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Young Writers Society


The beginning of the end contest entry.



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Wed Aug 10, 2011 8:23 pm
IcyFlame says...



Spoiler! :
My quick attempt at the contest, feel free to tear it to shreds. And the grammatical errors as highlighted by the lovely demoness were intended to be there :)


“Thoughts is very dangerous things,” declared Mrs Gumridge importantly, stroking her broomstick fondly. “Personally, I don’t have any more than three in a week.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” said Lizzie. “You can’t go about all day and just not think anything. It’s absurd! You wouldn’t know what you were doing or where you were going or…” she broke off.
“Who’s the leader here?” the other witch demanded.
Lizzie sighed. “You are.”
“And does you want to learn to be a witch or not?”
“I does,” she replied, then corrected herself quickly. “I mean, I do.”
“Good then.” Mrs Gumridge grinned toothily. “You must learn not to think too much.”
“Are you sure you’re even a real witch?” Lizzie asked, carefully. She didn’t want to upset the old woman, but she was becoming doubtful. After all, Mrs Gumridge didn’t have a wand or a black cat or a cauldron and her broomstick seemed to resemble a long stick.
Mrs Gumridge glared at Lizzie and then focussed her eyes on the sky above. Suddenly, the wind began to howl and lightening stabbed erratically at the earth like a badly trained assassin. Thunder boomed in the distance and rain lashed against the dark ground.
And back up on the shadowy hill sat Mrs Gumridge, smiling. “That was a bit of luck,” she muttered, too quietly for Lizzie to hear.
Lizzie jumped up in fear and ran down the hill. This old witch is mad, she realised, and decided to leave her to her thoughts.
Last edited by IcyFlame on Mon Sep 05, 2011 9:35 am, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Wed Aug 10, 2011 8:30 pm
Demoness says...



Hellue, IcyFlame! I haven't given up reviewing just yet, so hope this will come to help! ;D

“Thoughts are very dangerous things,” declared Mrs Gumridge importantly, stroking her broomstick fondly. “Personally, I don’t have any more than three in a week.” I like this comment, it's funny!

“Don’t be ridiculous,” said Lizzie. “You can’t go about all day and just not think anything. It’s absurd! You wouldn’t know what you were doing or where you were going or…” she broke off.

“Who’s the leader here?” The other witch demanded.

Lizzie sighed. “You are.”

“And do you want to learn to be a witch or not?”

“I does,” she replied, then corrected herself quickly. “I mean, I do.”

“Good then,” Mrs Gumridge grinned toothily. “You must learn not to think too much.”

“Are you sure you’re even a real witch?” Lizzie asked, carefully. She didn’t want to upset the old woman, but she was becoming doubtful. After all, Mrs Gumridge didn’t have a wand or a black cat or a cauldron and her broomstick seemed to resemble a long stick.

Mrs Gumridge glared at Lizzie and then focussed her eyes on the sky above. Suddenly, the wind began to howl and lightening stabbed erratically at the earth like a badly trained assassin. Thunder boomed in the distance and rain lashed against the dark ground.

And back up on the shadowy hill sat Mrs Gumridge, smiling. “That was a bit of luck,” she muttered, too quietly for Lizzie to hear.

Lizzie jumped up in fear and ran down the hill. This old witch is mad, she realised, and decided to leave her to her thoughts.



So I corrected a few grammatic errors, but other than that I didn't find any flaws with this story. I think it was both intriguing and amusing at the same time. I pointed out a line at the beginning which I found ecpacially funny! You use great imagery and descriptive words in this story too, which is always good and the ending was quite delightful. I wish you the best of lucks in the competition!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness
"Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice." - Robert Frost
  





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Wed Aug 10, 2011 8:33 pm
Rosendorn says...



Hey Icy.

I'm a bit indifferent to this. You have decent dialogue (with a few mistakes I'll get into in a minute) but I found you haven't really ended this story that concretely. You have a lovely set up and characterization in the bulk of this, but your last line could use a tinny bit of reworking.

Although, part of me likes how open-ended this is. You're left wondering, and it makes the story stick in your head more because of it. Readers don't know what happened, but they think they do with just a handful of "what if"s in there to make us really puzzle.

I actually disagree with demoness about the grammar corrections in the dialogue; they're her character, and those little grammar mistakes are what really show the witch isn't all that she seems, and shows she's not educated. I think you'd lose a lot of characterization if you got rid of the errors.

And the promised grammar nit-picks:

“Who’s the leader here?” The other witch demanded.


Should be lowercase "t" for "the".

“Good then,” Mrs Gumridge grinned toothily.


Period instead of a comma.

This article explains a bit more on dialogue grammar.

Overall, this is pretty good! I rather like it. Good luck in the contest. :)

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  








If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck…you should not be so quick to jump to conclusions.
— Cecil Gershwin Palmer