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I can't keep you Secret.



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Tue Aug 02, 2011 6:51 am
BerlynnRae says...



I looked over the small balcony that allowed me to peer over my country. In all its beauty and wonder Thorium was the most enchanting place I had ever visited. The castle...my castle, my home over looked a south facing land. We were the mountains that the great rivers were conceived from.

"Conceived." I whispered to my small bear. It was one I had owned as a child. It's hallow blank expression seemed to mimic my sister.

"I shouldn't be calling her that, now should I?" I stroked the top of the small bears head. The event that forced my sister to retire as a princess and work in witchcraft. The problem which had occurred, that should have been a beautiful thing. I placed my hand gingerly on my tummy. It was empty. As I knew it would be.

"Should I have told him?" It merely gazed back in unmoving silence.I closed my eyes. As I remembered that beautiful moment.


I glanced around me leaning against the hard wall and smiling to the occasional knight. How I wished Somie was here. But it was not he who I had come for.

"Alyssum." I whispered, as I peered around the corner of the corridor. The bright floral work on tables, displayed beautifully in vases and brimming with sparking water blocked the view of my sister's face as she responded to my call.

"Alyssum." I called louder. She rounded the corner, her dark pink lips were turned down in a frown.

"Hush now sister." She glanced around and then weaved her hands in the air. It was magic. It was delicate and graceful. I was unfamiliar to her witchcraft but I stood in awe. My youngest sister would always be greater that I. Wouldn't she?

"Now." She inhaled and turned back to me, "what is it?" Her eyes were impatient.

"Alyssum," I stated happily.

"Asher?" She repeated with sarcasm.

"I have good news." I gripped my stomach. "Though I am not sure if it is true, I have good reason to believe that..." I breathed in, preparing for what was to come.

"That?" She prompted . I waved her closer and she leaned her head towards me. I took a final breath as I cupped my hands around her ear and whispered the word.

"What!" She jumped back. Looking at me with utter shock.

"I know, isn't it wonderful?" I beamed.

"Asher..." She just stared blankly. "No one can know."



I looked at my little bear. It's dark eyes just as deep and emotionless as the utter shock repelled from my sister's.

"Did you hear that Little Bear? No one can know." I laughed bitterly. I could feel the choke in my throat of the sobs coming but I retained them. They would not come. I would not let them.

"But they came back then. Didn't they, Little bear?"


I marched to the stables. Aktuma was being unfair, she knew that I was queen in only a few short months. How dare she insult me! Telling me that I was unfit for such a position, informing me that she should be queen. I would not allow it. I was first born. I was next in line. I stomped over to my horse. A large gray one, with small white dots sprinkling it and a a cream colored mane that felt like pure silk.

"Anything I can help you with my lady?" I looked over to a stable boy wiping the small tear that was exposed on my cheek. His hair was slightly bleached from the sun. Just a stable boy.

"I think I can mount myself, thank you." I replied curtly, sniffing. He gave me a sympathetic look.

"I meant with other matters. Something is bothering you." I scoffed.

"And what does a stable boy know?"

"I know that normally you skip in here and say, Good Afternoon." He stabbed a pile of hay with a pitchfork.

"What's your name boy?"

"Somie, My Lady." He slightly dipped his head then returned with his work.

"Call me Asher."[i]



I looked again at the bear.

"Call me Asher." I rubbed the paw of my animal. Little did I know at the time that the voice who called my name could bring me such joy. Such happiness.I touched the hand of my bear.

"His hands seemed so big." I felt the tears come again but I held them in.


"Where we going?" I jokingly demanded. Somie held his large hand over my eyes, and used the other to steer me.

"Almost there Asher." He chuckled, his laugh was hypnotic. I forced me to smile and laugh with him.

"Alright," He stopped, releasing me, "Open." I opened and around me were huge willow trees and in the clearing was a signal stump.

"It's beautiful Somie." I breathed. He smiled and towed me over the decaying wood. I sat and he knelt next to me.

"Asher..." He hesitated,"There's something I need to tell you." He fidgeted but I waited. His large eyes; large and very colorful eyes met mine.

"It could be bad news." He looked down again.

"I'm ready."

"Since I'm a knight now." He looked at me and we both knew that the reason he was ranked as a knight so quickly was because of me.

"Oh I can't say it." His head hung low.

"Please?" I begged, "for me?"

"Well, I...." He gripped my hand. Something he had never done before. It seemed like magic.

"Asher I," He looked at me again.

