at least, if you're adamant about switching POVs, then differentiate the scenes in Wolf's point of view and Red's point of view. oo" It blurred a bit there and everything just mixed in together. Not good.

So I think that's all I have to say for now. If anything occurs to me again, then I'll add it to this review. ^^ I hope you find this review helpful in your revisions, and good luck in the contest! PM me if you have any questions or need anything~

Sincerely,

Octave