Young Writers Society

The violent wind was playing catch me if you can with my hair; it caught it, then swung it round over my face.
As the blue sea filled my vision, I could feel the salt taking refuge on my dried out lips as the wind carried on howling over the hills.

As I walked towards the glistening blue sea, my feet kept sinking into the soft, damp white sand.
I sat on top of a rough rock and looked out to sea.

Mist had taken over the sky now, it started to cloud my vision. I had to strain my eyes to see the figure which was intertwined with the grey mist, it seemed to twirl and dance around her,but never cover her.
Her eyes; as clear as crystal.

But then the mist; hungry like a ravenous beast, consumed the beautiful figure.

I gasped for some unknown reason, then scanned the rest of the sea for some sign of the being.
Admist my panic, I felt a slight pressure on my shoulder, I twisted round, to see a fairy standing behind me.

Her ears; pointing to the heavens.
Her lips; ever so voluptuous.

I fell of the rock on to the soft sand, as she just giggled.
She tripped over the side of the rock whilst she was laughing at me, she fell ontop of me, her knees on either side of my chest, I looked into our eyes and saw electricity fly.

She leaned in and kissed me slowly, our lips melting into each other like a sunset setting into the water.
My eyes fluttered open and saw her staring at me with what seemed a murderous intent.

She moved her fragile hand round to the back of my neck, her long nails started to dig in, and with every gasp I took, she dug the nails in deeper, the pain was mixing with the pleasure of the pressure of her nails into my body. I began to breathe deeper and deeper as her nails did the same, she tore open my shirt and started tracing down the middle of my chest, tracing down.. then back up my neck, she slid it so fast up the base of my neck that a line as thin as a hair went red and blood dribbled over the surface.

When my face screwed up with pain she decided she'd had enough of playing with me, she stood up as the waves started to crash against my legs, then she slowly walked away and dissolved into the mist.

I lay there, breathless, gasping for air, with the white froth of the sea sliding over the left side of my body.

Hi there! I liked the idea behind it: that idea that people aren't what they seem. However I do think you need to edit a few parts that I found confusing. Personally, I don't really feel there is much of a plot to make it a story. I also found a lot of the passages a bit ambigous. While ambigousy is good (trust me, I love it!) I found this to be a bit too ambigous. I also thought the flow/structure could use a lot of work, as it seemed all over the place IMO. Overall though, a great idea. It has fantastic potential- I can't wait to see more.

I like the idea. The "don't judge a book by it's cover" theme is relatable and useful in a story. However, I noticed a lot of run-on sentences, and all of the paragraphs were only a sentence or two. These are structural flaws you should definitely work on. Also, you need to maybe spice it up a bit. Use some literary devices, like metaphors and onomodopieas, to sort of make it more interesting. I also think that you should either add some details to make it lengthier or try to condense it into a short, 150 word, type of story. The ending could use some work, as well. It's kind of bland and doesn't really sum any thing up. I did love the title, though, because it leads you in and intrigues you. I love the idea, and the overall events of the plot are creative. With a little editing here and there, it could be great. I liked it.

Hey Henpen! Hawk here for a review.

All right...I think this is a good concept and you were successful in getting your point across that "not everything is as it seems." The way you go about telling this story, however, is a bit rough. See, you do a lot of telling instead of showing. So instead of describing the way his feet sink into the sand, you just tell us matter-of-factly that it's happening. It's a tricky thing to master (I struggle with it all the time in my writing), but a good tip to conquering it is to take a look at your favorite novels and find some passages where a scene is being described; study the way the author shows the scene taking place and how they avoid just blatantly stating what occurs. Also, here is a really good link about showing vs. telling.

Now that I've just about beaten that point to death, I'll move on with the review. ^_^

Since this is a short piece that isn't part of a longer story (yet!), I won't go on about details regarding the characters. I think it would be nice to have an idea of who our narrator is, perhaps what he looks like, what he does, where he is, etc., just so we have a little background on him. When he's attacked, I really didn't feel too horrified or sympathetic, because I don't know anything about him and I haven't grown attached to him in any way. I think you could really ratchet up the intensity of that scene if you made the narrator someone that the reader is rooting for in some way. You don't want him to be just a flat character that no one's interested in. A strong plot is a major driving force of a good story; characters that the reader is invested in make up another large portion of a book's popularity. So, more details on the character!

All right, that's all I've got to say; hope I helped. Let me know if you've got any questions or whatnot about anything I said. Cheers!