"Spit it out." He swallowed.

"Asher, I love you." I looked at him. His plains of his face and the mat of messy hair on his head. Everything seemed to glow.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Run away with you if I have to, I realize your a princess and you'll be queen soon but..." He looked at me and removed his hands from where they were resting. He brushed my face with his fingertips. Slowly he pressed his lips to mine. It was as if we fit. I quietly giggled as he continued.

"I wish this moment could last forever." He breathed, his lips moved on mine as he spoke.

"Then we'll make it." I kissed him this time. I pressed against him, proving to him that I reflected the same thought. We would make this moment special forever, in the grove surrounded by willow trees.



I smiled at my bear, it was sweet looking. Soft. I hugged it close to my chest as I felt the tears come. The ones I had sworn to myself that I would not allow anymore. Not over that, not over him.The saddest of all memories filled my mind.

I looked in my arms. He was there, alive. Healthy. Breathing. How I loved to hear the sound of him breathing. It was only a simple task but I loved it. I loved him."Asher," A voice whispered, "You can't." I looked up at my sister on her horse. She looked sad standing next to me. We had made all the arrangements. I told Somie that there was an important affair with a southern kingdom and the guards would not be protecting me tonight. Alyssum had put a spell on me so that only she could see me as I grew. As my stomach inflated into a large, round ball. As my body unexpectedly changed and Somie. Oh, Somie. My love couldn't hear that he. We...
I looked down at the bundle again. The mark of a royal on his small arm, a light spot that was shaped like a dagger. The skin was brown, a caramel tan. Just like everyone in Thorium.

"Can't I at least say goodbye?" I begged. His eyes were closed. His plump cheeks were soft and I gently kissed them.

"You are saying goodbye." She stated, "he isn't safe in Thorium. He will only cause talk among the people. No Asher, this is goodbye."

I kissed his forehead, soft tears spilling from my eyes.

"Can't I at least name him?" I never took my face away from his, my body cradled the child in my arms. My child.

"No. It would be better if he was not named." I nodded and pulled away. Gazing up into Alyssum's eyes. She looked down at him.

"He will be safe. I will watch him."

"Alyssum," I started protesting.

"No, my name is Bromnie. It is my start as a full witch." She nodded. "People will wonder where Alyssum went. They will ask you. But you must not tell them. You understand?"

"Yes." I nodded. My child, my baby boy, stirred slightly in his sleep.

"I need the child now." She held her arms out to me. She must want him for herself. Somie and I's precious child. I held him tighter. Looking in her eyes, hoping to see her intent. They were full of love and concern. I choked a sob. She was right, he would not be safe in Thorium. I gingerly handed him over, his hand spilled out from the blanket and for a moment reached for me. Then fell limp in a deep sleep. The kind that Alyssum or Bromnie could conger up.

"Somie doesn't know," She said in realization looking at me in awe, I had kept my promise. "You didn't tell him."

"No, Somie doesn't know." She nodded, and carefully removed a necklace from her pocket and gave it to me.

"I want you to tell them that I was killed and you barely escaped." I nodded, my arms now cold and empty.

"You are dead." I concluded, heartbroken.

"No," She shook her head. "Alyssum is dead, but I am still here. Take it." I took it from her. The stone was blue, maybe it was purple. I couldn't tell from the water that slipped out of my eyes.

"Dip it in water and it will call me to you. Whenever you need help I will always answer the call." We both nodded. Then she whipped the horse with one hand and it galloped away.

"Ride." I whispered as the faded into the darkness.



I looked at my bear and set in on the balcony. I couldn't keep him.

"I couldn't keep him..." I shivered in the light of the sun. It had been years, only a small few. But years. I blew on the creature and it tumbled off the railing, cascading down until it landed on the hard dirty ground. It fell. My tears fell. But I would not fall. So long as I could keep my secret.
Last edited by BerlynnRae on Tue Aug 02, 2011 11:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Tue Aug 02, 2011 4:49 pm
Gryffindor13 says...



This was really good! The character's emotions were so real, I felt like they were my own. You are really talented, especially with conveying emotion, which I find hard to do. I did think you could have described the characters a little more, apperance wise. But other than that, good job!
  





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Tue Aug 02, 2011 4:53 pm
BerlynnRae says...



