z

Young Writers Society


Chapter Two



User avatar
39 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2209
Reviews: 39
Thu Aug 18, 2011 9:41 am
laylaflame says...



Chapter Two of my yet-to-be-named story:) This chapter is alot shorter than the first, but enjoy and feel free to fix any mistakes or suggest better ways for me to communicate my ideas. NOTE-personally i dont like the begining but i dont know how to change it...
Stuff that happened in chapter 1 is in the following spoiler-

Spoiler! :
Vivian Fay is a 16 yr old girl in a fantasy world similar to our middle ages. She lives in a kingdom with a royal family, to which her father (Henry Fay) is highly regarded as the Royal Guard Captain, and mother (Hannah Fay) as running the Palace gardens. Her uncle (Rupert) is also the Royal docter:P and she is close with her 15yr old cousin Claudia. The last chapter begins with a prologue where a man kills himself after killing his wife and daughter. The story then begins with Vivian painting, when she has a vision of a woman soaked in blood. Later she meets Mr Warwick (a very odd old man), and Christain Bailey (main character) who is also the archery instructer for Princess Elizabeth (who is 8), there is also a young Prince David mentioned.
All events happen within the beginning of the day, and a banquet is being held tonight for the army's return, (including Vivian's father) ..hope that helps any who are confused:)



This is the end; there’s no way I could go on living now. How did this happen? How could this happen? I sink to the ground; sliding down the wall, and hug my knees as if they were a lover I’d never see again. Surely there must be more good in the world.

“Vivian?” Claudia whispers to me “trust me it will be okay.” How could anything ever be okay again, I wonder? “Viv, it’s just a dress.”

“That’s what you say now! Soon it will be tight bodices with thigh high skirts! They’ll call you Miss Claudia, and not the Miss Claudia they call you now might I say. Instead they’ll say it with spite and darkness; as if talking to an alleyway wh…”

“Vivian!” She yells cutting me off; just able to contain her laughter she whispers; “my father is just behind that wall,” gesturing towards her bedroom door.

For the past hour, Claudia and I have been sorting out our outfits for the banquet tonight. Actually I shouldn’t say that; we’ve spent this time sorting out Claudia’s outfit for tonight. I’ve known what I was going to wear since nine O’clock morning; a dress my father bought me. My current dilemma though, is with what my sweet cousin has just discovered in her attire, and had become determined to wear. That is, if she fits in to it…

“I’ll fit in to it. I can read your face, you think I won’t.”

“You haven’t worn it since you were twelve!”

“And it was huge! The tailor did a terrible job on the size, but now I’m more… developed,” she grins, “I’m telling you Viv, it’s going to fit.” I watch her with my worried eyes as she goes behind the curtain to change. I imagine her in the deep blue dress, just able to walk with it hugging her sides. Just think of the abuse I would get from her father (and my own), if I let her wear such a garment!

She emerges with a satisfactory smile upon her lips; “told you.”

***


I feel the glances sweep over us as we approach the Grand Hall, but they seem to pause a second longer on Claudia. “I am so dead. Your father is going to kill me when he sees you.”

“Exactly; when he sees me,” she says in that cunning way of hers.

“You’re kidding me! You think you can hide from your father all night?” The amount of looks she was getting convinced me this would be an impossible task. “You’re lucky we escaped from your room without him seeing you!” We had persuaded him to leave early through another one of Claudia’s clever plans. This one involved me apologizing for styling her hair, and causing a beauty dilemma which would need another hour to fix. This he of course replied with a; “maybe next time just stick to a simple hairstyle Vivian,” and then stalked off.

“Well I suggest,” she begins, but is caught in another thought. “Actually don’t mind me. Prince Kaleb seems to be watching you.” I follow her eyes in an inconspicuous manner to far corner of the courtyard, where the eldest of the Reinhart children, the seventeen year old Prince, is talking with a guard. Odd, I think, usually the Royal family enters the hall for such celebrations by the back, arriving after the crowds to officially start the banquet. Claudia was right though, he was sneaking glances at me, making me quickly look away when our eyes meet.

My childhood, and current life, has always been closely linked with the Royals, though I’m far from being royal myself, I assume I could be considered a member of a noble family. My father was promoted into the Royal Guard almost ten years ago, and the current king, King Eli Reinhart, kept his official guard close by, and often became quite acquainted with their families. I guess this was for security reasons, but it meant I was often in the palace grounds. My father soon was raised to Royal Guard Captain, putting him in charge of the Kingdom's protection. So my connections with my uncle and father kept me within the Royal’s eye. I even did needle work lessons with the Princess.

Prince Kaleb though, he was restricted. I have had short conversations with all the Reinhart family, including the King, many with Princess Elizabeth and the Queen, but Kaleb rarely acknowledged me. I didn’t take it as an insult, he had his position and I had mine. Occasionally at official gatherings he would greet me, remind me about the great work my family contributed to the Kingdom, smiled nicely and moved on. I suppose he is really a good person, but can only limit the time to show it with those who matter.

He paces towards me now; intense, serious blue eyes aimed in my direction. Claudia is getting skittish, and squeezes my hand quickly before edging away into a flock of people - leaving me an open target. It’s not that I don’t like him, or even feel intimidated by him, but the rareness of his current actions has made me suspicious. His lips are pursed, and I try to lighten the mood by putting a large smile on mine. A flash of sadness crosses his face as I do this. Soon he stands less than a meter away, and I notice his left hand is slightly shaking. What could possibly trouble this collected young prince so much as to make his hand tremble, and why on earth is he standing in front of me? Just as my mind begins to race, he opens his mouth to speak.

