Young Writers Society

Fishes of all colors and size scattered in every direction. The deep blue surrounding the creatures sprang into ripples as an effect of their motion. A giant octopus seemed to be getting larger - no, it was moving closer. As a reflex, she closed her eyes. But it wouldn’t be able to reach her anyway, the barrier above her kept the ocean and it’s creatures well away from Camellia’s reach. The air was thin and stingy, Camellia’s lung’s ached but to the creatures living in this dimension, it didn’t hurt, they didn’t breathe. The instant Camellia landed here, she thought of leaving. A world which consisted of 83% water, where vampires were the greater population, where the remaining humans only lived on land but Camellia was trapped underwater and literally, under the ocean water – a world like this failed to grip Camellia’s interest. And now 6 sunsets later, or that’s what Camellia had been told, she didn’t want to leave. Where else would she find vampires of such good demeanor? Where else were vampires such an established, civilized race who had created laws on their food products, cared about the extinction of the human race and grown to be so friendly? Just the thought of a friendly vampire was so paradoxical but it was the reality in this dimension.

The first paragraph failed to attract my attention. I'll be blunt about that. I was tempted to look away. While the scattering of fish does denote that an action took place, you may want to begin with the giant octopus first, then the fish. This is because it's not often to see octopuses, where as everyone can have a fish in their house. The first sentence I underlined doesn't seem right. I think you meant something like, "Due to reflexes, she flinched." People tend to move backwards and close their eyes when faced with a sudden event, or in other words, flinch. Also, you should add that the octopus did something. Maybe slapped the water or spurted out ink, something to surprise Camellia. The next underlined part seemed contradictary of what you say later. Do you mean, at first had failed to grab her attention? The last part is where we really wonder what's going on.

But what Camellia had truly fallen in love with was the atmosphere, the scenery. The first day on ‘Orvo’ (that’s what the people of this dimension called their planet), Camellia was very disheartened not to be able to see the sunrise; the sun was her favorite part of nature. She missed the feeling of the warm sunrays reaching her skin, she missed the sunrays peeking in through the curtains in the morning (even if it bothered her back at home). It wasn’t easy for the sunlight to reach all the way to the sea bed, especially not across the barrier. Camellia still didn’t understand how the barrier worked, how did this invisibly thin layer of glass hold all the sea water and it’s community above this world, how could it stretch all across the world? Camellia couldn’t imagine how powerful the magic would have to be to make this possible. But her new friends here told her they never cared to know and whatever it was, there was no magic in it. Camellia knew the laws were different on each world, but the effects of gravity where nullified no where. And neither did any dimension have a planet other than this in which living creatures existed.

Don't add unnecessary things (you see), unless you are purposely trying to talk to the author. You begin to repeat 'sun' alot so I suggest jus removing the word. People will understand if you say 'rays' and 'light'. I liked your mentioning of gravity and how it is a universal law. I also don't understand the last sentence. What about Earth? Wouldn't that mean there are two planets with life?

Camellia closed her eyes and recalled the address to her world. She gathered her strength to open a portal and when she felt it’s presence, she opened her eyes to see the view once more. She may never look Up to sea the sea again.

Ok, you have to introduce the concept of portals and gates here. Just throwing it at us and expecting us to know what it is doesn't exactly help the reader. We're wondering, "Why might she never see the sea again?" Is the portal one way? Is there some key word she needs, but forgot? Give us some background info regarding the portals. Also, you need to add a break here to show that the point of view has changed to Jason.

"Damn that freaking alarm clock!," Jason whined to himself. He thought he had turned the alarm clock off but it was still ringing.

"What madman created ‘snooze’?," Jason groped around in the dark, but couldn’t find his table watch. He hated the sound of the alarm, it made him want to throw the watch out for good. Sitting up on his bed, he squinted around, but his watch was nowhere he’d expected to find it, not the beside table, or the bed or the floor. The unbearable, ear-piercing nose went on.

"Is this what your looking for?," the alarm stopped ringing and a young woman in an 18th century attire stared down at him, "You’re an odd one, most people ask questions when they see an unexpected visitor. Well, I shouldn’t bother if you don’t. I really like this little…..device, but can you change the noise it makes? Something with a lower pitch would be nice. It’s clever that you can turn it off by one press."

Whined might be a bad way to introduce Jason. It instantly makes me think of a little kid who can't do anything by himself. Perhaps 'swore' to show how old he is (unless he is a little kid) or 'groggily said'. I also fixed your dialouge by putting in quotation marks. Where is Camellia standing by the way? If she's looking down at him, she must be sitting some place high or towering over him. Also, she never gives Jason a chance to ask a question, so her next line seems out of place. You may want to add, "Jason stared at her, dumbstruck at how this person had gotten into his home.

The woman turned the watch around and around as if it were a new toy and she were a clueless child. Jason got off his bed and turned on the lights, he was still wondering how this odd woman had turned up at his house. He often forgot to lock the door at night, but it’s not as if he had anything worth stealing here neither was he an important man who was worth kidnapping. "She must certainly be some foreigner. But why would she enter my apartment?" Jason pulled his tee straight and brushed his fingers through his hair. Then, when he noticed all his used clothes scattered all over the floor and the stench of his house got to his lungs, he decided it was no use: "I probably already made a first impression," In the light, Jason guessed she was 18 or 19. An 18th century gown, waist length wavy chestnut hair, pale skin and deep blue eyes: an odd, but interesting looking woman. She seemed very much like a fish out of the water, what was the story of this woman?

Fish out of water. Oh the irony. The quotation in the middle doesn't really need to be in quotation marks if it is him thinking to himself. If that is so, put it in italics and count it as a thought.

"Are you…can you talk? I hope you understand English, it’s the universal language – well I think so," and after a pause she added disappointedly, "Maybe I landed at the wrong place. Just assume you never saw me," She closed her eyes and chanted something alien. A wide, dark screen appeared about 2 feet away, it looked like a piece of cling film colored in black, stretched vertically from his untidy green tiles to his pale ceiling. Jason stared in awe, "Who the hell are you?"

I find it a bit wierd that he waited until now to speak, but I guess that's fine. If some lady was in my room and I woke up, I would be screaming.

Camellia’s concentration broke, the portal disappeared and she stared, or rather glared, at the dumbfounded man sprawled across the deep green, unwashed tiles. The uncombed black hair and unshaved beard made him look as if he were in his forties, but the glow of his green eyes, the structure of his strong but lanky limbs gave Camellia the impression of a man in his early twenties. Now that she realized she may have to stay here a while, Camellia looked around ; a house of two rooms but both equally cluttered with all the rubbish this man could afford to save, no curtains, no couches, no decorations, just one little bed which, Camellia thought thankfully had a bed sheet on .

"So…! Who are you? And what in the world was that?" An expression of fear spread across his face.

She smiled contently: "I am a traveler, and that is my gate to Nesret: the portal to the other worlds."

Questions, questions questions. Why does she have to stay here? What is Nesret? and Why is Jason scared now? Well, once you answer all of these questions, you will have a pretty polished piece of work, minus the grammar and syntac. I'm more of a plot/story person. Don't get me wrong and take anything too harshly, I really love this idea. Keep going and I look forward to the rest. Hope my advice helped you in some way.