Young Writers Society

Trisael crouched atop a tall building in the business district. Her long black hair was done in a ponytail. She was tall and thin, with long skinny limbs. Her expression was solemn, unchanging as she stared through binoculars down at the Creature who was sitting dejectedly on the sidewalk.

This Creature needed help, but Trisael knew it wasn’t his time to receive it. He wasn’t about to do anything drastic, not yet.

After taking one last look at him, Trisael went over to the alley side of the roof. She climbed onto the edge, then jumped off.

The air rushed past her, like the arms of a mother unable to catch a falling infant. She plummeted alongside the raindrops—only she didn’t splatter when she hit the dirty pavement. Instead, her long legs absorbed the shock from the impact. Her knees bent upwards and she landed with two fingers on the ground.

She looked up at the roof from which she jumped, with a mastered expression of disinterest that comes only from dealing with the dregs of society for so long. As she walked out of the alley, she didn’t look back at the man who still sat across the street, but continued walking forward with her badge prominently displayed on her chest.

When people saw the brightly colored badge, they gave her a wide berth. Though she looked harmless at five feet tall, her long limbs and skinny torso made her seem more conspicuous. She smirked as mothers pulled their curious children along.
She was headed for the Forest, the western neighborhood of Manhattan. Most Creatures who were trying to make an honest living resided there, along with a few of the bohemians who believed they were equals.

Trisael didn’t have much to say about the hipsters. As far as she was concerned, they were just trying to act rebellious in a world that doesn’t give a shit what they do. All they did was smoke pot and talk nonsense. To some extent, Trisael believed, they were worse than Creatures.

She arrived at her apartment, soaking wet. The crowd of humans on the sidewalk thinned out here. The only beings who dared to walk the streets here were inconspicuous Creatures and a few humans taking shortcuts. Some humans who walked the streets here were those who knew that the neighborhood was just as benign as the others.

Finally, Trisael reached her apartment building. Though run-down, it was better than some of the slums that the Creatures had created in some cities. She’d once overheard that Detroit was nearly overrun by Forest-like slums.

As she took out a key, the door swung open, and a very large man nearly knocked Trisael to the ground. He was almost two feet taller than her, and built like a wrestler. His blue eyes gave him a kind of innocence, though. Unfortunately, nobody except for Trisael and a few others ever got close enough to him to see them.

She looked almost straight up at his towering figure and said, “Hey Lsowr. I need your help later.”

“What do I have to do now?” he said exasperatedly, letting the big metal door slam behind him.

“You know I can’t tell you that.”

“Tris,” he said. “I’m all for this philanthropic business, but you’ve been helping more and more of these people. I know you can’t control how often your ‘Creature-in-trouble’ visions come to you, but Tris, you’ve got to draw the line somewhere. Isn’t this the third one this week?”

“This one’s important.”

“What do you mean?”

Trisael wiped rainwater off her face with her sleeve. “I don’t know.”

Lsowr let out a sigh and began walking. “I’ll think about it.”

Trisael went after him. “Please, I’m going to need your help.”

“My help with what exactly?”

“My visions aren’t that specific, but it could get dangerous.”

He stopped and rounded on her. “What are we dealing with? And don’t give me that, ‘my visions aren’t specific’ bullshit.”

Trisael looked him in the eye. “There might be…vampires involved.”

Lsowr’s eyes widened. “Oh, hell no. I don’t mess with vampires, they don’t mess with me. You’re on your own.”

“Jesus Lsowr,” said Trisael. “You’re a fucking werewolf. You’re at least ten times as powerful as them. What are they going to do to you?”

“Do you know what a vampire bite could do to me? It’s bad enough that you’ve taken one in. Leave me out of it,” he said, and began walking again.

Trisael watched him walk a few paces away, and then called, “You promised my brother!”

Lsowr winced and stopped. He simply couldn’t argue with that. He was a man of his word, even if he was a Creature of the Night.

“I’ll meet you at the apartment at ten tonight,” he said, reluctance clear in his voice.

Trisael smiled triumphantly. “See you then.”

Very interesting! I'd like to start out that even though you're going with the popular "vampire and werewolf" theme, you've put an intriguing spin on it with the whole Creatures of the Night concept, which is still unclear as of yet in this story. Mysterious. : )

I'll start out with saying you have a skill for writing dialogue. The way Trisael and Lsowr conversed with each other was very natural, and I could see the conversation actually happening out loud. It was realistic, smooth, and not over dramatic. I applaud you!

