Young Writers Society

It was nice to owe loyalty to no one. Spark woke to the sun slanting down onto his red-furred flank. He stretched, reveling in this most precious of gifts.

I’ve been lucky. It’s a wonder that bog never claimed me. Which reminded him- he’d been too tired last night to groom the worst of the mud off. He looked quite a sight- the russet and gold stripes of his fur splotched with green and brown.

Cleaning up took the best part of an hour. Now it was near noon- Spark’s stomach rumbled. This end of the Deepwood there might be mice and rabbits.

An Aiger, more so than most cats, relied on meat to keep him going. Even a belly full of minerals was no substitute. He drew the forest scents into his mouth and nostrils, and blinked. There was another tomcat somewhere in this area.

Paw by careful paw, he crept through the leaf litter. The strong scent of mouse led him towards a small up thrust of rock. He also scented the stranger again. Now go carefully. I’m not sure he wants to be interrupted in his own hunt. It was a mere dozen body-lengths to the outcrop now.

Spark froze as a new scent ghosted past his nose. It was the smell of fire.

A squeaking, terrified mouse ran past him. He turned in pursuit, and the fire-smell intensified. No small campfire this- forget the mouse!

I liked this story; not really any point to it, but short and fun to read.

I think that you should indicate earlier that Spark is an Aiger, because, until it said that later on, I assumed he was a dog.

Apart from that, it was lovely. Nice imagery, nice scene. Nicely written, also.

Keep it up

Overall, fun, and very enjoyable. There are a couple things, though.


For one thing--- In the third sentence, I suggest you add a comma after 'this'.

For another thing. You have a couple points where you suddenly switch from the limited third person to the first person point-of-view. I'm guessing that you intend the first-person segments to be the thoughts of Spark. If that IS the case, then you need to italicize, put in single-quotation-marks, or something, just to indicate to the reader that we're reading thought, not the progression of the actual story.

Maybe you want it the way you have it, but all the times I've heard it before, the phrase reads "the BETTER part of the hour", not the best part.

Also. . .

This end of the Deepwood might have mice

works better, I think.

Finally, in the closing sentence, it seems that you cut off. I think what you were going for is

No small campfire this time

.

All in all, this was a delightful little read, and was very fun and enjoyable.

Keep up the good work!

Wonderfully constructed and very original, for me at least.
Reading it at first I assumed what everyone would; its a person. I then realized that you were actually describing an animal. That was the best part for me, the transition in my mind between the human and animal state. You're story is totally pointless, neither moral nor personal relief is offered by it. Nevertheless, I found it enjoyable, much enjoyable indeed.
I have a pointer on your use of the dash - You used it instead of the semi-colon.

Which reminded him- he’d been too tired

I don't think it is possible to be used there. Another place, here I'm sure its a coma.

Now it was near noon- Spark’s stomach rumbled

I'm not a big fan on dashes you see, I find they are useless apart from when you run out of page space.

I think you will be happy to know, that your story inspired me. Thanks to you, I now have the idea for my next novel.

All the best

Hello Stori,

So far, I'm intrigued by the character. I want to know if he's actually a human or--if it's the case that he is just an intelligent species of cat--what's he been doing with his life. For instance, the first line intrigued me because it hinted at his past--someone he owed loyalty to--but you never return to that point (perhaps because you haven't written it yet or just didn't include it here). Also, I would like to see him, so I can better come to terms with the fact that he is not (at least in form) a human protagonist. Because he's not human, it's more of a challenge to get to know him because I can't relate to him on a physical level. I don't know what it's like to be an Aiger. But maybe I could begin to imagine it if you gave me something to work with.

Other than that, it's difficult to talk generally, so what follows is a paragraph-by-paragraph commentary (skipping the first line), which talks more about writing than story:

Spark woke to the sun slanting down onto his red-furred flank. He stretched, reveling in this most precious of gifts.

The last part doesn't work for me because of how vague it is. Perhaps show his appreciation for the sun in a more detailed and descriptive way?

I’ve been lucky. It’s a wonder that bog never claimed me. Which reminded him- he’d been too tired last night to groom the worst of the mud off. He lookedquite a sight- the russet and gold stripes of his fur splotched with green and brown.

Italics are the customary way to signal present-tense thoughts. Otherwise, it's disconcerting to the reader and looks like a mistake. Also be careful with how you use verbs. I know what grooming is, but I'm not 100% clear on how to groom something off. Does that mean he licks it off? Rubs it off?

Cleaning up took the best better part of an hour. Now it was near noon- Spark’s stomach rumbled. This end of the Deepwood there might be mice and rabbits.

I liked your use of the dash in the previous paragraph, but I'm not sure that it works as well in this one. The last sentence also reads awkwardly, perhaps because it begins with "This." Since "this" can be used in different ways, the reader isn't immediately certain which way you're using it. The use of "there" might also contribute to the awkwardness for the same reason, as well as the uncertainty in the narrator's voice. (If he hunts there regularly, wouldn't he know what sort of prey are around? And if he hasn't been hunting there regularly, that might be an interesting tidbit to tell the reader.)

An Aiger, more so than most cats, relied on meat to keep him going. Even a belly full of minerals was no substitute. He drew the forest scents into his mouth and nostrils, and blinked. There was another tomcat somewhere in this area.

The line "belly full of minerals" makes it sound like he eats dirt or something. (Reading it, I imagined him scooping up a big bite of mud and swallowing.) Also, since I asked for a description of him earlier, giving the term "Aiger" earlier might also help.

Paw by careful paw, he crept through the leaf litter. The strong scent of mouse led him towards a small up thrust of rock. He also scented the stranger again. Now go carefully. I’m not sure he wants to be interrupted in his own hunt. It was a mere dozen body-lengths to the outcrop now.

I know what you mean by "Paw by careful paw," but I don't think the description works for me. Maybe if you said "One step at a time," or "One paw after the other(s?)" (maybe not that one--but something like that). I do like that he uses body-lengths to measure--that makes sense. I like the word "outcrop," but I'm uncertain about "up thrust."

Spark froze as a new scent ghosted past his nose. It was the smell of fire.

Try to make this have even more impact, perhaps by combining the two sentences or making the sentences--particularly the latter--stronger. ("Was" is a weak verb and often results in passive voice.)

A squeaking, terrified mouse ran past him. He turned in pursuit, and the fire-smell intensified. No small campfire this- forget the mouse!

It might be more effective if he smelled the mouse's fear, rather than saying the mouse was "squeaking" and "terrified." I like the ending, which throws in a bit of humor as well as having an impact, drawing us into the moment.

The only other thing I might mention is the fact that he makes a bunch of allusions to things that happened before (owing loyalty to someone, being in a bog, coming back exhausted and mud-spattered), but none of it is explained here. Not telling the reader things is tricky; it keeps the reader's attention, but if you do it too much or without care, the reader becomes frustrated and a bit distrustful of the narrator. So maybe if you could either explain those things--you probably wouldn't even have to say much, and they don't seem like major plot points anyway--or leave them out, I think it would make the piece more satisfying to read.

But again, I like the character concept and I feel like the story has lots of potential. Good luck with revisions!