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Tue Aug 16, 2011 6:20 pm
Maddee says...



Not only was my sleep terrible that cold Winter evening, so were my dreams. Through them I shook and rolled all around my bed on that rain-filled night, sweating my blonde hair so that it looked like I jumped in the lake; body shaking violently, uncontrolably. My nightmares were filled with trees like claws, crows swarming about bloody carcasses and clawing away flesh with their beaks. Oozing chrimson liquid dripping down onto the dusty ground, sparking like wine. But yet I continued to walk; but as I did so, I felt warm hands reach around me and cover my mouth, dragging me in to a black abyss.
But then I woke. I jerked up so quick that my loyal dog, Champion, stood up and started to bark wildly. My lungs raced, heart pounding faster and faster.
"It is all right," I told Champion, petting his spotted head, "Only bad dreams, only nightmares," But my lab continued to bark, though at the walls. I turned in the deraction of his head: "Just the house, boy." I reached out to pet the animal, but my usualy calm and content dog growled and snapped at my fingers. "Manners..." I huffed, getting out of bed to find somthing to wear for the day. I decited on a long black dress and a lacy half-cardigan with silver slippers, tying my hair high.
"Good morning," I smiled to Braen, our butler. "Where are my Mother and Father, Braen? I have not seen them, did they go for a stroll, perhaps?" I questioned him, sitting down in my chair-letting the man push me in. Our butler siffened: "Miss Genevieve," His words were uncomfortly sorrowfull, like a petty rain. "Master Hilt and Mistress Hilt have-" Sniff "-been killed"
I gaged.
"Liar!" I screamed, throwing my food off the dining room table, breaking dishes and various glasses. "How dare you?" I questioned Braen, my voice full of anger and confusion, "How dare you lie to your master? Now tell me, where are they realy?" I pointed a accusing finger at him, "Well, filth?"
Braen innocently bowed, "Their bodies have been discovered in the lake, Miss..." He looked up, eyes cold as steel, "I am not a liar" He added, leaving. the room; letting me stand there eyes opened so wide, hands cut up from thrashing about, my teeth grinding together like a madman. I then realised Braen had never lied to me- wait- he never even talked to me...until now. "W-wait," I slumped to the floor, "Killed: ucciso- Italian..." I looked at my brused hands; speaking in many languages I had to lean in my lesseons, that way it didn't seen to be real.
I stood up, dusting off my dress, though dirt was on it. I swallowed hard, eyes still wide like a cats. I ran outside. In the rain. The hard rain that felt like a million cold knives on my cheek- wait, my face was bleading. I touched my cheek, more ruby blood consumed my fingers. Looking up, I felt the harsh rain split my face. Oh, it felt so good...it was as though all my greatest fears and worries just became the wind: blowing effortlessly away from me, never to return.
The Delitto lake lay right in front of me. Gray and life-taking water almost sucking me in to it. "Love me," I whispered to myself, walking to Delitto, "Hate me- Bend me- Break me- Save me- Take me-e-e-e~" I closed my eyes. Put a foot on top of the deep water. Fell down into the liquid.
I opened my eyes, taking in the fate I just chose. My pink lips curled into a smile. A wicked smile. I laughed, like a witch would, but my evil chuckle-'Majo tachi wa fukumi warau'- drowned out to wild choking. My face turned purple, lips blue, like my mother's bluebell flowers she used to plant in the garden. I fell into the enternal slumber known as death.
I felt myself be taken from the water. I was put down on somthing soft; possibly grass. I wouldn't know, my eyes were still shut- my head tilted to the side. Someone straightened my face upwards, holding my nose and opening my mouth. Whoever it was pressed his or her lips to mine was an angel. Angelo. Lips so soft, toutch so comforting...
I chocked on water. The angel sat me up, having the water spill out of my mouth- and most of my stomach bile, too. As I puked up all the acids and filthy water from my belly, I realised my Angelo was a man. An old man, really. With big earlobs and puckered lips, matched with silver-white hair. "There, there, missy," He calmly said, making circle in my back with his wrinkled hand, "It's okay, It is okay," I stopped coughing after a while.
"Thank-"I looked up to show my first and most lady-like gradatude. But my angel was gone.Il mio angelo era andato.
I huffed, "Wow, very nice angel, Gennie," My hands went on my way-too-small hips, sticking out my tounge I pouted at thin air. Then I scanned my area.
My eyes widened. It was a coincidence. Yes, yes just peachy.Trees like claws, crows swarming about bloody carcasses and clawing away flesh with their beaks. Oozing chrimson liquid dripping down onto the dusty ground, sparking like wine. Nightmare.
"...oh...god..." I put my hands on my head, squeasing hard, my intire body skaking like I'd seen a murder. "...no, oh no..." And on the trees, mirrors hung lazly from demon branches; mimicing every little move I did. They seemed to come closer and closer until I was completely surrounded by my own reflection. I dared look in one...and I saw my normal self, only with no head. The next one I'd lost all my fingers, the nect my legs. But the last mirror scared me the most.
My head on the dry soil.
Eyes like caves.
Mouth sewen in a devilish smile.
I screamed. And picked up a long stick next to me; crashed the evil reflection of me and ran through the frame, dropping the stick along with me.
I ran so far I'd thought I'd find the lake. But I did not. Insted I was at a pile. A pile of bones. Again I swollowed hard. I walked around the bloody remains. Stiopping halfway just to peek. But as I dared to look. A arm remain reached out from the stack. Running, trying to get away from the cursed bone; I found another stick a quickly turned around smashing the thing with it. "Die! Die! Die!" I yelled at it, crying saltly tears, slaming the stick harder and harder at the remain before cracking it.
My breathing was heavy. My blue eyes wide once again. I chuckled, "Gotcha' dummy!" I turned around, smiling madly. I decided to walk once again, weapon stick in hand. I hummed as I went, swinging the branch back and forth.
But then I stopped. I felt hands slip around my stomach, neck, legs, arms and face. I started to cry, but the hands wiped away my tears; I tryed to yell, but the arms covered my mouth; I tryed I wided my eyes, but the hands covered them.
I tryed to live, but I killed myself.
~Maddee
  





