Young Writers Society

I know this isn't much to go on, but if you could just give me your impression of things unsaid, that would be great.

In return, I would of course be happy to review one of your pieces. If you have a preference or want a piece reviewed in a particular light, just tell me.

Thank you!

-Dox (<--Btw, my preferred way of abbreviating my username, in case you were worried about calling me 'PP' or 'Prince,' that latter of which might bother some music fans.)

Fitting In

The wide wooden doors opened without a sound. Light poured through, showering her with music and color. The ballroom was decorated in shades of gold and blue with sparkling drapes that covered the full-length windows and gaily dressed nobles twirling across the marble dance floor. The doorman offered her a bow that she ignored, and she walked down the steps in a no-nonsense manner. The skirt fought against her longs strides, wrapping around her legs. She paused to take a glass from one of the traveling waiters. The red wine was delicious, she admitted, and drained the glass in one gulp.

She almost dropped the glass without a thought, but caught herself. She had promised him her best behavior. Finding another waiter, she placed her empty glass on his tray. Her feet had only carried her a few more steps before a cup of that same delicious wine was thrown in her face.

Gasps followed. She wiped at her eyes with a hand, clearing her vision. An angry noblewoman stared back in challenge. She could feel a smirk curling her lips. One of the waitresses approached her with a napkin, and she took it from her along with a second glass of wine. The makeup that had been laid on so painstakingly smeared under the white cloth. Draining the beverage, she dropped the crystalline glass, taking keen pleasure in the sound of its shattering.

She retraced her stops, and the wooden doors thudded closed behind her.

*

“Back so soon?” he asked in despair. Red stains stood out against her lavender gown. “Someone threw wine at you?”

“Obviously,” she answered, not pausing to elaborate.
He groped for something more to say before she disappeared. “Did you at least enjoy yourself…?”

She paused. “The wine was good.”

Then the door to her room closed behind her.

Light poured through, showering her with music

I wish you had given 'her' a name, it would have made your character more memorable, but the piece is so short that it almost doesn't matter.

She had promised him her best behavior.

Again, I have no idea who 'him' is, but I feel like you are doing this on purpose, it does add a bit of mystery to the piece.

This is an interesting piece. The writing is very good, don't get me wrong, but it's also very confusing. I have no idea where she is, or WHO she is. I find myself wondering why someone threw wine in her face. This story is very vague, it could be a lot stronger if you gave the reader a better idea of what's happening. Cheers

Hey Dox! Stella here- you've been here longer than I have. *bows* It's a pleasure to meet you.

If you want to review something of mine, I'd love opinions on this but that's only if you want to, of course. YWS doesn't generally work on a one-for-one basis so I shan't be offended if you decide not to review it.

I. NITPICKS

Light poured through, showering her with music and color.

How does light shower her with music?

That's my only nitpick!

II. SHOW AND TELL

It's the oldest trick in the book. "Show, don't tell," we say to everybody. But sometimes it's just so tempting. Those long paragraphs of description can be so sumptuous and sometimes it's hard to resist. And sometimes it's okay! But sometimes, it's better to show us. For example:

"Mandy stood in the doorway. She was a little shorter than him, with long honey-coloured hair spilling out over her shoulders. She had huge brown eyes like a Labrador dog. The light from outside shone around her like a frame. She shifted her head to one side and smiled. "Hi," she said."

Now, take a look at this:

"The light from outside framed Mandy where she was standing in the doorway. She looked up at Ben with her huge, brown eyes- like those of a Labrador dog. She smiled and cocked her head to one side, sending a river of honey-coloured hair rippling down over her shoulder. "Hi," she said."

Now, neither of those are fantastic, but I think you'll agree, the second one is better. It's giving the information without shoving it down your reader's throats. But more importantly, you're not just leaving your character there while you go and explore the scene by yourself. What are they going to do all that time? Let us see the world through your character's eyes. To go back to my example- you could say, "Mandy was very pretty. She was Ben's best friend and had been since they were small." Or you could say, "All of Ben's friends thought Mandy was very pretty, but she had been his best friend for so long that he had become immune to her charms. Seeing her in the door though, he could see the attraction." It's not only telling us Mandy is very pretty, it's showing us that through Ben's eyes and developing him as a character. See? Try doing the same with the first few paragraphs here.

III. OVERALL

I absolutely adore the character you have here! Your description is, as I said, luxurious and lovely, all I think is that it should be presented slightly differently.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Hey guys--thanks for the reviews!

To confetti: You're right about the name, and if this had been a longer excerpt, I probably would have included it, but I was hoping that enough of her character came through to leave an impression without a name. Also, not grounding the reader well enough seems to be a consistent problem in all my work, but I wasn't sure of that until now, so I appreciate it.

To Stella: I've been a member longer, but I only recently started visiting more, so you've probably spent more time here than I have. ^^ I would be happy to review your piece. I'm never certain who I should review, so it's nice to have people come to me. You make a point that I haven't heard or read much about anywhere, and it makes a lot of sense, so I will definitely keep it in mind.

Thanks again!