However, there were some things in the intro that were quite confusing as a reader who does not know the story like the author does, and isn't picturing the action like you are when writing it. I'll explain.

This Creature needed help, but Trisael knew it wasn’t his time to receive it. He wasn’t about to do anything drastic, not yet.

When I first read these two sentences, I questioned whether it was Trisael who was doing something drastic, and then I got confused because in the next paragraph we learn Trisael is a girl. I questioned whether you made a typo or something. I also think it would sound more dramatic and exciting if you made 'not yet' a separate sentence. The shortness is like a foreshadowing technique.

After taking one last look at him, Trisael went over to the alley side of the roof. She climbed onto the edge, then jumped off.

The air rushed past her, like the arms of a mother unable to catch a falling infant. She plummeted alongside the raindrops—only she didn’t splatter when she hit the dirty pavement. Instead, her long legs absorbed the shock from the impact. Her knees bent upwards and she landed with two fingers on the ground.

You could make these two paragraphs one. However, I really enjoyed the simile you used for her jumping off the building. That put some great imagery into my head.

As she walked out of the alley, she didn’t look back at the man who still sat across the street, but continued walking forward with her badge prominently displayed on her chest.

This confused me because before you were referring to the Creature as "Creature", and now all of a sudden I think you're referring to it as "the man". For someone who does not understand the whole Creature concept yet, you should clarify that the Creatures are actually men, and not some kind of beast or monster.

Now that I have those confusions sorted out, I'd like to say that I really related to Trisael. She seems really straight to the point and kind of bad ass, which is awesome, but she's got this mysterious and emotional past that was referenced when she said "You promised my brother!" or something of that sort. I'm really intrigued. And the ending is at the perfect place, as well.

Definitely keep writing, I'd love to read and review more! PM me when you add to this, if you'd like. : )

-girlwithquestions

To explain, this was taken from a story of mine that is ongoing. There are elements to the whole Creature aspect that aren't explained here. This is the only part I thought worth posting but had reservations about because of the whole "werewolves and vampires" thing. I figure it's been a little exhausted. Thanks for the comments!

Well hello there!

You're story is as wonderful as it gets. The plot is the perfect type; the one which leaves the reader wanting to have more. There is one thing in your story which I frown upon. The idea of werewolves and vampires is boringly old. I believe if a person has the ability to come up with names as original as yours, she has the ability to make up a whole new fantasy generation. Writing a fantasy story is immensely difficult, I know, but maybe go the extra mile and give us something new, I know you can do it.
Now let me move on to the linguistic part. The language you used is very strong, and your sentences are powerfully constructed. I am a fan of words that are not commonly used, and it seems as if you are one too. I will point out to you a few mistakes which I found now:

Her knees bent upwards and she landed with two fingers on the ground.

Fine, I get the idea you are trying to get across, but you cannot bend knees upwards. Try using something like her bent knees caressing her panting chest. I know that this maybe out of line, changing your words, but its advice that you can throw away without a second thought.

She looked up at the roof from which she had jumped

The use of the past perfect here is vital. Moreover, it tends to give the sentence a stronger structure, more integrity.

You have great abilities, continue writing. You will be very successful indeed.

Hi I'm Shadow,

I have to agree with the other reviewers, you have taken an old tired cliched storyline of vampires and werewolves and made it new and fresh!

I felt like your descriptions in the beginning got a little wordy at times, try to find a single strong work that evokes your exact meaning, instead of three words that sort-of capture what you want.

I found this very interesting (and I don't even like werewolves and vampires!) and I want to read more of this work.
The setting of a seemingly post apocalyptic urban jungle, sounds very intriguing to say the least. Your character interactions are very natural, and not forced in any way.

Good job!

~Shadow.

I like the concept of your story. I especially like your main charecter who reminds me so much of the main charecter in Undrworld (as well as the begining scene). But I do have some things I would like to point out. The begining of the story goes by to quickly. You leave the reader hanging, wondering who this girl is and why she is sitting atop a building? Also, more description would be nice. I didn't even know that it was raining until you said 'she flew past the raindrops...' and even then it took me a moment. Just slow down and tell us more about the world around her, as well as going into more depth on the character herself. At the moment she seems very flat and bland. And finally, at the beggining you describe your charecter as tall, then call her small, only 5 ft.

Hope this helps, It was a great peice!