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Tue Aug 16, 2011 6:35 pm
PrincessOfDarkness says...



Not only was my sleep terrible that cold Winter (It doesn't need to be a capital) evening, so were my dreams. Through them I shook and rolled all around my bed on that rain-filled night, sweating my blonde hair so that it looked like I jumped in the lake; body shaking violently, uncontrolably. My nightmares were filled with trees like claws, crows swarming about bloody carcasses and clawing away flesh with their beaks. Oozing chrimson liquid dripping down onto the dusty ground, sparking like wine. But yet I continued to walk; but as I did so, I felt warm hands reach around me and cover my mouth, dragging me in to a black abyss.

But then I woke. I jerked up so quick that my loyal dog, Champion, stood up and started to bark wildly. My lungs raced, heart pounding faster and faster.

"It is all right," I told Champion, petting his spotted head, "Only bad dreams, only nightmares," But my lab continued to bark, though at the walls. I turned in the deraction (Direction?) of his head: "Just the house, boy." I reached out to pet (Another word for pet?)the animal, but my usualy calm and content dog growled and snapped at my fingers. "Manners..." I huffed, getting out of bed to find somthing to wear for the day. I decited (Decided)on a long black dress and a lacy half-cardigan with silver slippers, tying my hair high.

"Good morning," I smiled to Braen, our butler. "Where are my Mother and Father, Braen? I have not seen them, did they go for a stroll, perhaps?" (When did she not see them? Maybe, at the start of this paragraph, she could go to her Mum and Dad's room to bid them good morning, and then this would make sense.) I questioned him, sitting down in my chair-letting the man push me in. Our butler siffened: "Miss Genevieve," His words were uncomfortly sorrowfull, like a petty rain. "Master Hilt and Mistress Hilt have-" Sniff "-been killed"

I gaged.

