Young Writers Society

That was my goal, thanks.

Death of an Angel

The title is perhaps the most important part of a story this short. It provides a premise, and by the end it should tie back in. It's a chance to establish the theme before we begin, a chance to cheat, to go outside of the 150 word limit to amplify the work. You can by now probably see where I am heading with this? Apart from being rather cliché, your title doesn't really add any substance to your piece. It isn't subtle, it's a shame really.

They stood before her grave, weeping.

This is fine as far as first lines go. It is a little direct for my taste, but you set the scene instantly and ask questions. This first line instantly nullifies the effect of the title, because it is as though you have said the same thing twice, almost. Because both tell us a female has died. Simple.

The child of a millennium, the golden girl, never thought to die, lay in the ground.

This confuses me a little bit. I think you have sacrificed concision for excessive explanation. For example, 'The child of the milennium' and 'the golden girl' are basically saying the same thing. Same goes with 'die'/'lay in the ground.'

sorrow-stained rocks

I quite like this line. Here might be the only time you are truly concise, clever about word use. In three words you convey a lot of story, a lot of the image. Where as through out the rest of the piece you use your words abundantly. Throwing in silly add ons and excessive description. I would love to have seen the entire piece written like the line above.

like a hollow promise of eternal love.

This is a fantastic line. But with short stories get used to using metaphors over similes. Take away the 'like' and this line is powerful, and very suggestive.

Her empty breath filled my lungs as her ghastly hands peeled my heart.

Rather floral prose for a short story. Don't get me wrong it is lovely and all, but it hardly serves a purpose when you have so few words.

We cannot move on, however, if the dead refuse to depart...

*bangs forehead on desk* I'm sitting here, baited by your character and narrative. Waiting for the denouement, the grand finale, the end all. Waiting to have my breath shoved from my chest and my eyes stung with tears. Then, you foreshadow a zombie subplot(?) and it's not subtle. I mean, you could have said 'but she is gone, for now...' But seriously this hurts the piece so much. Part of me thinks you wrote this wonderful story, got to the end and realised your prompt was 'death, or life after death' and thought "Well that life after death thing sounds cool, I might change!" It doesn't work. It may sound harsh, but it doesn't. With short stories you only have time to play upon one idea. The appeal is this single theme you drive home. They can be touching, they can be offensive, they can ask questions. They can't however end contrived. They can end open or tightly closed. But not like this I'm afraid. It's a shame.

Other than that well done. The writing itself is lovely, Good luck.