“Viv.” He sounds startled and I barely hear that he used my nick-name. He clears his throat to continue; “Miss Fay, I regret… I regret to inform you… Dear Miss Fay, I regret to inform you, could you please join me in… I’m so sorry but…” He is lost for words. Never have I seen or heard of the young prince behave in such a way. I don’t know what to say. Maybe nothing? I wait for him to find his voice. But he doesn’t, and we stand in silence.

Until the silence is broken by a woman’s scream.

***


It hit me then, the reality of what just happened. My eyes sweep over the crowd and stop at Kaleb. Did he know? Is this what he was trying to tell me? I can feel my knees buckling under me, but take no notice of whose hands are reaching out. They don’t make it in time, and I fall to the ground.

It happened so fast, yet I remember it in slow motion; the moment my eyes caught sight of the bleeding woman, her cries of pain as she ran into the courtyard, her fair hair wisped across her face, and the red that stained her hands. But it was her words that struck my chest; that knocked me from this world and left me broken on the floor. The desperate cry that filled her voice, and the words that hit the masses like a slap to the face; it all echoed in my ears. He… He took his… Sir Henry Fay… His life, he took his life! In the forest, he just lied there… I… I tried to help… But he was already… gone. Then came the extended silence, or at least it felt like it to me; mouths moved but made no sound, and tears fell without any sobs. Have I gone deaf? Will these be the last words I hear? Another scream pieces the air and I quickly wish they were.

“Mother! Mother!” I cry; my eyes desperately searching the crowd, turning to towards her shrieks. Strong hands lift me to my feet and steady me by the shoulders. I push them away and lose myself in the people. It seems like eternity, wondering the courtyard with barely enough strength to stand. Finally someone pulls me away. “Mother?” I plea as I twist to them.

“No. No Vivian, its Christian; Christian Bailey from this morning.” It takes me a moment to realize who this Christian is when all my head is doing is screeching for my mother. And for my father… “Vivian, come this way. Your mother’s been taken inside.” He pulls me along from the hand into the hall, leaving the nightmare filled courtyard behind us. I take no notice of the turns we make or the number of doors he opens, and my eyes finally refocus once we reach a small room.

“Sweet Miss Fay.” The Queen beckons from where she holds my tearful mother in her arms. The room I’ve been brought to appears to be a private study, crammed with a few of the guard, my distressed mother, the King and his wife, and even Prince David hiding in the corner. Christian leads me over to her, letting go of my hand once I’m in the safety of my mother’s cradle. Then the door flies open, and Prince Kaleb marches in, back to his controlled self, followed by Claudia and Uncle Rupert.

The room stays hushed; nothing but the now quiet sobs of its occupants hangs in the air. Henry Fay, Sir Henry Fay Captain of the Royal Guard, my mother’s loving husband and lover, young Claudia’s generous uncle, sincere brother to Rupert Fay, loyal friend to the Royal family. My father…

Is dead.



..
“Love is the answer
At least, for most of the questions in my heart, like
Why are we here and where do we go
And how come it's so hard”
― Jack Johnson
  





User avatar
770 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 30301
Reviews: 770
Thu Aug 18, 2011 1:28 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Hey there layla!

Well, I must say this was an intriguing chapter. I haven't read the first, and maybe I should, because I enjoy your style.

A few things to mention, though. The Prince. She says she's never spoken much to him because of their ranks. That's fine. The way she describes him, I see him as a future ruler, calm and poised. But, he breaks down in front of her, calls her 'viv'. That really bothered me. Someone who seemed so well schooled in politics and other things wouldn't just break down like that.
I think I understand that he's meant to be upset, because the father was close to the family, but would he break down that way in front of his future subjects?

Also...this is a fantasy land. Yet, if you hadn't told me, I wouldn't have known. The girls speak like we do, and there's no reference to the land being any different than any other culture. Look at Harry Potter. Have you read it? JK is constantly peppering information throughout the chapters to remind us that this world isn't like our own, but she does it in a way that it doesn't feel like an info dump. Try it out.

Other than that, I thought this was well done. The relationship between the cousins is cute, and something most people can relate to. I think the emotion described when they find out of the father's death is also well done.

Keep up the great work!

Tanya
  





User avatar
1485 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 154066
Reviews: 1485
Sun Aug 28, 2011 10:38 am
IcyFlame says...



Hey there Layla! I'm liking your username there by the way, seeing as I'm also a 'flame' :)
I'll try to nitpick a little for you, whilst I'm here :)
laylaflame wrote:Surely there must be more good in the world.
I think this should be 'some' rather than 'more'. What you have works, but I think it'a less common.

laylaflame wrote:“Vivian?” Claudia whispers to me.Trust me it will be okay.” How could anything ever be okay again? I wonder. “Viv, it’s just a dress.”
It's quite hard to write thoughts, and to determine where and when they need italics but I've had an educated guess here, I don't think you have to put it like that, just watch where you put your periods and question marks. The fact that she wonders is not the question in this situation, but her thought is. Make sense?

laylaflame wrote:“Vivian!” She yells cutting me off; just able to contain her laughter she whispers; “my father is just behind that wall,” gesturing towards her bedroom door.
I think your puctuation is a little mixed here, I would write is like this:
laylaflame wrote:“Vivian!” she yells cutting me off; just able to contain her laughter. she whispers;My father is just behind that wall,” she whispers,gesturing towards her bedroom door.
I just think it flows better, but that's up to you of course.

I think a lot of the small grammar issues here seem to invlove the way you structure your speech. Try to only break it up with commas when the person is in the middle of a sentence, rather than just before they start a new one.

I have to agree with Tanya because she's amazing I wouldn't have understood that this was set in a different world if you hadn't stated it. Try to drop in little hints throughout the story.

Overall though, good job keeping me hooked throughout. Keep writing!
Icy :)
  








Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that.
— Ellen Degeneres