"Liar!" I screamed, throwing my food off the dining room table, breaking dishes and various glasses. "How dare you?" I questioned Braen, my voice full of anger and confusion, "How dare you lie to your master? Now tell me, where are they really?" I pointed a accusing finger at him, "Well, filth?"

Braen innocently bowed, "Their bodies have been discovered in the lake, Miss..." He looked up, eyes cold as steel, "I am not a liar," He added, leaving. the room; letting me stand there eyes opened so wide, hands cut up from thrashing about, my teeth grinding together like a madman. I then realised Braen had never lied to me- wait- he never even talked to me...until now. "W-wait," I slumped to the floor, "Killed: ucciso- Italian..." I looked at my brused hands; speaking in many languages I had to lean in my lesseons, that way it didn't seen to be real.

I stood up, dusting off my dress, though dirt was on it. I swallowed hard, eyes still wide like a cats. I ran outside. In the rain. The hard rain that felt like a million cold knives on my cheek- wait, my face was bleading. I touched my cheek, more ruby blood consumed my fingers. Looking up, I felt the harsh rain split my face. Oh, it felt so good...it was as though all my greatest fears and worries just became the wind: blowing effortlessly away from me, never to return.

The Delitto lake lay right in front of me. Gray and life-taking water almost sucking me in to it. "Love me," I whispered to myself, walking to Delitto, "Hate me- Bend me- Break me- Save me- Take me-e-e-e~" I closed my eyes. Put a foot on top of the deep water. Fell down into the liquid.

I opened my eyes, taking in the fate I just chose. My pink lips curled into a smile. A wicked smile. I laughed, like a witch would, but my evil chuckle-'Majo tachi wa fukumi warau'- drowned out to wild choking. My face turned purple, lips blue, like my mother's bluebell flowers she used to plant in the garden. I fell into the enternal slumber known as death.

I felt myself be taken from the water. I was put down on somthing soft; possibly grass. I wouldn't know, my eyes were still shut- my head tilted to the side. Someone straightened my face upwards, holding my nose and opening my mouth. Whoever it was pressed his or her lips to mine was an angel. Angelo. Lips so soft, toutch so comforting...

I chocked on water. The angel sat me up, having the water spill out of my mouth- and most of my stomach bile, too. As I puked up all the acids and filthy water from my belly, I realised my Angelo was a man. An old man, really. With big earlobs and puckered lips, matched with silver-white hair. "There, there, missy," He calmly said, making circle in my back with his wrinkled hand, "It's okay, It (Not capital) is okay," I stopped coughing after a while.

"Thank-"(space)I looked up to show my first and most lady-like gradatude. But my angel was gone.Il mio angelo era andato.

I huffed, "Wow, very nice angel, Gennie," My hands went on my way-too-small hips, sticking out my tounge I pouted at thin air. Then I scanned my area.

My eyes widened. It was a coincidence. Yes, yes just peachy.Trees like claws, crows swarming about bloody carcasses and clawing away flesh with their beaks. Oozing chrimson liquid dripping down onto the dusty ground, sparking like wine. Nightmare.

"...oh...god..." I put my hands on my head, squeasing (Squeezing)hard, my intire (entire) body skaking like I'd seen a (been) murdered. "...no, oh no..." And on the trees, mirrors hung lazly from demon branches; mimicing every little move I did. They seemed to come closer and closer until I was completely surrounded by my own reflection. I dared look in one...and I saw my normal self, only with no head. The next one I'd lost all my fingers, the nect (next) my legs. But the last mirror scared me the most.

My head on the dry soil.

Eyes like caves.

Mouth sewen in a devilish smile.

