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Fri Aug 12, 2011 6:28 pm
Maki-Chan says...



WOW! It's been forever since I posted something here, this is what I have been working on lately. Here is a small teaser to it. Does it sound exciting?


The flames rose higher and higher into the twilight sky. They created a halo of light showing the agony of a dying people. This once sacred ground was now covered in the blood of the human nomads that traveled across the lands guided only by the wind. As the raging inferno consumed the wagons, a figure came running towards the scene. She froze as she witnessed the hell fire devouring her kin and destroying the only home she had ever known.
Crimson blood skin against the nighttime horizon, the demon girl with the tail rushed into the scene, "Sister! Father!"

Calling out, she sought out the only family she ever had. The girl braved the very hellish flames to find them, "CAPRICA!"

The demon girl stopped and looked around till she spotted the voice. It was her younger sister, Dawn. Crying out with joy, Caprica rushed to her sister, "Dawn!"

"Hm? A Tiefling? How amusing," A cruel voice laughed.

In front of a pillar of fire, a strange creature held a young human maiden in its grasp. The creature resembled a dragon, but it bore a masquerade mask and hollow blue, glowing eyes beneath it. Slithering its long neck down, the creature began to shift its shape into a young woman with a blue-feathered dress. Her long, glowing orange hair draped over Dawn's small body. The young girl's hazel eyes looked void of any life.

Stroking Dawn's pale peach skin, the woman stared at Caprica almost mesmerized, "It has been exactly 19 years, 23 days, 13 hours, 52 minutes, and 12 seconds since the last time I have seen a Tiefling alive. I am quite surprised."

Glaring at the mysterious woman, Caprica's golden eyes dimmed and blended in with the blackness that surrounded them, "Let her go."

The woman laughed, "A lowly demon has no say over the great Isleen."

Caprica's eyes widened as she took a step back. That woman was Isleen. The great, all-powerful Isleen the deity that rained over all others the strongest, Caprica had no chance against her, "P-please, just let her go."

The deity frowned, "Alright."
Melting, the deity transformed into a colossal cube of slime, and Dawn floated helplessly inside as she began to drown. Caprica hasty made her way to the cube, and she shoved her arms inside hoping to grab her sister, "KYA!"

Screaming in agony, the Tiefling girl quickly pulled her arms out. She looked at her arms. The fabric was burning her flesh looked like it had been branded, "You cannot hope to touch me unless I allow it."

Caprica begged and begged, "please! Don't kill her! Please don't take my sister away!"

"If I wish, I could do both and you can do nothing to stop it."

Caprica's eyes began to fill with tears, "P-please don't, I beg you."

The goop splashed against the surface, and Dawn was released. She coughed heavily as she moved her red hair out of her face, "C-caprica?"

The Tiefling smiled, "Dawn!"

Before she could run to her sister, the goop gathered together into a human form behind Dawn. The deity wrapped its glowing green arms around the maiden, "DAWN!"

Giant wings busted through the deity's back and spread across the sky. The deity began to shape into a titan-sized bird, a colossus of the air. Dawn was trapped, held by the creature's talons.

Falling to her knees, the Tiefling could only watch as the Deity fly off with Dawn in her clutches. With her eyes full of tears, Caprica muttered to herself, "I will save you Dawn. I will kill Isleen."


But how can a mortal kill a God?
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Fri Aug 12, 2011 7:43 pm
Twinkle4ever says...



I like the Title. It suits a good, thrilling, adventurous story like this one. Stories which leave the readers in suspense and curiosity are the most liked ones. It is very, very exciting indeed. It leaves me with the urge to read the rest of the story. I like how the writer has described the whole scene; especially the rising flames. The names of the characters are well chosen. They are perfect for a story consisting demons.
You can wish for death... but you can't wish it away
  





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Fri Aug 12, 2011 8:26 pm
Maki-Chan says...



Thanks! I am glad you like it :)
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Fri Aug 12, 2011 10:32 pm
Noelle says...



Hi there!

I really enjoyed this. It seems like a great start. Is it going to be a novel? I can't wait to read more! The characters are solid and the villain is quite real. Great job!

Keep writing! :)
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

* * *

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done." -- Steven Wright

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Sun Aug 14, 2011 8:29 pm
Maki-Chan says...



thank you! I am glad you like it xD
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Tue Aug 16, 2011 8:36 pm
Boolovesyou says...



Hey Maki-Chan,

I made some corrections:

She froze as she witnessed the hell fire devouring her kin comma and destroying the only home she had ever known. 


Crimson blood skin against the nighttime horizon,

This is a little confusing? I think you need to reword what you are trying to say.

tail rushed into the scene,

This is the second time you’ve used this imagery, change it up before you get repeat it to many times.

The creature resembled a dragon, but it bore a masquerade mask and hollow blue, glowing eyes beneath it.

This is a run on sentence. Usually you can tell that when you use two conjunctions in it. Such as ( And, but, yet, for, or. ).

Her long, glowing semicolon orange hair draped over Dawn's small body.


Caprica's golden eyes dimmed comma and blended in with the blackness that surrounded them


Caprica hasty made

Hastly

"pPlease! Don't kill her!


I could do both comma and you can do nothing to stop it


The story was quite interesting! Good job!

PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!

-Boo
Milestiba uzvar visu, Milestiba ir upuris.
  





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Wed Aug 17, 2011 6:22 pm
alabasterwolveness says...



Ok... Hiya there, I liked the story but... You could go into depth with the character. I had a hard time wondering what a tiefling was. The other characters were good as well, but the main one.. Neh you could have used way more detail with her. But Im also confused on how her sister is something different then what she is. Are they step sisters? Are they even related? Thats the kind of questions I would ask you if I had read more into the book. You possibly might not go into great detail later on, if so then please forgive me if I sound really rude. Im a person who likes detail and stuff. Sorry! But I did like how you described the creature and the landscape. Knowing this, it was a little rushed at the end. Nothing to bad but I rush as well. Im kinda bad at it just a bit.

Other then my pickiness. It was a wonderful story and Im hoping to read much more from you! Got any questions or anything, feel free to contact me anytime!

~Robbin ^-^
~Lady Death~
Down in the dark, alone at night. Bleeding and Torn... Broken in the light
  





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Sun Aug 21, 2011 5:31 pm
Maki-Chan says...



I am glad you two liked it :3 *runs off to correct*

@Boolovesyou thank you so much for the grammar correction! xD I'm not the best at it lol

@alabasterwolveness your comment makes me very happy. Since this is a teaser not a lot of information can be given (though you do make some valid points with the main character's race. I don't know if I should describe it in the Teaser)

I hope to be posting more soon. Thank you! <3
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