Gryffindor13: I wanted my readers to fill in the character. I find that when I am reading a story about a girl with red hair I find it hard to understand the story because my hair is not red (rather blonde) I wanted the reader to make assumptions about who plays who in the story. I did add that all of there skin was caramel/tan colored but it was only briefly mentioned. Thank you for your review and I will be sure to consider that next time I write :)
~Berlynn Rae
  





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Tue Aug 02, 2011 8:30 pm
armstronge says...



It was extraordinarily and amazing! I seriously felt Asher's sorrow when she had to let go of her child. :O It's awesome! The front part was a bit confusing, but after I finished the entire thing everything made sense.

BerlynnRae wrote:I looked over the small balcony that allowed me to peer over my country. In all its beauty and wonder Thorium was the most enchanting place I had ever visited. The castle...my castle, my home over looked a south facing land. We were the mountains that the great rivers were conceived from.

"Conceived." I whispered to my small bear. It was one I had owned as a child. It's hallow blank expression seemed to mimic my sister.

"I shouldn't be calling her that, now should I?" I stroked the top of the small bears head. The event that forced my sister to retire as a princess and work in witchcraft. The problem which had occurred, that should have been a beautiful thing. I placed my hand gingerly on my tummy. It was empty. As I knew it would be.

"Should I have told him?" It merely gazed back in unmoving silence.I closed my eyes. As I remembered that beautiful moment.


I glanced around me. Leaning against the hard wall and smiling to the occasional knightThis is a fragment. You should connect it to the first sentence or just turn it into a new one. How I wished Somie was here. But it was not he who I had come for.

"Alyssum." I whispered. As I peered around the corner of the corridorAnother fragment, again try turning it into a new sentence or connect it. The bright floral work on tables, displayed beautifully in vases and brimming with sparking water blocked the view of my sisters face as she responded to my call.Are there more than one sister? I know that Asher is calling for only one of her sister, but where her other sisters there?

"Alyssum." I called louder. She rounded the corner, her dark pink lips were turned down in a frown.

"Hush now sister." She glanced around and then weaved her hands in the air. It was magic. It was delicate and graceful. I was unfamiliar to her witchcraft but I stood in awe. My youngest sister would always be greater that I. Wouldn't she?

"Now." She inhaled and turned back to me, "What is it?" If you put a comma after "she inhaled and turned back to me" then "What" can't be capitalized.Her eyes were impatient.

"Alyssum" I stated happily.

"Asher." She repeated with sarcasm.

"I have good news." I gripped my stomach. "Though I am not sure if it is true, I have good reason to believe that..." I breathed in. Preparing for what was to come.Again, another fragment.

"That?" She prompted . I waved her closer and she leaned her head "leaned" doesn't quite work here, maybe "turned her head" or if you want to use leaned, try "she leaned her head towards me". I took a final breath as I cupped my hands around her ear and whispered the word.

"What!" She jumped back. Looking at me with utter shock.

"I know, isn't it wonderful?" I beamed.

"Asher..." She just stared blankly. "No one can know."



I looked at my little bear. It's dark eyes just as deep and emotionless as the utter shock repelled from my sisters.Since Asher only told one of her sister, it would be "sister's"

"Did you hear that Little Bear? No one can know." I laughed bitterly. I could feel the choke in my throat of the sobs coming but I retained them. They would not come. I would not let them.

"But they came back then. Didn't they, Little bear?"


I marched to the stables. Aktuma was being unfair, she knew that I was queen in only a few short months. How dare she insult me! Telling me that I was unfit for such a position, informing me that she should be queen. I would not allow it. I was first born. I was next in line. I stomped over to my horse. A large gray one, with small white dots sprinkling it and a a cream colored mane that felt like pure silk.

"Anything I can help you with my lady?" I looked over to a stable boy wiping the small tear that was exposed on my cheek. His hair was slightly bleached from the sun. Just a stable boy.

"I think I can mount myself, thank you." I replied curtly, sniffing. He gave me a sympathetic look.

"I meant with other matters. Something is bothering you." I scoffed.

"And what does a stable boy know?"

"I know that normally you skip in here and say 'Good Afternoon'" He stabbed a pile of hay with a pitchfork.

"Whatsi think you meant "What's" your name boy?"

"Somie, My Lady." He slightly dipped his head then returned with his work.

"Call me Asher."[i]



I looked again at the bear.

"Call me Asher." I rubbed the paw of my animal. Little did I know at the time that the voice who called my name could bring me such joy. Such happiness.I touched the hand of my bear.

"His hands seemed so big." I felt the tears come again but I held them in.


"Where we going?" I jokingly demanded. Somie held his large hand over my eyes, and used the other to steer me.