I screamed. And (I screamed and)picked up a long stick next to me; crashed the evil reflection of me and ran through the frame, dropping the stick along with me.
I ran so far I'd thought I'd find the lake. But I did not. Insted I was at a pile. A pile of bones. Again I swollowed hard. I walked around the bloody remains. Stiopping halfway just to peek. But as I dared to look. A arm remain reached out from the stack. Running, trying to get away from the cursed bone; I found another stick a quickly turned around smashing the thing with it. "Die! Die! Die!" I yelled at it, crying saltly tears, slaming the stick harder and harder at the remain before cracking it.

My breathing was heavy. My blue eyes wide once again. I chuckled, "Gotcha' dummy!" I turned around, smiling madly. I decided to walk once again, weapon stick in hand. I hummed as I went, swinging the branch back and forth.

But then I stopped. I felt hands slip around my stomach, neck, legs, arms and face. I started to cry, but the hands wiped away my tears; I tryed (tried)to yell, but the arms covered my mouth; I tryed I wided my eyes, but the hands covered them.

I tryed to live, but I killed myself.



It has potential, but you need to re-read it and possibly use spell-check. This was good. I enjoyed it.
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Tue Aug 16, 2011 6:45 pm
Boolovesyou says...



Hey Maddee,

Not much to say other then a few mistakes,

body shaking violently, uncontrolably.
Uncontrollably

Oozing chrimson liquid dripping down onto the dusty ground,
Crimson

I turned in the deraction of his head:
detraction

but my usualy calm and content dog growled and snapped at my fingers.
usually

getting out of bed to find somthing to wear for the day.
something

I decited on a long black dress and a lacy half-cardigan with silver slippers,
Decided

I smiled to Braen, our butler.
Do you mean Brain ? I don't know thats a weird name...

Our butler siffened:
stiffened

His words were uncomfortly sorrowfull,
uncomfortably, sorrowful

, where are they realy?
really

I then realised Braen had never lied to me
realized

I looked at my brused hands
bruised

I had to lean ? in my lesseons
lessons

my face was bleading.
bleeding

I fell into the enternal slumber known as death.
eternal

was put down on somthing soft; possibly grass.
something

Lips so soft, toutch so comforting...
touch

I chocked on water.
choked

I realised my Angelo was a man. An old man, really. With big earlobs and puckered lips,
realized, earlobes

sticking out my tounge
tongue

Oozing chrimson liquid dripping down onto the dusty ground,
crimson

I put my hands on my head, squeasing hard, my intire body skaking like I'd seen a murder
squeezing? entire, shaking

mirrors hung lazly from demon branches; mimicing every little move I did.
lazily, mimicking

Mouth sewen in a devilish smile.
sewn?

Insted I was at a pile. A pile of bones. Again I swollowed hard. I walked around the bloody remains. Stiopping halfway
Instead, swallowing, stopping

I yelled at it, crying saltly tears, slaming
salty, slamming

I tryed to yell, but the arms covered my mouth; I tryed I wided my eyes, but the hands covered them.

I tryed to live, but I killed myself.
Tried, widened

Okay, You HAVE to spell check before you post things. I don't like having to go through an entire story and pointing out everything you spelt wrong, and I just did spelling not grammar. Here is a site that will check your spelling and grammar.

http://www.spellchecker.net/spellcheck/

Use it, please.

PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!

-Boo
Milestiba uzvar visu, Milestiba ir upuris.
  





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Reviews: 42
Wed Aug 17, 2011 6:26 pm
alabasterwolveness says...



Ok... This really was not enjoyable for me at all. There were a lot of mistakes that really bugs me! If you are having that many mistakes then you should probably check your spelling becfore you post anything on here ever please! I know some others will be the same way, I know Im being rude but seriously... It says your 21 how can you not know how to spell... Like I said before, it wasnt enjoyable for me. Probably others might feel the same way. Fix them please! Once you do, contact me and maybe I can give you a better review. Thanks!

~Robbin
~Lady Death~
Down in the dark, alone at night. Bleeding and Torn... Broken in the light
  








Pain is filtered in a poem so that it becomes finally, in the end, pleasure.
— Mark Strand