"Almost there Asher." He chuckled, his laugh was hypnotic. I forced me to smile and laugh with him.

"Alright," He stopped, releasing me, "Open." I opened and around me were huge willow trees and in the clearing was a signal stump.

"Its Another one where you need an apostrophe "It's"beautiful Somie." I breathed. He smiled and towed me over the decaying wood. I sat and he knelt next to me.

"Asher..." He hesitated,"There's something I need to tell you." He fidgeted but I waited. His large eyes; large and very colorful eyes met mine. Once again, you can't capitalize "There's" if you want to put a comma before that.

"It could be bad news." He looked down again.

"I'm ready."

"Since I'm a knight now." He looked at me and we both knew that the reason he was ranked as a knight so quickly was because of me.

"Oh I can't say it." His head hung low.

"Please?" I begged, "For me?"Comma and capitalization.

"Well, I...." He gripped my hand. Something he had never done before. It seemed like magic.

"Asher I," He looked at me again.

"Spit it out." He swallowed.

"Asher, I love you." I looked at him. His plains of his face and the mat of messy hair on his head. Everything seemed to glow.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Run away with you if I have to, I realize your a princess and you'll be queen soon but..." He looked at me and removed his hands from where they were resting. He brushed my face with his fingertips. Slowly he pressed his lips to mine. It was as if we fit. I quietly giggled as he continued.

"I wish this moment could last forever." He breathed, his lips moved on mine as he spoke.

"Then lets "Let's"make it." I kissed him this time. I pressed against him, proving to him that I reflected the same thought. We would make this moment special forever, in the grove surrounded by willow trees.



I smiled at my bear, it was sweet looking. Soft. I hugged it close to my chest as I felt the tears come. The ones I had sworn to myself that I would not allow anymore. Not over that, not over him.The saddest of all memories filled my mind.

I looked in my arms. He was there, alive. Healthy. Breathing. How I loved to hear the sound of him breathing. It was only a simple task but I loved it. I loved him."Asher," A voice whispered, "You can't." I looked up at my sister on her horse. She looked sad standing next to me. We had made all the arrangements. I told Somie that there was an important affair with a southern kingdom and the guards would not be protecting me tonight. Alyssum had spelled me so that only she could see me as I grew.What does that mean? "As I grew"? You might want to reword that to make it clearer. As my body unexpectedly changed and Somie. Oh, Somie. My love couldn't hear that he. We...
I looked down at the bundle again. The mark of a royal on his arm, a light spot that was shaped like a dagger. The skin was brown, a caramel tan. Just like everyone in Thorium.

"Can't I at least say goodbye?" I begged. His eyes were closed. His pump"Plump" you mean? cheeks were soft and I gently kissed them.

"You are saying goodbye." She stated, " He isn't safe in Thorium. He will only cause talk among the people. No Asher, this is goodbye."

I kissed his forehead softly tears spilling from my eyes.

"Can't I at least name him?" I never took my face away from his, my body cradled the child in my arms. My child.

"No. It would be better if he was not named." I nodded and pulled away. Gazing up into Alyssum's eyes. She looked down at him.

"He will be safe. I will watch him."

"Alyssum," I started protesting.

"No, my name is Bromnie. It is my start as a full witch." She nodded. "People will wonder where Alyssum went. They will ask you. But you must not tell them. You understand?"

"Yes." I nodded. My child, my baby boy, stirred slightly in his sleep.

"I need the child now." She held her arms out to me. She must want him for herself. Somie and I's precious child. I held him tighter. Looking in her eyes, hoping to see her intent. They were full of love and concern. I choked a sob. She was right, he would not be safe in Thorium. I gingerly handed him over, his hand spilled out from the blanket and for a moment reached for me. Then fell limp in a deep sleep. The kind that Alyssum or Bromnie could conger up.

"Somie doesn't know," She said in realization looking at me in awe, I had kept my promise. "You didn't tell him."

"No, Somie doesn't know." She nodded, and carefully removed a necklace from her pocket and gave it to me.

"I want you to tell them that I was killed and you barely escaped." I nodded, my arms now cold and empty.

"You are dead."

"No," She shook her head. "Alyssum is dead, but I am still here. Take it." I took it from her. The stone was blue, maybe it was purple. I couldn't tell from the water that slipped out of my eyes.

"Dip it in water and it will call me to you. Whenever you need help I will always answer the call." We both nodded. Then she whipped the horse with one hand and it galloped away.

"Ride." I whispered as the faded into the darkness.



I looked at my bear and set in on the balcony. I couldn't keep him.

"I couldn't keep him..." I shivered in the light of the sun. It had been years, only a small few. But years. I blew on the creature and it tumbled off the railing. I think you meant for a comma herecascading down until it landed on the hard dirty ground. It fell. My tears fell. But I would not fall. So long as I could keep my secret.


Great job! :D I loved this! Keep writing! And good luck in the contest! :D
“To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world”

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”

“Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.”
  





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Wed Aug 03, 2011 11:52 pm
katngo73 says...



awesome. stunning. a true love story, i might be able to say. i love it. I love Somie and the little baby the couple had. I love everything about this story! obviously, there might be some grammar mistakes, but still, this is AMAZING!!!!!!!! I love it. absolutely love it.

GREAT JOB AND KEEP WRITING!!!!!!!!!!
Kat.
“There’s no point in being grown up if you can’t act a little childish sometimes.”-The Fourth Doctor
"Who I was, what I did, that's not who I am." - Castiel
"Friends protect you." - John Watson
  





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Thu Aug 04, 2011 3:35 pm
Sins says...



Heya! As requested, I'm here to review this for you. :)

I'm a little pressed for time, so I apologise in advance if this review is a bit messy. Once I'm done, if you have any questions or anything about what I've said, just let me know.

Okay, so I like the content of this! It's not the most original thing in the world, but I like the way you put your own twist on it. The characters you had here seemed interesting, and I especially liked that the MC's sister was a witch. The sort of world you created was fun to read about too. It definitely made me take interest in what was going on in Asher's life. When it comes to your grammar, it wasn't too bad. I've most definitely seen worse! You seem to be unsure when and how to use periods or commas, but that's something you should be able to get the hang of naturally.

The main thing that bothered me about this was that you didn't really go into immense detail, especially not at the beginning. I think the ending was good because you described Asha having her baby taken from her, how she couldn't even name him e.t.c. I liked the amount of detail you had there. It was just that in other parts of the story, things seemed a little vague and sudden.

Take Asher and Somie's relationship, for example. It was like one second, he was a stable boy, and the next, they were lovers and he was a knight. I know you said it happened quickly, but wow, I doubt it happened quite that quickly. I'm not sure if there's a tight word limit to this contest, and if there is, this may be hard to do, but I'd like to have at least one scene where you show us Asher and Somie bonding as such. Instead of going from one scene where he's a stable boy, then in the next, have him confess to her that he loves, do it with more subtlety. Instead of going straight to the love scene, show us a scene where the two of them are bonding and beginning to like each other more and more. In the end, it just makes the whole thing more believable.

I'd like more detail in general really. For example, the kingdom she's a part of. And her sister! Definitely her sister. I'm guessing she's not supposed to be a witch, right? What drove her to become one? Ha she always wanted to be one? I got the impression that witches were seen as bad things by reading this, but the sister seemed relatively nice... unless she had some hidden intentions, I suppose. Details like that all seem a bit vague to me at the moment. I guess I just want to you to put in as much detail as possible, so that everyone can understand what's going on a bit easier. I don't want too much detail of course, but a little more wouldn't go a miss.

The other critique I have is about how I was feeling at the end of this. Overall, I rather liked this piece, but the problem is that I was left with quite a few questions. A lot of this was because of what I mentioned about the vagueness above, I think, so if you fix that, you'll probably fix this issue too. Take the very last scene, for example, where years have passed and Asher drops her teddy. What's happened in-between that gap of a few years? I don't want a deep description or anything, but for example, what happened to Somie? Is she still with him at that point? Are they married? Is he dead even? Leaving your readers with questions at the end of a piece is good, I think, but you've got to be careful not to leave them with too many unanswered questions.

Negatives aside, I thought this was interesting, and I really like the concept of the whole thing. With some tweaking, I think it could be really great. Good luck in the contest! :D

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





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Thu Oct 27, 2011 6:40 pm
missbookworm says...



I loved this!! So so much! Definitely my favorite story that I've read on here! There were only a few small mistake grammar and spelling wise but other than that this was great! It would have been great if you had added a little bit more imagery and some details about the location, events, etc... (I read in another comment that you were trying not to say too much about the character because you find it hard to relate to them if they're too developed. I agree with that completely! It would have just been nice to have a teensy bit more information about their looks without fully developing them.) Again, this is a great story and my favorite so far! Kudos to you! Happy Writing!
Jess
  








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